To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

Thank you for your perspective helforddreams on days when things go smoothly and the stress is minimal then I do tend to think I'm doing the right thing and I'm very grateful for the ability to be with my children every day. I wish those days happened more often though!

Peakypush Have you ever read Delusions Of gender? The author mentions some couple she works with and notes that whatever the man does his employment does not allow for flexible working.

So, for example, she had one couple: the Wife is a Gp. Husband something else, can't remember. Wife works flexibly because GPs just have more flexible hours than MAN JOB.

She has another couple where the wife is the thing that I can't remember and the husband is a GP. The wife has to work flexibly because GPs just don't have those kinds of flexible schedules!

Surely Dh must be able to move his hours around a bit to work around you?

I only see my ds for an hour in the evenings on my work days. It sucks and he needs a cuddle to sleep sometimes if he feels he hasnt seen me enough when I get home.
But I don't have much choice! So I spend weekends and days off (30 hours a week so not as bad I suppose) just being with him don't whatever.

Do you actually want to work though? Or is it just that you don't want to be a SAHM? Both are unpleasant in their own way. Could you perhaps do something like a PhD or start a business instead so that you are bit more flexible with seeing your children but don't find yourself bored to death all day?

InDubiousBattle how much I'd see them (if at all) in the evenings would most likely vary depending on deadlines. I definitely wouldn't see them in the morning as I would have to leave the house at approximately 6am.

On a similar position to you, I applied for a full time job, got offered it and turned it down because I didn’t want to be full time. Two weeks later I was offered a more junior position which I could do part time - half the pay but it’s the best thing I’ve done. I’m in the workforce keeping my skills up and I’m a more patient mum.
I know you think this isn’t an option likely to be open but I thought that too! If you don’t apply you’ll never know. And if you hate it you can leave.
Oh yeah and we have a nanny and she is wonderful, she DOES love our children and she enriches their lives hugely.

How long is your dh out of the house op? If he works similarly long hours then you may well need two nannies to cover the time. When they're little you can be (somewhat!)flexible with bedtimes, especially if you have a nanny rather than nursery so you could perhaps try and get them into an 8.30 bedtime with a later waking so you could see them more?

IDontEatFriedTurtle no I haven't read that, I'll look it up. I'm in complete agreement though. That's another reason I'm reluctant to go back to work, I have no doubt it would add extra stress and arguments over who takes time off when DC are sick/appointments etc. I could be surprised but I imagine my DP would be very reluctant and would go down the "I can't take time off" route and I'm not sure I want to open up that can of worms...

Will the children see their Dad for 2-3 hours on weekdays as well as you for one? That would be ok I think.

Lots of 1:1 time with good parents or good childcare is crucial imo. You will know if you are good parents, but harder to predict about childcare. I would suggest nanny to reduce stress of transitions.

I value that I retained a good career and good earning power, and fortunate in mine and dh’s employers flexibility, but it was worked around the dc at every stage and I would have not personally have done what you are proposing, unless dh was able to be at home part time.

Thanks InDubiousBattle. The nature of his work means he moves around from place to place relatively frequently. He could be working at a site from a few days up to a couple of months at a time and he rarely knows far in advance where he'll be. Sometimes, like today for instance, he'll be working close to home and gets in around 5pm, but that's rare. Often he could have a two hour commute and will get home around 7.

Op given the thread you stated back in April re whether you should leave your DP because of how unhappy you are with family set up (him doing very little and expecting you to do everything), I think you should absolutely go for the job

Personally I don't think its a good idea. Children are little for so little time and you would miss out on a lot. When there is no need I think sticking kids in full time childcare or have someone else look after them is selfish. This being MN though means the replies will be skewed towards the majority voting you take it.

Move to near where your new job is.

Apply for the job, apply apply apply. I say this as another very bored SAHM. If it was just an average job I might not bother, but an amazing and exciting job, it's a no brainer.

At worst you get offered it and decline if it isn't right.

You aren't enjoying being at home, you will be so much happier with that one hour of quality time then hours of drudgery / tantrums / cleaning up / desperately trying to kill 3hrs in the wet isolated countryside.

Get a decent nanny as it solves most problems of ill children etc. You only have to cover when the nanny is ill.

We've had nannies in the past and the children blossomed with them, I never had any regrets.

I returned full time wheb ds was 8 months old, first few months i had a few wobbles - hes 2.5 now and i do not regret it at all. For a while he was going to bed at 7 so we only had an hour with him after work, more recently this has become 8 and it's fab. We plan a 2nd next year and will be the same process!

I haven't read most replies but here is my view. I was/am a SAHM ( took voluntary redundancy of a mid management role) and when DC were of school age became a TA. I have done this now for 10 years ( still on same money but with a lot more responsibilities- there is no money to be made in education, you do it for the love) and yes there are pro's of being an SAHM but I feel I have been ( my choice)left behind in my career progression. Also I think its good for your DC to see that you are working in a professional job&enjoy it and are financially independent.

That has recently become my bug bear- not being financially independent although I have a good& equal marriage I wish I could give my DH a choice of working less or possibly even take time out to pursue another career. Also I think it is very important for kids to see that us, women, can have a career and raise a family.

Would you have asked me the same question 5 yrs ago you would have had a complete different answer though.....

I would apply. I returned to work when kids were 8 months. I still spent every weekend with them.

I think your children will be just fine whichever you choose, but you may well regret (and potentially resent) not going for this opportunity. Down the line if you get it you may find ways to balance things, but listen to that fire in your belly and how you feel about the prospect of long term sahp.

I would take the job. Some people are happy at home with their children all day, some are happiest being in the workplace. A child will do better with a happy parent. I say all this as someone who is currently a SAHP. It affects my mental health in a negative way but currently in a situation where going to work isn't an option but I can also see the effect my MH from being at home has on my children - my fuse is short and I struggle and I am counting down the days until I can go back to work/study.

Can you just apply and worry about the rest later? At this point it's just a job posting - you haven't been offered job or accepted this position.
Don't forget: You only regret the things you didn't do!

Just noticed you've got a DP not a DH. You absolutely should apply (particularly in light of Caribbeanyesplease's post) to protect yourself and your DC's future and do what Sevendown suggests and move closer if your DP isn't tied to a location.

Whatever you decide, it’s nothing that can’t be changed later on. If you take the job and after a year or so decide it’s not really working for your family, you can quit. If you don’t take the job and then later decide you want to work, you can look for a similar role.

Your children will not be harmed in any way by you going back to work. No matter what people may say, it’s not selfish or cruel and your children will not suffer. There are many advantages to both being in childcare and to being at home, so it’s really just a matter of what situation works best for you as a family.

Things can change very fast with kids. Families evolve very quickly as kids grow. Personally, I went back to work FT after first child and 4 days after 2nd while my kids were in nursery. And it really worked for our family. The kids loved the nursery, I loved that they built relationships with adults other than me and their dad (we don’t have any family around). It enabled me to make friends with other mums at the nursery. When the kids started school, though, my feelings changed quite a bit. I decided at that point to quit my job. That was 3 years ago and I’m glad I made that decision then. I like picking my kids up from school, going on trips with them, volunteering in their class.

In short: your kids will not suffer whichever you decide, so you should go with what you need/want. You’re fortunate to have a choice to work or not work, so take full advantage of your ability to choose.

I think you are being very unfair on your children. Yes being a stay at home parent can be boring at times, challenging, it tests you to the limits but your children do need to see you more then an hour mon-fri. Your their mother. Whats the point in having children if you're wishing the time away.

Apply and see what happens. You won’t really know how you feel until you get offered the job. If at that point, your heart sinks into your shoes, perhaps being a SAHM is for you. Otherwise...loads of children love nursery and will happily wave you off and cry when you pick them up!

Your their mother. Whats the point in having children if you're wishing the time away

I don't know whether to get my 'SAHM vs Working Mum' bingo card or my 'Grammar Nazi' bingo card out.