To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

@Peakypush what hours will you actually be out the house?

I leave at 7.30, get to work at 9.05, leave at 4.20 and get home at 6.15. This works for us in terms of nursery, it may not sound like it but I put the hours in at work, I work at home at least once a week, get a shed load done and am happy to work in the evening (I am single and have nothing better to do in the evening ...).

I am a better parent for working, my commute is bike, train, walk so about 35 mins of it is under my own steam and I love sitting on the train reading my book. I am not in a position not to work but even if I were I would still do so. My DS and I have an hour in the morning and an hour at night. It's not perfect but it works and it could for you too. No harm in applying in my opinion. You may find they're more flexible than you think.

I’ve missed sports day,plays and I’ve been asked about it,but no father ever gets asked
I’ve had the head tilt,the disapproval.Tutty face
I always ask where their dp is,to be told he’s super busy at work etc.same as me then

I’m not judging you in any way but personally I couldn’t do it.
I was in a very privileged position when the dc were growing up. I didn’t have to work and chose not to. Being able to be there, doing school runs, tea, homework, bath time, sports day, bedtime story etc meant such a lot.
It’s time you will never get back.
I do understand that staying at home can be a bit mind numbing and of course being a strong, professional woman is a good role model but I will always cherish the years we had together.

I don’t need time back,I haven’t lost anything. I’m around when I’m not working
My kids are loved,held in regard,and that’s not impaired by having two working parents
Parenting isn’t a who gave up the most competition. Who’s been to most play,sport day,etc

I’m not saying it’s a competition. That was my choice. I actually really enjoyed school plays and sports days.
Op says that the new job would mean she would only see dc for an hour before bedtime Monday to Friday. I would have hated that.

I wouldn’t.

They are little for such such a short amount of time. Your career is VERY important but do you want to regret missing out on their baby/toddler years for a job? I do know someone who went back to work very soon and tells everyone now how much she regrets it.

I would also hate the idea of my children barely seeing either parent. If your husband was a SAHP and was thinking of going back full time even though you already were, I’d say the same. I think it’s too much having both parents in incredibly full time and demanding jobs with two very young children/babies.

Not the right time. (And I am a SAHM to 2 not in pre school yet children so do understand the bad days feeling).

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate the input. I had a discussion about it with DP tonight, no decisions made though as the baby woke up! Will pick up where we left off tomorrow.

@DianaPrincessOfThemyscira not guilt of earning money. More guilt of having to say no I can't come to the third violin concert of the term or you having your friends over for tea after school. You should never feel guilty if your family depends on the money.

I’m not judging you in any way... It’s time you will never get back.

Do you see the contradiction?

@Towelonthedoor

Should you feel guilty if your family don't need the money, you just want to work??

We don’t need the money we'll not be in penury. I want to work,I chose it
And my dp we share pick up/drop offs.he doesn’t get priority because he’s a man
Work is about more than Monet,it’s what I trained for,it’s stimulating,it suits me
I need more than solely being mum.that in itself its not enough

Haven’t read the full thread....

It’s not selfish to want to work but I do think it would be a huge upheaval for the children to go from having their mum with them all the time to then barely seeing her.

When I went back to work after my 1st child I cut my hours back because I didn’t want to only see him for a few hours on the four days I worked. I’ve since had a second child and have just returned to work - I have reduced my hours further so I only work two days a week. My children are 4.5 years and 11 months.

My husband only sees the children for two hours a day when he gets home from work and he hates it. He hates that he misses out so much and would love to be able to spend more time with them.

Personally I couldn’t imagine being away from my children all day, every day, mainly because I would miss them but also because I want to be their main career on a day to day basis and that’s how I want them to see me.

When I was growing up my mom worked full time and I went to a childminder. When I look back on my childhood I have so many memories of all the fun things I did with the childminder and lots of memories of places I went to with her etc, but I have very, very few memories of spending time with my mom which makes me sad. I have always know that I wanted different for my children.

You are clearly in the thick of it at the moment and I can completely understand why returning to work is very, very appealing to you, but I do think you need to take stock and ask yourself if five years down the line are you going to regret having missed out on these early years.

It’s absolutely your decision what you want to do and there is no wrong or right answer but just be sure it’s not something you’re going to regret

@pinkcardi not saying you should feel guilty but I do...

I think it seems like far too much, your children are so young. I work 4 days a week with a 4 year old at a childminders 8.30-4 (though when he was 1-3 I only did 2 or 3 days) so am in no way judging working mums.

However his childminder is down the road from my home, my job and my sons school when he starts in Sept so it doesn't feel like he is far away from me in an emergency.

You have only just started to look so keep looking, I am sure you are a clever lady and the right job with the right hours and right location will come up if you are patient!

Also can I just add just think of your day to day life, how manic it would be - wake up sort out breakfast for 2 kids, get ready and look presentable enough to go to work all day in a corporate environment (ie actually wearing makeup ahh), get kids ready, lunches packed, bags sorted, get them to wherever their childcare place is, then drive stupid hours to work. Work all day. Pick up children from childcare provider (will you even find one that works till bedtime), sort out their bedtime routine, put them to bed, make dinner for you and your DH, make sure all the chores are done.

I briefly touched on it but have you thought about practical childcare arrangements? Who is nearby that will have your child at 7am (probably no one is open so early) and have them till 6/7pm presuming your husband can pick them up after work (will he want to) or yourself on time. You are also probably needing your kids to be up and out of bed at 5.30am to accommodate this to get the necessary done in the morning.

If you cannot find anywhere to fulfill the above, you will need a nanny or an au pair. Their rates vary but when a friend of mine looked they either wanted room and board + £200-400 pw (there was a range) or to live out of the home and be there 7am-7pm every day was about £180-200 per day (£12 an hour - £16). This was not in london by the way, it was the south coast in a town not a city.

Almost all my friends work outside the home, most do fairly long hours (one is a solicitor who works in a different country for 3 days a week for example). For us, it's just life. We took our maternity leave then went back to work when our babies were 6-12 months. Some of may friends have nannies (especially the ones with travel involved) but most of us use a childminder or nursery. I personally couldn't be a SAHM - I'm a much better parent when I also get to go out to work and progress my career

Is there likely to be any flexibility with the role? Most companies are very good at that now. I work condensed hours so have Fridays off and am about to start doing 2 short days and 3 long days to manage my oldest starting school.

Definitely apply. You don't need to decide anything unless you get offered the job and by that time your mind might be clearer

Is there any

There's no harm in applying for it. You may find in the interview that they are a little more flexible with hours. Working full time will be hard, you will miss alot of things especially when they start school with assemblies, open days, plays etc... But if there is some flexibility in the job that would make it easier.

Apply for the job! You can always withdraw it at any stage of the application process.

I've worked part time evenings since eldest was 2 and DS2 was born. He's 3 now. I've honestly got to the point now where I'm fed up and miserable and want something for myself. Being home all day and then working all night leaves absolutely nothing for me! I'm going back full time soon.

I don't feel guilty. DS1 is in full time school now and DS2 is at nursery. They need me less and I'm not going to be as miserable moping around at home all day. I'm wish I'd gone back full time sooner, although frankly we couldn't justify it financially until now when DS2 gets his 30 free hours.

It's easy to tell a parent of someone else's children to go back to work. OP, no one here knows your children. They're not like other posters' kids necessarily - they are themselves and only you can make an educated guess about how they will handle it.

Zero respect for posters saying she should just go for it because obviously her DP is working. Children come first. Once you have children, all decisions by both parents should be based on what's best for the children overall (eg. if both parents need to work to stay sane then that is better for the children). Their rights come first.

The only certainty here is that if you dont' apply for the job you won't get it

Apply, see if you are offered and then consider the practicalities

It sounds like you want the job. Or another one. Please apply! Remember you don't have to take it if you're offered. You will have a much better idea of whether you fancy it or not. You can also counter offer to wfh one or two days a week if possible or condensed hours etc. And nothing is set in stone! If you take the job and find you miss your children too much you can always change your hours or quit (albeit if you did this after a xouple of months it wouldn't look great). At the very least it will give you contacts and practice.

I think there are positives and negatives of being in nursery and being at home for kids. You will have less time with them but it might be more quality time - as there will be less cleaning and tidying and cooking etc

Anyway good luck!

I see a lot of advice that op(mother) ask for flexibility and warnings about missing stuff
Can’t see the same themes resonating regard the dad asking for flexibility or warnings about missing stuff

Absolutely apply for it considering he is DP not DH. I am married with a child myself but you are putting yourself and your DC in a vulnerable position at the moment, IMO. Even if you were married I would say apply, you can always turn it down if the job is offered.

chunky, the children have two parents who are both capable of sorting out breakfast, doing packed lunches and bags, sorting out bedtime, making dinner and doing the chores.

Just going to echo what @heartsease68 said a couple of posts up ^^

Kids must come first. Both their physical and emotional needs (not their wants) have to be met. So if you do go back full time and their father is also full time, their primary caregiver will be the nanny and that is who they will be having their needs met by. It's who will probably do things "first" with them like first steps etc. Are you happy with that? (Some people are, some people aren't, think about which one you are).

Your wellbeing is also important, and work can give us great life satisfaction as well as financial stability. However could this be attained in another way? Are there other jobs similar that don't have the long hours attached?

Do you meet with other adults regularly so you're not just surrounded by nappies/feeding (and particularly if your DP is away working)?

[What I would do isn't really relevant, as we are not the same people. I think it's a good sign though that you are exploring not just the reality but also your feelings about it.]