Advice needed please - child arrangement order

[Standinguptononsense]

Not really an Aibu as such but posted for traffic.

My ex husband and I have been separated for over 3 years. We have a court order in place for the children as of Oct 2016.

He is not taking me back to court because I won't agree to a spreadsheet dictating when each of us takes the children to the dentist, Dr's, hairdressers, get there feet measured and when they speak to the other parent when they are not with them! Despite me saying we can have a conversation about it, because I won't go to mediation (because a, there's no point and b I can't afford it). I've very recently remarried so I. Wonder if this has sparked his narcissist traits off again and he's trying to control every last thing.

Does anyone have an experience of this?

Thanks in advance

Xxx

Thank you speak direct to family court? That's a good plan. Thank you xx

Sorry no, I meant ring mediator. Ringing court will only get you through to an usher. They don't pass on info or anything.

Bear in mind though I am just going on my own experience. It's not gospel and I'm not a legal professional. X

That's OK. I did say to the lady on email. I wasn't prepared to sit in a room with my abuser. But she never really said anything.

On your court response form when you get it you can ask for separate waiting areas if you are very worried.

Also if he has representation and you don't chances are you will sit looking at his solicitor and not him. I didn't even look at my ex when I self repped.

Ok. I. Suspect he'll turn up with a barrister....

Has he made the application to court without a solicitor? I'd be surprised if he gets a barrister to take the case if its so stupid as you described!

His statement suggests his written it himself.... 😂😂

Hi op. I'm desperate to know the basis if his argument! Hope iou are ok x

I'm amazed that a judge has given him the time of day. At best all they can really order is that one of you agrees to get their haircut before the start of each new term or half term and that it should be whichever parent has them the week before or similar. Regular dental appointments twice a year when due and whichever parent has them on the appointment day takes them. Same for opticians. They can't order regarding doctors appointments as unless they need annual reviews for diabetes, asthma or other chronic disease then appointments are on an as needed basis and can't be timetabled. Judges don't like to micromanage and will most likely tell you to sort it out yourselves. Has he thrown in anything with more weight to make his argument look more plausible? Does he claim you're not taking them to routine appointments or letting their hair become split and untidy or something similar?
Say they agree to his batshit suggestions and order that you must take them to the dentist on such a date, what happens if they are ill or you are stuck at work or they can't make it for whatever reason? You'd then be breaching the order and he could apply to enforce it which is crazy. No judge is going to order you to make appointments for set dates because for a start there might not be any available appointments. It's ridiculous and impossible to enforce.

Perverse. That's exactly my thoughts. I take them regularly to dentist, haircuts etc. They are well looked after etc. Hes said no concerns etc on the forms too. I have asked him what are his concerns with the current arrangements and he won't reply. I have agree with his points and said he can attend the next appointment. I then got his emails and him threatening court because I wasn't agreeing with him...

Queens I'd love to know as well.

My eldest came out with wouldn't it be nice if daddy took us to the dentist.....

.... Be nice if he attended a sports day or a school appointment really....

I feel for you, OP. I have a similar ex going through family court.

I assume that you have shared care - 50/50 time, and that from your posts you are doing all the appointments. Would you be prepared to "let go" of one of the appointments, and would that appease him? So, for example, say "you co-ordinate the dentist and I'll do the shoes - or whatever. I can't imagine any other genuine motivation for pushing this forward than wanting greater involvement.

I CAN see the potentially real motivation of control. All I could suggest is respond less and give less credibility to his "suggestions" - I am sure that part of the positive for him is how much you are trying to accommodate him.

I really hope that the judge gives this no real credibility. Family Court is ... odd, isn't it?

Just read the thread. Nothing constructive to add apart from my sympathies, DD's father was a total knob jockey who never even had her overnight but also randomly demanded bizarre schedules etc seemingly on a whim.

I know it's probably a while away for you but my DD is 18 now and went nc with him 2 years ago.

He has them 6/14. He's just odd. I've done all appointments since they were born. Including the few emergency ones. Hes never been to a sports day, few plays. I've messaged him regarding Saturday football and he hasn't responded even though he knows the boys would love it. Yet submits a court application over the dentist.... Interesting this only arose after the cms failed to give him primary care status of our eldest.....

Oh and now I've had an email telling me he's booked next year's holiday when we haven't yet sorted out dates between us etc.

6/14 puts you in a stronger position, and yes, he is probably responding to not getting his way, but you are still the primary care giver.

My ex sounds very like yours.He has never had any part of his child's upbringing, but now is claiming he has. He won't support her activities on "his" time, but turns up to ones on "mine", (and refuses to pay anything to support them).

If this is going to court anyway, could you use it to firm up the already existing CAO? I don't have one yet, but my solicitor said he is going to produce a timetable for the next 5 years (I think he said 5) with the exact days of contact, so that my manipulative ex can't do as yours is doing and just book whatever whenever. Just a thought.

If it was me, I would either not respond to the holiday email or say you will address it in court.

Could you afford a solicitor? It might be worth it just to tie up any loose ends here.

Apply for Legal Aid on account of the abuse. I've got legal aid for the same reasons.

@PerverseConverse I was thinking that, too, but you need to be on a low income too.

I had legal. Aid before for that reason, I was also on income support. My house earning woukd push it over now though.

I will use it an evidence of his nonsense.

I should add we have a court order detailing the school holidays. He's just chosen to ignore it.

Oh dear, OP! If he has chosen to ignore the court order, you are within your rights to tell him it isn't going to happen!

I imagine you are going to need to pick your battles. Ina way, it is good that he has done this (holiday) now as you can bring it to the judge as evidence of his not following the court order. You could tell him that you can accommodate the breach of order (if you can and are prepared to) but that you cannot guarantee this in future and strongly advise him to ask BEFORE booking. Or, you can tell him that he needs to re-book in the time that the order states.

With my ex, I find a factual, polite response once and then ignoring all other messages has some efficacy. But watch this space - you are much further down the line than me!

Definitely bring up that he's ignored the current order as that will go against him.

I know right. So he wants a schedule for appointments but won't stick to the order on holidays....to be honest if he was reasonable about everything else the holidays wouldn't bother me. But when I ask for an hour extra on mother's day and he says no.....

Beginning to wonder if my STBXH is a bigamist!!

That made me laugh 😂

So yesterday ex husband had to collect a few bits from here after school pick up (I had offered to drop off the night before but he refused). He sent the boys to the door and my youngest is in tears he doesn't want to leave me. So I give him cuddles, tell him he'll have lots of fun with daddy etc and I'll speak to him over the weekend. He did go but was still very much upset when he went. I messaged ex just to let me know how he was and.... Nothing. No reply at all to let me know our son was OK.

Yet hes going to court over appointments because he wants more involvement in taking the boys to the dentist.....

I dispair.