To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

[Jackfruitburger]

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

Not rtft.

We moved house not long ago and had a similar rise on monthly mortgage payments. Plus council tax, house and life insurance etc all rose. We started using the YNAB app. Through this it became obvious where we were wasting money. DP started taking packed lunches on half his work days instead of none of them. Most of my clothes since moving have been secondhand (about half my clothes were anyway, but now most are). We are having much cheaper holidays. So a bit of compromise all round, but a budgeting app is a great way of making sure everyone on the family gets their fair share of money to spend on fun stuff. We have categories we allocate money to at the start of the month. Stuff like 'mortgage', 'mobile phones', 'gym', 'hairdressers', 'the kids' etc. One category is 'Polly's fun money', another is 'DH's fun money'. We both have the same amount of money for fun. We can spend it however we like, but once it's gone it's gone until next month, and the amount allocated to fun is realistic given our income and our financial commitments. My DH has been know to blow his work lunch budget in the first half of the month and have to take packed lunches every day for the rest of the month - totally his choice. I've done similar with my fun budget. The point is we don't go over out monthly limits and can see where money has gone.

Do you manage the finances? Does he understand the family budget? I am the big earner and budgeter in our family and I have to actively remember to keep DH in the loop. Our financial approach is similar but I do have a tendency to make plans for us all that I have to keep in check and make sure DH has a voice.

could he get lunch out on a friday and do his own lunches the rest of the time, so he doesnt feel deprived.
I think depriving yourself of everything that makes life fun/bearable is not the way to go. Swapping for cheaper things or nice things less often is much more sustainable

Frankly OP, you're screwed. If the most you can cut from the weekly budget is under £100, you'll lose the new house when the rates go up

That is so presumptuous 😂😂😂😂

flamingo what's presumptious about it?

Mn would go bonkers if a woman posted on here that her partner wanted to control her day to day spending

I agree. OP you said that he didn’t justify himself and that if he did you’d listen.

I rather suspect you wouldn’t. Because whichever way you look at it, you’re trying to micro manage everything so you can get what you want (the holidays) even if it means him giving up his luxuries.

If you were a man MN would have handed your arse to you.

@YeTalkShiteHen - basically this. I honestly think the op is going to need to think hard about whether she can meet her savings goals if one house hold splits into two. I don't know many people who can tolerate being treated like that.

I wondered the same Stirner, I know I couldn’t. It’s only compromise if it’s fair, not forced by one. That’s not compromising, it’s controlling.

@YeTalkShiteHen - I honestly think the new house was driven by the op. Earlier she said her partner wasn't going on their next holiday so it sounds like he's being asked to give up his pleasures so she can go on holidays he's not going on.

Tbh I would feel the same as the Op. I think her husband is being completely selfish. No one needs to buy sandwiches everyday for work. Or drink 3 bottles of wine to themselves every week. Especially when money is tight. It is needlessly expensive and not good for their health.

Making your own lunch is easy. Having 1 glass of wine (6 glasses in a bottle so nearly a weeks worth there) with a meal is fine for a complete wine lover. Not having wine everyday is good. Trying other cheaper drinks like beer is also fine for a 'connoisseur'.

I just think compromise is key in any relationship and I’m not getting that from OP at all. It’s almost like her frugality is being used as a stick to beat him with, which makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

Op just sounds completely frustrated with him, to me. Not particularly controlling.

@slowrun - it's frustrating when you don't get your own way.

@YeTalkShiteHen - ye talk sense, hen.

No, it frustrating when somebody will not see sense and listen to reason. Even when it means they are harming their own health in the process. Even when their spending means other people have to go without. That man is simply paying his way into ill health and obesity. Literally throwing money down his gullet.

Clionba why thank you, it’s not often I’m told that

I think it is more likely to be priority mismatch rather than selfishness or controlling behaviour. They haven’t actually sat down and worked out what matters to each of them and how they can both get a bit of what they want.
I think they should both set out some goals and find a way to meet them so both feel comfortable.

slowrun OP isn’t worried about his health, she’s pissed off he won’t do as he’s told.

I can virtually guarantee that if she’d made the thread title “DHs diet is so unhealthy and I’m worried about him” it would have gone a very different way!

Well, I would be concerned about his health.

So you are semi-starving on rice cake and powdered soup and you want to make sure your H similarly cuts any joy or pleasure (foodwise) from his live?

Yeah. No

slowrun I would too. But that’s not what OP said.

Though I manage to eat much better than having rice cakes and packet soup for lunch,

Slow run, she wants him to make changes so she can save. They're not short of money, she just wants to squirrel it all away.

Eating on the cheap doesn’t mean having to go on a starvation diet. OP apparently works in the NHS and presumably knows this.

Hence me thinking it’s a stick to figuratively beat her DH with rather than actual need.

@Peanutbuttercups21 ffs I'm not saying he needs to eat that. Just make a sandwich everyday. We do a weekly shop, here's a list of sandwich fillings he could have based on what we have in the house right now;

Pesto chicken
Brie and mango chutney
Veggie sausage, mustard and gherkin
Marmite and cheese
Brie and grape
Cheese and onion crisps and mayo!

It's not the workhouse. Just don't spend a tenner a day.

No she wants to spend. Like on holidays. He would enjoy a good packed lunch. Drinking less would cost less and be good for his health. What they save on the stuff he is eating and drinking could be spent on lots of things. He might like some technology for example. Instead of him eating up all the spare money.