To expect play dates and party invitations to be returned?

[Crazy3]

Hi, what do you think? Last year my DD had a birthday party for her 8th birthday and invited her friends mostly boys and one girl. Her other girl friends couldn’t make it. So, not one single boy who came to the party has invited her back to their toes this year. She is pretty astute and is undersandably insulted. The same goes for play dates, we invite kids- girls and boys but people just don’t seem to be bothered about returning the gesture. My DD is a lovely kind and well behaved child, very funny and pleasant so I know it’s not like it’s her that is the issue. Have people just forgotten their manners? Do people just not know about basic etiquette anymore or am I out of step??

This is such a strange way to be. Surely all that matters is your kid has had fun on a play date? I don’t reciprocate play dates as I’m never home!

Citadenive; no I would have been happy if the 9 boys who were invited and came to her party an had parties themselves had invited her in return to reciprocate. To return the gesture of friendship, to say I celebrated with you and I want you to celebrate with me. I don’t think this is weird. In fact I know it’s nor.

I think it's totally OTT to expect a child to get invited to the birthday party of every child they invited to theirs.

Smaller 1-1 play dates, yes it's nice if it's reciprocated, but sometimes there are genuine reasons why they're not.

You could do with being more like some of the Mums off Motherland and chilling out

. I don’t think this is weird. In fact I know it’s nor

If you already know then why bother asking?

you can’t always expect fair behaviour from other people but that you must employ it yourself

Look, I know what you’re saying but this isn’t great - you’re reinforcing the perception that they’re being “unfair” not to invite her ... and they’re not necessarily being unfair!

You are seeing perceived slights, I’m afraid. It’s your perception that they’re snubbing your DD deliberately. It’s your DD’s perception she’s being left out deliberately. It’s likely to be an unfortunate combination of factors and concentrating on having fun with her friends on different play dates etc that you host is the best idea. By 8, your DD is capable of asking any of her friends directly “when can I come and play at your house?”. Sometimes people are inconsiderate but the vast majority of the time they’re doing their best and just muddling along. Teach your DD to continue to be kind and inclusive (without talking about “fair” and “unfair”) and that’s the best you can do.

Better to get your DD to focus on things she can control - having fun, inviting her friends - than things she can’t - forcing others to do things a way you/she approve of.

I do sympathise though, it’s hard to see your DC seemingly “left out”.

School parties/play dates are absolute shit. Parents on here that say they are fine with their kids being left out are lying. No one is ok with it. It hurts, lets be honest. Nobody likes to see their children upset because they haven't been included.

I agree with you op. People are rude.

, I have explained to her that you can’t always expect fair behaviour from other people but that you must employ it yourself

If your dd is invited to 5 parties this year and for her birthday decides on an activity which only fits 5 (and her), you would make her invite the 5 kids whose parties she'd been too even if it meant leaving out 1/2/? other good friendsthat she wanted? Because that would be fair and that's what you're expecting others to do. Or would you let her choose her 5 'best' friends?

Backforgood- I think you are not realising that I am looking at this retrospectively. This has already happened I am asking is it reasonable - do most people expect that if they invite a child they will in turn be invited back. AFTER having the experience of having had kids over time and time again and continuing to do so, and AFTER having my child upset comming home 9 times over her friends not inviting her back. Because she is 8 and doesn’t know how to process being repeatedly sidelined. I am looking at responses to gauge IF other people have had similar. And if they would think it’s trange behaviour. BECAUSE it is wide spread amongst her peer group doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable. And that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of loon. I don’t expect. I am asking if it’s reasonable to expect with the suspicion that it isn’t, based on previous experience but looking into why. Also saying that it’s not how most people do it- I don’t care how most people do it if most people don’t care that they may all be managing to accidentally leave one child out then sorry but that rubbish.

I work full time and find it hard to return playdates. Sunday is family day and a day to get everything done. It's hard to squeeze everything in.

I don’t care how most people do it if most people don’t care that they may all be managing to accidentally leave one child out then sorry but that rubbish.

But each of those isn’t looking at your DD being deliberately excluded - they just chose whoever they most wanted at their birthday party that year. It sucks it happened over and over but you say yourself it’s accidental.

Don’t ascribe malice where there most likely is none. Try to get your DC to see it’s not deliberately aimed at being unfair to her.

I do play dates but not necessarily reciprocated. My Ds when he had parties . He invited who he wanted there.

He is now older and had a couple of friends do something last few years. He went to a friends house a few days ago I have no intention of inviting this friend to my house. I think he is very bad mannered but he was invited to b. Day parties.

I also drop my Ds at cub/ scouts and other clubs where he gets to socialise it doesn’t have to be at my house

Ds has been invited to more play dates than we’ve reciprocated. We are getting through them slowly but surely though.

Battling a ‘hidden’ chronic illness and working leaves me pretty knackered and I don’t always have the energy to have someone else’s dc over. It really does leave me exhausted but maybe that’s just me.

I would hate the parents whose dc I haven’t invited back yet to feel the same way you do,OP.

Perhaps I should wear a banner explaining why?

We have had a whole class party in the past though and haven’t had 30+ party invites on the back of that so does the cancel everything else out?

I agree that it is rude OP. My dc are younger than yours but kids that invited my dc to their party would automatically get an invitation to ours.

There are always freeloaders when it comes to this sort of thing but it's a big shame for your DD that they all are.

BTW these people who work full time but manage to get their dc to play dates but can't reciprocate. If they're working full time, how do they magically get their dc to the playdate?

Oh and our house is tiny so I can’t invite a house full back at any one time, even though for dc I would dearly love to be able to do!

Yes, Crazy3 I do realise that, and, if you've read my post you will see that yes, I have had friends of my dc round here, who haven't then had my dc back. I particularly quoted the one of ds's friends who used to come round here every week, and stay for tea, and whose family never had ds there, as evidence for you.
He was a nice lad. DS liked him. I was therefore happy to host him. I have no idea of the circumstances of the friend's family, but he liked coming to our house, ds liked him coming, and it was not a problem for me. I don't understand why it should be a problem for me. I want my dc to be happy, and ds was happy. Why would I worry about if someone else's 'etiquette' said there was supposed to be some sort of turn taking?

Sorry OP, you will get a lot of a "what do you expect a medal" on mn Re play dates and parties.

It's not nice and I personally don't get the whole you shouldn't expect reciprocal invites. Yes kids are fickle, but their parents should know better.

Thankfully it does tend to calm down when they hit tweens. But it does hurt in RL, been through it myself and I make more of a concerted effort with those who do reciprocate, but understand those who genuinely can't - I'll take those children anyday for a day out to give their parents a rest. And I work full time & have a tribe, but one more nice kid is no bother. One more nice kid whose parents are appreciative is seriously no bother.

And for those who bring up the shit excuse that maybe your child is the bully - I mean seriously!!! Why does mn always go that way. I was that kid, and I wasn't a bully, I was the bullied kid - that certain parents decided they didn't want at their parties in case their kids also got bullied. That was the reason one gave my mum (not asked for, I think she was just embarrassed and felt the need the say something!)

That does not make me sensitive, just aware. Focus on the relationships that work, the ones that don't take the piss. Shrink the parties and play dates - have some awesome days out etc. And try not to dwell on it, as they are not worth yours or your DCs time or effort.

This thread has me worried.
My DD starts Reception in September. It will be very difficult for us to host playdates due to mine and DH's working hours and as DD's birthday is very close to Christmas our finances are unlikely to stretch to 'whole class' parties. Hopefully other parents won't judge us too harshly.

I can see what why it would be upsetting. I try to do so but it's a balance between trying to invite back (finding dates everyone is good is tricky with appointments and shifts) and not wanting to say no to an invitation only because I know we won't be able to reply in kind soon. I don't want to tell my kid they can't go to a friend's birthday party simply because we don't do big parties. I don't think that's fair on anyone. Different families do stuff differently which some kids struggle with understanding.

I mean, at my younger daughter's last birthday party I had to repeatedly explain to one of her guests that my daughter had invited three people and he was the only one from the activity they do together that she'd invited. He asked a few times it, about how many were invited and how many more from their activity were coming, and seemed very confused about it for a bit. I know his party was a cool massive thing at an out of town place where a lot of people included my daughter was invited and that seems to be common at the school he goes to, but we do things on a much smaller scale for several reasons - preferences, financial, time, medical, and so on. It's sometimes not really about fairness, just difference.

I guess - would you prefer a child turned down her party invitation because they couldn't invite her back or for them to go to her party whether or not they could invite her back?

BTW these people who work full time but manage to get their dc to play dates but can't reciprocate. If they're working full time, how do they magically get their dc to the playdate?

GiveMeSteel surely you can use your imagination on this one?

After-school play date: Parent hosting picks up both DC from class, FT working parent gets them after tea-time from playdate house not after school club like usual. They’ve probably still paid after school childcare cost too.

Or they call in a favour of a GP to drop off, or they shuffle a work start time or end time with their DP etc. They still are t available to host a play date themselves.

And when you work FT, often your weekends are full of clubs like swimming lessons you can’t fit in in the week, and supermarket shopping, or whatever. There’s just less time overall.

If people could just be less judgemental it would help.

The exchange is not party for party. The exchange is party for gift. She’s had her gift from the boys so it’s quits.

Play dates are different. Not always taking turns but close to

Minister don't worry. IME this is only something I've come across on MN. I mean, so clearly there are people that think like this, but there are also an awful lot that don't.

I don’t think you should expect a reciprocal invite for inviting someone to a party. An invite is just that, an invite, and not an obligation, ie. ‘‘you came to my party, and therefore I have to be invited to,your party’. Some people only invite a few people to their party and friendship circles change. Therefore, billy and Bobby may be best friends in September, but by Bobby’s birthday in June, his best friend then maybe Bryan.

It’s nice to,get a reciprocal invite, but not mandatory.

I have explained to her that you can’t always expect fair behaviour from other people but that you must employ it yourself

That’s unhelpful unless you want her to feel bitter and slighted.

I don’t care how most people do it if most people don’t care that they may all be managing to accidentally leave one child out then sorry but that rubbish

As pp said they will be totally unaware she feels left out. Most parents don’t keep a tally of the parties their child has attended. There’s no obligation whatsoever to return party invites. You go to a party and take a present. That’s the reciprocal part taken care of.

Play dates are different. If she’s not getting invited back on any play dates that’s a bit odd.
The majority of posts on this thread disagree with you but you are dismissive of others’ opinions. Do you behave like that irl? Maybe parents find you hard work and that is contributing?

Minister honestly don’t worry. Enthusiastically accept, and explain it’s tricky to reciprocate play dates regularly due to working hours, but DD loves to go and warm thanks. No decent person will mind.

The thing I find odd on these types of threads is that parents don’t seem to communicate (or expect to have anything but the most cursory exchanges) when arranging things like playdates. Then wonder why the relationships don’t flourish. Weird.

No one worries who does or doesn’t have parties in Reception, again most decent people have the imagination to understand people have different preferences and circumstances.

It's simple then don't do anymore play dates if you do meet the other child and parent out somewhere. If your daughter wants a party invite a couple of close friends and take them out for the day. Your judging people by your standards and unfortunately not everyone will match up to them.