To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

I went back to work when Dc1 was 9 months and again when DC2 was a year. I saw them for half an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. We have a brilliant nanny. She loves them very much and is like a third parent to them. I didn’t need to go back for financial reasons but I have a strong professional skill set I wanted to use, as does DH. We discussed him stopping but he is very ambitious and preferred to carry on working.

It was sometimes tiring, for instance if they had a bad night. But DH and I are very equal parents, and our nanny does loads. Our time with the children tends to be fun and playing. We both have a great relationship with them.

My mum took a ten year career break for children. She enjoyed being with us. But I can’t remember much before I went to school as I was so little. So I’m not convinced children need a parent at home, though they need high quality child care.

It has worked brilliantly for us: we are a very happy, comfortably off family.

I went back full time when did was 4, exh self employed.I worked shifts and long days so left before she was up most days,saw her for an hour to reads story pop her in bed.She really liked that hour and used to tell me all her news when she was tucked up in bed.
I've never had an overwhelming need to clean, exh took over cooking in the evening when I worked.
I played and did things with my DD when I wasn't working.When my marriage went tits up and we had to leave,also had to leave most stuff behind,I had a job and could put a roof over our heads.Also because of my job my ex had been able to totally destroy me.I had a choice.
Lots of parents work long hours as they cannot live on one wage,the children are all on and they don't remember the early years.Then once they're at school you are not the centre of their lives anyway.

I began to doubt when you professed no care or understanding for children whatsoever lip. If they exist, I do feel sorry for them.

It doesn't matter whether the OP is at fashion week or not. She will get home 'at bedtime' and miss all their waking hours. Not sure how fashion week comes into it.

they don't remember the early years.

This kind of thinking is madness. The kind of care given during the early years has a profound impact on development whether its consciously recollected or not. Damage can be done before memory that affects a child for the rest of their lives. Likewise a healthy attachment is gold dust for emotional health in later life regardless of how it is remembered. But if you mean 'your child won't remember you won't there so they can't hold it against you', work away.

It’s a bit extreme to go from not working at all, to being out of the house all hours.

Other, more reasonable, opportunities will come along. Get yourself on LinkedIn.

You have repeatedly said you feel sorry for my children ease.duly noted.
Fictitious children that I make up. That’s a new one!
youre bang to rights I’m a husk of a woman who pretends to work and invents children

I began to doubt when you professed no care or understanding for children whatsoever

hearts, you're just being nasty now.

My DC are 11 and 9. I trained to be a counsellor while they were little and do that part time now. Personally it wouldn’t be for me to have missed out on any time with my two. It wasn’t always easy and I was bored and stressed sometimes but now I am so happy and so proud that I didn’t miss anything. Looking after little kids can be bloody soul destroying at times but you will never get the time back and it goes in the blink of an eye. Good luck with whatever you choose and trust your instincts ☺️😘

Ease are you aware most adults can have a strident discussion & opposing views without resorting to petty insults
Really do try refrain from making inappropriate comments
It adds nothing to your discussion and makes you look v silly

Definitely not a VIP!

I'm not sure what I was looking for from the replies Mandarine. I was just interested to read other people's experiences of what worked/didn't work for their family. I don't have many friends with children and I think the posters on here often have good insights. For instance many people suggested applying for work and quitting if it didn't work out - daft as it seems this wouldn't have occurred to me when agonising over what to do. I had it in my head that's it's all or nothing, when obviously that's not the case.

What’s the deal with your accomodation?is it in joint names
Of course you leave a job of you're unhappy it’s employment not indebted service

Of course you leave a job of you're unhappy it’s employment not indebted service

In fairness, though, she then runs the risk of burning her bridges with that employer/in that field, when if she'd, say, waited for a couple of years until she was in a different position, she'd have been able to get the job she wanted and stay in it.

Not saying that's right or wrong, by the way - just that there are definitely downsides to the "just do it and then quit if you decide against it" approach.

they don’t remember the early years

This might be true for some but I remember a lot from my first 18 months. I know because for that time I had a nanny. I remember her implementing a sleep schedule, I remember playing with her daughter, I remember not wanting to be with my parents on the weekend because I didn’t know them, I remember her now ex husband (divorced when I was two and no photos etc so only way I would remember is from then), I remember my parents ‘training’ me to sleep through by not feeding me and screaming because I was so hungry, I remember my parents arguing and screaming at each other before my mum went part time.

My DC are totally different with their DHs parents who wouldn’t be around him when he was ill and gave him back to me the infant he cried. He is much more attached to mine who held him whatever happened.

It’s just not true that children’s don’t remember, actively or not, it forms a core part of who they are.

Agreed Natalia Yes she does,and in small fields,reputation matters
But if it ends up she’s sobbing over the desk wracked with guilt that suits no one

Apply and decide if you get offered the job. You may not get the offer in which case you're stressing over nothing

nikita No, I'm not.

OP, have a read of the thread by the nanny. She knows what it's like looking after children who rarely see their parents. No one else here does.

Actually,You are being nasty ease by habitually making personal comments to me
Do you feel it adds gravitas to your argument? Gives an immediacy or oomph
Or are you genuinely in state of alarm and distress about my kids

You are, hearts. I'll put your comment here again: I began to doubt when you professed no care or understanding for children whatsoever

Straight-up nasty personal comment.

I personally couldn't go for a job that meant I'd only see my kids for an hour a day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's clear that you need a break and that you're not particularly enjoying being a sahm but is it not possible to get a part time job somewhere? Or as several posters have suggested, move closer to work?

If you do decide to take it (if you get offered it) then I'd strongly suggest a nanny. I see so many little new reception kids at my school who get dropped at breakfast club at 7.45am, spend a long day in school and then go over to after school club until 6pm.
They're absolutely bloody frazzled and I do genuinely feel sorry for them.
At least they'll be in their own environment with a nanny and can go to nursery further down the line if needed.

Despite some of the bitterness on here regarding inequality compared to the dads (rightly or wrongly), I hope as a 'mum' you won't regret it.

they don’t remember the early years

I absolutely do remember things from 18 months onwards, aspects of daily life etc. It used to surprise my mother, the detail I can remember. And she can be sure I'm not making anything up, because she was there the whole time and can remember those things too.

No it’s not bitterness to see an inequality and comment on it
Calling it bitterness is an example of the societal norms on imposed women
don’t talk up.dont bang on,be nice. Don’t be bitter.
In other words shut up,keep Schtum

I couldn't spend that much time away from any of my dc when they were little, they need a parent when so small.
I sympathise with your dh and yourself.
Firstly, you wanted to be a sahm, it's not his fault you have changed your mind. However, things do change and you should speak to him and ask for his support. If you want a job away from the family for most of the time, he will need to cut down hours/change jobs to enable a parent to be there for the children.
Did he support you through your study, or were the dc in childcare?
Have you discussed what type of job you would be looking for once qualified.
I just think your relationship doesn't sound much of a partnership if you haven't discussed this and planned prior to dc.
It has nothing to do with inequality, it's sad that someone would think that when children are involved. It's to do with the children having a parent that gives a damn, not sure if it matters whether that's Mum, dad, ot between them.

I'm going back to work full time soon after nearly 4 years (mat leave then part time and then 2 years as a SAHM). I'm really looking forward to it.

I do worry about my DC but I'm hoping to be able to manage it so the hours in childcare aren't too long every day. But it might all be too much and I might have resigned by Christmas, who knows!

Don't let twats on here (or in RL) make you feel guilty. There's always a lot more to these decisions than the details that are written in a few short posts online. Good luck!

It's to do with the children having a parent that gives a damn, not sure if it matters whether that's Mum, dad, ot between them.

That's unbelievably unfair and offensive.

Do working parents really not give a dam? You really think that?

I really know what giving a damn about children looks like.i see it in my professional life
And I unfortunately see what not giving a damn about children looks like too
So let’s be clear a child who is loved,is attended to,receives consistent boundaries and support.that is achievable whether parents work ft,pt or are sahp
It’s not as simple as presenteeism hours clocked with child = give a damn
Some children are placed in nursery and with family support workers be because the time with the parents is not meeting all developmental and emotional needs
So. A parent can work and still be a good safe and consistent presence a good parent