To take a job where I won't see my DC

[Peakypush]

More of a WWYD really.

I've been a SAHM for two years now. I had two DDs 15 months apart and finished a masters during that time which I haven't put to use yet. I have the choice to SAH indefinitely as we're in a good situation financially (not rolling in it but comfortable, mortgage free etc.) however - I'm so bored! I had originally said I'd like to stay at home until my youngest started nursery at 3 but on the bad days of tantrums and drudgery I want to cry at the thought of another two years of this... We live rurally so we're limited in how we can fill our days.

A friend from uni has sent a link to a job opportunity at her company and is encouraging me to apply. It's the type of opportunity I would have jumped at pre-babies. I got so excited reading the job description and felt a fire in my belly for the first time in ages. The downside is, with the commute, it would mean I basically wouldn't see my babies from Monday to Friday except for maybe an hour before bedtime. This makes me feel a bit ill.

I'm so conflicted. I'm dying to use my brain again and to have adult interaction but on the flip side I feel such guilt at even considering leaving my DDs to go to work when I don't necessarily HAVE to. Not to mention my youngest is still only 8 months old. I did look into part time work before but it's just not an option where we live - there's literally nothing here relevant to my field. So it would essentially be all or nothing decision.

Has anyone else been in this position or can offer advice? My DP is supportive either way but he thinks in another year - when my youngest is out of the baby stage and the oldest is at nursery - I will have more structure to my days and I may feel happier being at home. I think he's right deep down but a year seems like an awful long time away... I'm not sure what I'm asking really but would love to hear other people's experience. Do you work long hours during the week and is it a source of regret? Do you think your DC suffers? If I did this I would most likely have to employ a nanny as DP also works very long hours. Would it be awful to do this to our children when we have the choice not to? TIA

I had two nannies, my parents both worked FT. Making memories? I have no memories from before age 5, and very very hazy ones from before age 8. I couldn't tell you who looked after me before I was 5, whether it was a nanny or my parents

Thank you for your kind bs post arwenearlythereyet. Yes we are super rural so you're right finding a good nanny would probably not be the easiest task. I suppose I know deep down this job is probably not an option right now with the children so young. I have spent the evening online job hunting and have found a couple of freelance posts that could be good opportunities, they're not at the same level as other job but might be a good way to ease back into it and get the work brain back up and running! At least that way I'd know how I feel about working away from the children before I commit to anything more permanent?

*kind post

Don't know where "bs" came from!

I’d try to meet them for interview and be open about needing flexibility. If they say no, then so be it. At least you will learn more about the company, role, people etc, and if another more appropriate role opens up then you’ll be top of mind for them. Another idea is to present them with a business case for hiring you. You don’t say what you do, so not sure this is realistic.

Really, there’s no definitive answer on childcare. If anyone had figured out the best way to structure a family and raise children, we’d all be doing it the same way. Every family is different, and you know what your situation is (and how much it is likely to change).

Having said that, I do think it’s a good idea for children to see parents every day, at least for one dinner be it breakfast or dinner. It’s mentioned in Lean In even...Sandberg went home at 5ish to be there for family dinner.

My children’s pediatrician went so far as to recommend that I stay home for the first 3 years, if possible (I asked her outright for her opinion, it was not just doled out!), as their personalities are forming and they most need us then. If you can do this, maybe hire a childminder and work from home for as long as you need to stay sane.

To the anti-SAHMs...Since when did men get pregnant ffs or are we going to pretend we all have the same hormones etc! Each to their own, but nobody should be belittled for suggesting that mothers be at home with children.

Personally, I worked after each 6 months maternity leave and we have a nanny. We have been through one per year on average, as they have left to have their own children, moved away, etc. It’s not provided the consistency we had hoped. They’ve all been caring, although a few of them were too glued to their phones.

@filly I am sorry, I wasn’t trying to be offensive. I have to admit that I found the idea of neither of you being home 2 nights out of 5 difficult, and that may have coloured the tone of my response, but as you say, we’re all different.

The term outsourcing comes from a friend of mine who was a nanny before having her own kids. That’s how she sees it because she was also basically used as a stand in / second mum. She felt it even more keenly having had a child of her own and said she would never have a nanny herself for that reason. I can see though that it could be read as unnecessarily provocative or critical for which I apologise.

I can completely see the appeal of the lifestyle you have, and why you wouldn’t envy friends who spend their weekends trying to balance their needs against their kids. For me, my DC was very poorly when born and screamed for the first 5 months with just 20 minute naps in between. Not their fault but horrific nonetheless. What I learnt from it was that bonding through the tough stuff is just as important as the nice bits; it was my time my DC needed. It reinforced, for me, that I didn’t want to do as my parents did, which is what you describe. It worked for them because their lifestyle was very important to them. I never felt unloved but, on reflection, outsourced does reflect how I felt. I suspect my DM would also have said weekends felt long, and that I wanted her to work. I was an only child though that probably exacerbated the effect of not having them around.

Your kids may well be different. Lots of children who go to boarding school, have nannies etc grow to be strong, independent characters. It takes a whole lot of people to make a world and we’re all different.

I’m sorry if you felt I was offensive. I hope this explains my comment a little more for you. I wouldn’t do it the way you have, but that’s presumably true of your view it choices to. Their is a judgement in that, from both of us, but it doesn’t have to be critical.

When my little girl was 8 months old i decided to put her in nursery and go back to work as a lawyer. My eldest at the time was 3 in nursery too. After 6 weeks of work though, I made the difficult decision to resign. I just wasn’t seeing my kids. From 7am to 7pm. I’d bathe them and put them to bed. Is that it? They were more or less being raised by strangers at nursery. This is not what I wanted. Now 2 years later I have another little one. When the times comes to returning to work, I’ll think about it then. For now try to enjoy this time with your kids whilst they are young because this moment will never return again.

I gave up a great job which had a long commute and often travel to be home more, I regret it so much. I feel I had treaded water for 10 years and feel so frustrated seeing people progress.

You need to do what's best and also depends on how much your husband can support you and the family with running the house. Will you be working full time and doing everything or does you oh take responsibility?

MisstoMrs thank you - may I offer you and by way of a peace token?

I’ve never yet met a mum who would say no to flowers or gin. I’ll get the tonic out for us 😊

Really, there’s no definitive answer on childcare. If anyone had figured out the best way to structure a family and raise children, we’d all be doing it the same way. Every family is different, and you know what your situation is (and how much it is likely to change).

@MentalUnload - you need to come on every thread that comes up on this subject and post the above. Repeatedly. It is the only sensible answer to the whole debate!

In fairness to the OP, she was seeking opinions.....but of course the question - what would you do? - is only one that anyone can answer with reference to her own personal situation. It depends on your finances, what job you have, what your DH does, what he's like as a partner, whether you have family who want to help, where you live, your views on childcare vs parent, what needs your children have. Ad infinitum. People all make the best decision for their situation; it may not be the best decision for someone else.

People keep saying that ah you'll never get the time back..
And it's true. But it also applies to your career. The more years off, the less interesting you are to employers. In my particular line of work, a year off - maybe. 5 years off and you have to start from scratch again, competing with childless 20-somethings.

So if there's an interesting opportunity - take it.
You might get an interview - great for network.
You might get an offer - you can decide if you take it or not.
If you take it and it doesn't quite work out - you can negotiate flexible working, or quit.

But you will always wonder 'what if' if you don't even apply.

Whatever you choose, I want to reassure you that your role looking after the children is extremely valuable, and useful. I expect you are using your brain a lot and please don't assume you are not contributing to society just because you are not getting paid for it.
Also this job is not the only possibility for you. If you want to work in employment, it's worth looking for something that will suit you better. Have confidence that you are good enough to get what you are looking for.

If you do t apply for job then get married so you are protected financially.
If dp drops dead tomorrow where do you stand on the house and life insurances etc ?

If you can earn good salary then go for it.

Your dc will be fine either way.

But what about you?

I suppose you could say that parents who don't want to spend time with their dc are neglectful, so childcare probably would be the best solution.

Vile thing to say.

OP, I think you ought to apply for the job anyway, just for the practice.

I suppose you could say that parents who don't want to spend time with their dc are neglectful, so childcare probably would be the best solution

Haha very good

Yes neglectful parents, paying the rent/ mortgage.filling the fridge. Seeking fulfilment. How very dare they.bastards. Maybe there should be a mandatory state internment camp for neglected children. Rescue them from their working parents

Tell me are the mn dads who are all high flying, with telephone number salary,who can't possible seek any job flexibility are they included in the neglectful category.or just the mums?

Those dads don't need flexibility as they enable the other parent not to work outside the home or to do jobs that don't entail long hours.

Yes that’s called patriarchy were stereotypical roles are reinforced by inflexible men
They don’t need to be flexible,or accommodating because their partner will be
They carry on unencumbered in own career but won’t be flexible to accommodate woman career

In fairness to the OP, she was seeking opinions.....but of course the question - what would you do? - is only one that anyone can answer with reference to her own personal situation

This is so true. And in relation to her child being unique as well. All the feminism in the world won't help if you have a child who needs to be with mummy for more than half an hour a day. Some might be able to get their heads around having a different carer (and is usually a succession of different carers, especially if the level of responsibility is so high - that's a very demanding role). Some children just can't hack it. And then what do you do? How do you say to a child, 'Sorry but the political is personal and the personal is political?'. At that point I think you have to sit down with your partner and work out how you can both do something different. But the reality is that many partners would walk away (making it harder for mum to take a demanding role) than give up a highly rewarding career if the prior agreement was that they'd go all out to earn enough for mum to stay home.

OP you're "fire in the belly" comment resonated. Please think very carefully about you're own life and future. I say this as a woman whose DP of 23 years has left with another woman - a man who even 6 weeks ago I would have described as one of the most decent on the planet (if slightly boring,) but who is now prepared yo shaft his children. I am so glad I have my own career, money and colleagues to take me out and show me a good tjine xx

OP it isn't a job where you won't see your child though is it? I'm a nurse and I haven't seen my DChild awake since Thursday morning!

I suppose you could say that parents who don't want to spend time with their dc are neglectful, so childcare probably would be the best solution.

Oh do fuck off.

I think if you don't have to do those hours then you really shouldn't. You're in a privileged position as it is that you can't afford to be a SAHM, think of all the women who would love to do that but can't. Look at your children's little faces and decide - could you REALY hand them over to a random childminder to raise them Monday - Friday by CHOICE? I think if the answer is yes then you should really have questioned why you wanted them in the first place. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I know staying at home isn't easy but you asked for opinions and that's honestly how I feel.

That you can afford

Look at your children's little faces and decide - could you REALY hand them over to a random childminder to raise them Monday - Friday by CHOICE

Breaking news just in - women are humans in their own right and don't exist purely to stay at home to facilitate men and raise children. Who knew?!?!?