Was this “How things were” in the 90’s or was DM a bit Sh*t?

[ForeverBubblegum]

My Father was an absolute deadbeat who didn’t see us or pay maintenance (self-employed, cash in hand), so she was dealt a pretty crap hand. Because she was by far the better parent, I’ve always thought of her as a good parent, but since having DS I’ve started to realise quite how bad some of our childhood was. At the time it seemed normal, but now I’m not sure if it was normal for everyone then, or just normal to us.


A few examples:

Always poor but never worked – apparently there wasn’t childcare in the 90’s so she had to quit her job and say of work until I was in secondary school. Admittedly she had been doing shift work, which would have been hard to cover, but surly there were other jobs? Ironically she did do several interest courses at the local collage, so me and DSis would often have to wait in the garden or shed until she got in after 5 (didn’t want us to be latch key kids), but she couldn’t possibly have worked during the same time. This one is especially annoying as she is now playing the martyr because her pension won’t be very good due to all the time she “had to” stay home raising us.

Never had breakfast before school – not sure if it was a cost thing or a time thing, she’d shout from her room that we had to get up/dressed about 10 minutes before we had to leave, then get out of bed herself just in time to drop us off.

Always dirty – we had 2 set of school cloths to last the week, she would say she washed it every weekend but at least half the time it would get to Monday morning and it would still be dirty. We would then have to go in wearing the less mucky set whilst she washed the other, but then only have one clean for the next 4 days.

Congenital heart defect never diagnosed – it runs in the family and I had worked out I must have it by late teens, and later had it confirmed. However despite anecdotes such as I always used to turn blue as a baby and couldn’t stay awake more than 20 minutes until I was nearly 1, she never thought to get it checked at the time. Not much they could have done about it but at least if it was diagnosed I might not have got in trouble every week for not been able to run in PE.

Never used car seats, and often no seat belts – obviously don’t remember been a baby but didn’t have any at 3 or 4 when been dropped at nursery and my younger cousins definitely didn’t (remember holding baby in car) which didn’t seem odd at the time, so I suspect we didn’t either. I also remember her commenting how strange the neighbours were for using booster seats for their primary aged children. I remember going places with her friend and kids, so there would be four of us in the back seat (so can’t have had seat belt each), and also remember travelling in the foot well or boot, though less often.

Smoked like a chimney – around us in the house and car, would never even consider moving away from us or going outside. I’ve even seen pictures of her holding me as a baby, with a fag in her hand.


AIBU to feel she could have done better? Written down it sounds terrible, but at the time it didn’t feet out of the ordinary. Can anyone who remembers the 90’s tell me if it would have seemed bad to you at the time, or were standards generally lower back then?

[eyycarumba]

Most of it does seem lazy. Car seat thing was pretty normal though? I don't remember seeing any children with a car seat, I used to lounge around the back of the car with no belt. Smoking wasn't that unusual either (I think) at least not in my home or where we visited. The (gross) smell of people's faggy homes reminds me of being a toddler

[IDontEatFriedTurtle]

not to be horrible either but the "interest" courses at the local college might have been a cover for what she was actually doing if she was struggling for money. If she was working cash in hand she might not wanted you to have known and given the game away.

[Mindchilder]

We had baby seats and booster cushions in the 90s but sharing seat belts, sitting in the boot/footwell to squeeze extra kids in was very common.

Always had breakfast and clean clothes though.

Although nursery was available I imagine it was expensive.

[ShapelyBingoWing]

Doesn't sound particularly fair - you survived!

Survival isn't the benchmark for whether the parenting you received is OK.

The OP received no parenting at all from her father. That's shit. But it doesn't mean some of the things she's describing here can be written off.

My DD's father in an absentee too. That doesn't mean I dismiss any mistakes I make through sheer virtue of being present.

[candlefloozy]

I remember family members born 96 and 97 coming home from the hospital with no car seat! We had no seat belts in our family car until 1999? In the back seat anyway. Not getting your health checked out seems a bit lazy. But the rest? Meh. We always had good dinners. But I've been smoked around my whole life. If people are not educated or choose not to listen to advice what can you do?!

[IDontEatFriedTurtle]

Also I would be shocked if she didn't mention the blue thing to someone in the medical profession. She can't be blamed for the fact that you were given shit treatment by HCPs.

[YouCantStopTheSignal]

No car seat or booster was normal in the 90s, the law said under threes had to be in a car seat but over threes only needed to use one "if available". They weren't compulsory for all children until 2006.

Childcare existed but it varied by area, some places had lots of provision and others had very little, and there was no help with childcare costs like there is now. Considering minimum wage didn't exist until 1999 (and was £3.60 an hour!) employers could pretty much pay what they liked. My DM worked in a shop during the 90s and was paid £2.90 an hour - she was the senior sales assistant, junior sales assistants got £2.20 and Saturday staff got £2. If you only earned £2.90 an hour it made no economical sense to pay a childminder approx £2 per hour per child.

Smoking was fairly normal indoors still although not as much as it was in the 80s, most bars you could smoke anywhere and nearly all cafes/restaurants had a smoking section, not many indoor places were completely smoke free.

The heart condition, the dirty clothes, and the not getting you out of bed in time for breakfast aren't normal though. My mother would wake us up in plenty of time but, lazy creatures that we were, we would go back to sleep and then leap out of bed a few minutes before it was time to leave.

In a lot of ways it sounds like she was found the best she could with what was available to her but I wasn't there, only you can judge whether it was unacceptable or not.

[mostimproved]

Everyone has a different experience but I don't think this is representative of a 90s childhood - it sounds more like the way my parents describe growing up in the 70s.

I went to nursery in the early 90s, although only for half days as my mum didn't work so it was more for the learning and social aspect, plus she had four kids so I think it made things a bit easier having the older ones in nursery some of the time. Most of my friends had SAHMs so it does seem like it was more common for women to stay at home while their children were young than it is now.

Smoking - I remember there being smoking areas in restaurants and my grandparents smoked, but my parents hated it and never let us be around smoke or smokers.

Breakfast - I seem to remember a lot of sugary cereals in my childhood, and we had to help ourselves but it was available in the house. No one sat down and ate it with us on a school day. I think the whole healthy eating thing wasn't really around in the 90s so parents weren't as bothered about their kids' diet as they are now. My family all saw chocolate and biscuits as a child's god given right and we had free access to it all day.

School uniforms - I don't think that has anything to do with how things were at the time, and I remember always having clean ironed clothes, but my mum is a clean freak. I sometimes run out of clean school tops for my DS as he still gets them dirty every day and I forget to keep up with laundry so I think it's just personality/the way your mum was rather than it being the 90s.

Car seats - we were all in car seats in the 90s and so were my friends usually, but I do remember the odd trip with four kids crammed in the back without car seats if you had to unexpectedly go in someone else's car.

Overall it sounds like your mum was trying but maybe struggled being a single parent which is normal, but I wouldn't say it's 'the way things were' as it wasn't that long ago and I don't think things were hugely different to how they are now in my experience.

[Coffeeonthesofa]

My eldest son was born in 1989 so a child in the nineties and I was a single mum for three years. Nurseries were not so common then but childminders were, my son went to a local childminder, then a free Local Authority full day nursery, also I was lucky that my parents helped out.
Your mum does sound a bit shit tbh. My son always had clean clothes, plenty of food and I never smoked or allowed anyone to smoke around my son (even my own dad). I couldn't afford a car so that wasn't an issue. It was financially hard though, I had to give up the flat I had and apply for council housing. I also suffered from PND and it was only because I had the support of my parents that I got through it. Single parents weren't so numerous then and I was a bit of an oddity at the nursery gates.
Smoking and seat belts / car seats sound more like my childhood in the 60's, by and large cars didn't have seat belts then. Most people smoked everywhere and even driving after drinking was commonplace, not an issue for me as my parents didn't have a car.

[starkid]

I used to sit in the boot of our estate car or the footwell sometimes, and we didn't have a middle seatbelt for ages. I sometimes sat on a booster seat but not always. We spent a lot of time in social clubs/pubs where smoking inside was still allowed, so had that too.

So those were perhaps quite normal, not sure about the rest though.

[Racecardriver]

I was a 90s child. Both parents worked full time. I spent a lot of time hanging around school before and after but also had jhelp from grandparents so can't really comment on childcare except that after school care was definitely a thing.
Smoking always happened outside and never near children.
Healthcare for children was really good (Australia) but my parents went private early 2000s. Never went without a six month check up. Always taken to the doctors for sever flu, ear infections, chicken pox etc.

Had one to two sets of uniform. Couldn't afford more than that. Can't say it was ever ostensibly dirty though.
Car seats were only for babies. Occasionally travelled in the back of my mother's station wagon for short journeys. I'm pretty sure that was illegal though.

[Frusso]

Born early 80s, so remember cars with no seatbelts, we used to fight over who would sit in the boot of estate cars.

My mum was a single mum for much of our preteen years, she worked, didn't get child maintenance, we were latch key kids. we always ate; even if it was porridge or toast for breakfast and jacket potatoes or stew for dinner.
She didn't smoke. And no one smoked in our house, ever.
Always had clean ironed uniform, and shoes that fit. (There were church and school funds available for uniforms for those on low income, and plenty of 2nd hand uniform sales at schools.

I think you were neglected. Even back then it would have been neglect.

[lljkk]

Forever/OP: what kind of college courses was your mom taking, for how many years? How did she manage for money if she didn't work?

The regularly unclean uniform is crap, but I could cut slack on most the rest. I was born 20 yrs earlier, mind so am skewed by a 1970s childhood.

[starkid]

I also had breakfast, but was usually a lot of unhealthy sugary stuff

[BlueBug45]

I'm in my early 40s.

There was childcare in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s as my mum had to find some in 3 of these decades, and my older sisters and sister-in-laws in the last two.

Cheap child care consisted of neighbours and other mothers you made friends with if you had no family to help you out. More expensive childcare were nannies and au-pairs.

However in the 90s, even though you could still use neighbours and friends, it became much more formalised so people started using childminders for school aged children who couldn’t be left home alone before or after school. (Some family friends are actually people who looked after the children in my family. )

It was also common for kids over 8 to be latchkey kids if they were sensible. Former colleagues have told me how at 8/9/10 they looked after their older sibling who had special needs after school until one of their parents came back.

Oh and there were summer holiday clubs in the 80s and 90s. I went to one and then when I was over 16 I worked in one. Talking to friends who went to them it seemed they were either free or cost a hell of a lot.

The car seats and smoking was normal but the not washing clothes and not giving you breakfast was neglect.

In regards to diagnosis of the heart defect - it took until my 30s for me to be diagnosed with a congenital blood disorder even though my mum and other family members would drag me to the GP when I had strange illnesses. The GPs' response would be I would grow out of it which I never did and by the time one of them started to chase it up when I was 18 I left the practice. So part of it would be due to your mother not chasing it up, but part of it could be the attitude of the GPs you saw as I have heard lots of other reports of other people's conditions being undiagnosed unless they ended up in A&E.

[Racecardriver]

Always ate breakfast but it was common for parents to to feed their children properly so state schools offered toast before school from the canteen for free.

[MissionItsPossible]

The no seatbelt thing may have been a rule but as kids in the early 90s one uncle would deliberately swerve the car down the road whilst we weren’t wearing seatbelts so we kids in the back would bump into each other and laugh and another uncle let us sit on his lap and “drive” the car using the steering wheel.

The rest sounds not normal (to me) at all. Sorry OP

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

I was born 1979 and so my childhood that I can mainly remember was 90's

The smoking was normal my df used to smoke around us all the time until he was Ill then quit and became an avid antismoker

Car seats I don't remember really but we spent those sort of years in America...i think I do remember a booster seat

Breakfast and clean clothing no...thays not normal...the only this g I would say is there is a big difference to all the time and the one off occasion...and only you know that

I admit to the odd (maybe once a term) occassio where we have overslept and DC have had their breakfast in the car but they have always had clean clothes

It's hard sometimes I think..i think back and there were things my dm did that I would never do in a million years with my DC and things that I resented her for but now understand a lot more as and adult and a parent

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

I grew up in 1970s.... Childcare available even then... But nowehrre near as common as now.

My mum worked in a school from the time I was 7 (had younger sib). So she was aroubd mostly and we only had to keep ourselves occupied for an hour or so.

Cars... Was a bit haphazard... Seat belts were encouraged to be used when available... I even had an early booster seat... Loved it as I could see out the window . Other times small kids would sit in seat wells/parcel sheld/estate boots... When I was 11 I was taken to school sometimes with a friends dad... There would be 8 kids in a small estate... , this wasn't unusual.

The lack of breakfast/dirty clothes... Unthinkable.

Sorry OP, you were neglected.

[Loulabelle25]

There was definitely childcare in the 90s. I’m a late 80s baby and spent most of the 90s at a child minders and in summer clubs. I resented it at the time - I wanted my mum at home, like all the other mums- but now I admire mum and she’s certainly instilled a very driven work ethic in my brother and me. I imagine it was less common than today but there was definitely childcare at that time. Equally, I definitely always had to wear a seatbelt and I remember having a booster seat.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I was born late 80s and no car seat was normal then. My sister was born early 90s and she had to have a car seat to leave hospital (I remember it vividly as it seemed such a novelty thing). It very much depends when in the 90s it was!

[eosmum]

I had my children in 92 and 96 and had childcare, knew of the dangers of smoking around babies etc. it was very much as it is now. Sorry OP you had a pretty shitty time.

[pallisers]

I had my first in the 1990s and my nephew was born in the early 90s.
I wasn't allowed leave the hospital without a properly fitted carseat.
If I saw the neighbours kids waiting in a shed every day after school, I'd be very concerned.

I would have considered that a very poor childhood tbh even for the 1970s when I was a child. My dad smoked but never around us. We had clean clothes and enough food and they were concerend about our health, our education, our happiness. the only difference I can see is the seatbelt thing - in the 1970s it was us kids who started enforcing the seatbelts on our parents (our first car didn't even have them). By the 1990s everyone used them.

[MyAuntyBadger]

Your childhood sounds more like my 70's childhood than my dc 90's childhood. My dc were born in '92 and '93, they had the (five point seatbelt?) baby seats, then child seats followed by booster seats until they were about 4'10" tall. Nobody smoked around them or in the house. Washing machine constantly on. I didn't need childcare as I worked evenings and weekends so dh took over, but a few of my friends were single mothers and used a variety of childcare. Your mum sounds like she may have just been a bit overwhelmed? I've no idea how I'd have coped on my own.

[missymayhemsmum]

The carseats thing is crap parenting, sorry. Very common in the 70s but by the 90s carseats, seatbelts and boosters were the norm/ legally required, though it wouldn't have been unusual to cram some extra kids into the backseat to give a friend a lift. No clean clothes and no breakfast, no medical care is neglect/laziness/poor organisation. Most single mums on benefits in the early 90s did better than that. She could have worked, but might well have been worse off if she did. There was childcare but it was expensive and getting any financial help for childcare only came in mid 90s. She may well have lost her nerve though, and there weren't many jobs about that would actually have left her better off, especially if you were off school a lot.
The risks of smoking around babies were known, but it was common to smoke and most public areas were smoky. And it is not unknown for a lone parent to be fobbed off/reassured if concerned about a baby's health, and to be reluctant to then come to the notice of the 'authorities'.
Did she do the best she knew how? Maybe. Was you upbringing a bit crap even by the standards of 90s lone parents on benefits? yes.

Is the heart defect on your mum's side? Was your mum trying to bring up kids alone while exhausted by her own heart condition?