to be sick and tired of people being rude about our home?

[Breadsticksandhummus]

We (DH, me and 2 year old DS) live in a 2 bedroom flat in London. It's pretty small, but it's not tiny. It doesn't have a garden. We bought it four years ago, are not planning any more DC and have no plans to move. It's 30 minutes away from my mum's and we have a great support network in this area. DH's commute is quick and easy (I work from home).

So we are fine. We are happy. And yet I am SO sick and tired of comments (mainly from DH's family, but also from some extended members of mine and a few friends) about "poor DS" "not having enough space to run round" and expressing shock and horror that for the same price of this flat in London we could have bought a house outside London, constantly asking when we're planning on moving etc etc. Yesterday when MIL was here she said "oh this place gets smaller every time I visit".

I find it really insulting and upsetting. We've done it up nicely. We keep it tidy, clean and clutter free. DS has a nice home here with everything he needs. OK we have no garden but we have at least 3 or 4 lovely big parks within walking distance of the flat, a garden at my mum's and he has a lovely big garden at nursery which he goes to 3 days a week. I can't drive for medical reasons so being in London is incredibly convenient for me as I can simply walk or get public transport everywhere.

I wouldn't dream of visiting someone else's home and making such comments. Why do they do it?!

breadstick
So, what POSITIVE responses will you use to shut your MIL down ?

THey are all here in the thread
which ones will you use?

The point about cropping the blackberries and beans is that this is not available to children without gardens.

It's fine - I don't mean to cast aspersions - you asked an honest question and I gave you an honest response. I think kids brought up in cities are a bit deprived when it comes to nature. There's no compensation for that.

I have hauled my kids around more art galleries and cultural destinations than you would believe. But you don't have to live in the city for that.

You have to be at home and hearing the foxes and going out at dawn to watch the hares and the badgers. Listening to the dawn chorus. Tickling trout and working out the difference between the owls. What's the difference between a stout and a weasel? How do you treat cows? Putting the dog on a lead in lambing season.

City kids know none of that.

I have no idea, next time she makes a comment I'll be sure to drop you a PM and let you know what I went with!

There's no rule we have to focus on the positives you know, I'm pre menstrual and I reserve the right to be mardy if I want to be.

Thesearepearls are you OPs MIL?

I don't mean to cast aspersions - you asked an honest question and I gave you an honest response.

Er no you didn't. My question was AIBU to think people are rude when they comment negatively on my living situation, not invitating you to tell me what you personally think of it yourself.

*You have to be at home and hearing the foxes and going out at dawn to watch the hares and the badgers. Listening to the dawn chorus. Tickling trout and working out the difference between the owls. What's the difference between a stout and a weasel? How do you treat cows? Putting the dog on a lead in lambing season.

Done every single one of those things. HTH. We do sometimes leave the city you know.

Also, I can't remember who mentioned foxes but I assure you you don't need to have a garden to enjoy them in London. They just casually stroll down the street these days.

Well my response to whether or not people should comment on your living situation is YANBU as stated upthread

I don't remotely believe your claims to be affiliated with nature in the way that you state btw. You have to live in the country to be able to do all of those things and you do not

But it's fine - this is the internet - you get going. I've got my kids working out birdsong

Oh god, we live in a detached house in a rural area with a garden and we literally never use it.
The kids have trampoline which they only use in bursts and then forget neglect for months.
Neither DH nor I can garden for toffee so it isn't well kept
It's a money and time pit neither of us enjoy.
It is basically a dog toilet.
It's currently covered in a massive water slide where the clear up: fun ratio is all wrong
ANd apples, which the dog gorges on to make himself sick
We go to the beach, or the park, or the woods. We hardly ever 'enjoy' the garden.
Enjoy your london flat, sounds fabulous to me.

We do get birds singing in London. They don't all drop dead at the Hertfordshire border.

As I mentioned, we visit the countryside several times a year and I've done that since I was a child. I have done all the things you talk about. If you don't believe me that's not my problem.

City kids know none of that.

Oh, give over! I was a city kid. My dad used to take me out loads as a kid, and then I was in Explorers. I learned all that without having to live in the country. I became quite the mountaineer as a young adult, all whilst living in a GASP city during the week to work! OMG! However do people manage it?

I lived for years in rural areas, my older children were bored out of the skulls as teens and left as soon as possible. I don't blame them. Have never seen such huge social problems with drugs, alcohol, deprivation, domestic violence etc as have in the country (excepting perhaps the middle class wankers who were snobby about their gardens). We got bored of it, too, and moved closer in.

Now I even know people who live in LONDON and they came here from other places and know how to treat cows. It's unbelievable.

There are positives and negatives of all different locations within the UK. Positives of a Garden negatives of a village.
I personally believe it is better for children to be exposed to city life and mixed with all walks of life from a young age than live in a remote village in middle white British class wrapped in cotton wool, with a carbon copy life, trainers, new build and car.

@daisyinatree

YES! We moved and deliberately downsized at the beginning of the year. We were renting a larger period property before and my god, it used to drown me. It was far too big for our needs. Never again. You should have seen the stuff we got rid of. I was utterly ruthless with the de-clutter. I walk around this flat as though I'm walking on air now. It's just so tidy and organised. It's quite a freeing feeling, absurd as it sounds, to live with less 'stuff'. There's no more chaos. It's just ... peaceful.

My energy costs are £40 a month here, bouncing up to £50-55 in the winter. I don't know what magic is lurking in the insulation, but the flat never gets cold. We live in Scotland too, and the winters in our area can be bloody horrific. We pay a small maintenance charge (less than a fiver) every month and the grounds around us are kept beautiful. I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything. I would never go back to a bigger property now. I have seen the light!

Trust me, we have lots of foxes in London. Lots of city farms. Woodcraft is as popular as rainbows and brownies. We regularly get out of London.

Dh and I are Australian. We also hear the same sort of bias against the UK, people thinking it’s overpopulated (rural England is nothing like rural Australia!). Different strokes for different folks. No way is better, just different. My kids have an amazing assortment of friends from different counties and I love that - wouldn’t get that anywhere else. I think it’s taught them to be truly accepting and unafraid of others - I don’t force that down anyone’s throat - it’s just a value important to me.

breadsticks
so, what are the POSITIVES about where you live?
Which parks / museums / galleries / activities
park your tanks on her lawn

Pretty sure they've been extensively mentioned on this thread, Ta1kin. I love my area and I love my flat.

breadstick
Pretty sure they've been extensively mentioned on this thread
Nope
my settings shade your posts in a different colour
You are north west but no idea how far out

stop being defensive and shout about the positives

OP, your flat sounds lovely and I'm a tad jealous of you living in London.

We moved from an old house with character and a large garden to a new build seven years ago. Our old house may have looked lovely but it was a bugger to keep warm in Winter (I'd wear a coat, hat and scarf indoors to try and reduce the heating bill when home alone during the day) and was always dusty.

Our new build has character though, it has an interesting layout and actually looks like the kind of houses I've seen in London which I love. We have a tiny garden but when we moved here our children played on the street with neighbour's' children. They couldn't have done that where we lived before because we were on a busy town centre road and there were no children their ages nearby anyway.

I remember very well the rudeness of people when they visited though. My husband's uncle in particular pissed me off. He was so negative about it. Apparently we'd have problems with the build quality (we haven't), the layout didn't work (works perfectly for us) and the garden was far too small (great, that means I have less gardening to do after spending hours every week or two just trying to keep on top of our previous large garden. We have a patio area, flower borders and a lawn so it has everything we need).
There was absolutely no need for him to be so negative, even if I didn't like someone's house I'd still tell them that it was lovely.

I'm not northwest, not sure where you got that from. I live in SE London. Ten minutes to London bridge, fifteen to Charing Cross. I presume I don't have to list all the advantages and attractions in central London for you, as that would take me all night?

As I mentioned in my OP, I have 3/4 lovely parks less than ten minutes walk from my house, loads of shops, lots of decent restaurants, Blackheath, Crystal Palace and Greenwich park v close by too. Massive network of fellow parents, family close by, a lovely nursery for my son.

But I'm not an estate agent and I am not trying to convince you to live in my area, so I'm not really sure why you're trying to get me to do this .

stop being defensive and shout about the positives

I mean seriously....have you taken lessons in how to be patronising? If so bravo, I applaud you.

OP, to answer your original question if it's rude to say these things out loud - yes, it is. I don't think it is because of jealousy though - they like where they live and their lifestyle, just as you like yours.

I think your flat and personal set up sounds marvelous! I grew up in a very dull, very white, seaside town in Essex. Growing up there was literally naff all to do. We had a garden which I spent a lot of time in as a pre-teen, but once I was older I was probably out lying in a ditch clinging to a bottle of Smirnoff ice with my friends. It was dull. I'm still here, and it still is dull. We have the beach, which is alright but you're not always guaranteed the weather. I can't drive at the age of 34 so still have to rely on lifts like a teenager to get to work etc. Public transport is diabolical here. Local buses finish about 7 in the evening and forget going out on a Sunday! Most parks are smashed to shit.
I have a lovely garden, but you'd think I kept wild lions out there. Getting my two out and in the garden is like pulling teeth. Half the time I go out there alone, or give up and stay in too.
Like I said, it is 99% white British here, so naturally most people are openly racist, very bigoted and not at all open minded.
My husband however, grew up in London and despite the area he grew up in now being a bit of a dump apparently, I was always quite jealous hearing how he could be on the tube and into the city centre within 20 minutes.
The thought of having museums, galleries, parks, amazing architecture and the rest on my multicultural doorstep has always made my head spin. I'd love to live somewhere like that. If I won a substantial sum of money, I'd buy a place in London, and Paris. And just immerse my self in culture for months at a time. I am very envious of your DS :)
So no, you are definitely NBU!
Tell MIL to sit and spin!

@Thesearepearls

I read your posts and all I could hear was Stanley Herbert giving it, 'We are considerably richer than you!'

Blackberries and beans and bird song, Oh My!

I personally believe it is better for children to be exposed to city life and mixed with all walks of life from a young age than live in a remote village in middle white British class wrapped in cotton wool, with a carbon copy life, trainers, new build and car.

Given that I am mixed race and my children are mixed race I don't believe that we live in a middle class white british class wrapped in cotton wool.

I don't live in a new build, I live in a house of honey-coloured stone which was quarried locally. It is a house that is built with love (I do know the builder).

I have no clue what the trainers have to do with this. I do know that both kids have trainers and I do too

I have a car. My DH has a car. He is disabled and needs his car given that he cannot walk more than 100 metres. I have a car because I need it for my work.

Dunno what the car/trainers/new build point is trying to make. I suspect it's a dimwit

We drove through the south of London, West to East, recently at 4am. Foxes ? Heaving with them. We have nightly fox screech arguments outside our house in SW London but hadn’t quite realised they were marshalling armies to take over the city. Grew up in the country and barely saw any. And my DH refers to the predawn as Bird Yell.

You own a flat in the greatest city on Earth! End of!!!

I don't think it is because of jealousy though - they like where they live and their lifestyle, just as you like yours

I agree! It was not me who said they were jealous. MIL certainly isn't jealous, simply bemused that others might enjoy living in a different way to her.