Husband keeps tracking our daughter on find my friend on iPhone

[staraw]

If she goes out, it's every 15 minutes he's tracking her. I'm not too sure how to address this, thanks.

I think I'd try and reason with logic. Ask him when he thinks it will be acceptable to stop tracking her... 19? 21? 25? When she moves out? when she has a child of her own? It's ridiculous!!!! She's an adult.

Poor op, hope you are ok this morning...

when she has no other means of contact besides a landline? That’s pretty harsh in itself. - well, I tried telepathy, but it didn't work.

Honestly, Ansum, your language now - you are starting to sounds abusive and controlling yourself. You won't answer whether your children are allowed to object to being tracked. You counter all arguments against being watched every minute with 'but I love them so much! It's called being a GOOD PARENT!' and everyone who suggests that it is controlling is told it's them being crap and uncaring. You make PA digs instead of a decent argument. You haven't answered whether you'd take away a gift if your adult daughter wanted to turn off her tracker?

Controlling people always turn it around to how wonderful they are being. So you are available to your mum 24/7? I'm not, and that makes me a Bad Daughter? You can contact your dh if he's in the airport? That makes you Great. Other people park up.

Have you ever wondered if you are a controlling abuser?

Is the rest of your family forced to have trackers on
their phones? And if not, are they made to feel Bad and guilty for not being available and watched?? DO YOU make them feel bad and guilty?

Judging by your last few posts to me, I reckon the answer is yes. And that makes YOU a controller. And as the ONLY one on this thread to agree with the creepy controlling abuser - that doesn't surprise me.

She’s an adult and there’s no way she should be sharing her phone location with anyone - unless she chooses to do so of her own free will (threatening to take away her car means it’s certainly not her free will).

Find a friend can be a great thing, in the right circumstances (example, my adult DC often choose to use the share location function with each other or us to coordinate family days out etc), but your DH behaviour isn’t normal or healthy.

@ciderhouserules

As my children are 4 and 6, erm....no....I actually look after my children in person? Do I ‘track’ that they are in school or in ballet? Of course!

When they get a smart phone as adults, would I force them to have a tracker on it? No, obviously I would not. Then again, ‘find my friend’ will have adapted in 14 years.

I have answered about taking away the car. I’ve said that’s not normal.

Not once have I said, ‘but I love them so much!’ You are delusional. Maybe put down the wine and give your old mum a call?

I have good friends on the other side of the world.

I even lived away from my husband for six months early in our marriage. In a strange country with only new friends.
If my husband had suggested a tracker (no technology for it in those days) it would have been the end of our marriage. We relied on phone calls and email, and it was fine.

@Bekabeech

So you’d have divorced your husband if he was able to see where you where on snapchat!? That’s shocking!
It’s not ‘installing a tracker,’ it comes with app! You can also click ‘not available’ if you are up to no good or, I don’t know, planning a surprise party venue and checking it out? It’s not a microchip

I guess the only solution is a huge argument between me and him which is a real shame.

Dear God! He’s really played a number on you didn’t he. He’s conditioned you into accepting his controlling behaviour by bullying you into keeping your mouth shut. Thank God you’re DD hasn’t learned your way of handling her father.

There’s no point in reasoning with him because he’s used to getting his own way and isn’t shy about manipulating and bullying to get it. Yes, it’s time (long overdue in fact), to stand up to him and having your DD’s back is a good a time as any. However, be prepared for him to ratchet up the abuse in a desperate effort to maintain the status quo.

Your DD needs you to be strong, to be her advocate and her role model.

Well, I speak to my mum less frequently than once week - she is in another country. What a bad daughter I am...

Only - when my grandmother was alive, she would call my mum every week. And get hysterical when we weren't there, even though we always informed her when we would be on holiday (before the time of mobile phones). My mum found it hideously oppressive and vowed to let us have their own lives, and for us to just call each other when we felt like it.

When communication is done out of obligation rather than love, there's something wrong.

Oh, and I would have divorced my husband too if he had ever suggested using a tracker app. I was always the one who worked away (short overnights) and I wouldn't have had any of that. Fortunately he never asked because he, you know, trusted me. And I him.

@pointythings

It’s not about trust, it’s just a sign of the times. I’m starting to wonder if it’s a generational thing?
My husband’s 9 year old bother has one of those smart kids watches with a built in tracker because he isn’t old enough for a phone. This allows him to make his own way to football practice and to and from school in a capital city, with my mother and father in law being able to check he safely arrived.
My 19 year old sister is able to see where ALL her friends are on snap chat. Its like everything; it’s only a problem if the person themselves is a problem. It’s clearly only designed with normal in mind and not obsessive stalkers. You can easily disable it (or unfriend your stalker)

It may be a sign of the times, ansumpasty, but not opting into it does not mean you are a bad daughter, or a bad parent, or a bad friend. We are all free to make those choices if we are of an age to do so. You may not intend to come across as judgmental of those who choose not to use tracking technology, or who find it distasteful, but that is how you come across.

@pointythings
Of course an adult should be free to opt out, isn’t that obvious? Again, there was no mention of the child’s age in the original post.

I also think it can be massively beneficial when problems arise.
One of my close friends growing up was heavily addicted to cocaine and gambling at 18.
He would go missing and go on binges. He went on one of his ‘binges’ and was eventually found, 2 days later, in an alley next to a bookies, passed out and bleeding profusely out of his nose from the overuse of cocaine.
Would snap chat or find my friend app have been amazing back then to try and ensure his safety when everything else besides admitting him to rehab had failed? Absolutely! We thought he was dead and couldn’t find him.

Is it appropriate to check a 16 year olds whereabouts when she’s gone to help out at the local Brownies or to do her nails with her friend? No.

Surely you can see why these apps can have their advantages, when used probably and not abused?

Properly *

Possibly, but firstly the OP's OH was not using them appropriately - he was using them to bully and control his DD, as the OP's posts made very clear. Too many people on this thread have defended the father in this case. And you have insinuated that people who don't use them, or contact their family with a frequency that you deem 'insufficient' are uncaring and unloving. That's not helpful.

Ansumpasty, you are obviously coming at this from a different viewpoint, you have young children. When your children are 18, like most of us, I expect you will respect their right to privacy and hopefully defend that right. Lots of us love our adult children without tracking them, even though we might want to sometimes. It's called letting go and is essential for us and them.

@Ansumpasty I would divorce my husband if he thought he had a right to know where I was all the time - because that is weird stalkerish behaviour.
I don't use Snapchat. My DC do but have switched of the location function and only switch it on when they are "meeting up".

And if I was on the other side of the world and could track my DD and see she was somewhere she shouldn't be it would be of no use as what could I do. So I think having that feature on all the time would stress me more. I'd rather check in via the odd text/message, answered when she has time.
And I don't know where my 19 or 22 year old (or even15 year old) are all the time. And that is part of growing up - it can be tough for the parent but it involves trust.

One of my close friends growing up was heavily addicted to cocaine and gambling at 18.
He would go missing and go on binges. He went on one of his ‘binges’ and was eventually found, 2 days later, in an alley next to a bookies, passed out and bleeding profusely out of his nose from the overuse of cocaine.
Would snap chat or find my friend app have been amazing back then to try and ensure his safety when everything else besides admitting him to rehab had failed? Absolutely! We thought he was dead and couldn’t find him.
Actually the ability to fail, to bear the full consequences of your actions is important to overcome addictions.
Yes being able to find him faster might have made you feel better. But wouldn't have helped him reach rock bottom and confront his addictions faster.

You've missed the point by a country mile. There is nothing wrong with the family having this feature, it's a good thing when used by sensible people for sensible reasons. The rest of the family are not abusing the ability they have, but he is.

Thread has moved on since I last read, but no, I didn't miss the point. I acknowledged that checking that frequently was a problem which needed addressing, but it wasn't (at the time of posting, don't know if OP has since revealed differently) originally forced upon the (whole) family. It appears the trouble has come about because of the recent new frequency with which he checks. And that is what he needs help changing. (yes, threatening to take the car away is not on, but to me this indicated he was worried about DD being out in the car and him not being able to check on her when driving. Note the frequency increased when she started driving alone. )

Someone I worked with did this to her 15 year old until she found out her daughter was just leaving her mobile with a friend and going out anyway.

Trust goes a long way.

Problem is, ansum is that you suggested that it is normal, and even 'loving' to want to track your (ADULT) children. And be tracked.

You allow yourself to be tracked. You consider it 'loving' if your mum does it to you. You consider that tracking your family 24/7 is a caring, loving thing to do to your family. You then told others that not tracking your adult children 24/7 means that they are a bad parent and OBV they don't love their children as much as you do. This is the language of an abuser - I love you SOOO much, I need to know where you are at all times.

You then twist it too - I am a bad daughter, for not tracking my mother (Or is it that I have not allowed her to track me 24/7, even though she can't ?) and you are such a good daughter for being watched all the time by your family. You guilt trip people into letting you do this, because otherwise they are Bad (daughters, mothers,wives) and you are so good - it's coming from a place of LOVE and CONCERN, after all

You use the language and techniques of a controller, ansum. You don't accept that others have their own wants and desires and lives; you need to control and supervise. And if they kick back, well, what Bad Family they are. And all because you LOVE them so much.

Ciderhouse - I couldn't agree more with your last post.

ciderhouse exactly how I feel about it, only articulated so much better.

Id I was her I would be returning the car and moving out!

That’s a shame, sounds like you and mum aren’t close. Unfortunate. Let’s hope you and your children speak more than once a week, hey?

That's just thoroughly nasty. People's relationships differ hugely. Who are you to judge in that way and why are you doing it?