Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

Mass hysteria with the accusations of abuse IMO.

I imagine it's exceedingly worrying when your teen learns to drive, especially as young drivers have a higher rate of accidents. Though it's boys more than girls.

Does he track her when she's out on public transport too?

I don't track my DC, but I would have done if I could when they went to a music concert a few weeks after the Manchester Arena bombing last year. I was so anxious till they got home.

Your dh behaviour is A huge red flag, I would?d defend my dd to the hilt. She is an adult entitled to her privzcy. If I were her, I would move out pretty quickly, as he sounds very controlling.

If I was your DD and I found this out I'd assume my father didn't trust me, which would be quite hurtful.

I was very worried when my son started driving (age 16). I never tracked his whereabouts though. It never occurred to me to do that.

Wow what did we do before phones and tracking. We placed our trust in our adult children. And let them find their way.

From what op has said it's not only to do with her driving. Basically tracking her !I've which it is wrong.

Mass hysteria with the accusations of abuse IMO.

It's not hysteria. The DH is sending the message loud and clear that it's perfectly acceptable for a man to track your every move, call you out on it if they don't like what they see, and threaten you with removing your possessions if you don't comply. This is a very poor lesson and if it was a husband doing this to a wife people would be screaming LTB, and rightly so. The DD is an adult. He does not have this right over her. He can still be concerned and care, of course, but he is way overstepping the mark.

Personally have tracking device on both dc's phones but I don't check at all unless one of them is late home and I haven't heard from them. Or if I know that they have been to a concert etc and are staying over at someone's house just to make sure they have returned safely.

It is more of a just in case of where they were rather than 24 hour tracking exactly where they are all the time.

FWIW both dp and I have the same thing on our phones so anyone can see where we are.

Can't imagine studying exactly where someone was every 15 minutes. That is weird

Point out to your husband that if he wants to drive her out of the house so that he never knows what she's doing or where she is, he's going the right way about it.

We have Find Friends, that is my DH, me, my DSis and our DD(15) have it... DS (19) doesn’t (hates Apple). We have it to help with logistics, complicated commitments, shift patterns etc... you can tell if someone is going to make it to a pick up etc without disturbing them whilst driving... or when to meet the very variable school bus... which stops in a dodgy place 2 miles from home (rural life for you). It works for us but I wouldn’t put up with constant monitoring... which is why my DSis and I would not let our DM be connected to us... she would do what your DH does and we are in our 40s!! She hates it if we don’t answer a phone instantly and will ring every number until she gets s response and it’s that sort of behaviour that has made us both much less close to her. This is what I would say to my DH if he was constantly tracking our DD

“I know you care about her and only want to ensure that she is safe but she is an adult now and you will drive her away if you don’t stop and I will never forgive you if that happens... so for all our sake’s stop being an overbearing dad NOW!”

Argh typo *sakes

My mum would have done this, had it been available when I was that age. She used to just turn up at work to make sure I was actually doing overtime like I said I was, and not ‘roaming the streets’. It was horrible.

Does he check her bank accounts or anything else?

I could understand it, if it was on occasion to make sure she was safe when driving, but to see who she’s with etc is too far.

My situation was more intense than
what your DDs sounds like though, my
mum used to allow me £50 a month out of MY £900 wage, it was that bad. I’m projecting a bit, but my point is the more independent I became, (first job, first car etc) the worse it got.

He is probably going to continue no matter what is said or how many arguments you have, as it’s ‘his roof’. My advice to your DD would be to save as much as possible and move out soon unfortunately.

Wait, as well as tracking her, he also holds over you that you didn't work bollocks to that, childcare IS work when the kids were small, so it's not your roof too?

You know, even in an argument that's unacceptable. I wonder what else you've been conditioned to think is normal, OP.

Your dh behaviour is A huge red flag

Is it a huge red flag, though? Unless there is some history that suggests he's anything other than a loving parent, well we all have this moment at some point (several probably) where we have to step back as our DCs grow up and I would suggest for a lot of us that happens when we realise it would be unreasonable to continue doing x because they're too old for that now.

It's not inconceivable that a loving parent just needs to wake the up to the fact that however dangerous the world is, their child is an adult now and it's time to try and stop worrying about them every second of the day.

Would we all assume abuse if we were talking about one of us treating DC like they were 13, rather than a dad? Would we be calling them 'creepy?

It's silly and it needs to stop, but a loving parent could easily be slow to let go.

I think he sounds controlling and potentially abusive.

He wants to track his adult daughter and starts a row if she tries to stop him (controlling)

He threatens to take back the car she was given if she tries to stop him tracking her (I really hold it's in her name so legally he can't) (controlling)

When the OP says "our money" or "our house" he brings up her not working when the kids were small and therefore not financially contributing (potentially financial abuse?) - without anything else this shows how little he thinks of the OP and their relationship

Sorry if I've missed this, but does the daughter work? Is she a student? Either way I hope she's able to move out and away from this horrible man asap. I hope the same for you OP.

We have this app too, we all have it & it's come in handy a few times over the years, even if only to find that DHs missing phones is in the car a few streets away. I think I've only once used it to check that DD was where she was meant to be, but that was after a row over a party she wasn't allowed to go to.

She was 14 at the time, so totally different to your situation. 18 is an adult & what he is doing is wrong. He needs to sort himself out or his controlling behaviour will push her away

Have you thought of family mediation ?. That might be a way forward & someone else to tell him what he's doing is it

The issue with this app is it only tells people where a phone is and if you don't want people to know where you are.

Friend of DDS mother had banned her dd from seeing a boy. So friend said she was at another friends house.
Left her phone there then went into town to meet the boy.

Returned home later that night having collected phone from friends house. Her mother was none the wiser

This is stalking.
If you rephrased your post to say my daughters boyfriend/ ex- boyfriend insists on tracking her movements, it would be.
If it was another individual other than her father she could legitmately complain to the police imo.

Is the car registered in her name?
If it's not , get it transferred so this threat from your husband is no longer a valid one. It's either hers or it's not.

And tell her to turn the tracking service off completly or leave her phone in the mailbox, and just deal with the week of moaning etc. Refuse to engage - both you and your daughter - call his bluff.
Or get her a pre-paid to use, and leave the phone with the tracking option in her room.

People have the right to privacy and what he is doing is likely to breach a number of laws.
All location services should be switched off on phones, especially in social media apps due to the security risks they involve.

I am sure he is just a worried father but he needs to be made to understand that if he continues carrying on in this fashion, it will permanently damage her relationship with you both.
I say this as when I was a teen, thankfully before the days of mobile phones, my father would call the police if I was 5 minutes past my curfew.He would also insist that he was a joint account holder on my bank account ( otherwise he wouldn't let me work) so he could check what I was spending my money on. It taught me to be sneaky, lie about what I was doing and hide as much as I could about my life.

He needs to let go, or he will have nothing to hold onto.

For those of you doubting that this is real, my abusive F was like this. There was no tracking device when we were young adults otherwise I don't doubt that he would have done this, and definitely with my DM, as he was constantly suspecting her of being unfaithful to him.

And yes, it is a massive red flag. My F subjected my DSis and me to SA while we were growing up. And my DM didn't know about this, and didn't recognise his controlling behaviour as abuse.

I'm very sorry, OP, I really don't want to alarm you, in all probability your DH is nothing like my abusive F. But it is important to realise which behaviours are that of a loving and protective father (or partner for that matter) and when it becomes coercive control. I think you know that your DH has crossed that line here.

This is the sort of thing my father would have done had we had the facility when I was a teen.

Our relationship was strained for a long time as he was explosive in anger and he frightened me. I no longer have contact with my parents (my choice). They know where I live but are blocked on all forms of social media and I have changed my phone number recently, which they don't have.

Your husband may think he is being a caring parent, but he is risking alienating his daughter from him forever, and because you are not supporting your daughter effectively, you may also find she no longer wishes to be in contact with you either. My father can not apologise to me for being verbally abusive to me in my own home, and my mother made constant excuses along the lines of 'that's what your father is like'. I won't tolerate that behaviour in my home therefore I see neither of them. This also means they don't see their grandchildren. Do you want this to be your reality in a few years?

Obviously when I come back with the "our roof" I get stuff brought up about how I didn't work when they were little but that's in an argument and he isn't usually like that.

Jesus. He couldn't make it any clearer that you are all under his control.

You are going the right way about driving your daughter away. Assuming you would like to see her as an adult, you need to take this fight for her now.

You need to be her role model here.
Whatever this family tracking malarkey is, you need to tell him its no longer appropriate and disconnect yourself from it too.
Maybe now your dd is an adult you have less reason to put up with his shit too?

The first thing to do is to check ownership of the car and put it into your dds name if not already. The second is for you and your dd to block his ability to track you both on your phones. I’d keep it on eachothers in case of emergency and keep your phone close. As for the not working comments, that is vile. I do wonder if you now start viewing his behaviour without the lense of loving, caring partner and father, you will find more examples of controlling behaviour and one upmanship.

I agree with some of the pps. He is teaching her that her needs and her autonomy is of secondary importance. Allowing him to continue track you is also teaching her compliance.

It is things like this why my DH never let me buy our DC’s cars and phones I would have been exactly the same it is a control thing. If she bought her own car and paid for her own phone he couldn’t do it as he wouldn’t have the “ bargaining tool” necessary to facilitate such control over an adult. I would encourage your daughter to stand on her own two feet financially and that will eliminate this worrying behaviour.