To dislike my NCT group of mums?

[ticktocktoo]

I probably am but just wanted to find out what other people's experiences had been with their NCT classes.

I've just come back from my first one and was really disappointed in the people that attended- I usually pride myself on being a friendly and open person but I really, really struggled to 'bond' with some of the ladies in the group, even though I tried. They seemed really superficial and shallow and massively immature in what they had to say or how they said it. To top it off, 3 of the couples went to the same college and so they very quickly formed a cliquey group together. These 6 also came across as very competitive and tried to dominate the group discussions without letting the rest of us share our views too. We've got another session remaining and then we're done but I feel upset that we've missed out on making 'friends for life' despite paying so much for these classes. I was expecting other parents similar to us in age (mid 30s) to attend but these people seemed like they were on their early-mid 20s and so I feel like I have nothing in common with them apart from our EDD!

They've created a Whatsapp group for everyone to stay in touch but I really can't see myself sitting through any coffee mornings/get togethers with these women (the dads have got their own group).

I’d say hang on in there. At the moment you only have EDD in common but you may find you have other things in common or will do once the babies arrive. I had two NCT experiences. One I’m still really good friends with 4 of them, 8 years down the line. The other we were all really close for the first few years (especially in that first tough year) and see a few of them now as I drifted away from others. I honestly would not have survived those first few months without them and although I’m not REALLY good friends with some of them now I really appreciated all them at the time.

Is there an NHS-run group locally to you?

NCT is a real puzzle for me. I don’t get why you’d join in the first place, and I’ve never known any of the ‘friendships’ survive more than six months.

Have you only had one session? You may find more common ground as you go on but you need to on stay open minded rather than write them off after one week.
I admittedly judged everyone in the first first session, but actually the people I thought I wouldn’t keep in touch with are now really good friends, and some people I thought we would, we haven’t seen for dust.
Don’t discount the power of common bonds of new parent experiences. My group got me through - asking and answering questions or worries.

I think NCT classes that run over 6-8 weeks on the evenings work better for forming friendships.

Stay on the WhatsApp group. We all used to message each other re all kinds of random things that worried us early on re: our babies. It was a huge source of comfort to know others were going through the same things. And there was always someone else awake at 3am with a crying baby!

Most of us met up regularly for coffee and baby groups while we were on Mat leave. Mostly drifted since then and i hardly see most of them now (DD nearly 3), and not all were people I would have hung out with otherwise, but it was nice to have people to see for that time.

I mentioned the 'friends for life' thing as everyone I'd spoken to before signing up told me the NCT session content was terrible but the people you met and the friends you made for life was worth it alone! Maybe naive of me but that's why I joined!

Apologies for the bold text on my second post- I don't know what happened there.

Also, just to add: the other mums seemed okay but they were really quiet and seemed not to say much when asked anything. Maybe I should stay in the Whatsapp group and see how things pan out. I'm was looking for normal, friendly and supportive people and hope one of the ladies in the group is it!

I didn't actively dislike my group but never bonded with any of them in the way I had hoped. We stayed in touch for about a year, and then drifted apart as people moved or went back to work. We had a 5 year reunion and that was it. On the surface we all had lots in common. Similar ages (mid 30s), graduates, similar careers, but I just didn't "click" with anyone and found myself feeling a bit like the odd one out. Hard to explain, but they were very cliquey and I never felt like I could be "me" around them.

On the other hand I met some fantastic friends at post-natal groups and toddler groups and have a few really close friends from those days. And 2 really lovely friends who I met at the NHS ante-natal classes at the hospital who I bonded with straight away and spent load of the first few newborn weeks with.

So don't despair!!

NCT class is mythologised on mn and in RL as the place to meet besties.BFF
NCTmis treated like a middle class dating agency were you encounter the right sort
This may or may not be the case.but it’s unlikely even if you do get along that it’ll e enduring
People move,kids attend different nurseries and schools

FWIW,my baby group was full of mc mums all chattering about private schools, crime in the city vs move to suburb,talking about his they gave up work and Gosh what a lot of money their dh earned. And when I talked about partner I was pointedly asked was I married?

So don’t over invest in one baby group
Do attend activity groups
Get out with pram & baby
Take care and best of luck when baby arrives

YANBU at all OP - they do sound really superficial and I'd feel the same way. I didn't do NCT (not in this country when I had my first and CBA the second time around!), but my experience of being lumped together with others with a similar EDD is that you're a totally random group with bugger all in common apart from your EDD and that you're incredibly lucky if you hit it off with anyone at all. It's the same with your DC's nursery group parents and the same with their class at school (although the numbers are larger then, so you have a better chance of finding at least one kindred spirit). Looking back, the only mums I made good friends with were from my La Leche League BF-ing support group. We weren't all the same, but we did have quite a bit in common and ten years and 3,000 miles from each other I'm still in touch with a couple of them. Think about how you want to raise your baby and maybe try to find some friends that way - at least you'll have something more in common than the date your baby is due.

Our group has been a bit of a flop really- I think we’re just all too different. There were a couple of very vocal HCPs in the group, which I think made for an uncomfortable atmosphere, as people felt stupid asking questions.

Outside that, a few people are very comfortable financially, and there was just a huge difference in our lifestyles. I’ve realised that I don’t really need ‘Mum friends’- it’s nice, and I do have a couple from toddler groups, but these are women that I’d be friends with anyway, rather than because our children were the same age.

I didn’t do NCT, but a lot of NCT mums seem to meet up locally in a lot of the places I frequented with DS on mat leave.

There did seem to be a lot of superficiality (going on about personal trainers and spa treatments etc). We have a high household income ourselves, but these mums were all much flashier than I’m comfortable with (I’m quite outdoorsy and practical). And lots of handwringing about baby stuff (not “oh did your baby do x? What did you do about it?”, more “Jemima STILL isn’t sleeping through, I’ve told Svetlana our housekeeper that she simply MUST NOT allow her to wake up tonight, we have Rufus’s director coming over for supper”).

Nothing wrong with people like that, they are just very different to me. I’m sure not all NCT groups are like that, but the ones local to me seem to skew that way (I live in Brixton, so most mums aren’t like that at all).

I found local council-run stay-and-plays, Mum and baby yoga/pilates/buggyfit, baby swimming and general baby music classes (Hartbeeps etc) had a much more normal range of people. I made friends that way, though tbh most of them did fall away when we went back to work.

YAB a little U....

It’s only one class. We turned up at our first and walked away a bit disappointed as we blindly expected it to be a bit more open than it was. In hindsight it was a bit silly as everyone is going through an intense what the fuck moment in their lives so of course it wasn’t going to be great first time.

Apart from one couple who excluded themselves after the baby was born for various reasons we all still talk nearly 5 years later. It helped that we all lived at most a 10 min walk away and fairly similar economically. But that said I know many who never clicked and it just wasn’t for them.

Give it a chance - it may work or it may not but regardless I personally think it’s a great network really shortly after the birth when you are going mad and trying to keep a baby alive and don’t know how!

It's really luck of the draw what mix of people will be in your group. We were very lucky and still see members of our group at least once a week, meet up as a whole group every few months, go on ladies nights out and we have a book group which we do once every 6 weeks. My husband and I are going on holiday with one of the other couples next month.

Other groups don't click for whatever reason which is a shame but I'm sure those people meet others at baby groups etc. This isn't your last chance to make friends!

I think you are jumping to conclusions a bit soon, having only met them once. If those three couples are not your cup of tea maybe spend some time trying to get to know the other couples who might be lovely.

Incidentally our babies are 18 months old and everyone has gone back to work so it can work past that time.

What do you expect from a group of people who have to pay to make friends?

Yabu to expect to meet friends for life at an nct class. Some people are lucky and do, for many it isnt about that. I also think you stand a better chance of making friends if your classes are over a few sessions.

We had about 6 1 hour sessions. I went to learn about birth, breastfeeding, how to look after a baby, what to expect etc. I didn’t really go expecting to make friends. As it was it worked out well, we were a mixed bunch but once the babies were here most of us did meet up over the first few months usually at the local parent and baby group sometimes followed by lunch or coffee. Once those of us who worked drifted back it tailed off but was nice while it lasted.

I did make other friends through nct and one of my closest friends I met at the parent and toddler group. I was also treasurer for a while of out local branch and met others through that. Some of whom I am still in touch with (I stopped when DS was about 6 ( he is 11 now).

I made "friends for life" with two mums from the local church baby/playgroup while my friend who did NCT kept up a charade of competitive play dates, competitive OTT childrens' birthday parties, expensive couples dinners and generally obnoxious low-level bitching and bullying for three years because she had "paid for it". If you don't get on with your group you possibly won't, but you should give it more than one session (I don't recommend persevering for 3yrs though 😂).

There’ll be some you stick with and others you won’t. It’s very weird this mummy friend thing- just relax and be yourself the people you relate with will come to you!
Oh and try the mush app - I met some lovely folks on it x

I didn't dislike my NCT group, but never really bonded with them or had a long term relationship - there was nothing wrong with any of them, it was just we did an intensive one-weekend workshop rather than multiple weeks, as I had an evening commitment at the time that made weeknights not a possibility. So because of that, they were spread across a wide area, rather than being very local to us... and on top of that I couldn't drive at the time, so basically I couldn't just 'drop in' on anyone, and everyone else assumed it would be really hard for me to go anywhere (it wasn't that hard, I was used to buses) so if someone, say, wanted a shoulder to cry on or something, no one was going to ask me to come over because they'd think it was asking too much of me and also I couldn't come quickly. Might also not have helped that out of the 8 families, I had the only girl, so it was one less thing in common, perhaps.

We met up a handful of times in the first 6 months and then for one or two first birthdays, but for me it petered out after that.

Oh god. I've just signed up for NCT classes (my course is two full days and an evening) as I really want a few friends who are on mat leave to meet up with. I'm dreading it as I tend to dislike people at first meeting!

I didn't get on with my NCT group apart from one couple, felt like the poor relation tbh.
But i joined NCT bumps and babes, that one mum was there and along with two other ladies we are still friends 17 years later.
Bumps and babes was informal and relaxed. Give that a go

I would recommend giving them a chance. some of my closest friends I didn’t like much when I first met them. Plus like with any large group your not likely to hit it off with everyone.

Give it a chance OP and make sure you try out lots of other baby groups when you're little one is born. The more people you meet, the more chance of finding a couple of good friends. You never know when you might need them.
My NCT group split into 2 distinct groups once the babies were born, one with girl babies and the other one with boy babies. My boy babies group were great and we stayed pretty close for 5 years until the boys started at different schools and I moved away. I still keep in touch via Facebook but I don't really know whether they're still as close as they've all gone on to have more children.

I probably couldn't have imagined being close friends after the first meeting but luckily, all the exuberant mums to be had girls, so we quickly lost touch with them. My little group was very diverse (I was the oldest member by far - 40's - and also unmarried) and I think our different backgrounds helped us bond. We were just all equally terrified together. 😁
I used to suffer with migraines and when DP was at work, it was truly awful with splitting headaches and projectile vomiting - never mind the baby! Luckily, my NCT pals really looked after me. They were awesome and as I didn't have any family to help, I honestly don't know how I'd have got through some days without them.

I didn’t find friends for life at mine. But I did find comrades going through the same life changing stuff as me at the same time. Being a first time parent is a great leveller; for that first 6-12 months when having a new baby is the most important thing in your life, knowing people in the same situation is very comforting/helpful. The girl with a baby 3 weeks older than mine, who I rang in years at 11pm one night because DS would feed? - totally lost touch with her. The couple with the intimidatingly large and fancy house, who both went back to work almost immediately ? - not heard from them for ages, they are too busy working. The couple who lost their baby ? We were so close for a year, but now mightier in passing once or twice a year. But fir those first few months, new babies are all consuming. Sharing that experience can be very important. Once everyone starts going back to work (or not), families begin to settle down and do on, when you actually do have very little in common, then drift away, but for now - give them a chance. The real bonding comes once the babies do, don’t burn your bridges just yet.