To dislike my NCT group of mums?

[ticktocktoo]

I probably am but just wanted to find out what other people's experiences had been with their NCT classes.

I've just come back from my first one and was really disappointed in the people that attended- I usually pride myself on being a friendly and open person but I really, really struggled to 'bond' with some of the ladies in the group, even though I tried. They seemed really superficial and shallow and massively immature in what they had to say or how they said it. To top it off, 3 of the couples went to the same college and so they very quickly formed a cliquey group together. These 6 also came across as very competitive and tried to dominate the group discussions without letting the rest of us share our views too. We've got another session remaining and then we're done but I feel upset that we've missed out on making 'friends for life' despite paying so much for these classes. I was expecting other parents similar to us in age (mid 30s) to attend but these people seemed like they were on their early-mid 20s and so I feel like I have nothing in common with them apart from our EDD!

They've created a Whatsapp group for everyone to stay in touch but I really can't see myself sitting through any coffee mornings/get togethers with these women (the dads have got their own group).

Yabu - you will not have friends for life from one meeting with a bunch of strangers. Give these people a chance.

YANBU. If the only thing you have in common is babies due around the same time (and later, children of the same age), then don't try to force a friendship.

Our NCT group didn't bond very well at first. We had more sessions though, about 6 one-hour sessions a week. Now babies are 6 months old and we get along OK. Sometimes the mums meet as group (although there are a couple who don't really join in) but I doubt we'll all be friends for life.

Maybe stick with it for now and see how you get on.

Can you find another group?

It doesn’t sound like this set are up your street.

YANBU I didn't bond with my group either, mainly because most of them enjoyed very high incomes. Most of them (there were 8 of us) stayed in touch but I was excluded fairly early on. We had a one year reunion but since then I've not seen any of them except chance meetings.

Just because you had your kids at the same time doesn't mean you have anything else in common or have a similar world view. I have more friends from hobbies or from work.

Hold on in there!
I took one look at my NCT group and told DH after the first meeting that they weren't my cup of tea and I wouldn't be going back! He encouraged me to continue and it was a good thing in the end.
Whilst they were people that I wouldn't have been friends with normally the Whatsapp group became a saviour with questions that others might view trivial. It was also a good way to guarantee that you had a little outing once or twice a week (although definitely join as many groups as you can stomach!!)
Almost 2 years on now and I am only close to one mum but when everyone heads back to work it's inevitable people drift.

Now on no.2 and wishing there was an equivalent so can't have been all bad! 😊

Sorry to say this, but you sound really judgemental. It's not their fault they clicked better than with you. They don't owe you their friendship because you paid money to attend the group sessions.

They invited you on to the WhatsApp group, so give it a chance instead of already deciding you want nothing to do with them. Although, if ALL of them are everything you say, just delete yourself from the group and get on with your life.

I had the same experience total waste of time and money and tbh I didn't rate the classes in terms of their info either. Having spoken to friends/colleagues they had all had really positive experiences and were shocked re mine but said it was just one of those things I stopped going to the classes in the end - useless and pointless. Sorry OP

You made all those snap judgements after one session?

The problem is you, not them.

YANBU, but this is why I dislike NCT - forced friendships don't work. You're better off trying to find mum friends in a class which reflects your interest so yoga, fitness etc. Or once your baby's here, you might find you hit it off with someone at a baby class.

I didn’t either, went to half a dozen sessions and then stopped. Just had nothing in common except the baby, and my pregnancy, birth experience and first couple of months were really easy. So I spent a lot of the meetings being very careful not to piss people off. The group was just too much effort.

I didn’t go to NCT because I was in my early twenties and had been warned by a friend that the majority of mums were in their 30s and 40s and excluded her based on your idea of having nothing in common due to a few years age difference, pure snobbery. If they are being cliquey leave them to it, but they’ve put you in the WhatsApp group so I don’t see your point really, of course they are going to look for things in common and bond over it, if you want the same make the effort. You were being unreasonable to think that you could just pay for friends. Much better to make friends with mums at baby groups once your baby is here.

I'd give them a chance. You may find that having newborns together is enough in common to bring you together, at least for a while. And if not, it's easy to drift away.

You were honestly expecting to make friends for life from NCT?!?! Radically change your expectations. If they’re not your type of people, they’re not your type of people and perhaps they feel the same about you.

Some people just do better in these 'forced friendship' situations than others. I think I'd view the classes as getting useful information about childbirth, etc. and if you make any friends it's a bonus. I agree with the PP who says you might find it better just making friendships organically through other things.

Give them a chance. Hard to know from the first meeting. You and your world will change hugely after the baby is born.

That said, a few years on I don't see mine anymore really but don't feel sad about it. It was a lifeline for a short time.

I deliberately avoided NCT classes because of the whole forced friendship thing. I didn’t have any interest in making ‘mum friends’ for life- but, that’s largely as I’m very lucky to have a large circle of friends with young chn who I can turn to for support and I’m aware I’m very lucky in that regard. I heard NCT could be cliquey and that it was luck of the draw in regards to your group getting on. My sister in law went to NCT classes: didn’t rate the quality of the classes but she did make friends. I do think there is just an element of luck to it. I’m hoping I might meet people at baby groups/classes and make friends rather than feel forced to befriend people just because they’re booked on the same antenatal class as me.

I met and chatted with some lovely people at my alternative, far cheaper classes but I won’t be keeping in contact and would have hated the presumption that we now had to be best friends just because we were having babies at similar times.

My group was great - our children are now 5 and we meet up every school holiday and other combinations more often.

That doesn’t mean YABU though, your group might not be for you. I’d give it a chance though.

I didn't bond at all with my NCT group. Never stayed in touch at all after our last session. Everyone lived way too far away from each other.

Do you have free local NHS antenatal classes? I found these brilliant. Very local to me and during the day/morning so it was mainly just the mothers that made it.
I met a few local expectant mums there and we naturally bumped into each other at the coffee shop down the round a few times. It took a while but we formed a very strong bond.
We're still close 14 years later.
The husbands and partners used to come along to some weekend meet-ups. They were friendly with each other but never very close.

I would say its luck. Some people find their good friends at NCT, antenatal, baby yoga, nursery, school etc. Please don't panic.

In my experience, some of these groups are a huge success, some are a temporary and middling success and some don't work at all. The "friends for life" thing was always a bit unrealistic. That said, it's actually very hard to judge how you will get on with people after one meeting. I didn't particularly hit it off with one of the mums who is now one of my very close friends until we'd all been meeting up for about 6 months; when everything is dominated by baby talk it's hard to judge who you might genuinely click with. Give it more time.

The other thing you can do is join one of the NCT Bumps and Babies groups? They just put you in touch with other mums who've had babies in the same month and that's a lot more informal. You might meet a different "type" of person there you click with better.

YANBU I didn't bond with my group either, mainly because most of them enjoyed very high incomes

Ditto. We were definitely the 'poor cousins' in our nct group, in spite of both being in professional jobs, both salaries in mid 30k. We did a few meet ups after the course finished and babies had arrived, but I then let it drift off. Tbh this also saved me a load of cash in expensive cake and coffee while on mat pay!

NCT groups don’t often result in friends for life. Usually they last through the maternity leave at best when you are all at home together and need someone to get out of the house with before you go mad. The only thing you have in common with these people is that you are all having a baby together. If you hit it off that’s great but you’ll have loads of Mum friends come in and out of your life over the years due to playgroups and school. This isn’t your one chance to make friends. I only met up with my NCT group once after DD was born but I made a great friend at the baby group at the local children’s centre instead.

I was lucky in my NCT group as we were similar ages with similar backgrounds. I did go to another group though where I felt totally excluded because there were some big characters who took over. That was quite hard. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I wouldn't write them off just yet and there will be lots of other places to make mum friends.

I didn’t really make friends at the NCT group we went to. And didn’t find it as helpful as I thought I would. There were no NHS classes in our area at all.

I usually pride myself on being a friendly and open person

Really? Because you don't sound it. Maybe it's just the way you've written your OP but it's full of snap judgements about people you don't know from Adam.

Maybe I am being judgemental but I really tried hard to start conversations with them, ask about their experiences of pregnancy so far, etc, etc. but like i said, there were no commonalities between us. Plus I found once they'd answered my questions, they didn't reciprocate in asking me anything so I couldn't do/say anything else.

I don't think finances had any part to play in things- everyone looked well to do but some of the ladies attitudes towards things left me feeling a bit 'urgh'. For example, we live in a 'nice' part of town and when one of the ladies overheard me speaking to someone else about it, she jumped in saying 'OMG, we live there too!' When I asked her where about, her husband jumped in and it turns out they live miles out in another area and were looking to move to our area in the future! This lady then looked me up and down and turned the other way! Also, when we broke up into mums/dads groups, the 3 cliquey ladies mentioned feeling really upset with how their bodies looked (they are slim and have lovely, neat bumps) and how they wanted to get back into shape ASAP after their babies were born (This left me feeling crp as I've gained a lot of weight during this pregnancy and have stretch marks galore on my stomach and hips) and couldn't wait to contact the best personal trainers their other friends had used to help them get their pre-baby bodies back. As someone who comes from a family where almost all the new mums have suffered from PND, my focus is to look after myself and my baby and think about fitness later. I'm scared If I carry on and stay in touch with these women, my mental health is going to suffer as it seems everything with them is about looks, status and money (these 3 mentioned private schools they were considering for their, as yet, unborn babies).