Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.

A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.

AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

My first DD was born in 1995, with further children born 1997, 1999 and 2006. Like others have said, my husband had to bring the car seat to the ward before I was discharged with DD, so they were definitely in use by mid '90s. There were also other car seats for older children although, until my 4th, I think the children were off a booster seat by the time they were about 8.

DD1 started the local nursery two afternoons a week in February 1998, when she was 2.5 years old. At that time, there were free nursery sessions for children aged 3 or above, but it didn't cover every day and it didn't cover the length of terms - if I remember rightly, children of 3 and above got 2.5hrs of nursery 5 days a week for 3 terms of 10 weeks. I always remember getting the bill for all the additional hours! This was late 90s though, so may have been very different early 90s.

At 12 months my DD went to a childminder 3 days per week from 5.30 pm to 6.15 pm - I had an evening job and my husband couldn't get home any sooner.

When my DD started school in January 2000, there was no wraparound childcare provided by the school. She had a couple of summer dresses, a couple of blouses, a couple of skirts/pinafores but only one school jumper as it was too expensive to buy more.

Things had changed a great deal between DD1 being born in 1995 and DD3 being born in 2006 so, depending on when in the '90s the OP was born, there are vast differences.

My childhood was during the 90s. Definitely had breakfast every morning and always fresh/clean and ironed uniform.

My mum did smoke in the house though. Of course back then you could smoke in pubs and restaurants as well so I'm guessing the attitudes towards smoking indoors and around children was different.

My mum worked part-time and I went to both nursery and a childminders

I remember having a booster seat without a backrest until about age 5 or 6. I think people were generally more lax about car seats and safety to a certain extent

Lljkk – She did all sorts but only for a year or two the move on to something else when it got too difficult. I think benefits were slightly better if you were studying, which in some ways was far enough but working would have taken a similar amount of time and been far more beneficial.

I was a single parent in the 90s

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school.

This was very common. There were breakfast and after school clubs but they were not widely available. I returned to work a couple of times but ended up having to quit when childcare arrangements fell through and I couldn't find something else. Also single parents were entitled to income support until the children were grown (16 I think) so they weren't pressured to work in the way they are now

Never had breakfast before school

Wasn't acceptable or normal in the 90s or the 70s when I grew up

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week

I don't think being dirty was ever ok either. But, the cost of uniform was very expensive back then. My DD only had 2 sets but they were kept clean.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed

That's neglect whenever you grew up. I had similar from my parents in the 70s. My friends didn't and in the 90s I fought tooth and nail to get my DD's disability diagnosed.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts.

What you describe was normal in the 70s and early 80s but changed mid 80s when seatbelts became compulsory. Totally not acceptable in the 90s.

Smoked like a chimney

Lots of people still smoked around children in the 90s although attitudes were beginning to change.

A friend of mine grew up with a single mum we were 11 in 1990 and I remember noticing that their house got more and more run down. The kids were both school age and their mum worked but she couldn't afford holidays or new clothes etc. The house badly needed a coat of paint and started to look really grotty, a lot of the furniture had seen better days. I know it was a hard time for them.
I think post tax credits etc it was much easier as the benefits were more, flexible working hours came in.
If your dad paid nothing and never spent any time with you I can see it might have contributed to her being down.
Also there was less awareness and help for depression then. It wasn't something people talked about so much.
Anyway, you sound like you have a healthy attitude towards the past, you will definitely do better by your kids.

I had 90s children we had carseats and boosters and seatbelts it was the lae and i got them up for school I did smoke in my bedroom with the window open .

I was raised in the 90s by mum and dad but I don't remember my dad much. They are still together just more a less in the same boat now and still had more kids so nothing has really changed. We was in the pub most nights with a box meal from the KFC thing and sat there till closing. Bathed once or twice a week. From age of 10 I more a less was a stay at home babysitter. Always drinking in the house with party's etc. What I'm saying is it wasn't the best childhood but it wasn't the worse. I do sometimes feel pissed off at the lack of parenting and love but my nan more a less gave me all off that. Still does now it's defo changed me as a mother I tend to over love my children and very rarely leave them with anyone. I like to take an interest in their life's. But my relationship with my parents is more like a close friend than daughter and parents

My DC were born in 1994 and 1997 and.. apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s certainly isn't true.
Best friend was a child minder and mine went to full time nursery. It was expensive then too and we didn't have tax credits or child care vouchers, so a bit of credit to your mum there that it was possibly unaffordable.

Everyone had car seats and booster seats that I knew and breakfast, lunch and dinner!

My MIL did smoke around children though, including mine, and lots of people smoked in the house then when now it doesn't seem so much.

I genuinely think your childhood in the 90s was very much not the norm.

it does sound like your mum didn't cope particularly well forever, but it's a hard life having no child support and being on your own. My mum smoked all over us, through all her pgs, in the car, everywhere. Even in bed. We didn't have carseats (80s).

In the 60s my auntie used to just pop one neat outfit over stinky everyday clothes when people came round.

Does she love you, is she caring? I don't know about babysitting - for a few hours do you think she'd feed your DC rubbish or have them be unsafe/not use safety equipment provided and smoke over them?

People can change, especially if they were exhausted and a bit unwell.

I'd struggle to find the will to work a minimum wage job if I was on my own with no maintenance and with primary aged DC - hats off to people that do of course.

It was compulsory to wear seatbelts in the front from 1983 and in the back from 1986 WHERE THEY WERE ALREADY FITTED IN THE CAR. So if your Mum drove an old car without rear seatbelts she wouldn't have thought to use them, and would have nothing to hold a baby seat in with.
I don't remember not having breakfast, but clothes (and we) were washed as necessary, rather than everyday, and clothes were sponged rather than washed if they didn't need a full wash: this was the 70s but I'm pretty sure that germs aren't any more deadly in the 90s than the 70s. As long as you looked presentable if you'd worn your clothes for a few days it didn't really matter..

I was born late 80s and my childhood sounds similar, apart from my Dad was living with us while not contributing much and my parents didn't smoke and were very vocal about it smelling awful. I was put in care and dirty clothes and not getting breakfast were certainly mentioned by SS, they weren't the whole reason but the dirty uniform was what prompted my school to contact SS so it can't have been normal

Yes she could and should have done better. In my opinion she neglected you.

I think benefits were slightly better if you were studying,

Only by £10 per week if I remember correctly.

And of course there was childcare but if your mum was on her own then her options probably were limited not everybody can pick up a good job

And I can barely remember being in a car as my parents never drove. But the smoking thing fuck me it was bad in the pub everyone did. And my nan bless her she smoked over all of us always is bizzare how none of us have any breathing issues or illnesses as it's so publicised now what passive smoking does or second hand smoking sorry

The no car seats thing/sitting in footwell was normal IME tho!

Definitely not in mine. As a previous poster said you had to have a car seat to take your baby home from hospital and if you didn't have one you could rent one. There was definitely childcare around in the 80's never mind 90's, a lot of my colleagues had young children and used it, be it child minder or private nursery.

OP your mum could definitely have done better, especially in keeping you clean and fed .

I grew up in the 80s/90s. Had a car seat in our family car but frequently got lifts from other family/friends and didn't use one. People smoked around me.

Generally I think life was less child-focused then. I was a sort of accessory to my parents' lives, passed around extended family a lot for childcare and expected to amuse myself wherever I was.

Always had food and clean (often 2nd hand, and not many different outfits) clothes though.

It was compulsory to wear seatbelts in the front from 1983 and in the back from 1986 WHERE THEY WERE ALREADY FITTED IN THE CAR. So if your Mum drove an old car without rear seatbelts she wouldn't have thought to use them, and would have nothing to hold a baby seat in with.

And car seats were only compulsory for babies, children over the age of three were only required to use a carseat or booster if one was available so they certainly weren't compulsory or in common use by every driver.

Car seats for all children did not become compulsory until 2006.

I worked as a childminder and nursery assistant in the late 80s early 90s there certainly was childcare kicking about

I think that standards of things like hygiene have definitely changed. I was born in 1981, and we didn't have a shower throughout my schooldays so had a bath every 2 days. I only had one school skirt and jumper and three blouses, and the shirts used to get grubby. I didn't complain though as I thought it was the norm.
Like you, mum smoked around me all the time. Food was always processed - frosties for breakfast and ready meals for dinner. Others were the same though from what I remember - people weren't as concerned with low sugar etc then.
It was also the norm to get a smack on the backside when you misbehaved, for bullying at school to be seen as something you had to get on with, and no one realised I was short-sighted until I went to uni and got myself tested.

I don't mean to be flippant because I think the op was neglected, but there is nothing wrong with a bath every2 days

My mum had me and my.sister in the 90s and managed to work 2 jobs. I don't remember car seats after age 6-7 but do remember seat belts. Never left alone and always clean clothes. Your mother sounds quite lazy in all honesty. But it did you no harm I suppose, just make sure you do better and forgive her her mistakes if you can

@harshbuttrue1980 100%. We were born the same year, agree with everything.

Yes usually by 5/6 it was just a seatbelt as long as it sat right on your shoulder it was allowed

It’s odd-i was born years before anyone else on here, and apart from the smoking and the car seats, I don’t recognize any of this!