To expect play dates and party invitations to be returned?

[Crazy3]

Hi, what do you think? Last year my DD had a birthday party for her 8th birthday and invited her friends mostly boys and one girl. Her other girl friends couldn’t make it. So, not one single boy who came to the party has invited her back to their toes this year. She is pretty astute and is undersandably insulted. The same goes for play dates, we invite kids- girls and boys but people just don’t seem to be bothered about returning the gesture. My DD is a lovely kind and well behaved child, very funny and pleasant so I know it’s not like it’s her that is the issue. Have people just forgotten their manners? Do people just not know about basic etiquette anymore or am I out of step??

We took dc’s friend on holiday and never even got a sleepover in return!

Some people don’t do parties/play dates or do just family/single sex.

You have the party for your own child’s enjoyment —presents—. Don’t expect tiddly squat in return!

At that age I wouldn't expect to have to do anything that isn't led by my child re party/play dates. Ie if she wants so and so on a play date she asks me and she chooses who she invites at her birthday (I set the number and she deals with the names). I don't do many play dates anyway as I work full time but done a couple of sleepovers with close friends (my oldest is just turning 7).

Sorry she invited 3 girls originally that should say. Anyway I give up. I’m gonna go with one of the posters above- invite twice and then stop if they don’t return the gesture. Because it’s not about childcare or favours it’s building a peer group for your child

Better to just invite the 10 kids your child wants to invite and leave it at that. The only person that misses out of you bring in strict rules about reciprocation is your dd if she misses out on a child she likes completely.

It's been years since I was in this situation but I remember it seemed to be some bizarre game I didn't know "the rules" of. If someone invited my dc to a party or play date I always reciprocated but apparently some people just didn't bother and gradually over the years we just toughened up and tried not to get mugged off by parents looking for free childcare/only inviting the popular kids to parties etc. It's a learning curve op.
From what I've observed on mn it's another one of those parallel universe topics where everyone is apparently totally cool with their dc constantly being overlooked for invitations but irl it would probably really upset and bother most people

It's not very mannerly to host expecting reciprocation if you don't spell that out first. PLENTY of reasons why some people cannot reciprocate - perhaps they have a child or relative living with them who has SEN and can't handle visitors, perhaps they live in shabby housing and are embarrassed, maybe they're on the bones of their arse and cannot afford to host. As long as thanks is expressed for the hospitality, expecting anything else is rather presumptuous. I'd also advise you to teach your child not to take everything in life so personally.

Nope. I invite the whole class for the young DC and do not even know who or how many invite her back, I just don't keep track. Older DC normally just have a couple over for a more expensive activity.
Regarding play dates, again I don't always invite back, for eg my eldest DC friends DH loathes pets, he physically shudders when I tell him I have cats in the kitchen! The one time his (lovely) DS came over he really couldn't cope with our 3 dogs and 3 cats. It was difficult trying to keep everyone away from each other. So I would imagine I'm in major arrears with play dates. If you want to refuse to invite my DC round as you're DC has not been enough to mine, that's fine, I won't be offended but please don't be offended if someone doesn't return the date as they know what their house and environment is like and if it works better than you

I find this really sad.

So when my children come home with an invitation for a play date/party should I advise them that we couldn’t possibly attend as I couldn’t promise the ‘privilege’ could be returned?!

I was interested to read this , as my DD goes to most parties to which she is invited, but we don't hold parties for her. She still gets invited to more, but I wonder if those parents query what we do? We only have play dates with her best friend , but occasionally will meet other people out.

I never saw the need to build a peer group for my three. They had/have one at school and then seemed perfectly capable of forming them themselves as they got older.

I hate tally chart behaviour. If your child wants a friend to play then invite them. You have absolutely no idea what other people’s lives are like, or why they don’t reciprocate.

Has she been to any parties this year?

If she invited 10 kids to hers and has not been to any herself that's really sad. Obviously the parents won't know when doing the invites but I think it would be tough to explain to a child. And in general about why so many who came to hers - all boys - didn't invite her back to theirs. I mean the only reaosnable answer is "they didn't want any girls" which is shit TBH. Other answer is "they didn't want you" which is worse.

I feel for your DD TBH.

See I don't get this idea that things must be equal or whatever. I very rarely have kids back here as I have rescue dogs who are not great with people they don't know, younger children with Special needs and to be honest a pretty chaotic lifestyle in general with 4 kids all doing different things - 3 different primary schools.

So should I stop my daughters going to their play dates and party invites Just because we can't do the same in return? Doesn't seem very fair on her.

Equally, we have done other things with other kids - helped out parents who are running late for school pick up, dropping others to clubs etc. But I wouldn't expect them to offer to do the same just because I did it.

So it's not on any of the other families but I think the end result is shit for the kid I really do.

I think it's not right to just 'expect' in these situations. You have no idea of the personal/work/financial/day to day circumstances of the children's families and there are probably genuine reasons in most cases.

If it bothers you that much, don't hold parties.

IF my son gets invited to a play date I usually invite the child back. Recently my son had a miserable play date and was very clear he doesn’t want another one. It’s a bit awkward but I’m not going to make my child unhappy just for the sake of playground etiquette. So you are probably not BU but it depends.

Parties are completely different. The reciprocal element is the gift. There’s no obligation to return party invitations. YABU about that but I understand why you feel sad about it.

I’ve always got dd to reciprocate invitations unless she’s been to a very large party or whole class party and her party isn’t. But it’s easy as she’s toward the end of the school year. Ditto playdates. I know a lot of parents don’t work like this at all.

Was your dd invited to a party at all over the last scholastic year? And yes, I agree with pps that from this age there are lots of all girl/ all boy parties so something to bear in mind and tailor parties accordingly perhaps. With 9 girls can she invite the other 8?

“Play dates, I invite them twice, if they don't reciprocate, I don't bother again.”

Even if your child really wants them?

Paulruddislush; Thankyou you have hit the nail on the head.

Crazy 3I think you're getting a hard time here. To me, it's only manners to reciprocate if your DC has been invited round / taken out for the day / had a sleepover. Adopting 'two strikes and you're out' seems sensible to me. After all, there are plenty of, 'My neighbour / SIL is a CF and expects me to look after her child' threads where posters urge the OP to stand up for herself!

I do think there’s a bit more to building a peer group for your kids than just invitations, though. Do you make an effort with the parents? “Knowing” them for years and forming friendships aren’t the same thing. I’ve made an effort to make connections and friendships, and those are the repeat playdates we tend to have. It’s easy and low maintenance. I do reciprocate playdates for kids who invite mine, but I might not do it more than once if it was a bit forced. I also have several children and simply don’t have the time to host multiple play dates a week.

I’d try and cultivate specific friends, rather than make it a numbers game.

Nothingontellyagain- Thankyou- she has been to a grand total of 1 party this year. She has 2 good friends who don’t have parties they still get invited to hers. What has upset us is that she hasn’t been invited back to kids who we know have had parties. When it’s your child who feels expelled from her friendship groups you start to wonder what’s wrong with people.

When inviting children to her party you prioritised those who had invited your dd to their party?

"Adopting 'two strikes and you're out' seems sensible to me."
Even if your child wants to invite them?

sorry I should have said that I still invite kids that don’t have parties themselves..she is upset at not being invited to parties she knows are happening with friends who have come to hers. From an 8 year old’s perspective it’s not fair. I can sympathise with that, if you can’t fine. Just put yourself in her position as a kid.