Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect play dates and party invitations to be returned?

137 replies

Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:06

Hi, what do you think? Last year my DD had a birthday party for her 8th birthday and invited her friends mostly boys and one girl. Her other girl friends couldn’t make it. So, not one single boy who came to the party has invited her back to their toes this year. She is pretty astute and is undersandably insulted. The same goes for play dates, we invite kids- girls and boys but people just don’t seem to be bothered about returning the gesture. My DD is a lovely kind and well behaved child, very funny and pleasant so I know it’s not like it’s her that is the issue. Have people just forgotten their manners? Do people just not know about basic etiquette anymore or am I out of step??

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:06

Sorry I said invited back to their toes?? Their parties I should have said!

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 12/08/2018 18:08

I wouldnt expect an invite back, if that's how it worked it would be the same kids at every single party. They've all got different friends

EssentialHummus · 12/08/2018 18:08

Do you know that they had parties? And that they weren’t boy-only affairs, or limited in number for cost reasons? I understand your sadness when this happens, but I think it’s a lesson in how not everyone can be invited to every occasion.

NicoAndTheNiners · 12/08/2018 18:10

Play dates is tricky.....what if their parents work. I always found inviting kids back really difficult when I work full time.

Givemestrengthwtaf · 12/08/2018 18:10

At that age a lot of them only invite boys only or girls only to their parties. I really wouldn't be offended by invites not being returned. Some parents like hosting and having kids around and some don't.

ExFury · 12/08/2018 18:10

You’ll find that a lot of kids invite all boys or all girls. And giving invitations doesn’t necessarily mean they come back - smaller parties, changes in friendship groups all play a part.

Play dates can also be a minefield when you add in parents working, other siblings etc. Plus some people don’t have the space for them. When my dad started school I’d have died of shame to have anyone to the shithole temporary place we lived.

Oblomov18 · 12/08/2018 18:11

I don't worry about parties.
Play dates, I invite them twice, if they don't reciprocate, I don't bother again.

Original poster
Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:12

Yes I know they all had parties. Also why would you send your boy to a party of a girl but then not invite that child back based on their sex? We had a party for 10, so 9 boys had a party after comming to Hera and not one invited her back. That’s just wrong. I have to say what saddens me is that she has been left feeling sad, but what angers me is the lack of consideration shown from their parents. It’s just rude.

OP posts:
nellyolsenscurl · 12/08/2018 18:14

Parties , yes I would feel obliged to invite but play dates no. Some people work, some don't have space to have others around and I know one mum who is a hoarder and is embarrassed to have people around. Don't take it personally OP.

AutoFilled · 12/08/2018 18:14

I don’t expect any invites back. I just feel happy their friends are happy to come to their parties. At 7, DC already tells me whose parties she doesn’t want to go to. If she is inviting almost all boys, are their parties all boys ones? That will be why she’s not got an invite back at all. Play dates I don’t expect returns either. I don’t mind having friends DC genuinely wants to play with at my place. They make her happy and it’s not a pain having them over anyway. It saves me thinking of something to entertain her too.

ExFury · 12/08/2018 18:16

It’s not rude. Your DD invited the 10 children she wanted most at her party. Those children then invited the 4/6/10 children they wanted most at their parties. Sometimes those are the same children and sometimes they are not.

how many of those 9 boys would still have been invited if every single child you DD is friends with was available? Some wouldn’t have made the list, and that’s all that’s happened in your dds case. It’s not a concerted effort by parents to leave her out

AutoFilled · 12/08/2018 18:16

Actually I work full time, so all the play dates I only do during school holidays. I really don’t mind having them over all day. But it’s going to be very rare. And dump and run totally welcome.

WallisFrizz · 12/08/2018 18:19

We’ve had it both ways...been invited to parties of children who we didn’t invite to dcs but also not been invited to parties of children who came to dcs.

One of the girls in my ds year had a very boy heavy party as she is a bit of a tom boy. The boys do like her but not sure she features amongst their best friends. I think I will suggest to ds that he returns the invite to her this year.

Original poster
Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:20

I have to say I am shocked by how many people will happily send their kids to play at your house and go to parties you throw but then never bother to return the gesture. I get the play date thing in terms of working full time etc but they don’t all work full time. It’s hard if you are trying to build friendship groups as a child. We don’t have family where we live and most of our good friends with kids don’t have kids or live far enough away to have to make arrangements well ahead of time.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2018 18:20

I think that there is generally an assumption that playmates are reciprocated (although some people don't seem to do them - I don't think it is reasonable to invite others to play in the hope of getting childcare later on).

I don't think parties are reciprocal though. How would that work? Decide what party you are having at the start of the year and who you would invite and only accept invites from people you want to invite? Or leave out a favourite friend who's family can't afford a party in favour of a child who had a whiole class party?

Stompythedinosaur · 12/08/2018 18:21

Playmates=playdates.

MrsLandingham · 12/08/2018 18:28

IME, parents are happy to have their DC come round to play, but depressingly few reciprocate. I remember once saying to a mum whom I felt was right royally taking the piss,'So, when can DD come round to yours?' She replied that she didn't have other children back, and she thought I liked having others round because I was a teacherConfused A bit like a nurse wanting to look after sick people in their free time / holidays!

Original poster
Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:29

Well I certainly am not inviting kids in the hope of getting free childcare later on but thanks for that stompythedinosoar. (I’m not the mum off Motherland!) I don’t need free childcare. How I plan it is this- I can afford say ten kids, so I say firstly who invited you last year and who did you go to- after that I say who do you like and are playing with at the moment. If it worked out to be more than ten I wouldn’t be leaving anybody out I’d be doing something cheaper or at home or at the park to make sure they were included. That’s basic good manners as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:
Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 12/08/2018 18:29

We invited DS whole class of 28 and most came. He has been invited to about 11 in return.
However the school has a lot of parents who are not well off at all so prob can’t afford a party or just a very very small party. I count ourselves lucky we can afford a full class party for DS so no i don’t begruge or judge those who don’t invite DS back

PattiStanger · 12/08/2018 18:30

If a girl invites all boys to her party (or vice versa) ime it's unlikely at that age that she will be invited to boy only parties. It didn't work that way for my DC, once whole class parties stop it didn't really happen that just one boy/girl was invited.

I can't always reciprocate playdates and I don't keep track of the ones we do, life's too short.

User212434667 · 12/08/2018 18:31

I mean this helpfully OP, but are you certain your DD (and you) are definitely always pleasant company? You sound absolutely certain, but if all her girl friends were ‘busy’ during her party bar one, no further party invites and no playdates have been forthcoming it does make me wonder if something might be going on behind this.

Have there been past friendship issues in class? Does your DD seem to have genuine friendships? Could her behaviour in class be less pleasant than you realise? Are you friends with the parents of these kids?

I always remember one OP saying her daughter and family had been excluded from an end of school BBQ hosted by another parent, and was absolutely devastated and flummoxed. It turned out after asking some of the other (very embarrassed) parents, that a friendship issue the OP had written off as nothing and dismissed a few months previously had had a major impact on the party host’s child, and the other parents had witnessed the OPs daughter’s bullying behaviour and all were in agreement. Even after that the OP was insistent it was a load of playground nonsense but it obviously wasn’t to the other people involved...

I’m not saying it’s anything like that! But it might be worth a bit more reflection.

Raspberryberetthekindyoufind · 12/08/2018 18:32

So you would not have the party your DS really wanted for example laser quest or bowling. Instead you would say he has to invite everyone and go to the park.
Sorry but my DS birthday so he gets to do what he wants to do (within reason)

ExFury · 12/08/2018 18:32

I think looking back a year at last years parties is madness personally. At 8 my girls had different friends month to month never mind year to year.

Also I always held whole class parties for mine. And I don’t think for a second a child who’d have been 19th or 20th on their list should be obliged to invite one of mine to their small party if they’re not close friends.

Especially once kids get to 8/9/10 and they might have friends in the street they live in and from various out of school activities to add in as well.

Original poster
Crazy3 · 12/08/2018 18:36

Believe me my DD is lovely. I’d be the first to say if she wasn’t. She is kind behaves well in class and is considerate of others. She mainly plays with boys there are only 9 girls in her class. The girls have moved around a lot and there is a small core of 6 who have been there all the way through but they don’t all play together. She invited 3 girls and 7 boys. That she plays with most days. The parents who have not invited back are well off, it’s a school in an affluent area and I’ve known the parents for years. So I know their circumstances and I know that it’s just plain old bad manners. Sorry but I’m this case it is.

OP posts:
catherinedevalois · 12/08/2018 18:36

So are you saying that she has to firstly invite those children whose parties she has been invited to? They might not like each other any more! The right way round imo is choose how many to invite then choose the children who she enjoys playing with AT THE MOMENT. Any spare places can then go to secondary playmates.