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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

471 replies

staraw · 12/08/2018 21:36

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 12/08/2018 23:24

I'm the first to admit that when all of mine starting driving, I did get a bit worried unil they'd got home or they text to say they'd arrived where they were going. And they were amazing at letting me know they were OK. Once they'd been driving a few months, that went and I was confident that they'd be OK.

I think it's a massive invasion of your DDs privacy, and has to stop.

Freshfeelings · 12/08/2018 23:28

Sounds like anxiety to me. But I'd like to hear how he justifies it?

Parker231 · 12/08/2018 23:30

Why are you and your DD allowing him to track you? Turn it off on your phone. It’s a huge invasion of your privacy and controlling.

Ventiamore · 12/08/2018 23:31

Did all you ppl frothing at the 'abuse' miss the part about the whole family having it? So OP is equally as able to find dh and daughter, as is DD to find dh and OP. Anyone accusing OP of being abusive? She hasn't said he made a massive habit of stalking both of them, and the frequency increased after DD started driving. No other controlling or abusive behaviour mentioned. Unless the obligatory drip feed follows which throws a different light on things.
Yes, if he's checking that often, he has a problem which he needs to address. Accusing him of being abusive etc is not going to help anyone. The family obviously never had a problem with the app before, so for DD to suddenly turn it off, of course he's going to think it's to avoid him seeing where she is. For whatever reason (to him, hiding her location).

Guienne · 12/08/2018 23:34

Is the car in your daughter's name? If so, your husband can't take it back - it would be theft.

mumprincess12 · 12/08/2018 23:34

I'm staggered by these responses and I imagine many other people are too! He's a concerned father not a weirdo. He's going ott but I bet many people recognise themselves in this behaviour but now just don't want to admit it???

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2018 23:35

But Vent, this is forced upon.

Dd, when she turned it off, he went mad. This is unacceptable, and an invasion of privacy, she is 18. I wonder if he makes op as well. It is one thing to all be tracked, but have the right to turn it off, and another, forced, to, which seems like in

YaLoVeras · 12/08/2018 23:36

It's sending a terribly destructive message to her, that he can 'buy' (with a car) the right to erode her boundary.

My mother did this to me. She does not understand that I can have a boundary and if I try to enforce the boundary I"m instantly labelled ungrateful (because parents have been v generous)

Thesearepearls · 12/08/2018 23:37

I didn't miss that part

It just meant for me that he was controlling everyone

FWIW I do have that app myself and I think I could track both DCs for safety if required. I have never used it. I don't want to track their every movement - I just want to be able to find them if they are in danger. That's the more usual use of the app.

TornFromTheInside · 12/08/2018 23:38

Did all you ppl frothing at the 'abuse' miss the part about the whole family having it? So OP is equally as able to find dh and daughter, as is DD to find dh and OP. Anyone accusing OP of being abusive? She hasn't said he made a massive habit of stalking both of them, and the frequency increased after DD started driving. No other controlling or abusive behaviour mentioned. Unless the obligatory drip feed follows which throws a different light on things.
Yes, if he's checking that often, he has a problem which he needs to address. Accusing him of being abusive etc is not going to help anyone. The family obviously never had a problem with the app before, so for DD to suddenly turn it off, of course he's going to think it's to avoid him seeing where she is. For whatever reason (to him, hiding her location).

You've missed the point by a country mile. There is nothing wrong with the family having this feature, it's a good thing when used by sensible people for sensible reasons. The rest of the family are not abusing the ability they have, but he is.

The problem isn't the feature or the other members of the family. The problem lies with one man abusing the feature. It's abusive. His intentions might not be monstrous, he may simply be paranoid, but that doesn't change the fact of what he's doing.

Guienne · 12/08/2018 23:40

He's a concerned father not a weirdo

If he's purely a concerned father, why was he still interrogating his daughter for a week about the one occasion she turned the tracker off, and accusing her of hiding something? After all, he must have known she was safe, and accusing her of hiding something has very little to do with concern about her safety.

Pringlecat · 12/08/2018 23:42

There are lots of good, valid reasons to have this app. However, checking every 15 minutes is plain creepy and it will drain the battery. If he can't use it normally, he shouldn't have access.

PolkaHots · 12/08/2018 23:44

I am imagining he is perving over tracking her sexual activity.

MaxStirn · 12/08/2018 23:44

If it was up to me these apps would be banned, they just five snoopers Carte blanche to invade the privacy of others. I can't think of one good reason to have them.

TornFromTheInside · 12/08/2018 23:46

I'm a concerned father - I worry, I like to have a clue where my adult daughter is. I don't track her. I can absolutely see how I might want to use that IF there was a serious cause for concern. But I'd also want her to know I'd checked her location - transparency.

If I wanted to be sure she was safe, I might as well keep her locked up indoors. We don't do this, because it's abuse. We don't do it because we love our kids and part of that means giving them freedom.

I doubt he's a monster, but I do think he's obsessive. He may or not have a controlling nature, it's not really possible to tell, but this monitoring is a controlling act.

TornFromTheInside · 12/08/2018 23:48

If it was up to me these apps would be banned, they just five snoopers Carte blanche to the privacy of others. I can't think of one good reason to have them.

Locating lost phones
Locating stolen phones
Locating someone who has broken down but isn't sure where they are
Monitoring the progress of a journey (with consent)

Lots of good and valid reasons. People's MISuse of them is the issue.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2018 23:48

By the sounds of it, the adult does not want to be tracked,that is her right. Her dad going ballistic and treatening to take away the car is blackmailing and abusive e.so she is in effect forced to be tracked.

MaxStirn · 12/08/2018 23:49

*@TornFromTheInside - freedom and privacy trumps all for me.

ImAIdoot · 12/08/2018 23:52

Tell him it's time to back off a bit.

It's fine to love your kids and worry about what situatiom they're in when away from you but they're not kids forever. 18 is way past high time to learn to let go!

Original poster
staraw · 12/08/2018 23:53

I am reading through the replies sorry got a bit busy.

No he isn't controlling in any other way, been married 20 years!

I gave the gift of the car as much as my husband did and sure she could give it back, she has said "I'd rather not have it if it's not actually mine" but it is hers and I gave it to her, she sure could use her savings to buy a car @Aeroflotgirl but I as her mother wanted to get that for her 18th, she shouldn't have to give it back. It's his behaviour that is unfair.

I think it is in her name I'm not sure but we are all able to drive it.

I guess the only solution is a huge argument between me and him which is a real shame.

OP posts:
mumprincess12 · 12/08/2018 23:55

Polkahots I think that's VERY weird to draw that conclusion

TornFromTheInside · 12/08/2018 23:56

freedom and privacy trumps all for me.

The two aren't mutually exclusive. Your phone is tracked from cell to cell all day and can be traced IF need be.
The technology and apps are not the problem. One idiot father is.

You said you couldn't think of one good reason for them, I gave you some good reasons. Banning such apps is silly. Putting control in the hands of those being tracked is the answer - allowing them to have the ultimate say or not.

Original poster
staraw · 13/08/2018 00:00

Yes I have tried speaking to him about it and it's often "I'm worried about what she's doing, who she's with, where she's at" and if I ever answer to that it's "she lives under my roof" stuff. Obviously when I come back with the "our roof" I get stuff brought up about how I didn't work when they were little but that's in an argument and he isn't usually like that.

Just want to help my daughter with this because I'm worried she will move away and never want to see us because of how he's being.

OP posts:
steff13 · 13/08/2018 00:03

The family obviously never had a problem with the app before, so for DD to suddenly turn it off, of course he's going to think it's to avoid him seeing where she is.

Of course she turned it off so he wouldn't know where she was. The point is, she's an adult and as such she's entitled to go places without him knowing where she is. And he's not entitled to demand to know her whereabouts at all times. The fact that he did demand, for a week, to know where she was, is controlling.

musicposy · 13/08/2018 00:04

That's appalling and needs to stop. My DD is also 18 and we would never do this. She went off to boyfriend's tonight after work - I assume she got there ok. She'll probably text tomorrow. DH came in from work and said "Where's DD?" I said "gone to boyfriend's" and he said, "when's she back?" I said, "I don't know, probably tomorrow". "oh, ok", he says. This is how it should be. Concern, love, but never control.

Your daughter is an adult. Your DH needs a swift kick to realise this.

Your DH is laying the foundations for your daughter to put up with controlling and abusive relationships in the future. I'm sorry but you need to have that huge argument.