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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

320 replies

Jackfruitburger · 11/08/2018 08:47

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 11/08/2018 11:58

Why would he not go on the family holiday? That's just weird.

I think compromise. Do you really need wine at all? DH and I like a drink but don't tend to drink at home. Yes, make own lunch. Still go a holiday but maybe not abroad. You have to have some enjoyment.

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 11:59

LipstickHandbagCoffee I’ll ask my friend where she got it! It was a birthday present Grin

Haha I love her turn of phrase, no airs and graces, no prevarication or bullshit. She’s awesome!

wafflyversatile · 11/08/2018 12:01

I think you can compromise on the saving so much for a year or two. Accept that they will be expensive years so you can't save quite so much.

Other than that I think you are right about having a budget with essentials including an agreed joint savings then you both get equal share to spend or save as you wish.

You are different people with different attitudes to money and neither of you are likely to change much so that is fairest.

MaryDollNesbitt · 11/08/2018 12:03

Haven't RTFT, but ...

Three bottles of wine a week. Let's say he's buying the bottles on offer at a fiver. That £15 per week. If it's every week, that's £780 a year. That's without added booze costs incurred by possible nights out, Christmas/New Year, birthdays, etc. I wouldn't be at all happy if a partner of mine was pissing £780 a year down the toilet on wine.

Pointless bought lunches. Let's say at the very least he's buying a £3 meal deal every day, Monday-Friday. That's another £15 a week. Factor in AL, which we'll just round to six weeks for easy figures, that's £690 a year.

As a rough bare minimum, your partner is wasting £1,470 a year on wine and lunches. If you need to find an additional £3,600 a year for your mortgage, I'd say asking him to sack off the wine and lunches is actually a bloody good start. To find the remaining £2,130 a year, I think your DP is absolutely right to suggest cutting out family holidays for the next year or two - at least until your nursery costs have lessened. You've mentioned living in a beautiful part of the country, so I'd be making a lot of (free) use of the parks, nature walks, bike rides, etc.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:09

I’d love to hangout with Mhairi Black she seems normal & funny
Bet she’s Chips and curry sauce lassie

YeTalkShiteHen · 11/08/2018 12:10

Apparently she brings crates of Bru down to London when she’s there too Grin

I do love chips and curry sauce, I had some last night!

Bluelady · 11/08/2018 12:10

Eating a 22p lunch and saving for retirement? At that rate you'll probably never need those savings, OP. Just knock the savings on the head until you don't have childcare cots any more. And, for God's sake get your hair cut. If I was being fed lentil dahl, I'd be buying lunch too. Two glasses of wine a day has really brought all the puritans out of the woodwork!

StopAndChat · 11/08/2018 12:11

Everyone loves a martyr Grin

Seems strange to discuss this AFTER getting the morgage rather than before.

Sounds like miserable existence OP, as you have already stated but I'm at a loss to understand why YOU get to keep your holidays. Surely that'd be the first to go, especially if it's only for a couple of years.

I'd be buying lunch as well if lentil dahl is on the menu at home.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:13

Aww now, lentil Dahl and paneer is awesome

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 12:16

I can't believe the thrashing the OP is getting. And the handmaiden comments like, 'If I were serving up lentil dahl for tea my H would eat expensive lunches, too.' He's capable of cooking something else himself then! Or 'get him a fancy flask!' He's an adult, he can manage to put together his own lunch.

As for 3 bottles of wine a week being 'the odd bottle of wine', words fail. That's likely in the region of 30 unites a week and easily £20+ pounds.

OP, personally I wouldn't make such a huge purchase just now and would stay put because you two don't seem to be able to compromise on finances at all.

He seems very entitled.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:18

Agreed,op is being sensible and he’s necking three bottles wine min £18pw

PurpleCrowbar · 11/08/2018 12:22

Two glasses of wine a night sounds quite modest & sensible to me!

I think OP & dh need to raise their packed lunch game. Make delicious homemade soup & tasty sandwiches & salads.

Apart from anything, once the dc start school, Cuppasoup won't do for their lunches, & school dinners are both expensive & shite - so I'd be working on the 'decent pack up' skills NOW.

Poptart4 · 11/08/2018 12:22

My partner is a spender while im a saver. Because of this we split the bills and then have separate spending money. You should seriously consider this.

From what I've gathered from your posts, you don't need to cut back to survive but you want to cut back to save for the future. Please correct me if im wrong on this.

If im right then you really need to give your head a wobble op. I agree on saving for the future but just save less for now. A cup of soup for lunch just so you can save a couple of quid is miserly and being a martyr. Surely a homemade cheese and ham sandwich wouldn't break the bank.

A weeks shop in Aldi would provide you with a proper dinner without breaking the bank. You can live frugally without starving yourselves.

As others have said life is for living and you sound miserable to live with.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:23

Funnily enough mn usually loves competitive thrift.22p on lunch?pah that’s profligate
Surprised no one suggested Mn chicken,feeds 15 for 4day,make soup and risotto,and sandwiches
Or the wholly equally disgusting gammon cooked in cola. A right treat that is
The competitive spenders must be out eyeing a bargain to have missed feed the family for 12p a day

harshbuttrue1980 · 11/08/2018 12:24

What a horrible life just to have a bigger house.

Your kids are of an age where they won't remember posh holidays, so I'm assuming that the holidays are mainly for you. Some people (me included) don't really care about holidays, but would prefer to have little luxuries on a day to day basis rather than living close to the bone for 50 weeks and then splurging for 2 weeks.

You sound very much like you have decided you want a bigger house and you want your DH to make all the sacrifices. Have a weekend away instead of a holiday, and he has bought lunch twice a week instead of 5 days a week and cuts down one of his bottles of wine a week. Compromise!!

Jojobythesea · 11/08/2018 12:25

Bluelady GrinGrin exactly what I was thinking

category12 · 11/08/2018 12:26

To me it's a case of him possibly reacting against an austerity regime at home that he doesn't agree with, not a sexist thing of "ugg man need meat" Grin.

He doesn't want to give up buying lunches and wine. So if you're going to make it palatable to him to make savings that way, it's got to have some silver lining - so yeah, since OP is pushing for that, it's not much of a stretch for her to get some nice stuff in and make them both decent packed lunches. Sure he could make his own, but he doesn't bloody want to.

flamingofridays · 11/08/2018 12:27

Two glasses of wine a night sounds quite modest & sensible to me!

See to me drinking every night suggests a problem

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:28

Nightly alcohol modest & sensible ?not at all.
I’d consider that too much

Poptart4 · 11/08/2018 12:31

@lipstick its far healthier to have 2 glasses of wine per night than to not drink all week then binge drink on the weekend.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:34

Depends on the glass and I fall into neither category

LeftRightCentre · 11/08/2018 12:35

Funnily enough mn usually loves competitive thrift.22p on lunch?pah that’s profligate

Or you get the people with eating disorders to come and tell you a cup of soup and rice cakes are far too many calories and ask the OP's BMI.

@lipstick its far healthier to have 2 glasses of wine per night than to not drink all week then binge drink on the weekend.

It's really not healthy to drink every night. Or 3 bottles of wine a week.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/08/2018 12:36

Nightly drinking is not healthy or recommend at all
Liver is capable of restoration but nightly drinking puts a cumulative strain

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/08/2018 12:37

Does he really want the family to do without holidays so he can eat a panini everyday?

Totally this ^^- what Spirited said.

Give him a tomato and a slice of bread and let him make his own.

Tutlefru · 11/08/2018 12:39

I find it strange he doesn't want to go on holiday with his family. Confused

My dad used to do the same and I still remember getting upset on the train as we were waving bye. Angry

Eating out can be so expensive there is no way I'd do that every single day.

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