To dislike my NCT group of mums?

[ticktocktoo]

I probably am but just wanted to find out what other people's experiences had been with their NCT classes.

I've just come back from my first one and was really disappointed in the people that attended- I usually pride myself on being a friendly and open person but I really, really struggled to 'bond' with some of the ladies in the group, even though I tried. They seemed really superficial and shallow and massively immature in what they had to say or how they said it. To top it off, 3 of the couples went to the same college and so they very quickly formed a cliquey group together. These 6 also came across as very competitive and tried to dominate the group discussions without letting the rest of us share our views too. We've got another session remaining and then we're done but I feel upset that we've missed out on making 'friends for life' despite paying so much for these classes. I was expecting other parents similar to us in age (mid 30s) to attend but these people seemed like they were on their early-mid 20s and so I feel like I have nothing in common with them apart from our EDD!

They've created a Whatsapp group for everyone to stay in touch but I really can't see myself sitting through any coffee mornings/get togethers with these women (the dads have got their own group).

I reckon stay in the WhatsApp group and give it some time. I went to one antenatal class and disliked pretty much everyone (although this is my fault as I’m socially awkward and tend to dislike social situations) but I was also added to a text group and I started chatting to the mums on it when the baby was born and the advice and support I got from them was absolutely priceless. There were a lot of texts in the early hours of the day when everyone was up feeding their babies so we had a laugh about it. It took me absolutely ages to actually go to one of their meet ups but when I did everyone was so welcoming and I ended up going quite often. I think people are different in slightly smaller groups as it’s more intimate than a full on class, so you may find a couple of people that you get on with and hang out with them. I felt like I haven’t got anything in common with the other mums but once the baby arrived I could talk to pretty much any mum (mostly about sleep or poo).

Don’t stress it though. I’m sure you’ll meet some nice people at baby classes or coffee mornings.

Give them a chance. It might turn out that they're not your sort of people, but everything is about to change for all of you, and their priorities may well no longer be about hitting the gym as early as possible, you may get on better when you can all chat about your babies without fear of looking silly, because you're all in the same first-time boat. Having that late night Whatsapp group can be a sanity saver!

Our NCT group was middling in terms of bonding, I'd say - lots of Whatsapp chat and quite a few meetings while we were all on mat leave, but once people started to go back to work we drifted apart. Two of the women moved out of the UK, and I didn't quite "click" with the group so well without them, so I think a couple of the others still meet up but I'm not part of it any more and that's ok.

I met my main "mum friends" through a range of different activities - NCT bumps & babies group, baby sensory, La Leche League, yoga. You have time to try out a few different things and see who you click with. Though I did find that at some activities a whole NCT group would be there who already knew each other, and while they were having a lovely chatty time, it was harder for outsiders to break in!

Maybe give them a bit longer but I do understand. My NCT group is perfectly nice but for some reason have never really integrated very well into the group. I’ve also had terrible PND and didn’t feel able to get very included in the early days post-baby and they’ve since bonded without me. Ah well. I learnt lots of stuff about natural births I guess (despite the fact 6 out of the 7 couples were induced - myself included!)

My DD is 4 and my NCT group are great. I met one of my best friends who I see at least once a week and a couple of other ladies who I see every few weeks. The rest I see at special occasions so maybe twice a year, in fact we had an nct night out a couple of weeks ago (7 of us)
To be honest, most are people I probably wouldn't have crossed paths with but I'm glad i did it and it definitely made the first few months easier
Give it a chance

OP I think you have had some fairly harsh answers here. The general consensus about NCT given to expectant mothers (both on here and in RL) is that though the information isn't necessarily that helpful/is dependent on your practitioner, it is useful to make friends during a challenging phase of life.

I have shelled out for NCT classes I am starting in a little over a month and am already weary of the fact that the main reason for joining them may not work out.

Someone upthread uses the analogy of NCT as a middle class parent dating agency somewhat scathingly. But I feel that OP has admitted that that is what she thought it was buying into, not unfairly, and doesn't feel that is what she has got. Can she be a bit miffed?

I'll echo the "give it a chance" posters. I did an NCT course when I was pregnant with DD (11 months). Obviously it's still early days in the grand scheme of things but I have become close to a few of the mums - not necessarily the ones I thought I'd click with - and see one weekly to share childcare. The course was a steaming pile of shite but I'm glad I did it - while still feeling slightly conned by it all.

I do think it's helpful to go into parenthood with a "potential network" of other people at the same stage of life to talk and socialise with, but NCT is certainly not the only path to achieving this.

I usually pride myself on being a friendly and open person

The irony

I liked ours, 2.5 years on were still in touch, in fact I had a play date with four of them this week. I would say out of the other 7 women I get on really well with two of them (ie we have enough in common that we’d have become friends if we’d met at work or something), and well enough with the rest - it’s nice to get out for a coffee and a chat really! But I don’t think I went in with the lifelong friends attitude. Also, I would say give it time, there was one woman I didn’t think I’d have much in common with and she’s probably the one I’m closest to now.

I'd give it a chance. My NCT were ok but I left the first session with a gut feeling I really wasn't going to bond with any of them. We're in a major city in a semi affluent (but not overly so) area and I don't really recognise the descriptions of competitive mummies etc, we were a bit of a mixed bag. We actually did keep up a fairly regular meet up for a year (the babies have just turned one) but once people started going back to work it did start to peter out a bit. But, I got what I needed from the year and unless I'd made the bestest best friend ever, it would have been difficult to keep it up after going back to work.

My main problem was hardly anyone lived in the area the group was for and it did make meeting up harder and now we're back at work we're not bumping into each other on the high street or able to arrange playdates. It's a shame, I do wonder why most of the group went 'out of area' but didn't like to ask. I will keep in touch with a couple of the women but like anything in life it seems unrealistic to expect us all to be best friends forever.

If you don't want superficial and image conscious, is there a free NHS antenatal group near you? I would have thought that would fit the bill better - people will be going to that for information and possible friendships with other expectant mothers without any other agenda, so surely you'll get a more interesting mix of people than you do when paying through the nose for it and thus pricing others out of the market?

There were only 4 in my group and the other 3 had been through lengthy IVF (I think possibly egg donors) - they were having almost weekly scanning and I felt quite apart from the group. They were all 40+ with the dHs 50-60.

Luckily at about 4 weeks post birth we merged with another group which was much better.

I've have four pregnancies and have never attended an NCT class in my life. I would maybe give it another go and if you're not enjoying it, it's not compulsory for you to stay.

I would give it a bit more of a chance. I didn't do nct but I did nhs antenatal classes and then breastfeeding group and stay and play at the children's centre. Some people I have stayed in touch with and others not. Ds1 is now 12 and I still see some of the mums from when he was a baby. Ds1 is at secondary school with most of the "babies".

Oh dear. Didn't you know that NCT is for upper and upper-middle class mummies?

I must have been lucky. Dc is about to start GCSEs and I’m still friends with my NCT group. We still meet up every now and again and they are great. We were a mix of ages, working mums, SAHMs but it just worked out - we’re all fairly laid back though.

Having said that I did try a different post natal nct group as well and I just didn’t feel the vibe with that one so maybe it’s worth trying a few groups to find one that fits. Maybe give this one a chance though, it’s early days yet.

Have you done the “intensive” two long session classes rather than the 6 or so evening ones? We did that and found that it wasn’t enough contact to bond well at the time, but that we all bonding brilliantly once the babies actually arrived - had more time and more in common then I guess. We are all mostly still in touch three years on (with second babies having since made an appearance for more than half). Stay on the What’sApp group and give it time.

Anyone else got deja vu? I remember a very similar thread a while back.

Crossed posts there - none of my nct was upper or upper middle class by any stretch 😂

You have one massive thing in common with all these women - you're all about to have a baby. And quite frankly, for at least the first 6 months, you don't need anything more than that!
If you really can't stand the sight of them then fair enough. But just because they won't be your BFFs for life, doesn't mean they can be very valuable as a support system now. You need people. If it's not them, find another group.

I'll repeat, you will need people. You won't know how much until you're in it!

Good luck

I didn't do NCT but the more I read about it the more it sounds like buying friends. Not my cup of tea. They don't sound very nice but I bet some of the quieter mums will be nicer. I'm always really quiet in those sort of group situations but made friends by going for coffee in smaller groups (I actually made two really good friends in baby massage class even though my baby loathed it.)

I did not know that NCT was for upper middle class mummies - I thought that was all the specialist non-NCT pre-natal groups that run in places like London...

A way give it a chance - you may or may not ultimately gel but it’s been one session!

I was lucky. I love my group - are kids are in school and we are in touch regularly. Genuine friends. I didn’t however walk in on day one and think I had found all my besties in one room!

Others have been less lucky but have still appreciated having a group about who are dealing with the same thing at the same time.

Nothing to do with how many other friends you have.

Mind you someone told me the other day how expensive it is and I was . I don’t remember that.

I found our NCT course the biggest waste of money ever!!!!!
The people were clicky
The woman running it was bonkers
The materials were out of date
The activities were boring

I'd never recommend it to anyone and my baby was premature I only did 3 of the 6 sessions and they were very funny about refunding me! Total shambles

We did the evenings rather than days, but I wouldn't say we massively bonded until we were all on mat leave and met up weekly at each others' houses. I've definitely made some decent friends through it, I've seen four out of eight of them in the last week or so (our DC are 20 months).
To make the poster happy that said about upper classes, we have a pony share with one of the other toddlers but we're paying a tenner a week towards its keep so I'll stay in my middle class box!

I think it’s luck of the draw. I was very lucky and my NCT friends are my absolute best friends and our babies are coming up to their 16th borthdays. I don’t think that’s anything to do with NCT, we just all got on well.