To expect play dates and party invitations to be returned?

[Crazy3]

Hi, what do you think? Last year my DD had a birthday party for her 8th birthday and invited her friends mostly boys and one girl. Her other girl friends couldn’t make it. So, not one single boy who came to the party has invited her back to their toes this year. She is pretty astute and is undersandably insulted. The same goes for play dates, we invite kids- girls and boys but people just don’t seem to be bothered about returning the gesture. My DD is a lovely kind and well behaved child, very funny and pleasant so I know it’s not like it’s her that is the issue. Have people just forgotten their manners? Do people just not know about basic etiquette anymore or am I out of step??

The thing is, there aren’t bizarre rules you don’t know. You are coming across the conventions for parties that, like them or not, come into play:

1. by age 8 parties tend to divide for ease into boys’ and girls’ parties. It is awkward to simply invite one girl from a class and not all the others. Your DD is probably falling foul of this fact as you are talking about 9 boys.

2. the above would not be relevant if your DD was best friends with one of the boys, which would give a reason to single her out. It doesn’t sound like there are any special friends amongst them as they are all discussed with equal distance.

3. by the time kids are 8 people tend to have got into a playdate groove of inviting kids who are easy, who’s parents you know (and who’s parents are easy!). You make it all sound very hard work, and like you are NOT interested in the kids or parents as individuals. If I got that vibe I’d be keeping a polite distance.

I said it up thread, but invest in relationships with a few kids that your daughter likes and gets on with, and drop the numbers game. I personally would be a lot less likely to encourage reciprocal playdates with parents who I don’t really know, or who I felt were doing it for superficial reasons “to give DC someone to play with” rather than DC really love playing together.

I’m not sure you’re doing her any favours persisting with the tit-for-tat. You’re making it into something about you, not about her...

This all seems really complicated... If my DC get invited to a party and want to go, they go, and take a present, and say thank you to the host at the end. For their own parties, we make a list of some people they'd like to invite (usually 6-8), and invite them. We don't keep tabs on who came to what.

Occasionally I ask them to go to a party they don't want to go to (eg if there's a new child in the class who's clearly trying to get to know people) or ask them to invite someone extra (again, if there was a child who was new or when a boy in DS' class had missed school due to being in hospital and DS had basically forgotten about him).

With "play dates" we just invite/send to reach others houses when they want and when it suits. I don't especially mind hosting as it's still easier than having DS kicking about on his own (but then I don't really put on any special entertainment or food for them or anything). It's almost easier than him going elsewhere and me having to pick him up. One friend works one afternoon a week, so her DCs basically go to friends' houses that afternoon. It would never occur to me to expect her to have them all back to get house to make up for it.

Oh dear the minefield that us kids parties 😉. I've never done whole class or large parties, My child has a small circle f close friends, for his birthday he chooses one or two to go bowling or other similar activity because thats what he wants t do. He says it's his party. Luckily the other mums in this friendship group of children understand why all the kids don't get invited even if he has been to their parties. We all do what's right in our own situation.

My guess is that if the OP's dd is half as difficult as her mum that is why she doesn't get invited!

I don't think party invites have to be reciprocated. For a start people have different sized parties. My DS had an entire class party one year so obviously if some of the kids invited had smaller parties he may not be invited and that's fine. I'd much rather they came to his party than turned down the invite because he wasn't going to be invited to theirs. Friendships shift quite quickly too so a pair who were as thick as thieves one month may not be so close 6 months later.

I do think it's polite to reciprocate play dates. By age 8 parents aren't really involved surely? Other than arranging a time and dropping off and collecting?

By age 8 parents aren't really involved surely? Other than arranging a time and dropping off and collecting?

That pretty much is the entirety of play date arranging and facilitating, isn't it?!

I still organise my DCs' play dates at age 8 and 9, as they don't arrange them themselves (unless immediately after school, and I'm still involved), nor do they have phones to contact their friends, etc.

Well said MadameElephant

I hate the kids party malarky - so much pressure no matter what you do. Two years ago we had a small at home party - enjoyable but frankly I could've done without some of the behaviour from a couple of normally well-behaved friends. This year we did a large party. Bloody hell it was expensive. Good fun but expensive. And then the sodding minefield of who to invite - DC has friends from different places / activities so not as easily as whole class decision. Anyway, I so wish it was all a bit simpler and there wasn't all the expectations associated with it all.

OP- kids friendships change so much it is hard to have 'rules' about who to invite. Eg I know that DS didn't get invited to one boy's party which made me a bit sad as DS had spent a lot of time with him a few months ago. But I didn't say anything and we invited him to DS party and that was fine. And DS invited people he had only met a few weeks before but he liked them and wanted them there. You can't expect children to make decisions or follow rules like adults. Don't make it into a big deal. And don't make your DD keep tallies in her head about these things, friendships aren't based on keeping scores

My DD was invited to a play date after school by one of her friend’s foster parents. The foster mum asked my childminder, I don’t do the school run as a I work FT as a FE tutor. CM ran it past me, I agreed and DD went to softplay after school with her one evening. I didn’t repeat the offer, I fucking hate softplau t

That posted too soon . I hate softplay and I don’t really have time for play dates during term time tbh.

That pretty much is the entirety of play date arranging and facilitating, isn't it?!

Well it is for 8 year olds for younger kids it generally involves the kids playing/fighting over a toy and the mums chatting over coffee so naturally you're not going to invite a child whose mum you can't make conversation with!