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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a job where I won't see my DC

415 replies

Peakypush · 09/08/2018 15:32

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

OP posts:
Stupomax · 09/08/2018 18:50

Great post @Kolo.

Lacymacy123 · 09/08/2018 18:50

Actually on second thoughts go for the job. If you are having problems with your partner and you are unsure whether you will stay with him, then definitely take the job. You need yo be financially secure

Lacymacy123 · 09/08/2018 18:54

stupomax my grammer may not be on point but you do not have to be a bully about it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2018 18:56

Lacy
How many men have you said the same thing too? How many men get told they shouldn't have had children when they walk out of the door to go to work 2 days after the baby is born,

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/08/2018 19:02

6 am is quite an early start.... given your DH has a variable commute anyway, if you got the job, would you consider moving closer to work? Easier now before your children start school.

You have to have the 'How do we share illness cover' conversation, these children are joint responsibilities. (Though having a nanny gets round this as nanny will look after sick children though you have to think about what happens if the nanny is ill but this is rarer)

If your DH is self employed, can he scale his business / buy in help to shoulder the burden. OK, his profitability might suffer and it might have an impact on his business but your career has already taken a hit and will take time to get back on track and nd arguably, you will always be looked upon as someone with childcare responsibilities whereas the question rarely comes up for men. Also, in the long term, having two careers at 80% is more stable than one at 100% and will.most probably make more financial sense in the long run.

Catquest1 · 09/08/2018 19:04

I recently applied for a job that for the first time in a long time gave me that fire of excitement. The hours and commute weren't ideal but the job was brilliant and absolutely what i have always wanted to do. I wasn't sure what i would decide if I got it but i knew exactly what i was going to do when they called to offer it.

You have nothing to lose by applying. No point in worrying about something that might not even happen and the interview experience will be good. If its meant to be it will be.

GogoGobo · 09/08/2018 19:07

The bottom line is the longer you are out of the workplace the harder it will be to secure a job so I would go for it.You can always request flexible working once you have settled into the role and bedded in a bit. Or your DH can ask for some now so there is more time with a parent in a daily basis for your DC. If money isn’t a big issue I would 100 percent go for a qualified Nanny. If you live rurally it will give you a little more flexibility if you have commute/workload issues. Good luck

Stupomax · 09/08/2018 19:07

stupomax my grammer may not be on point but you do not have to be a bully about it.

It's horrible when people judge you isn't it?

notsohippychick · 09/08/2018 19:12

I wouldn’t do it. But that’s no judgement if you want to.

It’s just I don’t think I’d like to look back and feel I’ve missed out on things my children have done. I work from home simply because I can work around the children and that suits me fine. I’ll never be a millionaire but that’s ok.

Lacymacy123 · 09/08/2018 19:57

stupomax the OP is asking for our opinion and I gave mine. I did not ask you to comment on my grammer and besides what has my grammer got to do with anything.

Lacymacy123 · 09/08/2018 20:01

chazs Women do not need to scoop to mens level. At first glance I thought OP didn't need to work as financially comfortable, but as someone pointed out, she is having problems with her partner so in this case she should take the job inorder to have her own money for the future just incase.

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 20:07

I could never have done it, wouldn't even have considered it, but I'm a long term sahm and no amount of money or career prospects would have swayed me.
It's up to you and what is best for your family.
I think I'd have been jealous of nanny becoming mummy and being side lined with such little time with my child.

Original poster
Peakypush · 09/08/2018 20:07

Lacymacy123 to be fair that's probably the type of post I would have wrote before I had children. I always thought I would love to be a SAHM but I don't think you can know how having children will affect you until you actually do it.

OP posts:
Stupomax · 09/08/2018 20:09

stupomax the OP is asking for our opinion and I gave mine. I did not ask you to comment on my grammer and besides what has my grammer got to do with anything.

/sits on hands/

theSnuffster · 09/08/2018 20:11

I couldn't personally but don't judge those who would or do. Each to their own.

I have a poorly paid job because it works around my children and their school hours. It was important to me that I'm there for school runs etc and we are very lucky in that OHs wage covers the bills. We have to be careful and don't have much in the way of luxuries but that's fine.

I can't imagine I'll look back when I'm older and wish I'd worked more. On the other hand if I'd had to work full time from when they were babies, I know I personally would look back with regret. (That's just me, I can't speak for anyone else.)

LaPufalina · 09/08/2018 20:22

I'd like to go for a beer with stupomax Grin
OP I'd definitely apply for it; you'll know then if you have a proper dilemma! But I love that feeling when you see a dream job and get butterflies (I have my dream job btw!)
I would say that the only conflict my DH and I have had is over our DD's sickness, so definitely one to thrash out.

Twombly · 09/08/2018 20:25

My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home.

I thought this sentence was going to go on to say that he thinks once they're a year older it might be a better time for you to go back to work, but, no, he's banking on you being increasingly comfortable with the SAHM role even though you really really don't sound like someone who will ever be cut from this cloth. You're clearly intelligent, well educated and ambitious, and yet he's got much duller plans for you for some years to come. I would definitely go for the job, and look at nannies rather than nurseries as I think you're going to need someone at home who's supportive of your needs as a working mum. If you find you regret it, you can always go back to what you're doing now, whereas you may wait quite a while for the next opportunity to come along.

holidaylady · 09/08/2018 20:25

Apply.
When you get offered it then start discussing hours and days worked in office at home etc.

Towelonthedoor · 09/08/2018 20:31

Enjoy the time you have with your babies. I know from experience with 10 years as a SAHM, we all enjoyed the time we spent together. It also means I don't feel as guilty now I work full time as we spent those precious times together. If you don't need the money enjoy the freedom for the time being x

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/08/2018 20:32

Thu 09-Aug-18 17:48 This is how male parent privilege works,assumptions and op not wanting to upset him

Op assumes he won’t want to collect if sick,or share drop offs/pick up etc

so she forgoes her career ambition to avoid upsetting dp and he carries on own career unencumbered whilst she feel frustrated

XingMing · 09/08/2018 20:38

Small children are much over-rated as companions. Yes, I adored mine but I preferred children when they were older and able to do conversation. As I worked PT, I made very sure language skills were our priority, and now we never stop arguing... but happily and interestingly. I am sure you will find your way. This job has clearly fired your imagination and again, I think you should throw your hat into the ring, with the proviso that you might back away to PT when your parental input is really required. For us, with a nanny and a great settled nursery/prep environment from age 3, this didn't happen until Y9, when we chose a great school too far away and we couldn't hack the travel and the stress of 12-14 hour days. After that it took ages to wrestle back the compromises we should not have made.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/08/2018 21:41

@Towelonthedoor good for you, I’ve never felt the slightest bit guilty about earning a wage to support my family.

I’ve been bored at work and I’ve been bored at home. ‘Freedom’ is relative if you feel imprisoned at home.

And I totally agree this is male privilege. The only time a man ever wants to be the SAHP is when they feel like their partner is getting an easy ride. They certainly don’t wring their hands over it.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 09/08/2018 21:50

DP not DH?

OvertiredandConfused · 09/08/2018 21:56

I’d do it. If it doesn’t work, you can always quit. But, unless you plan on not working for a very long time, you will find getting back into the workplace and building up your credibility or seniority will probably give you more flexibility as your children get older. That’s how I managed to have a senior job and miss very few sports days, assemblies, plays etc. If I had delayed restarting my career for another five years then I doubt I would’ve reached that level of flexibility in time. Does that make sense?

allotmentgardener · 09/08/2018 22:05

I have 1 dc 16 months. I went back to work full time when he was 9 months. Husband worked away 3 days a week so I had to do it all and be very organised. I was still breast feeding too. How I did it I still don't know. My commute is 2 hours each way.
But I managed and I was soooo pleased to be back at work.
Now pg with number 2. I'll take a full year this time I think, but yeah I'll go back full time. I'm not there yet but I expect being organised is key.
Note, I get home at 6 have tea, play with dc, bath, story, bed. So I get about 1h 45 with them a night.

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