Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.


A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.


AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

[UnderMajorDomoMinor]

The smoking and car stuff could be on the border of normal, but it was definitely phasing out in the 90s. Breakfast and dirty clothes it definitely neglectful. There wasn’t the culture of 5 sets of uniform then but because people did wear for 2 days. So normal to have 3 sets do 5 days but not to have 2 sets and then still be dirty on Monday!

No breakfast is awful and just lazy neglect.

Can’t comment on the working, that sounds cultural (ie in my village in the 90s there was a lot of that attitude) but leaving you in the shed is again neglectful.

[BertrandRussell]

And there was definitely childcare in the 90s. Nurseries and childminders, both official and unofficial for “ordinary” people- nannies for the well off. Loads of women worked.

[FATEdestiny]

Regarding childcare

I was 13 years old for most of 1990. I was the childcare for the 3 and 5 year old boys who lived next door. I'd go around at 4pm when their mum went to work and stay to 6pm when the Dad got home.

Nowadays parents don't tend to use teenagers as childcare like that.

[DieAntword]

There was definitely childcare in the 90s. I spent most of my early childhood in various crèches, with childminders, with my parents lodger who was also my babysitter, at “after school club” etc.

Mum never got us breakfast but this was simply a matter of her not waking up in time to do so, we got chocolate bars on the way to school.

All our clothes were clean but I did get teased for them not being ironed.

Had a booster seat and brother had a baby car seat but over the age of about 6 nothing. Think that’s normal for 90s.

Parents never smoked tobacco. Occasionally smoked other things around me and while I was in the womb too. Think it was acceptable in their subculture.

Other great 90s parenting I experienced: being locked in my room and not let out to use the toilet, no one at home to let me in even though I didn’t have a key, taking the door I’d left on the latch off the latch so I still couldn’t get in (I quickly learned how to break in through the window though), only fish fingers/chicken nuggets and chips for supper (after nagging for hours) or takeaways and never any vegetables, by about age 10 cooked all own suppers when dad was away (he worked away most of the time), never helped, encouraged or even asked about homework nor punished for either bad results or undone homework, sent to loads of classes but never given any encouragement to say practice or anything, largely given the impression my existence as a child was a huge and undesired inconvenience and could I please grow up as quickly as possible so we can all get along like adults, oh and bought weed (admittedly after loads of begging - and in Holland where it was decriminalised) by parents at age 14.

But no not all parents were like this back then.

[Nodancingshoes]

I used to stand in the back footwell holding on to the front seat but that was early 80's not 90's. I worked in a nursery in the second half of the 90's so childcare was certainly available although no funding.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Some of it sounds normal. We used to drive around with kids across the back shelf of the car, never mind without seat belts, even though we knew that was unwise by the 90s. Also smoking around children was mildly frowned on rather than a total taboo.

However not washing your uniforms or giving you breakfast...I'm sorry to say that sounds like poor parenting. As does not taking you to the doctor when you turned blue.

[KoolAidPickle]

AIBU to feel she could have done better?

Probably, but then your children will probably level the same charge at you one day.

[ShapelyBingoWing]

My DM likes to either completely re-write her 90s parenting or to excuse it in the way yours does.

Chain smoking with children in a car with closed windows? Just the way it was.

Getting plastered while looking after kids? Either never happened or just what everyone did, depending on whether she's had a drink at the time.

I was literally laughed at and told to walk off a leg injury. It's very obvious nowadays that I'd broken my leg as you can feel that it hasn't healed in the right position.

And the way she tells it to her new husband, she read to us every night and was always in the kitchen preparing home cooked meals. I actually had to check with my DB that I wasn't missing something with that one but he confirms that my memory of having nothing to read and being fed tinned burgers with gravy and other convenience food delights isn't a figment of my imagination.

I think it was certainly a time where some quite lazy parenting was accepted as normal in some circles and that many of these parents are now doing their best to pretend they were better.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Also re the childcare, nurseries of course were available, but I wonder if the cost may have been prohibitive and benefits systems were not yet geared towards "encouraging" women back to work through tax credits etc?

[SaucyJack]

I don’t know about childcare, but back then there was no pressure or expectation from the DSS for single parents to get a job. You could claim income support until your youngest left school with no questions asked.

She might have been lazy in not working and doing fun courses instead- or she might just have been
living the best life available to her at the time.

[Melamin]

I had my first in 91, and the childcare situation was not easy.

All childcare was looked after by social services and you could only use a childminder before age 2 (not a nursery), who could look after one under 1 and two under 2. They had to provide a safe home atmosphere but not the things they do now and were a bit variable.

Childminders were busy so, to get on a list, you had to book your childminder before you went on maternity leave.

[Neverender]

So your Mum had to be both Mum and Dad, your Dad buggered off completely and yet you're slating her? Doesn't sound particularly fair - you survived!

[deepsea]

Dirty clothes and no breakfast is neglect.

The rest sounds normal to me.

I had the same awakening ( In a different way) to you when I had a child. Make life easier by reminding yourself that no harm came to you and she was probably doing her best with the cards that she was dealt and the energy she had, she hobbled her way through motherhood. Like most of us do.
If she loves and supports you now then put it down to pressure ( she may have been awake all night worrying so couldn’t get up in the mornings, perhaps she used smoking as a way to stay calm etc)

We are more enlightened these days but I am sure we are making out fair share of mistakes we are not even aware of!

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Childcare was much harder to find. Lack of appropriate child restraints in cars was pretty normal. Smoking like a chimney around kids was on the way out, but when smoking was very normal in a social group it tended to be seen as OK too.

Leaving you to wait in the shed, your morning routine sound somewhat neglectful to me. As does the treatment of school uniform. Poverty and general lack of support for your mum could explain why it was hard for her to be better, but she would have had to willfully ignore a lot of stuff to think this was a good way to treat you.

[deepsea]

Our

[81Byerley]

My children were born in the 70s, and we used car seats. Let's just say your mum could have done better.

[TotHappy]

I was born in 87, to very loving, careful parents. The car thing and the smoking thing was def true for me - e did have seat belts and were told to wear them but certainly no car seats and would sit in footwell/on knees/ in boot if space was needed. May have has baby seats but certainly not past toddler years, I don't know anyone who did have them, and we would sit in the front as well. I can remember sitting on my dads knee cuddling, listening to a story while he smoked. He only stopped doing it inside when my littlest sister bad asthma - she was born in 1996. In fact by the time I started smoking he was still smoking indoors - and I didn't start until I was 16. I don't think people did know about second hand smoke in the same way.

[ReggaetonLente]

I was born 1991 and don’t recognise any of this.

[DerelictWreck]

I had my first in 91, and the childcare situation was not easy

In contrast, I was born in 91 and was in some form of childcare/after school clubs from 10 weeks to 10 years! None of the stuff on your list would have happened in our house, so I suspect (as with most things) it's just down to different circumstances and priorities.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

The childcare thing - yeah, there was probably childcare available but the support for childcare through tax credits didn’t happen till post 1997 when Labour got in. Tax Credits are generally associated with improving women’s lot as for the first time women could afford to be single parents and not have to put up with shit. I also believe there is a corresponding hike in childcare costs - although am not clear if this is cos providers could get away with charging more cos more people had support with the cost or if more people wanted the spaces because work suddenly began to pay.

Being a single parent is shite. I wouldn’t be hard on her.

[WinterIsComing84]

Born in 1984, and for the most part you could have described my own childhood/mother.
She did her best with limited money and resources, and little help.
However, I still cringe at the fact that 4 of us shared bath water once a week on a Sunday, oldest to youngest. Money was tight back then

[Trinity66]

I was born 1991 and don’t recognise any of this.

Depends what age the OP is talking about in the 90's, I was 12 in 1990 and I recogise alot of it (my mother is amazing though, my father may as well have been absent)

[IDontEatFriedTurtle]

30 hours of free child care, boosters at 4 are fairly recent I think.Dirty clothes and breakfast are bad though yes. I'd wonder though how much was to do with money as if she had money she'd just buy some more cheal uniform right?

[IDontEatFriedTurtle]

Everyone I knew was stuck in a car with the seatbelt wrapped around however many kids you could squash in the back as well. Which is probably far more dangerous that no seat belt at all.. hmm

[Elphame]

My children were young in the 1990s and I worked. No free childcare in those days so it made a big dent in my earnings.

Car seats were mandatory but not those huge things you see today. By 18months DS was using a plastic booster with an ordinary seat belt as he met the weight criteria.

My children only had 2 sets of uniform - that wasn't unusual.