To refuse to sacrifice my holidays

[Jackfruitburger]

We are moving into a bigger house next week which will cost an extra £300 in mortgage payments monthly. We are obviously going to have to make some cut backs.
Here's what I think dp should stop;
Buying a bottle of wine 3 times a week
Buying lunch out every day
Here's what dp has suggested we stop;
Holidays (all, even in the UK, camping etc)

I think that what I'm asking is reasonable as it doesn't contribute to the overall happiness of the house. I've already said I'll buy all our clothes secondhand and switch to Aldi/Lidl and we're getting rid of Virgin. I spend 22p a day on my lunch and haven't had a professional hair cut in ten years. I don't want to give up the one bit of happiness I have left!

I think the real concern is why is he drinking 3 bottles of wine a week

Other thing is if he switches from wine to bottled beer, that is also cheaper. And often less units.

Sorry I was out, enjoying my miserable existence The kids and I went to the park and I even bought them a £2 ice cream because I'm not Scrooge, just want to enjoy things that matter.
The truth is that my grandparents are very well off, all self made. My grandad took ham or cheese sandwiches and a flask of coffee when he was on a six figure salary. This is the reason that I want to save for my future, because if my children turn to me, upset as renting means that they'll never be able to own their own home or live close to family and friends, I want to be able to help them. I don't want to turn to them and say 'I don't have the money because your dad liked a freshly made sandwich every day rather than a homemade one in a lunchbox.'
I'm not saying we can't ever treat ourselves, but I don't like that he is wasteful with money. Buying a sandwich everyday or a pasty or an extremely over priced coffee is wasteful. Buying wine when you don't even enjoy it because you're so tired and you fall asleep with it in your hand is wasteful. I'm not saying that we don't ever spend any money but if we are going to spend it then we'd better agree that it's worth it.

On reflection I think that there is pressure due to house move which is costly, not knowing what costs and bills will be at new property, paying for childcare. Therefore things like wine and holidays become luxuries. I would suggest move house and keep tabs on the budget. After a few months reassess if you can afford luxuries

I'm not saying that we don't ever spend any money but if we are going to spend it then we'd better agree that it's worth it

Isn’t the whole point of the thread that you disagree?

@YeTalkShiteHen he can't justify his spending, apart from 'I don't like soggy sandwiches.' If he could justify his choices I'd listen.

But he does not have to have 'soggy sandwiches'. With a food flask he could have something hot. With lunch box that keeps cool he could have a salad. He could go traditional and take a pie, if he really wanted. Or could make samosas.

I actually think I'd he started being more concerned for his health he might get more interested in home-prepared food. It's more easily adapted to whatever nutritional needs someone might have. Fitbit is great IMO. You can log each food, it has a huge data base and it will give you nutritional info and compare it to the calories you have burnt. Packed lunches are just so convenient. Gives you more time to go for a walk or run as lunch is sorted.

Maybe all go out for a picnic one weekend? So he can see how good packed up food can be.

Agh sorry to disappoint but my own dhal recipe is probably not up to mumsnet standards - it's my MIL that makes a bloody good one.

Mine is still nice although it's probably completely non-authentic and was taken from a baby weaning recipe but I just add spices, or coconut milk or even chicken when I fancy it (so probably not strictly dhal)

It's just frying onion, garlic, diced potato or sweet potato, then adding spices (turmeric, cumin, curry powder, coriander - whatever you feel like) then stir in lentils and around 400ml of water. Boil then simmer, about 30 mins, then add some tomato puree and spinach (and coconut milk if you feel like it) for about another 5 mins. Toddler loves it.

Buying a sandwich everyday or a pasty or an extremely over priced coffee is wasteful
Completely agree,plus make your own food you know what is in it
I’m not sure why you’re getting a hard time tbh

And then he could make sandwich shop style sandwiches.

Mayo & curry paste plus chopped chicken breast and salad.
Hummus, salad and olives in pitta
Coleslaw and stilton
Grated strong cheddar and pickle

Wrapping in foil and storing in fridge after making the night before keeps them lovely and cool.

Op's probably brow beaten the poor sod into the move and now wants him to give up the few pleasures he has left. Hell no.

'Poor sod'? Purlease!!!! Are talking about a grown man here?

Does he understand why you want him to change his lunch habits and wine consumption? It may be a bit abstract to him. He may be feeling why do I have to give up my pleasure now for some intangible benefit in the future.
I would set up a budget that includes saving up for things that matter to him too.
e.g. 4 pots
Mortgage
Children
Holidays
DH savings goal

That way he has a more tangible reason for making changes. Paying off the mortgage or saving for the children are so long term that they can feel a bit abstract.

Why don't you sort out the budget, include some for his food, some for holiday and some for you...

@slowrun the op's made it completely clear that she thinks he should "justify" his spending choices and then makes comparisons with her "self made" grandparents. Poor sod is apt.

@Stirner what a warped view of my life! For the record, I earn more money than my dp. We've chosen to move to a house that will cut his commute in half and double mine. I'm moving jobs so I can progress faster and earn more money. I've put in all of the deposit. He literally just has to show up at the solicitors, sign the papers and pay half the mortgage. All I'm asking is that he cuts back on a few things. Eat out once a week, drink less wine, stop buying things in the corner shop that I could buy for a third of the price in a bigger supermarket. He's not that hard done by!

I really fancy a saussage roll now!

In your position we started to make our own wine. From a kit it works out at £1.10 a bottle. You have a bit of outlay at the start on the bins to make it in, but we will always do it now. We don't even bottle it, we syphon it into a carafe.

We stopped eating out. Lunch was sandwich and a flask. I didn't buy coffee out for 3 years.

The one thing we refused to stop was our holiday. We ate at home (in the apartment) more, but always went even when we were at our lowest financial ebb. It was our absolute priority.

@Jackfruitburger - ahh so because you earn more you get more of a say over the finances? I wonder what MN would have to say about that if the sexes were reversed.

Mn would go bonkers if a womon posted on here that her partner wanted to control her day to day spending.

Well, what about all going out on a family picnic, somewhere nice, op? Make a fancy one, food wise, and it might give him some ideas. Maybe include a bit of nice wine .

It's all a bit clearer now. OP, you've funded the deposit, are going to be the higher earner and come from a wealthy family. Your husband sees all that, and thinks, why can't I have a nice lunch and drink wine in the evening? We're well off! He doesn't see that you don't go to the hairdresser and buy second hand clothes. It's a totally different mindset.

OP I am with you. Lunches out at work are a total waste of money. I buy a loaf of wholemeal bread and have a cheese sandwich home made, or have leftovers from the evening meal. I also take a flask of tea.

You should each have the same amount of money to spend on extras. If he wants money for lunches out, then he could have that for half a week and the other half of the week you save money for a holiday just for you.

Swaps can be easier than going cold turkey. If he got a taste for beers a lot of them are much cheaper than wine. Still a bit of a treat.