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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:41

@Scarletrose28 that relies on you not breastfeeding, having a partner who has time to babysit, having spare disposable income (tricky when you don’t work) and someone else to go with (as your partner can’t go if he’s babysitting).

DiegoMadonna · 11/08/2018 22:42

Could someone please explain the wonderful heart-warming moments and what they're supposed to do to me? Or the 'rewarding' thing? What is that?

If you've never experienced it then I don't imagine anyone is going to be able to make you understand just through text.

But listen, there is no giant conspiracy to make people like you or the OP have children. Most people genuinely enjoy it, that's why conversations on the topic are usually positive. It's not because people are covering up some dark truth.

It's sad that some people don't enjoy parenthood, but they're definitely in the minority, and I hope they receive the help they need because it must be really hard.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 22:43

What choices will she have to give up if she has kids?

Seriously...sorry, but only someone without children could ask such a ridiculous question.

Hopskipjumping · 11/08/2018 22:43

Children can be hard, boring, soul destroying at times, relentless.

But I genuinely feel I'll die a happy woman now that I have had my two children and experienced motherhood. They are absolutely amazing too.

Scarletrose28 · 11/08/2018 22:44

Llama - sounds like you need a break. Why not ask your husband to look after the kids for a day on weekend while you nap or go out and do your own thing? He works full time but he should surely still want to parent his children in his free time. It will benefit him too as will give him a chance to build a relationship with them.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 11/08/2018 22:44

I know what you mean OP. I try to raise my son to be respectful and contribute to the housework but part of me knows that if he has kids he won’t have to give up as much or take on as much mental load.

TBH though your DD will likely want children one day and the best you can do is teach her how to navigate it as best she can with the resources that she has.

MarklesMerkin · 11/08/2018 22:44

everyone should enjoy having children. ... why? and if they don't then they must see a GP because something MUST be psychologically wrong with them?

SerenDippitty · 11/08/2018 22:45

I am gobsmacked by some of the responses on this thread.

Some people do not enjoy being parents. Does not mean there is anything wrong with them or they need medical help. Just that they made the wrong choice. It happens, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.

DiegoMadonna · 11/08/2018 22:45

LOL at the comments about being able to take your kids with you to places.... well yes, indeed you can take them to restaurants, festivals, days out exploring sites of interest..... but those events become all about placating the children and not about you enjoying the place/outing/occasion. In fact it's usually more enjoyable to just stay at home than put up with moaning/bickering/complaining/constant requests for food/something else/something different

I think this is largely dependent on the personality of the parent. I'm very laid back and never found it particularly stressful taking my kids to places. Of course you have to feed them etc. so the experience is different, but it never made me think "this is worse".

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2018 22:46

AliceGoot Flowers

VladmirsPoutine · 11/08/2018 22:46

But it ought to be said that those living a child-free life aren't all living the life of Riley. They aren't taking off on a first-class ticket to Barbados for the rest of August to sip cocktails under the sun with luggage worthy of a small house deposit.

NotTellingAnyoneYet · 11/08/2018 22:47

But it would be alright for your Son to get a Woman pregnant? Wont her life be hard and shit and whatever else you have said? Hmm

Babdoc · 11/08/2018 22:48

My kids are the best things in my life. They certainly didn’t ruin it!
And that’s despite the fact that I was widowed when they were babies, and worked full time as a hospital doctor, while raising them alone for their whole childhoods, with no relatives within 250 miles and no support.
They were lovely company, great fun, a joy to teach as they were very bright, and they are now much loved adults whom I enjoy visiting and spending time with. Yes it was exhausting when they were little and I was grieving, but they gave me a reason to keep living. I can’t imagine how desolate my life as a widow would have been without them.
Children are a blessing, not a curse.

RedDwarves · 11/08/2018 22:48

The virtue of being born in this era is that she will almost certainly know that there are options other than having children. You don't have to piss all over her parade to let her know that. She will not grow up in a time where it is the norm to get married young, have children, forgo her career and stay at home, and she will not grow up in a time where anyone who deviates from the married with children path will be seen as "abnormal".

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2018 22:49

To all of those who are saying you can go to nightclubs, gym, cinema..or whatever...if you have a partner/husband at home and NO children do not have to impact on your selfish pastimes.

What if you don't have a partner at home?

What if you don't have family to help you out?

How would you cope?

Welcome to the world of women who parent 24/7 WITHOUT the help of a partner/family

I should change my name to "LongsForGym"

Scarletrose28 · 11/08/2018 22:50

Llama - if your child is older than a year then you should be able to leave them in
another’s care for a day without it affecting your supply and the child can drink ordinary milk until you return. Your partner should surely be able to look after his own children when he is not working. That’s what working mother’s do! If you have no friends then it’s time to meet some.

Allthatsnot · 11/08/2018 22:51

I think everyone should be encouraged to do everything they want and as much as possible before they have children. I am or was rather selfish and I may have had some resentment if I hadn't have lived my life to the fullest pre children.
Now I'm a single parent and with the exception of when I'm at work I haven't been out or participated in a non child related activity for at least 4 years and I don't feel like I miss out on anything.
I think its sad you do not think your children enhance any part of your life OP, parenting is difficulty and has its ups and downs but shouldn't feel like a life sentence, maybe you shpuld speak to someone OP to try and get a better balance.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 22:52

I also think even if you do have a partner, looking after children can be so exhausting that by the time your partners home and able to take over, you're so exhausted you can't go out anyway!

LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:53

@Scarletrose28 I’m sure DH will babysit for an afternoon at the weekend when I stop breastfeeding. It won’t fix my hideously misshapen and scarred body, nor will it give me back the freedom to have a job and hobbies. Given the chance to go back in time I’d choose to remain child free.

AliceGoot · 11/08/2018 22:53

And the 'getting a break' stuff is so bittersweet. Because you get to remember the old you, the carefree happy excited-at-life you and then you have to go home and be harassed for the next x days/ weeks/ months until you can escape again. It just makes me mourn my decisions even more.

LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:54

@formerbabe Exactly. If I do have any free time I just collapse into bed!

Broussard · 11/08/2018 22:54

but those events become all about placating the children and not about you enjoying the place/outing/occasion. In fact it's usually more enjoyable to just stay at home than put up with moaning/bickering/complaining/constant requests for food/something else/something different

speak for yourself. Your depressing picture is not accurate for everyone

They manage it by outsourcing childcare to family or paid professionals. If neither is available..it's impossible

absolute fucking bullshit. The mummy martyrs are out in force here.

I can't be doing with the precious moments, everything is awesome with kids numpties, but just as bad are the everything is terrible, you can't have any life outside of your children, its all awful gimps.

Scarletrose28 · 11/08/2018 22:57

Formidable c - the OP is not a single parent with no family support. She’s a married woman. She has a partner and he can and should give her a break at least for a few hours every weekend. There’s really no excuse for him not to do this. He cannot be working 24/7. Even if the OP doesn’t have much spare money, she could use the time to go for a walk, visit a friend, read a book or just sleep. She sounds exhausted and I think this is the root cause of her feelings about children.

AliceGoot · 11/08/2018 23:00

speak for yourself. Your depressing picture is not accurate for everyone Hmm

Errrr...... well, yes. I was giving my opinion and my experience Confused

DN4GeekinDerby · 11/08/2018 23:01

I think on one hand others are right that saying 'don't have kids, it's soul destroying' or anything similar is likely unhelpful and more harm than good. I was raised from an early age knowing my mother felt this way and it was a total mind fuck and one of the many reasons we stopped talking when I repeatedly tried to reconcile as adults is how much she kept talking about it and warning me about having kids/more kids every time we talked.

On the other hand, I think as and when it comes up, you can be realistic. My older daughter has a lot of dreams and of her own accord has discussed with me how she doesn't think pregnancy is for her and discussed her ideas on kids. We've openly discussed that pregnancy is very hard and how I feel it is something much like anything else that some choose it and some don't, that not everyone wants kids and some really do, and how realistic her ideas are sometimes. For example, she said maybe I or her father could watch her kids while she works (at that time she was plotting to adopt in the future with her best friend and possibly childcare issues if she goes to work on the international space station, some of that dream I didn't touch practically) and I discussed in general for childcare she would need to live close to us and we would need to be in good health and it would depend on what work we would both are doing at that time, and so on. I've discussed before with them how much happier I am now that I have someone I can trust to watch them so I and their father can go out together in the evening which we didn't have for the first several years and how grateful I am that their father was a SAHP for many years and how often he still cares for them while I go do things now that the roles have mostly reversed.

I think as it comes up you can be realistic and practical without either the doom and gloom or the sugar coating.