To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

Greentulip if you were suggesting that it was have nice holidays, presents and a house deposit (because two parents are working and barely see the kids) OR having no heating or enough food, your question would be relevant. But it's not like that and you're dodging the issue. There's more than one way to be deprived. It's not a competition. It's very disingenuous to say "Sorry darling but I can't get home until bedtime because you don't want to live in a house without heat or food do you?" if you know that your standard of living on two salaries makes worries like this irrelevant. They will know it too.

Her dp is self employed he can set his own times within limits and still be available. He can be flexible, he can accommodate.

To be fair, it depends on his job.....and it depends how willing they both are to risk the loss of income from that job. People here often talk about shifts/full time hours/annual leave - in many (most?) very high earning jobs, these things are a fiction. So yes, you can share and accommodate - but only by doing a different job and thereby losing a huge chunk of income for the family. And a lot of people don't want to do that.

In my opinion the mistake is giving up work completely when a mum as it leaves the partner wholly unencumbered and with no parenting tasks

Certainly not my experience. But then I suspect it depends on the relationship dynamic.

I went back to work when my children were 6 months. Initially full time, then part time. My children turned out to have additional needs and I can't work the hours I would like to but even the one day a week I do now helps me maintain my identity as me, shows my children mummy goes out to work, and keeps me in the workplace in case for any reason my OH can't work in the future. I still find my loss of earnings difficult as always earnt same as oh pre children but I know he is very supportive and we made these life choices together.

Lipstick - you keep using this phrase “making memories” which is a MN cliche to patronise women who SAH. Women do not stay at home to “make memories” any more than women go to work to “make memories” there. They stay at home because, as a mum, they feel strongly that they know their own children like no other and that they are the best one for the job. They’re not prepared to compromise, in other words, unless they absolutely have to.

Making memories, not my phrase of choice,it’s used on this & other threads as reason to be a sahm.go chase the other posters using it as an example of why op shouldn’t work

Unfortunately NataliaOsipova is exactly right. DPs job really isn't flexible. I'm not defending male privilege and I'm sure minor flexibility could be achieved if he tried, however the nature of the role means he needs to be onsite, for health and safety reasons so working from home etc. isn't a possibility. Also, his contracts are for a certain amount of time so if a company contracts him for a month he needs to be there mon-fri for that month. Of course he could limit the contracts he takes on but that would mean not working at all and no money coming in and as the company has large outgoings it would be risky to take too much time out like that. Again I'm not defending I'm just stating the facts as they are.

I did have the conversation with him lipstick his solution is to pay for more help - nanny, cleaner etc. throwing money at things is often his solution... I made it clear that domestic chores would always be there regardless of hired help and if we were both working they would have to be split 50:50. He agreed but in reality I just can't see it happening without me telling him what to do etc which I would find maddening. I suppose I'll never know for sure without trying.

So throw some money at it,take the job buy the best childcare

In a way you’re predicament isn’t such a dilemma.there is money to throw at it
Do that.buy in childcare. That allows you to work hours & job you chose

You can buy yourself a solution,that’s v advantageous
You need to think of yourself,where you want to be,how you’ll get there
Is your accommodation in joint names?or his sole name.Read up on cohabitation

My child absolutely loves nursery if that helps. I outearn my DP massively so I have to work but my
I feel we have a lovely, balanced life still.

Yes, do read up on cohabitation. And think carefully about whether you want to support him to build up his business if you don't have a legal share in it yourself. I'll be honest, my spidey senses always tingle a bit when there's a high earning DP who wants his female partner, to whom he isn't married, to be a SAHP. Even if it's perfectly innocent, it's not a set up that gives you much protection unless you have more assets than he does.

Why would domestic chores be there regardless of hired help? There must be cleaners where you live.

Cohabitate by all means,just be well informed. And there’s no such thing as common law wife
Accommodation if it’s in his sole name you’re in a v precarious position
I’d recommend squirrel away some just in case money so if you split up you’re ok

I wasn't able to have children so do ignore if need be.

My mother gave up work when my brother was born. I have no memory of doing things with her, or her being around during the first 10years or so of my life. I do remember that she was frequently bitter and resentful of my father for not being stuck at home with us all the time.

Apply for the job.
Worst case scenario is you end up having an interesting conversation with someone in a field you're passionate about and nothing else comes of it.
You might decide to work full time
You might offer to do it part time and they say no but you're on their radar for next time.
You might get some part time of flexi hours you weren't expecting
You might realise it's not quite right and at least it will clarify things for you a bit.
But apply. And do some preliminary research with childcare.co.uk/nanny agencies/nanny Payroll companies etc so you know what you need to do next time, if not this time

I guess I’ll be the one dissenting voice - you don’t absolutely need financially to return to work, at least not for another few years yet anyway. Spend time with your kids. You won’t regret it. You’ll have plenty of working years left in you when your children are of school age and beyond. I know it’s a cliche, but on their deathbed nobody wishes they had worked more - they wish they had spent more time with those they love most.

TheClaws
Have you read the thread? You’re not the one dissenting voice. Quite a few posters make this point

Haha claws,youve so guessed it wrong. Dissenting voice?youre in with all the other catastrophisers
And death bed.yup that’s been done.do keep up

claws quick précis for you
Feel sorry for the kids ✅
Why have them if you leave them with strangers all day✅
They’re only widdle ones for a short time✅
It’s only money ✅
No one lies on deathbed wishing they’d worked more✅

Op - when you posted on here, what kind of answers were you looking for? You’ll get the people who say, “Go for the job - it worked for me,” as well as those who couldn’t possibly imagine only seeing their kids for one hour a day. But none of these people are you. Many will have returned to work because they had no choice and so they need to feel that it was the best thing all round. Maybe it is in some cases. The truth is, nobody wants to ever feel that their children have suffered in any way - this is the hardest thing to admit.

I personally don’t get this idea of “throwing money” at “the best childcare.” You can throw money at a cleaner or a new car, but you can’t replicate relationships. The “very best” childcare will never love your child and that’s the difference.

Having said this, some women are simply not cut out to do day to day parenting and it’s better to admit this, if you fall into this category. If you are permanently depressed or over-anxious, this will rub off on your kids and they may indeed be better with someone who sees it as a job.

Of course childcare,cm,nanny,nursery don’t love the children.but they can be safe,kind,nurturing,educational and attentive
And if you have the disposable income you buy that childcare in.one less thing to worry about as you purchase exactly what you need
I’d suggest given Op tone & choice of words that she has misgivings
Won’t see my children of herself if she works
Whereas her dp,works hard,is a grafter no mention if he doesn’t see them

lip Why are you so bitter and angry? Do you actually have children?

There was an AMA thread by a nanny to VIPs recently. Her insights were interesting. She felt that those parents who didn't see nearly enough of their children were damaging them. She wished she could substitute a parent's love but she couldn't.

You know I have children ease,you said you feel so very sorry for them
Holding an opposing view to you doesn’t render me bitter
but it makes you odd for asking

To best of my knowledge op isn’t VIP she’s sahm with a dp
Mum Looking to work,not a VIP juggling hectic fashion week & corporate life