To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

It is completely up to you. Many people work ft and see their children very little during the week. I am a wohm and dh is now the sahd, we switched to share the role so that neither of our work histories were disadvantaged. Some weeks I do not see mine for 4 days of the week.

I think though when you make a decision like this it is worth knowing about research on type of childcare and early years development so that you make a fully informed choice, especially as the choice is not financial (although your mental wellbeing is more important in the grand scheme of things). this article is a good starting point.

Can’t you do something part time that’s not in your field but has some adults to work alongside? A shop or a cafe or something. Very sociable and will give you sometime away from the kids, rubbish money but you don’t need money. Definitely try that first. You’ll probably live until your 80plus. Is another 3-5 years that big a sacrifice to make?

She won't hand over to a random.

Right. But I think some people on here just imagine that those of us who work just fling our children at any random passing person and hope that our child is still alive at the end of day, when in reality we interview, check references, ask friends who they know that's good, keep on checking, look at Ofsted reports, use reputable agencies, get family to help, etc.

no one ever lies on their death bed and wishes they spent more time at work

I do not know about deathbed but I know women (more than 1 or 2) who’ve spent their 50s and 60s bitterly wishing they’d had careers or passions outside of the family and not given them all up decades earlier to be at home.

Not RTFT but you say DP: are you married? If not, who owns your home and has the money?

If you’re not married, the assets are DPs and you don’t have great legal agreements in place then SAH would be inadviseable.

Not sensible to live rurally/away from jobs in your preferred field(s) if you both prefer to WoH (for any reason).

at “I would actually rather have a committed, professional childcare worker look after them than my DP. I know how that sounds but it's the truth. He's brilliant with older children nieces, nephews etc. but it was evident from when we brought DD1 home from hospital that babies were not his strong suit.

It's clear from observing him that society and his upbringing have shaped his parenting style, but I definitely agree there's biological factors at work too.”

That’s bollocks about biological factors, and sexist. YOUR DP may be poor father: it’s not men in general. Why are you with someone who you don’t think is a decent parent?

Perhaps because you have no idea what kind of parent anyone is until you have a child with them? Maybe he's perfect in every other way? What a bloody stupid question.

I see the death bed scaenario is being trotted out as if it’s absolute fact

I have never discussed this on mn, it seems relevant
I worked with a colleague who unfortunately was terminally ill. We all used to visit, Take it it turns. That colleague literally reminisced by choice about work on their death bed,with colleagues and with family their family. They took great pride in career,what they’d contributed,their thoughts and recollections. So work wasn’t a distant thing it was very much integral and part of their life and death. To the extent work colleagues attended funeral at family request.

It’s not a stupid question: it’s true OP couldn’t have guessed whether her DP would be a good parenting. But she now knows he is poor, at least with babies/toddlers.

Not feeling confident to leave DC with their father when at work would be a deal-breaker for many.

Perhaps because you have no idea what kind of parent anyone is until you have a child - True, but this seems to apply to men only. Women who discover they would want to keep working after DC, should have never had them in the first place, as several posters have informed us.

A deal breaker when someone isn't great at something that's necessary for just a few years in a while life time. Yes, OK. No wonder the divorce rate's so high.

It's not a stupid question exactly, but it's a pointless one, as the OP already has DC with her DP. It's a question that's trotted out a lot on this boards, though, and it appears to be just a way to attack the OP.

If it is a deal breaker, that is your choice, but he would still be your DCs' dad, so he would be looking after your DC on his own and you would have to trust him. It can be a deal breaker for you as your DP, but as far as the DC are concerned, he will always be their dad.

Plenty of women ended relationships with the fathers of their DC because their exes were shit at sharing the parenting: it’s hardly ending a relationship on a whim.

men who are poor parents to babies and toddlers are unlikely to suddenly become great when their DC become “interesting” IME.

A key issue is whether OP is married / owns the assets.

As I said, plenty of sahd's supporting their wives in top jobs

That's a really good point, gilly. Think the NZ Prime Minister, Dame Helena Morrisey etc....

Thinking back, when I worked in the City, all the men with kids had a stay at home wife....but all the (admittedly few) women with kids had a stay at home husband. Apart from one, who openly admitted she paid her nanny a simply eye watering sum of money so as not to lose her. So not vastly unequal from that point of view.

It's not on a whim, it might be a good reason in theory. But how is it easier if she's parenting alone, having to take her DC over to him EOW, and having a new stepmum in the DCs' lives at some point? It becomes harder if anything. And if she doesn't trust him, how does it help her if he then has them on his own when she has no say whatsoever.