Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

Which, before I get pounced on, wasn’t clarified in the original post. When the op said her husband checks on their daughter when she’s out, I’m guessing ‘every 15 minutes’ is more of a figure of speech, and not literally every 15 minutes.

Oh yea, but that’s 15 years away. If it’s available, which I’m guessing it will be (but a lot more advanced) I will be asking my kids if I can see that they are safe the first few times they go out. Absolutely!

Except they have legs, and a voice, and a brain to go and get help with. Just like they would have done in the 80s and 90s, before mobile phones became commonplace.

Sure if you're living in a populated area. Not so much if you're 30 miles from the next town and live in the middle of Wales, Dartmoor or the Highlands etc.

So you read:

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this

as a figure of speech?

The OP specifically said she was felt it was so frequent that she needed to address it. i.e. it was a problem.

Tbh, it seems like you're just trolling, and you've kind of jumped the shark in the last few posts. I'm out.

An 18 year old isn't a child!

Plus to be perfectly honest our role as parents is to help them develop into confident, secure, capable adults. That doesn't happen on the stroke of midnight before their 18th birthday!

You gradually over the years give them more freedom, more independence so they learn to handle it.

Even at 15/16 most have a fair amount of independence.

I genuinely think you're really going to struggle with that ansum.

Did you say yours are 4 and 7? If so they're not "infants". Are they allowed to play out front? Go places with older kids?

Yep, that’s how I read it. I can only imagine how it feels when your little girl gets dressed up and goes out at night for the first time. I very much doubt everyone is as blasé about it as they’re making out.

I have no idea what you’re on about, but bye!

Sure if you're living in a populated area. Not so much if you're 30 miles from the next town and live in the middle of Wales, Dartmoor or the Highlands etc.

Mobile signal is still pretty bad in many of those places. Not so bad on Dartmoor as it has several masts but in rural areas plenty of people don't rely on mobile phones.

The accuracy depends on if they can obtain a GPS fix - pretty accurate or just detect surrounding wifi - less accurate in most cases.
They can also work off cell towers, very low accuracy in most cases unless they are pico-cells in a densely populated area.

A mobile operator could detect the location of a phone via cell tower triangulation with fairly decent accuracy (say a radius of 400m or so) depending on the cell size, but this info isn't available without a lot of effort.

Did you say yours are 4 and 7? If so they're not "infants". Are they allowed to play out front? Go places with older kids?

No, they’re just turned 4 and 6. Infants, going into infant school. Nobody ‘plays out front’ in big cities. It’s not The Walton’s around here Do they go on play dates and to extra curricular activities? Of course! Do I know where they are at all times, unless they’re out with family? Er, yes!???

Ansumpasty, are your views coloured by your own teenage years? You say you had too much freedom, you were drinking on the streets at 14 and out till 2am with boys at 16. How strange that you are now an adult, living in a different country to your mother, yet she's checking up on you 'throughout the day', what's that about?

Are you somehow wanting your children to be kept safer than you were?

Mobile signal is still pretty bad in many of those places. Not so bad on Dartmoor as it has several masts but in rural areas plenty of people don't rely on mobile phones.

Plenty of locals.
The problems happen if a driver is driving through mid wales at night, following their satnav and having little clue of their actual whereabouts - they have an accident, and battery dies - then they're in a bit of bother and have to hope someone else drives by - not fun for a young female driver in the middle of a forest in Mid Wales!

But still - there are good reasons to be able to detect where someone is, but it needs to be consenting access to their location and used for the right reasons, not predatory or obsessive ones.

@Padley

Are you somehow wanting your children to be kept safer than you were?

Oh, absolutely! I was very lucky that something awful didn’t happen to me, the amount of crazy and unsafe situations I put myself in. I was a clever girl, but I was normal teenager and carried on just like the other girls in my school year.

I’m pretty sure my mum would have reeled me in, if she did have Find my Friend 15 years ago! You can’t really compare today to then- the technology is incomparable and it was commonplace to not know where people were.
If we have the technology now, why not use it?

I'm sorry I haven't read the thread. If he's anxious it's probably because he's concerned he will get charged with a stalking or harassment offence. How else is he controlling and abusive? Hopefully the car is in your daughter's name and she can report it to the police as theft if he tries to take it. Is he a pervert as well, because that can be the underlying motivation and was in my experience.

I can only imagine how it feels when your little girl gets dressed up and goes out at night for the first time.

My worst day was when my eldest (DS) went to senior school for the first time. He left the house at 7:45 to walk to school with a friend and I knew I wouldn't see him until 4pm at the earliest. But you just have to trust them.

I went on a parenting course once where it was said "the role of a parent is prepare your children to be independent adults". And part of that is giving them some freedom.

Most people (including children) who are sexually assaulted - the perpetrator is someone they know. So boy friends, trusted baby sitters, sports coaches etc. The best protection is not knowing where they are but being the one they tell about their worries and times they feel uncomfortable. Having a tracker can give you a false sense of security and if secret or against their will destroys that trust.

“Having a tracker can give you a false sense of security and if secret or against their will destroys that trust“

I fully agree with that; building a relationship upon a foundation of trust with your children is paramount. Any location app shouldn’t be used for spying, though- I feel it should be a consenting tool, used for the right purposes.

Erm - I've lived in London and glasgow (my home city) among other places, my dd played "out front" perfectly safely from 6 in glasgow and friends and family have young DC similar ages that play "out front" now! So no need to be so patronising!

It does seem you're applying your extreme experience to situations and people unlikely to behave the same, have the same experiences. If anything overreacting.

Yes the argument that if they're lost in a deeply rural area is daft as most of those you'd struggle to get a signal! My mum lives rurally (but hardly highlands rural) and doesn't get a mobile signal - she can't even get channel 5 without having sky!

I think you are projecting your own 'childhood' onto your children, Ansum. Where was your loving mother then? Why wasn't she following you to protect you from drinking in the streets at 14, and out with boyfriends at 16 until 2am? She tracks you now as an adult with kids? - most parents know where their children are at 14yo!

Perhaps you are naive, or live in th safest part of the UK, but rape and attacks are rife here and 18 year olds are vulnerable and immature. I live in South London. Rapes and murders and bombs have been a fact of life here for decades. - I travelled through Kings Cross the day of the fire (half hour before), I worked in the City when the IRA were bombing St Mary Ax. 2 of my dc work in London. I worry, of course I do, but I don't track them. Yesterday, I knew they would be nowhere near the HoP but I dropped a text anyway.

And yes, when my children go clubbing into the city for the first few times, I will definitely be checking up on them to see if they are safe

Let me tell you what will happen when your dd reaches 18, if you control her so much. She gets a boyfriend. BF sees that mum has a tracker on her phone, so he gets himself put on too. DD thinks this is normal - after all, mummy does it (from a place of love!) and even lovely granny does it from the other side of the world. It's normal, it's sweet. Right?
BF tracks her to work, to the supermarket, to home. The one day she goes to the pub after work. Who is she talking too? What is she drinking? Ho much is she drinking?
Next thing, BF doesn't want her going to the pub after work - it's dangerous, he doesn't like her drinking with others, the pub is not a nice area, why doesn't she come home to him where she is safe. Doesn't she like being with him? {angry] He loves her so much and doesn't want her hurt or in danger. Drinks' spiking happens, you know! It's all coming from a 'place of love'!

So now she can't go to evening drinks, leaving drinks, birthday drinks, anywhere in fact other than home or work. And she can't turn the fucking tracker off, because YOU'VE told her that would make her a BAD daughter! And because she doesn't realise that SHE HAS A CHOICE IN IT!

By all means, talk to your dd about dangers. Rape, murder, drinks spiking, yes they all happen. Controlling bastards like potential BF, and potentially you, happen much more frequently.

Have not read the whole thread, but I am prepared to admit I have stalked my kids using Find friends when they were ages 15/16/17 to check up they are where they say they are etc and particularly because my eldest has mental health problems and I worried about her a lot. I am not controlling by nature but I do get anxious about my kids. I felt it was a reasonable way of checking on unruly teenagers. I can totally see how it can turn into more of an obsessive habit and a parent is checking too often. It can became a way for the parent to reassure themselves and deal with their anxiety and thats when it goes too far.
Obviously in the OPs case this is way over the top and if I did this to my kids they would just block the feature. Of course he can't take the car back - that's ridiculous. Unfortunately, yes. you need to fight him on this OP.

I think it is a bit much, all these people saying the Dad is abusive etc. He is clearly just very anxious about her safety. I don’t know if enabling him is the best solution but personally I would probably let him keep the track on her as I can’t actually see the harm. All he knows is her location, not what she is doing there etc. I think the issue is him checking every 15 minutes which is bordering on obsessive. Surely he will tire of that after a while though when he is more used to her going out and about on her own and it will naturally reduce. My colleague at work tracks her teenage sons and her husband and he tracks them back and they are all perfectly happy with that and use it as a useful function to plan things like when to start dinner cooking etc. They are in no way ‘abusive’. So unless your daughter is really unhappy with the situation then I would just let it run it’s course until he is reassured.

"the role of a parent is prepare your children to be independent adults".

Exactly. If your NT (almost) adult child is waking up somewhere completely lost and then phones you to get you to tell them where they are you've failed as a parent.

The times when I did that, I got up, worked out where I was and then either got on a bus or walked home. I grew up in London. As a young adult I lived in Leeds. You just learn to navigate unfamiliar places. Your parents won't always be there and even if they were, why would you want to bother them with this stuff? They have their own lives.

@ciderhouserules

“Controlling bastards like potential BF, and potentially you”

Are you for real? 7:02 and you are already you’ve invented a controlling boyfriend for my 4 year old little girl and calling me a ‘potential controlling bastard’ because I know where she is when she’s at ballet. WOW
Sounds like you’ve got issues

@ciderhouserules

“I think you are projecting your own 'childhood' onto your children, Ansum. Where was your loving mother then? Why wasn't she following you to protect you from drinking in the streets at 14, and out with boyfriends at 16 until 2am? She tracks you now as an adult with kids? hmm - most parents know where their children are at 14yo!”

That’s just plain nasty. Believe it or not, I would always tell my loving mother where i’d been when I got in, because we were very close. She might then say, ‘don’t be doing that that!’ but I had a lot of freedom, and she trusted me. At 16 I was allowed our with my boyfriend until 2, yes. I was even allowed to sleep over a this house...shock, horror
Just because parents may be able to see your location, doesn’t mean they want to control your location. My mum doesn’t check where I am now to control it, of course not! You have it completely skewed

Parents seem WAY more involved with adult offspring these days, I see it with my nephews in their 20s and god children (similar age). My generation seemed more independent for some reason.

@Graphista

“Erm - I've lived in London and glasgow (my home city) among other places, my dd played "out front" perfectly safely from 6 in glasgow and friends and family have young DC similar ages that play "out front" now! So no need to be so patronising!”

I know nobody who lets their 4 year old play out in the streets without adult supervision. Does ‘out front’ mean the road...what even is ‘out front’?
My children play ‘out back’ in the back garden but no, I don’t let them roam the streets...

They were more independent because once you allowed kids to be out of sight, that was it. You had to trust them and yourself.
But there was less traffic then, and bullying might be a fight or teasing, but not stabbing. And if we did something stupid, for the large part only a few people might know and we got over it. We didn't have the threat of it being recorded forever by a 'friend with a camera phone.