To expect play dates and party invitations to be returned?

[Crazy3]

Hi, what do you think? Last year my DD had a birthday party for her 8th birthday and invited her friends mostly boys and one girl. Her other girl friends couldn’t make it. So, not one single boy who came to the party has invited her back to their toes this year. She is pretty astute and is undersandably insulted. The same goes for play dates, we invite kids- girls and boys but people just don’t seem to be bothered about returning the gesture. My DD is a lovely kind and well behaved child, very funny and pleasant so I know it’s not like it’s her that is the issue. Have people just forgotten their manners? Do people just not know about basic etiquette anymore or am I out of step??

An entire thread full of parents is telling you that the way you consider ‘good manners’ in deciding party invites is not how anyone else does it. OP, just because you don’t approve, doesn’t make you right. Most people decide child birthday party invites on the basis of a) who the child wants that month and b) what the activity is the child wants and c) what they can afford.

Play dates are a bit different and usually reciprocal I agree. But that’s hard sometimes for other reasons.

It’s a shame for your DD, but if she values playing with her friends it’s best to accept you’ll be hosting fur the most part.

I'm with you OP.

Play dates is tricky.....what if their parents work. I always found inviting kids back really difficult when I work full time.

When I worked full time and my DCs were younger I would invite 2-3 over one Saturday afternoon to try and 'pay back'. I felt it was important to teach my kids that life is give and take and you need to share your toys if you want other kids to share theirs.

It changes as they get older. My middle child easily gets invited to 15plus parties a year so far in their two years of school but by year4/5 most people are having parties for 5-10 friends max and it’s not always invites based of best mates but those who will like the activity. No point inviting Freddie to laser force if you know his not allowed or Lucy to a swimming party if she doesn’t like/can’t swim. You also have the fact that maybe Zoe doesn’t like Lucy and won’t come if Lucy is invited but Lucy is a closer friend.

I just tell my children you can invite X amount of children to Y thing you want to do, give me their names. Sometimes my oldest gets invited to parties from people I would never of thought they where friends with but transpired they both love one certain activity.

Nosquirrels - no they’re not.

Taker 1: I hate tally chart behaviour. If your child wants a friend to play then invite them. You have absolutely no idea what other people’s lives are like, or why they don’t reciprocate.

Taker 2: See I don't get this idea that things must be equal or whatever.

Yay! Way to go! Take take take, and NEVER give.

Give and take is normal imho.

Taker 3: If it bothers you that much, don't hold parties.

Yup, that’s the way to go…

From an 8 year old’s perspective it’s not fair. I can sympathise with that, if you can’t fine. Just put yourself in her position as a kid.

So because people don't agree with your tally/tit for tat behaviour that means they have no sympathies with a child? Honestly, you sound very chippy and taking things so personally doesn't set anyone up for an easy life. Life isn't fair and that's an extremely important lesson for anyone to learn.

Play dates: I recently (about the last 4 months), decided that dd ‘needed’ a friend. So I arranged play dates at our home with her friends

Playdates and parties are like Xmas presents. I do not give to receive.

I organise when I can and if my DD gets an invite back, great, if not then no big deal. As long as they have fun when at our house that works for me. Also, some people just really struggle with playdates.

She might just be unlucky with there being boys in the class. 6 is a very common number for a birthday treat. You might find that for the sake of manners parents are allowing their DS to go noire 6 instead of 5 so as not to leave out 1 boy.

If you’re confident there’s no issues then I’d bet the all had smaller parties and then it’s just s diffetent school of thought between parents as to who should be invited - the kids the child wants of people who invited them to their parties

I sympathise with your 8 year old, OP. What are you telling her when she says “it’s not fair”?

I would be sympathising with her hurt feelings but trying to explain different circumstances and ways of doing things, and offering to host a couple more play dates. Because realistically that’s all you can do to help. Dwelling on the perceived slights is unhelpful.

As "taker 1" I was play date central. I have lots of room, a friendly dog that the kids all loved and no objection to chucking a few more handfuls of pasta in the pot. I had no caring responsibilities, no nervous animals, didn't work long hours, only two children and I love having people round. And I didn't tally chart so although my kids did get invited back, we had lots more over here-I have no idea how many.

Nosquirrels, I have explained to her that you can’t always expect fair behaviour from other people but that you must employ it yourself. I have told her not to be upset (9 times.) because of not being invited and not to feel that the person is trying to be mean they probably just are having a party and it’s for boys. I’ve also said so what if you have been to only one party- (which; bless her she was overjoyed about!)
I bring my kids up to be fair minded, believe me they do know life is not fair, they have seen this first hand with situations far more serious that kids parties.
I’m not dwelling on perceived slights, I just genuinely wanted to know what most people would reply with. We will continue having birthday parties or treats and I will carry on inviting kids to them who don’t throw parties themselves, I won’t be inviting the 9 kids who didn’t invite her back this year though. We often have play dates and I invite the same kids over and over again that don’t invite back, and if I give that up it’s a bit sad for her because she looses a chance to play with that child, which is important. But is it rubbish when it’s your kid who happens to be the one who misses out like that. It probably is just gender based and that’s crap. And there is definitely a part of me that thinks- well if you want a boys only party why are you sending your boy to a girls party. And what’s a boy only party anyway? We have boys also and they have good girlfriends.

From the perspective of an 8yo, not going to any parties is a bit shit really.

OP just say that while she invited lots, many don't, and it's a shame the 2 best friends don't have parties because if they had obviously she would have been invited to those, and how about inviting them round for a play to make up for it.

I would probably have a rant about how silly it is too separate children this age based on sex but that's just me!

Xposts

Sorry, posted too soon...

3 play dates arranged over the 4 month period. 1 went terribly, the child just followed me around all afternoon so I decided we will not be repeating. The other two went wonderfully. The play dates gave me the opportunity to get on with some bits and kept my dd out from under my feet for a few hours. Luckily the play dates were reciprocated and my dd has been to theirs, if she hadn’t been invited to theirs I would still have carried on offering play dates as my dd likes the girls and it’s doing me a favour by having the here. On the other hand, what if I didn’t like the other girls’ families or homes? I wouldn’t be sending her but would still invite them over here.

Parties: my 11 yo dd has only been invited to a couple of her classmates parties and my 6yo dd to none. They have a party every year. Some of the parties have been a small tea party type thing with only a couple of friends and, like this year, my 6yo had 40 children invited (15 class mates and the rest were from dance class, scouts and some family). We are very lucky that her birthday falls in July and we have a large outdoor space to accommodate that number of kids.

She did want to invite some kids from her class that I don’t like the parents so said no.

OP, have you had any of the boys over for play dates outside of the party? If I thought my child had a friendship with a child, (one to one play dates type of thing) and then that child had a party and my dd wasn’t invited, I definitely would be upset for my dd.

I get what you're saying OP. I would find this a bit rude too (barring genuine reasons why someone can't reciprocate a play date of course) but I would expect it tbh.
It's not so much about the invites and reciprocation etc but more that your daughter feels left out.
I'm afraid the reality is children are fickle and change friends frequently. You can't change this or some of the other parents behaviour so you need to find a way to manage it with your daughter.
I think the more you make a big deal out of it, the more upset she'll be.

Blimey.

If the child wants a friend over, we invite the friend over.
If the child wants the friend to come for a sleep over, we invite the child for sleep over.
Birthday, child gets to choose the Activity & the friends.

I don’t care if we have the same or different friends coming, I don’t care how often they come and I don’t care about the parents reciprocating. All I care about is doing what the child wants and making sure the visiting child has a nice time.

I would HATE any of their friends parents to turn down an invitation to come over because they couldn’t, or didn’t want, to reciprocate. So any of you unwilling or unable to reciprocate, PLEASE don’t assume that it’s a problem. If your child gets an invitation and wants to go, then let them. The Tally Keeping parents will soon disappoint their own children by not letting them invite yours, no need to disappoint the kids sooner!

So you’d have been happier if all the boys turned down the invitation to her last party?? Only having 1 child accept her party invitation would surely be more hurtful for her than the invitations not being returned?

well if you want a boys only party why are you sending your boy to a girls party

That makes no sense. just because they do something specific for their birthday doesn’t mean they think your DD should do the same. They’re coming to your DD’s party because she invited them. It’s got nothing to do with their party.

That’s not how it works

When dd party time comes around I ask her for 10 names from school sometimes people are away when she’s asked or they have had a falling out she invited one boy last year because she thought he looked awsome on world book day

She is five children are fickle what do you want

My child invites whole class or a less than 10, it's her friends. She is invited to parties by children having whole class parties and goes along but doesn't invite back if having a smaller party.

I let DD choose party guests. You have been very unlucky not to get any invites back, but possibly the boys don't see her as a close friend in the same way she does.

Playdates are always reciprocated but doesn't have to be equal. It is easier for me to have dds best friend as there is a park very near by and friend entertains DD. Friend has 2 young sibling so more awkward for them to have her (they do, but not as often).

If your dd is having these boys over for play dates and parties and they are having parties and not inviting her then, yes, YANBU.

Sorry op

YABU.
I agree with whoever it was who said they find this 'keeping a tally' very odd. Really strange behaviour. I've not come across in in my RL. I've had 3 dc and have been in situations where my dd has been invited a lot by one particular girl we've not been able to reciprocate; where I've had dc round here for tea on a weekly basis for a year or so when that dc's family never invited my ds to them; where my dc have been invited to parties then not invited those children to their birthday celebrations; and where my dc have invited people and then never been invited to that child's party.

It really doesn't work like that.
If I have a party, I invite who I want to invite to that party - regardless of who has asked me to any of their 'occasions' over the last year or two. I always offered the same privilege to my dc. It is up to them to choose who comes to their parties.
As was said upthread :
An entire thread full of parents is telling you that the way you consider ‘good manners’ in deciding party invites is not how anyone else does it. OP, just because you don’t approve, doesn’t make you right. Most people decide child birthday party invites on the basis of a) who the child wants that month and b) what the activity is the child wants and c) what they can afford.

If any of my dc(when they were younger) wanted someone round to play, then we'd contact the family and invite them, not interview them to see if they were in a position to invite back.... not check a tally chart to see if they had previously invited my dc..... not make a note of what day we invited them, to be able to tick off when they invited my child back, before being moved to the blacklist. You, IMVHO, have a very strange way of doing friendships if that is the way you live.

I see your point OP but I wouldn't punish the child if you feel the parent is being rude. Play dates at that age are very much parent controlled. I happily have whomever over but don't expect any back. I am just glad my kids were happy