Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.


A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.


AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

[Melamin]

I had my first in 91, and the childcare situation was not easy

In contrast, I was born in 91 and was in some form of childcare/after school clubs from 10 weeks to 10 years! None of the stuff on your list would have happened in our house, so I suspect (as with most things) it's just down to different circumstances and priorities.

It really depended where you lived - my area was childminders only until 2. My friend had a lovely nursery in her village in Derbyshire, which took babies from young, but unfortunately closed when hers were about 3. There were lots of places like Montessori nurseries which did lunch times too so mothers could work half a day (and they were expensive) and there were nurseries that opened baby rooms and took in loads of money but did little with them (and I know a cowboy property developer that got rich on that until she couldn't cope with the new Ofsted regulation and got closed down). Gold standard was to have a workplace nursery, but the large company I worked for never got one running. I know people who used friends, the company secretary, au pairs, paid someone to do the cleaning and be in when the kids came in from school. It was quite a mish-mash.

Clothes were more expensive in relative terms. I am always amazed at how cheap the stuff from the far east is these days. Same with other household goods. We went to buy a new washing machine and were surprised to find them cheaper 5 years down the line than the one we were replacing.

I'm sure your mother could have done better if she had had better childcare available and support and a flexible job. She possible got herself into a bit of a hole with it all. We are all a bit rubbish in our own ways though.

[Bowlofbabelfish]

There wasn’t much childcare tbh. We had no car seats and my parents were thought to be terribly fussy for installing rear seatbelts (this was the 80s.) by the 90s car seats were around so it does depend I think whether we are talking 1990 or 1999.

The rest is neglect.

[missbattenburg]

My own 90s childhood...

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s

Suspect there is some truth to this. My mum stayed at home through choice but I cannot remember any classmates with regular childcare arrangements and most often they just went home to empty houses if the parents worked.

Never had breakfast before school

Me neither. We had to get ourselves up and ready and I had to feed the pets also. In fact, for about a year I lived with a family friend so I could start a new school with everyone else. They worked shifts so I would be on my own all evening and cook my own tea. That all sounds a bit sad now I type it but I can't say it bothered me that much. I enjoyed my time alone and have always been self-sufficient.

Always dirty

This sounds a bit rubbish to me.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed

This also sounds rubbish. I have a genetic medical condition that isn't very obvious at all but my folks were on top of it re medical care and appointments.

Never used car seats

We always were told to use the seatbelt and told off if we didn't. I've travelled in a few boots, though.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car

Yeah, this was totally normal as are the baby-and-photos. Honestly, all my baby photos look like I smoked 20 a day and just kept asking the person holding me to hold my cigarette for me

[Winterbella]

I think it very much sounds like your mum was depressed, perhaps triggered by your father leaving her, mental health issues weren't greatly supported back then or even recognised by people.

[PrincessoftheSea]

I grew up in the 70s. I had a car seat and don’t recognise any of the things you mention. I think it sounds like neglect.

[FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast]

tbh though, there weren't tax credits and so on, making things an awful lot harder for lone parents.

[missbattenburg]

baby-and-photos should be baby-and-fag photos

[kikashi]

Well your DM was there for you - she stuck around and made do on a tight budget. Maybe she had ongoing depression and found it hard to get organised.

Even now with CTC etc it can be hard to make work pay if you have children. I paid £440 a month for my DD's nursery in 1992 in London, after paying the mortgage (interest rates rose from 5 to 13%) and travel I had pennies left to buy food with and had to sell furniture, books, records, jewellery etc to get money to have the boiler fixed. It was grim. I would have been better off on benefits (mortgage interest paid, no childcare or travel) despite having a so called professional career and it was the same for many families.

Lots of people near where I lived had their houses repossessed and sold at auction to those with well off parents (how thw area became gentrified).

People often did smoke like chimneys but by then often not around babies and everyone did use baby car seats but I do remember being distraught when some parents dropped my DC from playdates with the car stuffed with children. I think 2 uniforms was doing well - some DC at my DD's school had one uniform and that was it (no casual clothes) although their parents often had very nice cars.

[PlatypusPie]

My first was born the beginning of the 90s and I certainly don’t know of anyone who was cavalier about car seat or seatbelt usage at that time. Everyone I know used them and there was a great fuss locally when a car crash involved children who were not in belts or seats.There were still older leaflets in circulation then, though, recommending strapping carrycots ( made of quite a light fibreboard) into the back seat as baby transport.

There was more smoking in general then and certainly more in front of children.

Wrap around childcare was less available - an after school club was started in our primary as mine were leaving, so early 2000s and a breakfast club later still. Mine were also too early for any free care. There was less opportunity, at least in my field, for part time and flexitime was not widespread. I worked p/t from home when mine were little but it involved access to a fax machine and motorbike couriers picking up work

The lack of washing and the inadequate feeding would not have been seen as any more acceptable behaviour then than they would now.

[MissCharleyP]

Haven’t RTFT but it only became legal for drivers to wear seat belts in 1983 and rear passengers under 14 in 1989, so depends how old you were in 1989. Always had breakfast. I was born in 1979 and my brother in 1983...my mum did have to give up work as there were hardly any state nurseries then (just 1 in our small suburb and you had to go to the attached primary so wasn’t an option) and childminders fewer and further between than now. We also only had 1 car (quite usual back then) and so it would have been a logistical nightmare had my dad worked, me at school, brother at nursery and mum at work.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

There’s a lot of neglect in your account of your childhood. You weren’t looked after well.

Don’t let anyone invalidate your experience or tell you ‘normal, not that bad’ They are simply projecting their own view of themselves (“I’m tough, me” or their own need to play down/repress the neglect they experienced).

You are allowed to identify exactly what happened to you in your childhood and assess it.

[RayRayBidet]

Honestly I think some of it sounds neglectful. However, the car thing - seat belts had to be worn "where fitted" and car seats were for babies. If the car was old then it probably didn't have them.
Yes you should have been in clean clothes, woken up on time and given breakfast. But was your mum depressed? There was still a bit of stigma to single mothers then, a lot of discussion in the papers about kids from broken homes growing up to be criminals. Benefits were a lot less generous before New Labour and childcare was not as easy to access.
Maybe she was just horrible or she might have been depressed and not had any other options.
You know your mum, you know the answer to your question.
But being a parent can be very hard. Parents are human beings not perfect angels. Maybe she felt miserable and couldn't face the day.
Anyway, I think you need to let it go and be the best parent you can be to your own kids. If your mum neglected you I am sure she knows it. She probably feels guilty about it too.

[Hizz]

I can remember the 90s because they were last week because my children were born then.
I also discovered when I had my own children that my mother had neglected us.

I will say one thing though. There was no free childcare. No subsidised childcare and very few nurseries, because most people couldn't afford them. There were no benefits that paid for childcare.
My children went into a day nursery and the cost was equal to my salary as a civil servant. I essentially worked for nothing for five years in order to keep my job. Luckily we could live on DH's income. So I can see that if your mother was on her own and in unskilled work she couldn't afford to work.

[RayRayBidet]

I meant to say as well that there were no cheap supermarket school uniforms then either

[Confidenceknocked]

A lot of it similar to mine! Parents smoked like a chimney in the house, car etc. I used to complain my mother was flicking ash into my face as a child when in the back seat. Also no car seats, often in the footwell. I had one set of uniform for the week. I was in childcare though, this is late 90s.

[golondrina]

She sounds like a thoroughly shit and neglectful parent.

[ForeverBubblegum]

Hi everyone thanks for the perspective.

I was born 89, so this was probably 93-98, by which point I was old enough to do more for myself.

I do not doubt that it was a rough time for her; to be honest I think she may have been depressed. For the first couple of years she managed alright, but as time went on, debts racked up, and more things broke that she couldn’t afford to replace she just seemed to give up and shut down a little.

As people have said what’s done is done, and I’m certainly not going to fall out over it, but I think I will keep finding reasons not to take her up on her offers to babysit.

[sodabreadjam]

My DSs were born in the early 80s.

We had carry cot restraints, car seats and booster seats. I thought they were mandatory - maybe not.

Undiagnosed heart condition is unforgivable if there were obvious signs.

No breakfast? Surely she could have managed a slice of toast.

We only had two sets of school uniform but DSs had clean underwear and shirts every day.

Childcare was difficult and expensive compared with what I might earn. We had no family nearby. I was a SAHM until DSs went to school then I went to college and got a job that fitted with school holidays. I agree that finding and affording childcare as a single mum was probably quite hard.

[ccmms]

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s

There was limited childcare in the 90's but not like the provisions nowadays. Crucially though there was no tax credits, and a single parent in a low paid job would have struggled/not managed to afford childcare. NMW was around neither, i remember people working 80 hour weeks at £2/hour and living in poverty. Although there was some benefits, nothing near as generous as tax credits.

Never had breakfast before school

This seems a bit shit but depends on the circumstances. Primary aged i would expect mum to do breakfast. By secondary school age Id expect children to be able to get their own breakfast. If there was no food available then that would obviously be unacceptable.

Always dirty

Again primary school that is unacceptable. But by secondary school I knew how to use a washing machine. Doesnt reflect well on your mother but surely by your teens you were able to do you own washing?

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed

Pretty poor parenting.

Never used car seats

This was fairly common. There were 4 children in my family and we never ever had a 6 seater, just 4 children squished in the back.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car

Again fairly normal

[Anniegetyourgun]

That about not wanting you to be latchkey kids so she didn't give you a key... that's either hilarious or appalling, I can't make my mind up which. It is so totally missing the point as to why being a latchkey kid might be a bad thing! It's like that old tale of the girl who was told not to climb trees in a skirt because the boys would see her knickers - so she took them off.

[YouTheCat]

I was born in the 60s. My dad was away a lot with the RAF. My mum worked part time from me and my brothers being about 6/7 - so in the 70s. She had a twintub and our clothes were clean until we went out and got covered in muck .

My kids were born in the 90s. They had car seats and booster seats until they were big enough to use the seat belts. Their uniforms/clothes were clean despite the fact that I had no washing machine until they were 4.

It does sound like OP was neglected to me.

[BlueBug45]

OP - if yours are the first ones for her to babysit for then I would pass. Otherwise if she has babysat other people's children, they have been fine then you can think about it when they are over 5/6 and vocal.

[Poloshot]

Apart from the car seats thing when I was growing up in the 80s everything else isn't the norm

[CherryPavlova]

Absolute twaddle course there was childcare. Many of my friends worked full time. I worked part time. My eldest was born in 92.
They had clean uniforms daily in primary.
They had breakfast, fruit, yoghurts, eggs, toast daily.
We spent a fortune on car seats. I don’t know anyone who didn’t.
We would not let anyone who smoked around the children.
They had a lovely early childhood, went a couple of times a week to a delightful nursery where they learned French and ballet amongst other things.
They learned an instrument from 4. Swam at least weekly. Had an hours book time daily from birth.
Yours was shabby parenting. Certainly not the norm amongst my circles. There is a saying about first we are angry with our parents, then we forgive them and finally we understand them.