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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the best advice I can give my daughter is don’t have any children?

362 replies

WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 19:48

Because it is completely soul destroying and the negatives massively outweigh any positives?
I have a son too. I don’t think it’s so bad for men. I wouldn’t be so sad for him if he ended up having children. But I think for women it ruins your life and the happiest people I know - and I think some study confirmed this - are those that are child free by choice? Completely different if you want them and can’t have them I realise.

OP posts:
BlueOnePinkOne · 11/08/2018 22:01

There were some lovely times with my DS. But there were lots of demands, I was an unsupported lone parent and the stress of it all wrecked my health.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2018 22:05

@daughterofanarchy Thank you for your kind words..I don't think of it as odd anymore, it's just how it IS if that makes sense. So when I see messages like yours, I think to myself that I have coped very well with what I have been dealt. I really do appreciate that others see it as not normal though, as my ex-h thinks I am selfish and entitled and should just suck it up! So thank you Flowers

ChristmasArmadillo · 11/08/2018 22:06

I can’t deny that they make many things more difficult (I have several small ones and minimal help) but worse? No, never. I can’t imagine how I ever thought anything was fun without them, it’s like getting to relive my own childhood. I’m so sorry your experience hasn’t been good, OP. Hoping it’s a passing time.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/08/2018 22:07

@SchadenfreudePersonified Thank you, that's very kind Star

Broussard · 11/08/2018 22:07

I love my DC but unless you’ve got the money for childcare (or family to babysit) then you basically can’t have anything else in your life except DC

Complete and utter bollocks.

Original poster
WaitingForSunday17 · 11/08/2018 22:08

My son has SN and my daughter has a long term health condition. Certainly these things make life much harder.

OP posts:
Neverender · 11/08/2018 22:09

I'd be much more likely to say don't have them until you're ready. I was 35 when I had DD - I don't resent her at all.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 22:10

Broussard

No, it's not rubbish. It's completely true. Children cannot be left alone so if you have no family to look after them and can't afford childcare, then you can never be apart from them. How can this not be correct? Confused

Broussard · 11/08/2018 22:13

Its not completely true though, is it? You can bring them places with you, or one parent stays with them while the other one does things,thereby having lots more than them in your life.
Its patently bollocks that you can't have anything in your life other than DC. Most parents manage precisely that, I don't know anyone that doesn't.

corythatwas · 11/08/2018 22:15

formerbabe, lots of people get together and form baby sitting circles so they can take it in turns to go out

if you have a partner, you can at least go out on your own without having to involve other people

my family all live abroad and dh's family were old and infirm and also lived at a distance: I was still able to go to events in the evenings simply by using either dh or friends

it did involve the work of setting up a friendship circle, which wasn't so easy as I'd arrived as an immigrant not knowing anyone, but I asked around, and at one time started up my own mums group with the support of the NCT

basically, it was about planning ahead and making sure you had favours to call in when needed

Whatsthisbear · 11/08/2018 22:20

Personally I just cannot think of one situation improved by having children....They make everything harder. Everything is a little bit worse. I don’t see how that cannot be true to be honest.

If you do not feel that your life is enriched by your children then I really think you need to speak to your doctor- this is coming from someone with a child who only slept for 3 hrs a night until age 6 due to ASD-among other things. Yes kids are exhausting & hard work but if you feel there is no pleasure in being a parent then You really need to speak to a gp and tell them, that is not the feelings of most parents -not judging! - so it may be you are suffering with depression.
Please talk to a health visitor, GP or practice nurse. I know being a parent isn’t for everyone but, as you are already a parent and are thinking it isn’t rewarding in anyway, that you really need to speak to your DR.

AliceGoot · 11/08/2018 22:22

I agree with you OP.

And I have a career and a DH who earns enough for us to be able to afford a p/t housekeeper and several fabulous holidays a year.... to address the assumptions others have made so far.

I really don't understand what's so wonderful about being constantly demanded and put upon. Everything becomes an exhausting effort if you have kids with you (that "little bit worse" thing was spot on OP).

Could someone please explain the wonderful heart-warming moments and what they're supposed to do to me? Or the 'rewarding' thing? What is that? I'm approaching year 10 of being a mum and it's just fucking endless hard work. I'm dreading them getting old enough to go to bed at the same time as me, I'll literally never escape them. Without doubt all my favourite moments of the last 10 years have been times when DH and I have been away from the kids.

....And interestingly my mum was one of those who repeatedly said, through gritted teeth "don't have kids" and I found her advice hurtful and ignored it.... but you know what? She was right. I thought if I kept my career, unlike her, married a man with a well-paid job, got a cleaner and paid help then I'd make it all ok. But nope.

I've contemplated divorce so I'll get 50% of the weekends and holidays to myself - just weighing that up with the fact most weeks will be only me.

I have weekly psych counselling so that this feeling doesn't 'push me over the edge' but there's nothing that can be done. It's just shit and I'm stuck with it. I can't pretend myself into being happy with it.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 22:24

Its not completely true though, is it? You can bring them places with you, or one parent stays with them while the other one does things,thereby having lots more than them in your life

You can't take your kids anywhere. You can't take them to...

A bar
A nightclub
A gym
Some pubs
Gigs/concerts
A spa

Its patently bollocks that you can't have anything in your life other than DC. Most parents manage precisely that, I don't know anyone that doesn't

They manage it by outsourcing childcare to family or paid professionals. If neither is available..it's impossible.

formerbabe · 11/08/2018 22:27

formerbabe, lots of people get together and form baby sitting circles so they can take it in turns to go out

Quite frankly I'd rather never go out again then have to babysit other people's children in a babysitting circle.

Xenia · 11/08/2018 22:33

Pick a non sexist and feminist man who will do their bit at home, earn a lot of money, never give up full time work and life can be pretty good whether you have children or not. My children are the icing on the cake. Most of this seems to flow from my life choices - hours of reading feminists books in my 70s, political principle, choosing someone who supported my career and moved hundreds of miles for my work etc et c.. All flows from the equality, high earnings and feminis, rather than whether I have children or not.

However even that apart and never mind the money, the best bits of my life have been to do with pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding, watching a child etc - looking at how they see things.

My main advice is buy a house before you have children and pick high paid work, never give up full time work and marry a non sexist man.

LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:33

llamapyjamas why did you settle for being held over a barrel to have dc
The GPs are nearly 80 and if I’d had DC 15 years ago they could have helped. Instead I selfishly waited as late as possible, so GPs are too elderly and infirm to do anything except sit with DC on their laps for a bit. DH gets in from work at 8pm so does very little parenting on weekdays. He earns way more so it wouldn’t be possible to pay the bills if he was a SAHP instead of me. I have very demanding (non sleeping, non napping) DC and nobody to give me a break.

I suppose you could ask why I had DC at all? Well, I didn’t want DH to divorce me and I didn’t realise being a mum would be this awful. The books say a baby sleeps 14 hours a day so I expected to get plenty of sleep and time to read or watch tv etc. Except my DC never got the memo so I get 4 hours sleep followed by 20 hours of being on duty. I didn’t think it would be this relentless. And I didn’t think my body would be wrecked - lots of people have kids and still look perfectly nice, I was just unlucky. By the time I realised it was too late - you can’t send your kids back!

A lot depends on luck. If my body had pinged back and my baby was a good sleeper (or if I had people to babysit) I’d probably be singing a different tune.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 11/08/2018 22:33

I cant imagine what it feels like to not find your kids rewarding, no criticism intended, but that sounds awful. Mine are 17 and 19 and seeing them grown up into young adults, making their own way in life and knowing that I have had a part of them being the people that they are is amazing.

Yes it's damned hard work and yes you give up a lot but for me having children was absolutely the right decision and maybe it will be the same for your DD one day?

Xenia · 11/08/2018 22:34

Llama, if you are fe up with the child could you not work full time and hire someone to look after the children until 8pm when the husband gets home whereupon he can take over?

LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:36

pick high paid work
@Xenia Aahh that’s where I went wrong! I should have picked a high paid job instead of a shitty min wage job! Because obviously I chose to get paid a pittance Hmm

mumprincess12 · 11/08/2018 22:38

I can honestly say that in every way my life is enriched with my children. They fill me with joy and happiness and they make me laugh so much.

Obviously there are hard moments but these pass. When I look at them I could burst with pride.

Please seek help if you're struggling - everyone should enjoy having children.

Scarletrose28 · 11/08/2018 22:38

“
A bar
A nightclub
A gym
Some pubs
Gigs/concerts
A spa”

You can do all of those every once in awhile if your partner/husband looks after them for the day/evening/weekend.

LlamaPyjamas · 11/08/2018 22:38

Llama, if you are fe up with the child could you not work full time
Childcare would cost more than I would earn. There’s no point working if I lose money by doing so.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/08/2018 22:39

I just feel like I need to make it clear what she might be giving up and that there are other choices in life.

What choices will she have to give up if she has kids?

I don't have kids yet; but most of my friends do. They have careers and lives too; they still earn well and go on holidays and have childfree time.

By all means encourage her to make sure she's in a good place and ready before she has kids; but that's all you can do. She may take to it more naturally than you seem to have; or she may have different circumstances that make it easier.

Can you seek any help for how you feel at the moment? You may enjoy them and what's left of their childhoods more if you get this under control.

Mrsmadevans · 11/08/2018 22:40

YANBU OP .I have told my DDS that they do not have to have a relationship because they feel pressure from society to conform to the usual stereotype expected of women. I have also said they do not have to have children. I do not want my DDS to feel they have to conform to the expectations of society. I want them to do whatever they want to. I am fully supportive of them in this. I would love them to have a relationship and GC but l do not want to make them feel any pressure from us to have them. l felt a huge pressure from everyone to have a husband and children in my youth and l do not want them to have the same .

AliceGoot · 11/08/2018 22:41

LOL at the comments about being able to take your kids with you to places.... well yes, indeed you can take them to restaurants, festivals, days out exploring sites of interest..... but those events become all about placating the children and not about you enjoying the place/outing/occasion. In fact it's usually more enjoyable to just stay at home than put up with moaning/bickering/complaining/constant requests for food/something else/something different.
(It's that "little bit worse" effect the OP spoke of).