Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

My dh works in Westminster so I did check the tracker this morning. Dds had their tracker on for a gap year. I didn’t look obsessively as it would have been wierd.

Certainly don’t track my older kids. That’s so strange snd controlling.

Ansumpasty I feel sorry for your mother. One of the benefits of adult children moving out is that you stop fretting when they are late home.

@pointythings my MIL is like your grandmother was. She's always telephoned us a lot and worries if we don't answer. She's been known to call us 3 times in half an hour, until my DH answered, however inconvenient it might be.

I understand why she's like this. My FIL died in a car accident back in 2003, 7 months after we got married. But yes, it's very intrusive. I've learnt to 'suck it up' in recent years and let my DH deal with her calls, and I encourage her relationship with her 2 DGDs but it has caused arguments in the past.

Basically parents do need to back off with adult D.C., otherwise you do risk damaging your relationship with them, or their relationship with their partner.

I hope I'll be able to practise what I preach when my DDs are adults, at the moment they're 9 and 6 so it's a long way off. But what I could never see myself doing is tracking them.

@ciderhouserules
What a load of presumptuous shizer; i’m about as uncontrolling as they come. I personally don’t check on anyone’s location, as I don’t need to. I know where my children are, because they are infants. It would be bloody awful if I didn’t know where my 4 year old was

How does mother having the ability to see where I am (once a day/one a week/once a month, who knows) make me controlling?

It’s also not about love that I allow my husband to have me on Find my Friend. It’s about ease, as I stated earlier.

Get down off your high horse because you are waaaaaay off the mark.

Ansumpasty no not everyone who uses this tech is creepy etc but THIS guy his -

Shown by his reaction to the dd withdrawing her consent to being tracked.

His wife's reluctance to challenge him.

His attitude to both his wife and dd especially in terms of him thinking his financial provision for either entitles him to breach their right to privacy!

Op has even said one of the reasons he's given us he wants to know WHO she's with - she's an adult that's none of his damn business!

All of that strongly sounds like he's wanting to control her friendships, her sexuality- DEEPLY creepy from a FATHER - hell even if it was a husband it'd be creepy!

So THIS guy IS controlling, creepy AND abusive!

There are more creepy fathers around than some like to admit to themselves. I've got one, I think at least one pp has said they have, when I disclosed this to people I've discovered several people in my own circle have fathers who even if they haven't directly abused their child have behaved in deeply inappropriate ways regarding policing their sexuality and relationships.

I've lived overseas - the last time as an army wife, had dd just before leaving, living off base. Not only pre mobile phones but before my family or us had regular access to Internet initially either. Landline calls (bloody expensive!) and post only. millions have done this. I've several relatives who are emigrants to USA, Canada, aus, NZ, South Africa... They went at a time where most households didn't even have a phone! People managed just fine without knowing where their kids were every 15 bloody mins!

Geez my dd is 17, I haven't NEEDED to know where she is every 15 mins since she was probably about 10! If I tried to police where she goes now, track her like this she'd rightly find it invasive and infuriating! She's a good kid, no angel, but I've raised her to behave reasonably well, how to conduct herself correctly AND how to stay relatively safe (unfortunately you can't anticipate or protect against everything but you can't wrap them in cotton wool either. They need to live a life!)

That's just made me realise the irony here - he's probably claiming he's doing this due to concern for her safety when based not only on op's comments but statistically too - HE is a bigger threat to her than the outside world!

Op you may find it interesting to google such terms as emotional incest, enmeshment,

That post at 0846 was COMPLETELY uncalled for!

YOU should maybe Google enmeshment too.

How often someone speaks to their loved ones is NOT necessarily an indication of how close they are, although I'd argue it COULD indicate they're too close if there's excessive communication.

There's a family I know who would describe themselves as 'close' - I would describe them as unhealthily enmeshed. They not only call/text each other several times a day, they see each other most days, the now grown children all live less than 2 miles from the parents/grandparents, they never socialise completely outside the family group and even holiday regularly (2/3 times a year) together. The spouses of the children regularly feel ignored, ostracised, their views on how THEIR children are raised are often dismissed. There's already been 2 divorces as a result of the family dynamics and the ex-spouses had to fight tooth and nail for reasonable access to their own DC. It's highly dysfunctional and obvious to those outside it.

ansum, cider rightly called you on insinuating that people who 'only' call their mother once a week are therefore not close to their mother. Which is an offensive pile of utter nonsense. You judged her by your standards of what 'close' means and cider was rightly irritated. You actually owe her an apology.

I saw this on the 'heart' Facebook page earlier today. They keep taking threads from here.

@pointythings

Haha, as if! Cider was incredibly rude and called me a ‘crap parent,’ which was completely unprovoked.
That, combined with insinuating my mother is somehow a ‘weirdo’ for having me on Find my Friend and all the ‘FFS’ and ‘So?’s portray her as not a very nice person. Which is what I suggested, that she isn’t a very person.

Whereas you sound delightful.

And yes, I don’t know of anyone in real life who goes an entire week without some kind of contact with their mother if they have a close relationship. Sure, there’s people who barely speak but they obviously don’t have a close relationship- that’s a complete oxymoron.
No txts, no phone call, no picture message, no email, no tag on Facebook, no Instagram picture message, no calling the care home to see how they are-you obviously don’t think much about that person and they don’t play a very large role in your life.

The ones that go weeks without checking in at all to see if they’re well obviously won’t have something like Find my Friend for them.

Thanks, @Eryngium

Your definition of close is your own. It does not apply to other people. My parents and I have always been close - but we had our own lives. My parents never did mobile phones, social media or anything like that (I'm old. They are/were older still). And if I had started calling them weekly or more, my mum would have worried. We were still close - just not by your standards...

These days we are somewhat less close - there are reasons for that.

@pointythings

This is why I said I wonder if it’s a generational thing. Most people have a smart phone now-immediate information is always available. My friends and I will FaceTime each other while making dinner to chat. If I had FaceTimed my grandad without prior warning, he’d have been mortified.
If your mum was young and around today, with Instagram and Facebook, etc, it’s more than likely you would had more indirect contact with her. The ease of just writing ‘that looks tasty!’ in reply to someone’s instastory makes contact just so much easier and retains that presence in loved ones lives.
Would you still consider yourself close to your husband if you went a couple of weeks without so much as a phonecall, most of the time?
Relationships are mainted through contact.

Maintained *

I don’t blame him. Shows he is a good dad who is concerned about his daughter! Your post, followed by
too right I will be checking where my 18 year old daughter (and son!) are when they go clubbing. and, to Helmet
You are just probably an awful parent and couldn’t care less what happens to your kids. Your words. Taken from your posts. One of which has been deleted, so this one prob will be too.

And I'm incredible rude? Whose posts have been deleted, remind me? For being incredibly rude and for personal attacks? I'm the one who's not nice? .

Incidentally, gaslighting and playing the victim - also techniques used by controlling abusers. I never called you a crap parent, I pulled you up on calling Helmet a crap parent. I never said your mother was a weirdo (alhough a PP did - and I agree).

I see you, Ansum.

I was literally about to post the same quotes Cider.

This thread and the thread about 18 yos taking drugs has really shown soe really bizarre people/posts, I actually feel sorry for the kids!

No txts, no phone call, no picture message, no email, no tag on Facebook, no Instagram picture message, no calling the care home to see how they are-you obviously don’t think much about that person and they don’t play a very large role in your life. (about my contact with DM) - I don't know how you think I should contact my mum as she has no internet, no email, no FB, no insta, no pictures on her very basicphone - in fact her mobile is usually at the bottom of her bag, switched off.

BAD mother that she is, she never bothers to track what I'm doing or where I am every 15 minutes! So - it has to be the landline phonecall once a week. I fit that in round her social life.

And if my Dp put a tracker on my phone and refused to allow me to shut the fucker off, he would be dumped in no time.

It sounds like he might suffer with anxiety has she recently passed driving test?

@ciderhouserules

That’s very selective quoting If you had cared to quote the rest, the ONE TIME I defended the op’s husband is when I apologied for not reading the entire thread, only the original post. Indeed, the op drip fed and didn’t state the age of the child in the post, or highlight any other issues.

And yes, when my children go clubbing into the city for the first few times, I will definitely be checking up on them to see if they are safe. Perhaps you are naive, or live in th safest part of the UK, but rape and attacks are rife here and 18 year olds are vulnerable and immature. It’s a long way off, and I’d like to think my children won’t go on the 24 hour ‘benders’ that some teens go on, but if they do, at least if anything awful was to happen to them, I would know where to find them if needs be.
Helmet was rude and again, started bizarre name calling.

‘I see you, Ansum.’ Now THAT is creepy

@Ciderhouserules

“And if my Dp put a tracker on my phone and refused to allow me to shut the fucker off, he would be dumped in no time”

Er yes, quite rightly, but we aren’t talking about your husband forcably taking your phone and installing a tracker- since when was it about couples forcing trackers on each other? That’s a whole different thread.

Is that also aimed at me, because no, my mum certainly did not do that

Ansumpasty
One of my close friends growing up was heavily addicted to cocaine and gambling at 18.
He would go missing and go on binges. He went on one of his ‘binges’ and was eventually found, 2 days later, in an alley next to a bookies, passed out and bleeding profusely out of his nose from the overuse of cocaine.
Would snap chat or find my friend app have been amazing back then to try and ensure his safety when everything else besides admitting him to rehab had failed? Absolutely! We thought he was dead and couldn’t find him.

Bekabeech

Actually the ability to fail, to bear the full consequences of your actions is important to overcome addictions.
Yes being able to find him faster might have made you feel better. But wouldn't have helped him reach rock bottom and confront his addictions faster.

Of course, if Ansum's friend had had a phone with a tracker it wouldn't have helped anyone as, if he was in that bad a way, he'd have pawned the phone for money for drugs.

@Muddling

He didn’t need to pawn or sell his phone, he was/is pretty well off. Would have avoided the police having to waste their time finding him, though! His mum was in absolute state, and quite rightly so.

the ONE TIME I defended the op’s husband is when I apologied for not reading the entire thread, only the original post. Indeed, the op drip fed and didn’t state the age of the child in the post, or highlight any other issues.

You cannot put everything you might possibly need to in the OP. People ask questions, the conversation moves on. Missing off the age was an obvious thing and that was quickly corrected. So if you join in a thread that's already run for several pages, it makes sense to read the OP's posts. It is easy to highlight them. That way you can get hold of most of the relevant information and the gist of the argument.

Checking on someone's status on social media might superficially make us feel closer. But in some ways it distances us - people caught up liking posts on FB or Instagram spend less time actually being sociable IRL (see e.g. this report www.cnbc.com/2015/10/15/social-media-making-millennials-less-social-study.html) So don't kid yourself that interacting several times a day of FB necessarily makes you closer or any less close than those that choose other methods.

Cider - well said.

Ansum, it doesn't really matter at which point you said these, it was pretty clear to me and others from op's first post there was serious issues here and at only the 2nd post op says dd is 18!

Checking up on such an app when they're clubbing WON'T tell you they're safe! They could be assaulted in the club, in the alley at the back of it, in a taxi or other car outside it... Plus it's got a range of I think 10/15 miles?! So it's not even that accurate! Even if you see them in a 'dangerous' area you can't protect them just by seeing they're there on the app!

Most assaults and particularly rapes are perpetrated by people known to the victim (usually very well!)

Indeed you seem to have fallen for the "stranger drags victim down an alley" rape myth. This type of rape is extremely rare. And again, tracking your child won't protect them from this.

If anything such apps seem to be giving you and possibly others a false sense of security.

Far better to teach them personal safety techniques, the meaning of consent, empower them to say "no", or to leave a situation or person they feel is unsafe, self defence techniques etc.

It's NOT a "whole different thread" - this is about a man enforcing an adult woman to allow him to see whenever he wishes to check, where she is at any given time. It's outrageous!!

@Gabilan

I agree with what you say. People don’t spend enough time actually seeing people, and it’s sad, and damaging.

Being able to see people’s posts on Instagram when they’re on holiday, or watch their video upoads, does allow you to feel closer to them, though.

It comes down to both parties being comfortable with how much they share with each other. Similarly, anything can get obsessive. Just as the op’s husband has let his (suggested) anxiety leech into his daughter’s privacy by obsessively checking Find my Friend, others call/txt repeatedly, which is equally as unhealthy.

Find my Friend and the likes can be used in positive ways, and I stand by that. It doesn’t make everyone who uses it creepy, or controlling. It’s how it’s used that’s important