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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secretly filmed by DH - Ok to want space?

459 replies

papercoversrock · 12/08/2018 04:05

Ok. Briefly as I can.

Week-long family event (DH's family) a good drive and ferry journey away. So DH, DS and myself travelled down and made a holiday out of it.

5 days into a 12-day-long stay, I discover that my DH filmed us having sex on his cameraphone the night before. It's around 3am and he's fast asleep. I did not know about or consent to the video. I feel shocked and embarrassed and hurt and furious. First time anything like this has happened to my knowledge.

In the morning, I confront DH about it. He leaves the room without a word, then comes back 5 mins later and apologises. He finds apologising hard, so I am touched by his apology, even though he does it in the manner of a 12-year-old being forced by the teacher to say sorry. Then we very quickly have to get ready to go to a family thing.
We then have 7 more days of enforced DH family fun, which I completely go along with, in order not to embarrass my husband or myself, or spoil things for DS. But DH is aware I want to take some distance for a while once we get home.

However, once home, I suggest a week apart from each other and DH's claws come out...

“A whole week? A week??!” “That's not right.” “What am I meant to do for a week?” “Well you can go but you're not taking DS.” And so on.

Am I being unreasonable? Does DH have a point here? I feel like he's lucky I went along to all the family things in the first place and should just say “thank you" and "take all the time you need."

Instead he gives the impression I'm the one being horrible and he's just putting up with my crazy shit.

I just want a week to clear my head.

All thoughts welcome. I know this is AIBU so am prepared to be set straight :)

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 14/08/2018 05:19

If I were in your shoes, I think the situation would affect my sex life. I'd be self-conscious and untrusting, and unable to relax. Every time he tried to initiate sex, I'd be thinking of the video. I'm not sure I'd be able to get past that enough for the relationship to carry on.

NewUserNameTime · 14/08/2018 05:24

Please keep focusing that you did nothing wrong. You did not consent to this!

You do Niue need to go go family events. Let him deal.

Personally I would never trust him again

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2018 05:54

Your son is not going to grow up seeing a good relationship with your husband around. He's going to grow up infected by your husband's attitudes towards women and adopt them himself.

DoinItForTheKids · 14/08/2018 06:02

It does sound like you're working very hard OP but your DH isn't. Not even now when you've made it clear he's utterly fucked up - it's STILL about him. His feeling lonely in an empty house, his need to talk....

That's his default setting me thinks. I personally from experience would say that going to counselling isn't always the answer (although I totally understand posters saying that it might be a good idea). Because if you have a particular entrenched personality or character disorder in a person it's the same as if they were an abuser and you cannot change them through counselling. I spent years trying to fix my marriage with my husband (or effort coming from me including us going to relate) and ultimately after we divorced that's when I really began to realise just how not right he was and subsequently ten years after divorcing I now understand that he is completely unchangeable and all that I did was a waste of time - and it amounted to years and years of effort for no return. just be aware of that possibility when you consider what you think you want to do. I know it's really really difficult but the easiest thing would be you stay where you are he moves out he maintains frequent contact with your son.

your husband should be absolutely mortified beside himself falling over to do exactly what you want apologising endlessly and he isn't doing that. On that basis it doesn't bode well.

Gabilan · 14/08/2018 07:43

We've just bought a fancy potty […] The majority of the time, DH and I rub along OK together

I won't lie, there have been times in the past when I felt he mistreated me. But I thought things were on the up now and we could be a good family and show our son what a good relationship looks like

OP you are doing so much work here. So much. I know relationships aren't always hearts and flowers, but really you deserve so much more than this. For the love of god woman, the thing that symbolises your relationship is a fancy potty. You're doing all the work and coping with all the shit, no matter how fancy it is.

Honestly, this makes me glad to be single. Husbands should not just be generally OK and quite nice. You shouldn't have to work so hard at the relationship and hope they don't mistreat you. You should have a partner in life who you trust, who shares with you, who respects you. And no, it won't always be plain sailing. But really, it should be so much more than this.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 14/08/2018 08:05

Hey op. Glad you have some space (although not surprised to see your dh encroaching on it and disrespecting your decision to have some)

I think you’re a much stronger person than you realise. You’ve been holding up this ‘front’ for your ds for years.

Your post makes me sad because it feels like you just want to stick your head in the sand and pretend you can forget all about this blip and move on. But your later posts reveal this is more than a blip. Even the way he refuses to give you space - a pretty simple request.

I’m not sure I can offer any Constructive advice. I just wanted to say it really shouldn’t be this hard to work at a relationship. Everyone should feel loved and secure in their relationship. It’s not a one way street. You sound almost grateful for the small infrequent effort he makes.

TeddybearBaby · 14/08/2018 08:37

Morning Paper,

I hope you’re not feeling too shattered today. I think what would be good for you would be to look at you.....

What does a ‘great relationship’ look like? My parents had an amazing relationship but they still argued.

Asking yourself ‘why’ is helpful to finding out the emotion behind your feelings. I remember doing this and at the end I said ‘I don’t feel good enough’. So it’d be like ‘I hate confrontation ‘why’ it makes me uncomfortable ‘why’ I don’t like sticking up for myself ‘why’........ until you get to the ‘real’ why.

I think perhaps you’ve let go or avoided a lot of situations but you’re finding that you can’t with this and you’re HAVING to face it. I think you’re doing really well by the way.

Writing things down can be helpful, just whatever pours out of your head. You could even write your husband a letter / email about how you feel if you find it hard to speak the words.

Safeandwarm · 14/08/2018 08:41

Just wanted to say your son isn’t necessarily doomed to end up as unthinking/selfish as his father. Sometimes kids evaluate their parents relationship and decide to do something different.

But this betrayal of trust is just so great, I’m not sure if I could get over it, though I do understand why you want to try, you can’t save your relationship all on your own and it seems like you’re husband isn’t meeting you anywhere near the middle.

YouTheCat · 14/08/2018 08:50

He's making this all about him instead of doing his utmost to make amends.

All this 'the house is quiet' and 'I'm lonely' - all about him and his feelings. He seems to have little regard for OP's feelings at all.

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2018 09:06

I would go to counselling on your own. The message you want to give your son is not that wives and mothers will give their all to compensate for dads. Your son should see that Mum and dad love him, that Mum deserves and demands respect, that Mum and dad respect, care for and support each other. The only thing you’re guilty of is wanting a good marriage, and it doesn’t quite sound like you have that from your updates. A counsellor could help you define what you would need to see changing.

If you have to reply to your dhs self centred whines just say ‘yes it’s not great you’ve put us into this position. I hope you’re doing a lot of thinking about what you bring to this relationship. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t respect or value me.

ltk · 14/08/2018 09:16

I hope you are feeling well today OP. I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

There is no normal to go back to, of course, although I completely understand what you mean. His texts and calls about family plans are just that, by the way, an attempt to lull you back in to the routine of normality and the busy everyday.

But this video and his lack of remorse or even ability to understand kinda shatters the illusion. I think you are dping exactly the right thing: get out of the routine and get some perspective. You are going to need longer than a week. Can you arrange for a month? He should move out, though.

thebewilderness · 15/08/2018 21:17

The more you examine the "normal" that you worked so hard to achieve with this man the less healthy it will reveal itself to be.
I am so sorry. You know that you will never trust him again and that that is no way to live. Make an escape plan. You know you are going to need it.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 16/08/2018 04:05

Just want to say thank you.

I'll take time at some point to say something proper and reply to individuals, but for now, just thank you.

It's a sobering moment when, on a forum that is renowned for a vast array of opposing viewpoints, literally everyone joins forces and says "Yeah, you're not wrong about this. You're probably being a bit soft."

It's like all the pieces of a scr

OP posts:
Original poster
papercoversrock · 16/08/2018 04:20

Bloody touchscreen! I meant to say: It's like all the pieces of a scrambled jigsaw were all floating past. And some of the pieces said "Leave the pervert" and some of them said "Maybe you can work this out." Some said "You're not thinking straight" while others said "Only you know what's best." But all the pieces arranged themselves in front of me to say "This is not ok, in anybody's eyes. Stick up for yourself."

OP posts:
Original poster
papercoversrock · 16/08/2018 05:04

DH persisted with his calling and messaging about everyday shite until I messaged back, emboldened by this thread, to say, in a very long reply: "This is what it feels like to discover you've been filmed during sex... And this is what it feels like when the perpetrator is your husband... And this is what I think of your behaviour ever since... Please don't call me at all and please don't message me unless it's to say sorry."
I got my sorry.

But, even though it's a big sorry, expressed in the kind of terms I've never heard before from him, it feels hollow.

It's all "I can't function without you" but then later on when I was arranging for him to have some time with DS: "Bring DS later on at teatime so I've got time in the day to do the garden."

It's "You not being here leaves a hole in life" combined with "Best if you pick DS up early before the football."

It's "I do respect your need for space" but at the same time "It will be easier for me to give you your space when I go back to work and am occupied."

All of this was part of his "apology" message.

I

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 16/08/2018 05:18

Ahh I'm sorry op. He doesn't get it does he? You being upset is just an inconvenience to him so he'll say sorry but that's it. This is almost as bad as the original behaviour- how can you ever trust him again?

I don't know where you go from here. I'm sorry.

Original poster
papercoversrock · 16/08/2018 05:22

Thanks. Yeah, it's empty isn't it?

OP posts:
tillytown · 16/08/2018 05:53

Is he even taking this seriously? I know you love him and all that crap, but he is awful. Read back your own messages, he is a total shit.

Maelstrop · 16/08/2018 07:19

He’s very me, me, me, isn’t he? It isn’t convenient to have ds when there’s football? I wonder if he will have a re-think and start enjoying the single life?

ohfourfoxache · 16/08/2018 07:29

Oh fucking hell Sad

So on top of the whole “me me me”, he only apologised when you told him to? (I’m purposely not going to say anything about his other behaviour as my BP can’t take it!)

Fang2468 · 16/08/2018 07:34

Before you can even think about moving on you are owed a full and proper heartfelt apology which evidences he understands the major breach of trust and underhand, devious behaviour he has demonstrated.
Now I’ve written that down I don’t know if an apology is even enough, it’s such a massive breach of trust I don’t think I could get over it.
Tell him to stop pestering you on the phone with shite everyday conversation, you are trying to get your head around this. Also it doesn’t matter if you’ve previously agreed to go on family social things, you are perfectly entitled to back out given the changes in your relation, which he has caused. He can do the explaining about why you aren’t there, that’s his awkward conversation to have.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 16/08/2018 07:34

If you cross out all sentences that are about him/his convenience - what have you got left?

KataraJean · 16/08/2018 07:36

Calling you all the time was harassment.

When he sees DS is all about his needs, not what is in DS’s best interests. (I would love a child free day to work in the garden!)

The stuff about not being able to function without you is manipulative - it is supposed to make you feel guilty for leaving and sorry for him (poor lambHmm)

All about him.

I do understand why you said upthread you would not go to the police, but it may be a good idea to speak to a lawyer about where you stand if you were to end your marriage.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/08/2018 07:39

He’s a selfish horrible git. I hope you find the strength to be rid of him.

TeddybearBaby · 16/08/2018 07:56

I think I’d tell him you’re not at interested in his needs / wants / feelings AT ALL. Don’t care what makes his life better or easier. The whole reason he’s in this ‘mess’ is because of his actions.

Tell Him you’re not responding unless it’s about childcare arrangements. Make it clear his feelings are irrelevant and you don’t want to hear about it. You sound powerful to be honest and coming to your own conclusions which I love!