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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I made a big mistake?

175 replies

JillianHoltzmann · 13/08/2018 01:48

I'm due to have a baby on September 14th.

Before getting pregnant I applied for an Access to HE:Science course. This is the last year I am entitled to free education and I want to be able to provide a better life for my DD.
I accepted their offer after going to see the place, the lab is amazing and the course is ideal. The course is two days a week, and starts September 3rd.

During my interview I mentioned the pregnancy, the interviewer said that I I'd be able to take time off to have the baby and would be able to call and not come in if I even had a bad nights sleep.

I wasn't originally going to the interview, but my Mum said that I woulda be wasting an amazing opportunity and that even though the course (and subsequent uni course) would be difficult, it would be nothing compared to raising a child in poverty. I was raised by a single mother in extreme poverty (minimum wage and 3 siblings) and I remember how hard She worked to make our lives bearable, but she's never quite forgiven herself for the lives we had.

She offered childcare, and when I found out the course was only 2 days a week I jumped at the chance to go. It would mean that in 5 years i could be a fully qualified Biology teacher, and provide a better life for my daughter.
Have I done the right thing in accepting the course? Or AIBU to think I could raise a baby and simultaneously take on education? What would you do?

OP posts:
Socksey · 13/08/2018 06:13

Go for it.... you will be setting yourself up for life....
It's wonderful you have such a supportive mother.... her boyfriend is an arse.... this is the best thing you could do to focus on being a mother..... not staying at home in poverty but providing for you and baby's future....
Good luck and enjoy the course
This is how to be a mother 👍

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/08/2018 06:16

bezm the college doesn't have a nursery, I don't think my mum is likely to have much of a problem with him since he usuallly lives in Scotland and just comes down to see her and his grandkids. He doesn't think I'm capable of looking after a child; frequently describes me as lazy, and other insults. Quite frankly I think he just dislikes me- he likes my younger sister though and makes it quite clear that he sees her as the best of a bad lot. She's also pregnant so I'm not sure why he thinks it's okay to make snap judgements about me and not her! We think He compares us to his kids mentally and thinks we're not "as good" as them because they're from a nice middle class family and we're working class!

Honestly I'm over his stupid opinions. Usually I pay them no mind- this is a man who believes that intercontinental travel is terrible, aeroplanes are the sole cause of greenhouse gases and cultural mixing is the root of all our societal problems. I was only concerned because the way he was saying it suggested that I would be almost abusing my child by leaving her two days a week, and I could never live with myself if that was even a faint possibility!

OP posts:
Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/08/2018 06:17

loveisland Not quite by 25, 28 though! I'm 23 now.

OP posts:
AlexandraLeaving · 13/08/2018 06:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkFluffyFairy · 13/08/2018 06:21

Do the course. Your mum is right. X

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/08/2018 06:26

alexandraleaving Thanks for the advice! It's really good advice, and actually something the interviewer mentioned, so mum and I have discussed this and come up with a sort of "plan A". Basically I would do the course on the Tuesday and Wednesday at college, and on Monday day-night I would stay over at hers. She'd watch the baby while I worked on college work, allowing me to be there to bf the baby and making it so that I don't have to be away from the baby for another day. We can see that this plan might be flawed though, probably have to rethink it after a few weeks!

OP posts:
loveisland · 13/08/2018 06:26

@JillianHoltzmann I'm 27 that's classed as having it altogether by 28! Having a baby doesn't make you, having a life to raise your baby in is what makes a person Thanks good luck

Original poster
JillianHoltzmann · 13/08/2018 06:31

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. You're all lovely people Star

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 13/08/2018 06:35

You have absolutely done the right thing.
Your 2 week old DC won’t even notice you are not there 2 days a week.

Fadingmemory · 13/08/2018 06:36

Good for you OP, also for your mother for being so supportive. Her BF is probably thinking of himself ie that she won’t have so much time for him. He needs to grow up! Abandonment - what utter tosh. Good luck and congratulations re the course and of course the baby!

Weepingwillows12 · 13/08/2018 06:45

I think you are doing exactly the right thing for your baby and you but I do think it will be very hard. If the baby was only a few months older then it would be much easier but two weeks is very young. You will be still be physically recovering, your hormones may be a mess, just figuring out feeding, no sleep etc. If you have a c section you may not be able to move about easily. I would prepare yourself that the first few months may be really hard but that in the long run this will be totally worth it. Maybe have some plans in place for if you have a c section or baby is late etc. Good luck to you.

Dickybow321 · 13/08/2018 06:55

My head says good plan but my heart says this will be incredibly difficult.

HelpmeobiMN · 13/08/2018 06:56

Its absolutely doable and the payoff in the long term will be huge - you’re definitely doing the right thing!

Tralala33 · 13/08/2018 07:34

Definietly go for it. Access courses are very demanding, but go by so quickly.
However, if you do find that you really struggle and want to defer the course for a year, don't be to hard on yourself. Also don't worry about funding. You can get an Advanced Learner Loan to cover the cost of an Access course. An once you conplete your degree the Access cour loan will get written off. So you can still get the course for free, as long as you do a degree after.

Regardless, good luck. I taught on Access courses and greatly admired some of my students who could juggle so many responsibilities.

AppleKatie · 13/08/2018 07:45

I have a friend who did similar to you OP. She’s now a head of science at a very prestigious school and has a lovely life a million miles from the grotty flat she lived in with her first born. Education is always the answer although this will be extremely difficult in the early months for you, so be prepared for that!

AlexandraLeaving · 13/08/2018 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 13/08/2018 07:53

My eldest is now 20, back in the day I only got maternity leave until she was 6 weeks old then I had to be actively seeking work so I worked from her being 9 weeks old. It was just the norm then that ML was short.

It's your mum looking after your DD, it will be worth it. Go girl!

Redact · 13/08/2018 07:54

Absolutely do it! You are putting your baby first in doing this in so many ways but ultimately by enabling yourself to provide a better future for your DC. I had a similar, but not the same experience, and it is tough but oh so worth it.

3awesomestars · 13/08/2018 08:01

Absolutely go for it! I have just finished a degree after an access course, I was on the access with a girl who had a 3 year old and a new baby, we went on to do the same degree and she had another baby whilst doing this, her family did not support what she was doing but she worked really hard and has just graduated with first class honours and is going to teach. Once you are at uni you will get maintenance loans and help with childcare costs.
Prior to this she was earning minimum wage and her partner was always in between jobs. She was an inspiration.
Go for it OP, it won’t be easy but anything worthwhile never is, by the time your baby is starting school you could be a teacher with all the holidays off whilst earning a decent salary - how amazing would that be!

(And ignore the abandonment rubbish I’d baby is safe with your mum all is fine. That is just emotional abuse)

3awesomestars · 13/08/2018 08:03

Also, take into account the academic year is really only 8.5 months you will start in September and be finished by end of May ish. So will be full time with baby through the Summer.

Chewbecca · 13/08/2018 08:04

2 days a week studying and 5 days with baby is a great balance in my opinion.

eggncress · 13/08/2018 08:05

Not much to add other than say well done and that you’ve absolutely made the right decision even though it may seem daunting.
It’s great your mum is so supportive too and offering childcare which will make a big difference.
Yes it will be hard but so so worth it !

Your mums boyfriend sounds like a jealous areshole. He doesn’t want your mum focussing on anyone but him.
He shouldn’t be shouting at her either. Abandonment ?Hmm

Isleepinahedgefund · 13/08/2018 08:06

Do it, and be proud of yourself for not only wanting to better your lives but actually going out and doing it. I think it’s awesome. Ignore the nay sayers.

LaContessaDiPlump · 13/08/2018 08:09

You're absolutely doing the right thing op! I'm sure it goes without saying, but I'm sure anyone on here with biology/chemistry experience would be happy to help with difficult theory points if needed (me included).

As an aside, your mum's boyfriend sounds like a right twat. What's his job? I'd love to believe that he feels threatened by you, a mere woman, moving into the sciences Grin

LuluBellaBlue · 13/08/2018 08:12

If it’s any help, I found myself pregnant with no career prospects and ended up setting up a business when my little one was just a few months old.
It meant a lot of time apart - it was hard, and unfortunately I didn’t handle it well. But he’s now 14 and we are super close and because of what I did have a nice life style.
I’d say go for it!

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