Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.


A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.


AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

[harshbuttrue1980]

Mrs Jayy, I would disagree when it comes to teenagers who do compulsory PE and who walk significant distances to school as was more common then. I can remember feeling sweaty and not fresh by the time bathtime was due, hair was greasy etc.
Nothing wrong with a BATH every 2 days if a shower is available, but teenagers should be allowed to bath or shower every day if needed, and I think this is more common now that virtually everyone has a shower at home.

[RomanyRoots]

There was little childcare available, no top ups from tax credits for childcare element.
If you got tc your childcare would come out of this if you could find a supplier.
Norwich Union opened a creche for staff ? In Norwich and some uni's offered a creche, but they were few and far between.
No free hours, no childcare vouchers, tax relief etc.
If you couldn't afford to work, then you didn't.

There was still an element of the attitude of women didn't work unless they had to financially.
I can remember a few women thinking we were rich because I didn't have to work and thought my dh was brilliant as he could provide for us all.
We lived in the country though, and although the small towns were similar, I'm not sure if it was different living in the city.

[NotDavidTennant]

Some of things you describe as neglectful, some are harder to tell if taken in the context of the time.

The early to mid 90s was a time of high unemployment and there was no minimum wage or tax credits, so I can well imagine that it could have been difficult for her to find work that supported herself and two kids and paid for childcare on top. Smoking around kids was not unusual, and child seats were only just becoming a thing, so not everyone had them (especially if they were poor).

On the other hand not feeding your properly or making you go round in dirty clothes would have been seen as neglectful even back then.

[Armchairanarchist]

I was a mum in the 90s. Your childhood experiences are very different from my son's. Standards weren't any different from today. Smoking, car seats, childcare, breakfast, etc. were viewed in exactly the same way.

[ferrier]

No seatbelts etc wasn't that unusual for the 90s. I was a parent then and although there were some laws in place they weren't as strict as now and lots of parents I knew didn't bother with them.

Waiting in the shed, we had to do similar sometimes - not every day, in the 70s and other friends likewise. It's possible she just carried that through from her own childhood.

No breakfast and dirty clothes is neglectful.

[MarthaArthur]

I was born in 1990 and most of thats very normal when i moved to the uk circa 1994. Where i live that was normal for me and my friends. Dont judge your dm too harshly. Remember a lot of new info has come out in the last 30 years.

[Cath2907]

born late 70's. No car seat and lack of diagnosis for stuff sounds normal. My parents didn't smoke but plenty did....

[sohorrible]

I was raised in the 90s and had a booster seat for quite a few years. Always wore seatbelts and was made to do so in friends' parents' cars too.

My dad smoked but always went outside.

We went to childminder from school finish til our mum picked us up at 5pm ish.

I don't think this is a "90s thing" OP, I think it's an income/mental health thing that transcends era.

[Leesa65]

God, next time I want to moan about my Lot I won't ,, some of you had awful times .

I had breakfasts (they were offered but I didn't always want it)
Clean clothes
Clean Home (Mum is OCD but back then it wasn't particularly known as anything)
Dad, Nan and Aunt smoked around me , was the done thing then . Doctors even smoked in their surgery and there were ashtrays in post natal wards for smoking mothers.
We probably had more freedom than today though my DCs had and have a certain amount of freedom , they need to be street wise round here
Re the car seats . I clearly remember a holiday to North Wales (from London) and DM had a mini van , not a car a van , and I sat in the back, on a removed from another car car seat and no belt . Circa 1971

OP I don't know if your mother was neglectful or depressed and stressed out but I am sorry you went through all that, and I note your DCs childhoods are much nicer as you made it so.

[RomanyRoots]

There were tax credits, you needed to be working though.

[BackinTimeforTea]

yes it's clear that somethings were not at all ok forever, i wonder if she's better now though op? I wonder what we can help you ascertain here and move forward with? I'd be angry if I had a congenital heart defect that wasn't diagnosed but maybe she got fobbed off at doctors - even these days, my baby was crying at her 6 week check, and they just ticked off the 'listening to heart' box.

I wonder if you need to or have told her that you have some unhappy questions about your childhood, for closure for you? Reassurances that she wouldn't do the same/reasons why?

[Leesa65]

My eldest two were born in the early 90s and seat belts certainly did have to be worn then so she was defo wrong there.

[colditz]

My own mother was guilty of smoking all over us, it wasn't seen as such a horrible thing to do then.

She also didn't bother her head too much about seatbelts, despite us going off the side of a mountain in the car in 87! often had 4 kids in the back of the car. I did have a booster seat, but it was for car sickness, not safety! I was the only child I knew with one.

My asthma was missed/ignored, as was my poor eyesight. However, my brother's wasn't - it was thought I was attention seeking (I actually was a little bit attention seeking in general but not about this issue, so not really her fault there). My flat feet were caught, as were various small complaints like headlice, veruccas, threadworm, normal childhood nonsense. i was fully vaccinated and at the dentist every 6 months. I had braces in 1994. i always had appropriate sanitary items for periods. I do not believe she''d have missed a heart defect - I have a clear memory of being taken to the doctor aged around three because she didn't think I ate enough.

Breakfast was mandatory until secondary and then optional. However it was always available, and we were woken in plenty of time to have it (staying in bed after you've been ordered to get up and have breakfast doesn't count as neglect IMHO lol)

We weren't poor, my father had a good job, but she was a SAHM until my sister was 5 and I was 15. She then got a job in a school so was always around. I do recall other kid's mothers working much, much more but she really didn't have to, it wasn't detrimental for her to be at home.


My clothes - I don't remember so they must have been clean enough to pass as normal. They were always good quality, but usually secondhand. I had Clark's shoes, but as I said, I had flat feet and my father earned well.

So, the smoking and seatbelts is maybe a nineties thing. the dirtiness, lack of meal in the morning and medical neglect was just your mum.

[YouCantStopTheSignal]

My eldest two were born in the early 90s and seat belts certainly did have to be worn then so she was defo wrong there.

It wasn't compulsory to wear rear seatbelts until 1991 but if your car was made/registered before that date, and did not have them fitted, there was no legal requirement to get them fitted/use them.

[CoralFish]

Nope, sorry - not normal for me. My mum went out to work and we went home after school with a childminder (actually a mum who lived next door - I assume she was unregistered and it was a casual cash in hand arrangement).

I went to the hospital for check ups for years because I was always below average height and weight.

We always wore seatbelts and I had a child seat and then a booster seat. Having said that, there were rare occasions when we crammed four kids on the back seat, but that's the only thing I can think of.

[somethingunique]

I was a child in the 90s and went to a child minder/nursery while my Mum worked part-time as a nurse.

We usually wore a seatbelt but I do remember sitting in the footwell and on people's knees on the odd occasion.

Spent a lot of time in pubs which could be very smokey, but that just seemed normal back then.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

I was born in 86, and in a lot of respects my upbringing sounds very similar...however, I consider that my mother was pretty neglectful and I know that the things she did weren't the norm even in the rough area I lived in.

Funnily enough I actually looked up some stuff the other day; we lived on benefits for my entire childhood (Yes to PP who said there was more money after labour came in) and for a particular year I looked it worked out that the cash benefits we'd have received were roughly £60 a week (HB/Ctax were paid directly on top) and a packet of 20 cigs was roughly £3. My mum smoked 20 a day most days, so she inhaled about 1/3 of our income. She also drank fairly heavily and so probably drank or smoked about half of that £60 every week.

It only clicked when I read your post that I never had breakfast before school, ever. I don't remember us having things like cereal in the house and my mum didn't ever get up to get me ready or take me to school after I was about 5.

Her equivalent of interest courses was community groups which she'd attend as much as she fancied, happily leaving me to fend for myself. I know I was definitely letting myself in and out by about 7.

Clothes were the cheapest of the second hand stuff available from a truly nasty thrift shop. I know sometimes people can afford no better but she didn't even try to find decent stuff. I got whatever utter crap was reduced. Minimal effort.

Bath once a week, maximum. Plagued with head lice. Ridiculously long hair that was cut when I was 4 and then not again til 13. No exaggeration.

I lived in a poor council estate so my peers weren't well off, but the stuff you (and I) experienced was still shit parenting. And I don't think being a single parent is an excuse tbh.

[ProfYaffle]

Childcare existed but not as widely available as now and was seen as only worth it if you had a well paid job.

Breakfast thing was a bit rubbish. Though I don't think I ate breakfast for much of the late 80's as just wasn't cool

Seat belts had been compulsory for a while. I remember having a car seat in the early 70s but it was a bit rubbish. Can't remember when they became compulsory.

Hygiene wasn't like it is now but unwashed uniform was not normal.

Smoking at home was normal. I was living in a house share in the 90's and asking people to smoke outside would've been a bit

The heart defect thing is pretty shocking though.

[Chickychoccyegg]

my mum didn't go back to work until all kids were at high school, so maybe just more common then.
myself and my siblings didn't have car seats, remember we were allowed to stand up and put our heads through the sunroom when we went to Blackpool to see the illumination.
my mum always cooked and cleaned our uniforms, she's always been a real neat freak!
I start waking my kids an hour before they leave, it's they're responsibility to get organised and come to the kitchen and get breakfast, otherwise they won't get anything, could you have made yourself toast or cereal/was it just bad organising or were you left to go hungry?
everyone smoked everywhere, I used to hate it as a kid, and still do.

some sounds normal, some sounds a bit rubbish, but it's passed and you can be a better parent to your kids

[BalloonSlayer]

I had my eldest in 1993 and I can assure you that that is not the norm particularly the car seats and seat belts as the use of them was a legal requirement by then .

Here's Charles and Diana with William in 1982.
No seatbelts on the adults either.

[cheesefield]

I was born in 84 and can remember seat belts being the law, I had a car booster seat and harness.

Came from a poor-ish family, DM smoked but not in the house or car. Had porridge with water every day for breakfast. Not luxurious but I still had breakfast.

Seat belt laws and dangers of smoking were known by then.

[Leesa65]

*It wasn't compulsory to wear rear seatbelts until 1991 but if your car was made/registered before that date, and did not have them fitted, there was no legal requirement to get them fitted/use them."

My first DS was born in 1991 and would have had his baby seat buckled in regardless , but now you mention it , I do remember, as a passenger, not having to bother if I didn't wish too ,before DS was born.
When I was driver I always put mine on anyway, DM always wore one when driving but DF not so much as he had a job once where he was in and out of his van all day.

[BalloonSlayer]

Oh goodness I am sorry, I totally read that as 1983 not 93! It's not till I reposted that I noticed my mistake!

[Bluelady]

The reason she didn't work is probably because unless you could find a pretty well paid job you were better off on benefits, once you added in things like free school meals.

People with little money drove old bangers and no back seat belts were common, so nothing to attach child seats to.

The dirty clothes, lack of breakfast and healthcare don't sound normal.

[AJPTaylor]

My eldest dd was born in 1995.
The one thing i would say for definite without any judgement at all is that unless you had a well paid career as a single parent your mum and by default you probably would not have been better off financially.
Factor in rent, council tax, free school meals and childcare. I dont think there was the taper in those days and if you were only able to get minimum wage (altho i dont think it existed in the 1990s) it was near impossible to just go and get a job and make headway. Added to which, there was no tax deductible childcare. It was called a poverty trap for a reason.
Would not have thought that would impact pension though. Ni was credited through child benefit so she should have same state pension as if she had worked.