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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 11/08/2018 23:01

They manage it by outsourcing childcare to family or paid professionals. If neither is available..it's impossible

absolute fucking bullshit. The mummy martyrs are out in force here

Of course it's not bullshit. If a mother is looking after her dc and she has no other person available (paid or otherwise) to look after the dc, then she cannot leave them alone. That's nothing to do with being a martyr...it's everything to do with having no options.

Scarletrose28 · 11/08/2018 23:01

Llama - it’s good that your husband will look after the children soon. But I’m sorry you term it “babysitting”. How can a father babysit his own children? He is a parent too - working full time should not change this. He is missing out if he is not spending regular one on one time with his kids by himself.

Broussard · 11/08/2018 23:03

then you should have said so. You didn't, you stated it as if it was an objective truth.

Broussard · 11/08/2018 23:05

Of course it's not bullshit. If a mother is looking after her dc and she has no other person available (paid or otherwise) to look after the dc, then she cannot leave them alone. That's nothing to do with being a martyr...it's everything to do with having no options

The point called bullshit was not about leaving them alone. It said that you can have nothing in your life other than DC. Which is absolutel bollocks and you know it,
Do work out what you are arguing against before repeatedly getting it wrong!

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 23:10

It said that you can have nothing in your life other than DC

That's entirely possibly for lots of women.

NoMudNoLotus · 11/08/2018 23:10

You sound awful OP. Honestly awful.

Sorry10 · 11/08/2018 23:10

I kind of Agree I love my 2 kids but having children is not the be all
I have a daughter who is gay so thinking may never be a grandma and a son who is autistic so will never be a grandma. Children are amazing but so is so many other things in life .

Runningshorts · 11/08/2018 23:11

OP, I feel like this often. I deal with everything on my own, no breaks except to go to work.
I think people with family support have such a different experience of parenthood to me. All it takes is a couple of nights of broken sleep and I'm on my knees. It's relentless. It's lonely. I hope things will improve as they get older and more independent.
If my daughter ever has children, I will be there for her as much or as little as she wants.

Fevs · 11/08/2018 23:11

Sorry if I’ve missed this answer here but if you feel this way then why did you go on to have a second child @WaitingForSunday17 ?

I agree at times it can be shit and tiring and very fucking hard work but for you to not think of one single positive thing that having a child brings makes me think you may have depression of some sorts.
Yes everyone’s experiences are different and everyone takes to motherhood in different ways but I would suggest you speak to a professional and see what they think. Certainly before talking to your children.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 23:11

Especially if they are constrained by finances as well as childcare...or disabled children or children with profound sn. It's surely not beyond your imagination is it?

AliceGoot · 11/08/2018 23:23

I'll answer the 2nd child question... (though obviously this is only my opinion and not an objective truth, I need to state that apparently as otherwise it isn't obvious, according to Broussard Hmm)......

At the time I conceived the 2nd child I still believed the 'it gets better' 'the days are long but the years are short' 'this too shall pass' 'it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do' (and to be honest, the fact they play together and don't expect to be with the adults at all times like my friends' onlys is a positive overall).

RedPandaMama · 11/08/2018 23:31

YABVU.

Very sad that you feel this way. These are the kind of things my mum used to say to me. Made me hate to be around her.

Having a daughter has changed my life for the better in a million ways. It's hard work being a parent and sometimes I yearn for moments of peace from the cooking, cleaning, feeding, putting to bed etc, but it's nine billion percent the best thing I've ever done.

pintsizedblondie · 11/08/2018 23:45

I wouldn't say to her do that have kids but I wouldn't pressure her. My mum never pressured me to give her grandkids and at 32, I'm child free by choice and very happy. Kids are just not for some people but let her make her own mind up.

bigKiteFlying · 11/08/2018 23:47

If a mother is looking after her dc and she has no other person available (paid or otherwise) to look after the dc, then she cannot leave them alone. That's nothing to do with being a martyr...it's everything to do with having no options.

Been there - moved to area due to work where everyone else had family, paid one off childcare didn't seem to cover the area and good childcare for work was hard to find and expensive - ended up for few years with DH working away on top.

School's were okay about it mostly, dentist fine - HCP like MW and GP were fucking awful refused to belive me and made entire situation even more stressful and in some cases impossible.

Most other things I couldn't do with kids I found I didn't mind missing - or we wouldn't have had money for anyway. Could see this being different for others though and was lucky kids behaved when needed and I enjoyed bing a mum so much.

Katedotness1963 · 12/08/2018 00:07

My mother often told us what a mistake she made getting married and having kids. It ruined her life apparently. That's a hell of a burden to give a child, you ruined my life.

I have loved being a mum, my kids are a joy to me and I do believe having them has improved my life. Your daughters experience might not be the same as yours.

MorrisZapp · 12/08/2018 00:13

My mums a raging feminist and I grew up with the whole don't get married thing. Mum loves us dearly but she was also honest about the sacrifices parents make.

I never once took that to mean she regretted our existence. She's an opinionated, articulate person so she's going to say how she feels.

I adore my kid but it hasn't made me a better person, more fulfilled or anything like that. It's just a part of who I am, not the definition of it.

Stirner · 12/08/2018 00:22

You sounds like a nasty piece of work op

bananafish81 · 12/08/2018 00:37

Personally I just cannot think of one situation improved by having children.

Involuntary childlessness.

My husband and I can't have the children we desperately wanted

Certainly the £50k of IVF would have been somewhat more worth it if it had ended in having a baby

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2018 01:56

speak for yourself. Your depressing picture is not accurate for everyone

I have a great, supportive, cleaning, earning, hot DH. I look at my friends and some have H that earn, some that are supportive, some that clean (rarely) and very few hot. I'm being facetious but I know more than one woman whose H subtly implies that he needs to work out but oops, there's some reason she can't.

I run with a mixed group. The women (except me - go DH!) have had calls from the H while running. NONE of the men ever have a call from the W. Not one once. In three years. Why can't men manage the home while women meet their needs? No wonder marriage is good physically for men and bad for women.

OrgyOfBarminess · 12/08/2018 02:24

Wow 😮 what a way to make your dd feel like she needs to question her own existence.

I mean seriously fair enough it hard raising children sometimes but to say to your own child don't bother having kids because it'll
ruin your life is cruel.

My mum did this and we no longer see her, my sister two dcs as well. She told me to get dogs and have my DS aborted because she thought I wouldn't be able to cope. Not to blow my own trumpet but I'm a bloody awesome mum no thanks to her in fact she has had no influence on my life since I was 11 anyways and threw my sister out at 16.

She apparently likes to brag about her NC grandchildren and how amazing they are to anyone who will listen 😳

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 12/08/2018 02:34

Don't do that, OP. Whatever your experience and feelings about it, hers could very well be different. Your life choices were yours and you and you alone have to own them? All you'd be doing by saying anything negative about becoming a mother is planting the suspicion - whether true or not - that she and her brother, at best, thwarted your ambitions, hopes, dreams and, at worst, ruined your life.

thebewilderness · 12/08/2018 02:46

I am so sorry.
I made the same mistake. I should never have had children for their sake as well as mine.

Thursdaydreaming · 12/08/2018 03:14

OP YANBU to be having a shit time, I'm sorry about that.

I think the least of your worries is whether you should advise your dd about having kids - in the nicest possible way, why would she care about your opinion? I have a very close relationship with my dm yet I've never asked her if I should or shouldn't have kids. Nor has she ever offered her opinion. How could she know what's best? She's not me, and it's such a personal decision.

If it comes up in discussion, you could talk about how it's hard, and the importance of carefully choosing when and if to have kids. But I doubt she'll be looking for you to go Judge Judy and rule on what she should do.

You can look after your kids as best you can but you can't take the responsibility of their every choice.

Also why on earth did you have a second dc if you hate it so much. I think this also shows why it would be so pointless so tell your dd what to do. You told yourself and even you didn't listen!

underneaththeash · 12/08/2018 05:29

That would be exceptionally bad advice OP. Good advice would bw sure that she had found the right partner to have children with and to make sure that it was the right time in her life to have children.

Happypuppy · 12/08/2018 06:16

I’m glad I stayed childfree as the anecdotes about how “rewarding”kids are in this thread just sound so damn boring and annoying. So no doubt if I had had them I’d feel just like the OP.