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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a job where I won't see my DC

415 replies

Peakypush · 09/08/2018 15:32

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

OP posts:
garbagegirl · 09/08/2018 16:46

Pressuredrip it's not selfish to want to work. Just because something doesn't fit with the traditional dynamic or how you would do it, it doesn't mean it's wrong or selfish.
There are better reasons to want a job than money.

Can I just also point out how shit it is that if this was a man being presented with this choice there would (still) be a totally different response. Would your partner take it OP?

GreenTulips · 09/08/2018 16:47

As your DH works long hours does he feel that he misses the children?

Apply for the job, if you get it then is the time to decide.

Plenty of woman work and commute and have great relationships with their children.

Think of the holidays you can have!

They are only little for a short while and mine can't remember the very early years and neither will yours.

Kiki275 · 09/08/2018 16:49

You can always resign if it doesn't meet expectations and return to being a SAHM, however you can't later accept a job that has already been refused x

DerelictWreck · 09/08/2018 16:50

y DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away...

then why not go for it and if you hate it you can try being a sahp at this, hopefully better, stage?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 09/08/2018 16:50

I think you should go for it

I also agree with a previous poster that it might actually be harder to leave your DC if you wait til the youngest is 3 and they have become used to spending all day every day with you

As long as you employ a good nanny then there is no reason to feel guilty

Having a DM who resents being a SAHP is surely worse that having fulfilled parents who you see less of?

tildaMa · 09/08/2018 16:51

Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to?

Do you think your DC suffer because their dad works very long hours?
Ask him how he deals with seeing them for one hour before bedtime.
Isn't it awful to do this to your children?
If he feels a SAHP is necessary for another year, maybe he should take over the childcare?
This opportunity might not be available in a year.

lalalonglegs · 09/08/2018 16:51

Could your husband take some paternity leave so that you could start a new job and your children would still have a parent at home to look after them until they are a little older?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 09/08/2018 16:52

Did your DP go through this thought process?

Probably most men don't go through this thought process but I didn't think "male" thinking was seen as something we should be working towards! Is the male mindset some sort of gold standard?

Men have traditionally prioritised their work over their family.

I think it would probably benefit a lot of families if men started thinking like their wives.

Jeezoh · 09/08/2018 16:53

I’m very supportive of mothers working full time if that’s what they wish to do. But I don’t think I’d do it in your position if both you and your DH are going to working long enough hours that effectively your children don’t see either parent during the week.

CloudPop · 09/08/2018 16:57

Having a nanny is cruel?!

Neolara · 09/08/2018 16:57

I agree with Jeezoh. Sorry.

ZenNudist · 09/08/2018 17:05

Id go for it. I am a better more patient parent for having time away from dc. I find being a SAHP to be a bit miserable personally. Its ok at first then you start to lack the variety of life working brings. I like doing both. I find working gives me an appreciation of my time with dc.

At the age your dc are at I would not worry about taking up the opportunity whilst its available. It can take a bit of work settling them into nursery and then they will love it!

Like others say it's not irreversible you can always go back to sahm. I think it's easier to keep up your career now then allow a long break. Do this rather than live with regret of not even trying.

XingMing · 09/08/2018 17:05

Another one who thinks you should take the job. My first career tailed off a few years after DS for reasons beyond my control and career two didn't really get off the ground because of age, geography and a political decision which altered the professional landscape. I miss working desperately, but would struggle to get on the shortlist even for minimum wage at near retirement age.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 09/08/2018 17:10

What's your dh's situation at work as it sounds like you are financially comfortable on just his wage? Is he able to work flexibly or use a half day's holiday every week?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2018 17:13

I think you should go for it. If it has made you feel this alive then it must be really important for you. It will be tough but if you feel better in yourself for doing it then you will be more positive in general.

You may find that once you are established in the role it is easier to negotiate a bit of flexibility.

helforddreams · 09/08/2018 17:19

I'm probably a bit older than most of you and am therefore looking after my grandson while my DD and SIL work (I also look after my adult disabled sons and foster children). I do tend to think that for the majority (but all of the time) it is "best" if very little ones are cared for by someone who loves them - I realise many will disagree with me though.

I was determined to be at home with my children, so found others ways to find the money by working from home when they were in bed and satisfied any intellectual need in other ways (writing books).When I look back I am so glad I made that decision and when they were older were able to attend all school events etc. I see the children whose parents are unable to attend school things during the day, and am so glad I am able to be there for my grandson when his mummy and daddy can't get away from work. I don't think I would want to look back and think "I wish I worked more"...but know I am probably the exception rather than the rule.

neighneigh · 09/08/2018 17:19

I'm in a similar position and if I were you, I'd go for it. Try and negotiate a four day week, if they're generous (some are, some aren't), you could also work one day a week from home, so you could do drop off/pick up etc. But do have a plan for when one of them is ill, or nursery etc is closed. I did work full time when we only had one ds and it was a mammoth amount of juggling to organise who, where and when (plus all the school events, parents "evening" (never later than 4pm))... But it can be done. Good luck with your application!

Branleuse · 09/08/2018 17:21

i think go for it and if its shit, then reassess later.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/08/2018 17:28

You are asking this in a forum where there are a large number of women who do not work full time. Ask the same question on a forum of women who have full time careers and if they have time to look up... they will give you a different answer!

Share the load. .. maybe think about both you and your husband flexing your hours so that you can do a few early starts and maybe the odd early finish between you.

There are ways to make it work for everyone..

Original poster
Peakypush · 09/08/2018 17:31

Thank you all for your replies. To answer some questions my DP is self employed and he essentially is the business so he can't take parental leave without shutting it down. No he definitely did not go through this thought process, but he didn't have to as he knew the DC would be home with their mother. If I knew DP or my mum would be at home with them all day then I wouldn't be doing so much hand wringing either I suppose. However neither is an option.

That's fair enough Pressuredrip. Harsh to read but in line with my own thoughts and fears hence the post!

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 09/08/2018 17:32

Is it all or nothing? Could you take this as a sign that you want to work, and look for something that allows a better balance?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 09/08/2018 17:35

You are asking this in a forum where there are a large number of women who do not work full time.

This is a forum where there are a large number of women. Fullstop. Many many many full time employed women, I'd be surprised if not more than average when you consider the demographics re education and money.

InDubiousBattle · 09/08/2018 17:35

There's a big difference between not seeing them all week and only seeing them for an hour or so every evening?

Which would it be?

If you will essentially put them to bed on a Sunday night and then not see them again until they get up on Saturday morning then no, absolutely no way would I take the job. If you would get up with them, do breakfast etc in the morning and see them for an hour at night, every night then it's different. Can you dh cut his hours? I'mean sorry op but I only know 2 families where both parents work very long hours (essentially not seeing them in the week)and it really isn't great for the kids tbh.

Tilliebean · 09/08/2018 17:36

I went back to work full time when DD was about a year old. I was bored to tears being at home. She’s 3 now and I have NEVER regretted it. Not for a second. I love working and she loves nursery. We were on holiday for a couple weeks and she was so happy to get back to her friends. Nursery has let her get to know lots of other children and adults. She’s confident, happy and learning new things constantly. She is just exposed to so much more than I could offer as a SAHM. I know you mention a nanny but the main message here is nothing wrong with working, exposure to other people is good! Nothing wrong with being a SAHM either, it’s really about what works for you. I know I am a better mum being a working mum.
My mum was a single parent to my sister and I (17 months apart). She went back to work before I can remember. I do remember my awesome childminder and all the fun I had playing with her kids, my sister and cousins at her house. I never felt like I missed out. I know my mum was happier working and that’s totally fine too! Doesn’t make her any less of my mother or mean she cared any less.

AromaticSpices · 09/08/2018 17:36

I think you should apply, go through interview (if invited) and then make the decision.

If you get offered it, could your DH drop to 4 days a week? I had 2 yrs off with my first and then found a job which I negotiated to 4 days a week; DH did 4 days a week which only left 3 days a week with a childminder and we both had a special day on our own with DC. I was unsure and felt weird and bad at first (I too could have afforded to stay off but I missed that work stimulation and felt DH should take some of the weight) but after the initial weird first week I was virtually skipping out the door and have done ever since. And it makes me cherish the days I have with DC much, much more. I have lots more patience and vim for doing fun things.

If DH can't reduce his hours, I would still accept the job and just see how it goes. If it's not working out, just leave. But you may well love the re-discovered autonomy (skipping out for lunch whenever you like, time on the commute to read/watch stuff, opportunity for further learning/training etc etc etc) and having two salaries is a great buffer. Not to mention National Insurance contributions/pension etc.

It stirred something in you... explore it. See how it goes. You may regret it if you pass up the opportunity. If it doesn't work, just leave.

Good luck!