To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

I’d take the job. Staying at home isn’t for everyone. If you’re bored and unstimatwd I doubt it’s a stimulating environment for your kids either.

What heartease wrote is hallmark channel schlock.its all about the children...boak
Actually children needs are quite rudimentary,fed,warm,attended to
My kids don’t fill the fridge,pay a mortgage,give me complete fulfilment.work does
And they aren’t little deities whom are indulged and their needs trump my needs.
we are a family,were needs are mutual and negotiated seeking a balance
So no the children don’t absolutely come first with no restrictions. There’s a balance of what suits everyone

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I feel sorry for your children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I would add to my last comment that you clearly didn't read my post. I didn't suggest children are little deities or that there shouldn't be 'a balance' in emotional health. But once you have taken the decision to have children, the balance has to be intentionally tipped, to a certain extent, towards the well-being of the most vulnerable because they are still developing and have no power to defend their own corner. I find it pretty disgusting that you'd want to go ahead and have children yet wouldn't want to do that. It doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself. But there aren't equal rights. If you want that, don't have kids.

Oh fear not, I can save for their therapy bills all that working I do
1/10 You need to work on your pithy put downs. As bad as did you mean to be so rude
I may need to have a spa day or highlights to recover from your withering post
Or I’ll log it with 101

And if you really do find the idea of making your children's well-being so utterly repulsive, I fear you will need to start saving for that therapy now.

Take the job! Men aren’t called selfish or shamed for working, plus you’re not married, so vulnerable if you split as a SAHM.

children's well-being a priority

Oh yes I shall, I’ll put I a few more hours at work cover that expense

Only you can decide. What would you regret
most? Missing out on time spent with your DC or missing out on this particular job? Your enthusiasm for the job is clear to see, it sounds like you need fulfilment in your career, so, regardless of whether you go for this particular job, you could take this as a spur to find the right job for you.

I'm a SAHM, and I don't have the option to do anything else, because of of the attachment needs of my 2 adopted DDs, one of whom has SN. But you do have choices, and it's entirely your choice. Your DC will be fine either way.

I know I’m getting it right when I get the will no one think of the children type response
Feel sorry for my kids ✅
Why have them if you leave them with strangers all day✅
They’re only widdle ones for a short time✅
It’s only money ✅
No one lies on deathbed wishing they’d worked more✅

I did go back ft after both babies, I could’ve written your op, actually, I wish I’d had a part time or more flexible option than I did - I’d apply, but I’d try and get a do all your hours in 4 days or every other Friday off - negotiate flexibility if you get to the job offer stage.

You may do it for a year, and then also be in a good position to negotiate shorter hours too, I’ve done that twice as well.

She has a partner too,her dp can ask for flexible working,look for family friendly job
All the things suggested to op equally apply to the father
except he has cultural and social capital of not being asked or expected to step up,and he probably knows op is reticent to suggest he be more flexible

I don’t disagree lipstick, good point on the DH - and always like your POV on these threads - for me, just for me, i wanted more time with my kids, and easier to negotiate a bit of it upfront and set clear expectations

@QueenofmyPrinces
My husband only sees the children for two hours a day when he gets home from work and he hates it. He hates that he misses out so much and would love to be able to spend more time with them.

Well, he would be able to spend more time with them if he cut down his hours a bit, just like you did.

@heartsease68

The children have two parents. Both are capable of childcare.

The emphasis is habitually on how women find a flexible,family friendly solution
I hardly ever read a thread we’re a man is berated for working,reprimanded for misssing events
This is the problem.cultural/social acceptance that if someone is making a change, giving something up,it’s the woman

Go girl - use your brain

Some mums aren’t meant to be SAHM- myself included OP. When me and DH started talking about kids, I told him I would have them but I would never be a SAHM or give up on my own life.

I run my own business and work from home, but DD still goes to full time nursery apart from a Friday when she spends the day with my mum. It keeps me sane- I couldn’t be with her constantly the 13 hours a day she’s awake day in day out. I ADORE her and I’m a damn good parent- but I’d loose my marbles.

Honestly don’t think I’ll regret it- having precious time with her is much more valuable IMO

Yep totally agree about the social opprobrium, there should be more for men never at all the billion school events, on the pta or at fundraising events etc etc.

Until the revolution arrives though, if you’re married to a DH you know is only going to step up in the way of hiring a nanny, and also you personally would like to see more of your kids, you have to work within your constraints.

@peachnuts
I'd say it's the quality of the time together that counts, not quantity.

As someone who knows what it’s like to have a mother who was rarely around, please don’t. I won’t bore you with exact details as the experience is unique to each child who’s gone through this. If you don’t have to go back to work, perhaps start a home business?? I do understand what it must feel like not to have the opportunity to use skills you’ve trained for.

Not judging you in the slightest.

Wishing the best outcome for you and your family.

I miss working. I really do. I miss socialising with other adults. I miss challenging my brain. I miss even listening to music on my daily commute.

However, my time with my 14 month old will not last long until he will be going to school. It's challenging at times but I know I will not get this time back.

For me, jobs will come and go and there will always be opportunities. I even have the option to work from home.

For me, this is a temporary delay in my career.

Ultimately, you need to decide what matters to you most, I guess? Time and memories with your children (as you have the option to do it) or a bit of sanity having a career?

Well clearly on mn when it’s mums it’s quantity,can’t leave kids that long
Whereas dads it’s quality,dad Sees kids hour or so before bed,he’s a Great dad

My mother worked.

It was fine.