Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.


A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.


AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

[YouCantStopTheSignal]

You had to have car seats in the 90s.

No, you didn't. The laws on this are easily found via Google.

Up until 2006 only children under the age of three had to be in car seats, they were not compulsory for children over the age of three and the law simply had a guideline which said they "should be used where available" therefore lots of people didn't use them.

[Cantusethatname]

You had to have car seats in the 90s.
Everyone knew smoking was bad for children. It was still difficult to take them anywhere until the smoking ban in 2005 though. We spent lots of time in McDonalds with our baby as it was ahead of its time in banning smoking.

[IamPickleRick]

This is a timeline of the legislation.

Front seat belts were compulsory equipment on all new cars registered in the UK from 1972, although it did not become compulsory for them to be worn until 1983. Rear seat belts were compulsory equipment from 1986 and became compulsory for them to be worn in 1991. However, it has never been a legal requirement for cars registered before those dates to be fitted with seat belts

I didn’t wear one as our car didn’t have rear ones in. We used to sit in the boot (or the footwell if going to the safari park 😂)

[Lunaballoon]

You could have described my childhood in the 60s/ early 70s and I agree that once you have children of your own, you question our own DM/DF’s “parenting.”

My own children were born in the 90s. I had a full time job, worked shifts to fit around them which meant I was permanently knackered, but I still managed to give them breakfast and clean clothes before school.

[cricketmum84]

I was born in 84 and agree with the seatbelts and boosters. We used to ride in the boot space of my grandads estate car!

My mum was in a very similar position with a deadbeat dad who never paid anything or saw us. She took small cleaning jobs during the day until we hit about 10/11 when she started working very early mornings and we were old enough to get up and ready for school.

She smoked in the house and we never had a full food cupboard but she did her best and would buy short dated meat in bulk and make up a load of pies and freeze them so we never went hungry. We were always bathed and clean with clean clothes.

Just a thought but do you think the "neglect" could have stemmed from depression? If your mum felt stuck on benefits, couldn't work etc that's certainly a trigger for depression. Maybe she felt overwhelmed as a single parent with very low income and no support from NRP. No adult interaction, just stuck at home cos you can't afford to go anywhere or do anything? I would say cut her a bit of slack.

[crunchymint]

The playgroup movement was about stopping mums isolation and depression. It was never about childcare.

[Pikehau]

I have nieces born 93,94 and 95 and all had the baby rear facing carry car seats we have - and then the forward facing seats and then boosters.

I as a child of the 80’s remember seatbelts becoming compulsory.

She does sound pretty bad but then maybe she was depressed and sad at the hand dealt a s was stuck in a rut. No excuses regarding your health and safety though.

At least you are doing a fab job.

Sorry to hear about your heart.

[Cuppaorwine]

I had my first child in 1989 and 4 more in the 90s the car seat had to be witnessed by the midwife as you left hospital. For all of them.

I remember the fuss when Diana took William into the car from hospital with no car seat.

William is older than my ds!

I had no free 30 hours childcare l wish but playgroups flourished with mums sharing the shifts and pre ofsted but only morning sessions for £2.00.. you couldn’t really work unless your wage was worthwhile but that’s similar today and with all our kids it wasn’t worth it.

I don’t remember any parent smoking but that might be my group of friends. It was seen as commen

I think your mum was probably trying her best in difficult circumstances op.

You won’t be Mary poppins either you know

[goose1964]

My younger 2 were born in 1990 and 92 we didn't have car seats when they came home from hospital but did a bit later. People did smoke around children then. However the rest sounds like neglect, in fact childcare was cheaper as anyone could set up as a childminder so there were more of them and fewer nurseries

[Gildashairflick]

@DaphneBlake101 I reckon my daughter could have written this! I was utterly skint for years and did go to my mam's for meals when things were really tight.

[Gildashairflick]

Oh and car seats were very much a thing! Although no rear facing if I recall and high back boosters weren't a thing but she had a booster seat until tall enough for the belt to sit properly.

[Gildashairflick]

I had my first in the 90's. I was a single parent. I used childminders, nurseries, after school clubs etc. while I worked full time and shifts on a 24 rota. I only asked my family for help on night shifts. I got a bit of financial help from the government but remember it always being miscalculated and I often owed them back (not much changed there!). My daughter was well fed (a wide range of fresh home cooked food including breakfast every day without fail) and she was always sent out immaculate every day (returned home like she'd been down the pit though). I smoked but outside although did have the occasional one in the car with Windows right down (not proud of that and I've been given up for years now thankfully). Your experience does sound neglectful I'm afraid. Maybe making some peace with it and not repeating any of her mistakes is the best you can hope for now.

[crunchymint]

It was only in 2006 that car seats became legal for babies and children. Before then you only legally had to use one if it was available. In 2001 a survey found that a fifth of parents sometimes let their young children travel in a car without a car seat.
People forget how quickly things change.

[PurpleTrilby]

The 90s were not very different to now, plenty of childcare, jobs to be found it you wanted to. It was easier to stay on the dole, I think, that's the only thing that comes to mind. She chose to have kids with your father and then not do some pretty basic stuff.

[Tara336]

Car seats were law back then my dd was always strapped in or had a booster seat when older. LEAving kids alone would have been frowned upon too. There was tons of childcare available all be it expensive.

[YouCantStopTheSignal]

And prior to 1997 there was no minimum wage, average rate for a shop worker was around £2.50 an hour depending on experience. My first job was as a Saturday worker in a shop when I was 15, it was 1996 and I was paid £1.50 an hour!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

The statement "childcare existed" doesn't wash because in some areas it really didn't exist. And even where it did exist, it was totally unsubsidised. Even with a well paid career, you could find the net contribution of your salary was less than £10pw once childcare costs were taken to account - if your future earnings didn't depend on an unbroken career, was it really worth continuing to work for 25p an hour?

[YouCantStopTheSignal]

Childcare provision varied by area too. Where I grew in the North there was one nursery, attached to the local school, with 30 morning places and 30 afternoon places for the year before Reception (so 3-4 year olds). If you didn't get a space, tough. There was absolutely zero wrap around provision, holiday provision, or after school provision. I know this because my mum needed to get a job and couldn't get any childcare, even our next door neighbour who was a childminder didn't know of anyone in the local area providing wrap around and holiday care for school aged children (she herself only minded preschool children from age 0-4). Mum wanted to take the job so at the grand old age of 11yo I became responsible for walking the four of us home from school three days a week, letting us into the house, and making sure no one died/was maimed/starved until mum and dad got home at 6pm. In school holidays I was responsible from 8am to 6pm three days a week, including making our sandwiches for lunch. We would ring mum at work umpteen times a day to complain about each other, ask permission to do things our siblings had refused to do ("mum says you HAVE TO get my bike out of the shed"), and to ask all the random questions kids ask. Luckily she had an understanding boss

The statement "childcare existed" doesn't wash because in some areas it really didn't exist.

[crunchymint]

1997 was very different to say 1991. In 1991 there was no regulation of childcare, I know I worked in it. There was no government subsidy, there was in many places few nursery places, and the quality of some of it was pretty terrible. Some places closed when standards were introduced as they could not meet them. Other places struggled to get up to standard.

[Huskylover1]

Oh, and we were not allowed to take the babies home from hospital, unless we had the required baby car seat. A midwife actually walked you to the car, and made sure it was all set up correctly. This was a normal NHS hospital in the Midlands. We also had the same Health Visitor home visits that you get now. And had to attend the GP for months and months, with a book that recorded growth etc.

[Huskylover1]

Absolutely pissing myself laughing at a PP, suggesting there was no childcare in the 90's. Of course there was!

I had my kids in 1997 & 1998. They both attended private nurseries when I went back to work. They both had 15 hours free state nursery at some point. They both attended wrap around care at school (8am breakfast club). They both had baby carriers (that clipped on to a pram frame, when not in the car). They both had larger car seats for toddlers. They both had booster seats until they were about 10.

We are talking about the 1990's here, not the 1890's. Things were not very different (if at all) to now. We did not all walk around in hessian cloth, wearing clogs.

[IamPickleRick]

Breakfast? I didn’t have lunch at home until 1998. I honestly thought it was just a school thing.

[crunchymint]

The clunk click adverts only worked with some people. Lots of people still did not wear seatbelts until it became illegal not to, and older cars did not have them fitted in rear seats.

[GirlsBlouse17]

For wearing seatbelts that is

[GirlsBlouse17]

Am sure the "Clunk Click Every Trip" adverts must have got the message across to a large extent in the 1970s