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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Inlaws dilemma- Help!!

187 replies

Advice79 · 09/08/2018 10:19

Apologies for long post!

DH and I have been married 8 years 3 kids and currently expecting our 4th child.

We took FIL to his GP appointment yesterday, and they advised a repeat blood test needed. FIL is out of country 6 months of year due to work, and flying out of country on Saturday. I quickly drafted a letter to GP from him asking permissions for full medical history including bloods/results/appointments could be discussed with Husband, and sister in law as there have been issues in the past over communications from which meant him flying back unnecessarily.

I asked FIL if he wanted me in there he said yes, so I added myself too. (For background I usually sort out his appointments, repeat prescriptions, collections etc). Note we live almost 80 miles from his GP, and SIL has never done this in the last few years.

FIL took letter into surgery and I emailed it to SIL, me and hubby so everyone is in the loop. We then took FIL to hospital for blood test to be done asap.

SIL then messages me to say following

"Hi I’m not comfortable with the GP discussing my Dad’s medical condition with you at the same time that it will be discussed with Hubby and I. It’s not appropriate and it’s not right as we are his children. I’ve spoken to FIL about this in the past when you have suggested this before and he agreed that that is not what he wanted. I’ll speak to him about it again but there appears to be crossed wires here.

I say "ok".

At this point I speak to hubby who is in hospital with FIL and he says SIL called him, and he explained to her that FIL was happy for me to be added to letter, and consented, it wasn't done in a malicious/cohersive way.

She replies

"I’ve just seen your email. I’ll write back to the GP today once I’ve spoken to FIL to get the letter reverted. In future I would ask that as my Dad’s daughter matters such as these are discussed with me also before any action I’d taken. It’s going to now look odd that a further letter is done"

I replied stating it's inappropriate she contacts me and that she needs to discuss with FIL and my hubby. She states she doesn't know what's inappropriate and that she is well within her rights to have this view. I state the following.

"To be honest if you dont know there is no point in discussing it with you. There are many different ways in which this situation could have been dealt with and I didn't need to be involved in any of it. What is clear is that you clearly have an issue with me, and that's fine, but I am pregnant, and dont need this addition stress and attitude from you, so I would appreciate it if you don't contact me further. As previously stated please discuss with Hubby and FIL . This would have been the most appropriate way of dealing with it, as it is his medical record, and I only did what FIL discussed with me and hubby and followed his wishes. This is my opinion and I'm well within my rights to have a view too just like you"

She then replies "Stop messaging me then and stay out of family matters"

Heated conversations then took place later that evening between hubby, FIL and SIL, and SIL states to hubby that I shouldn't get involved as I'm not her family, and these are family matters, (but I'm good enough to sort out flight bookings, collecting prescriptions, take him shopping etc when needed). I only get involved in things if FIL directly asks me to help him with something.

Hubby states I am family and she doesn't get to decide who is family or not. She repeats about 10/20 times I'm not her family.

Hubby then asks if our kids are her family, she states Yes, but Your wife is not family. Hubby then states if I am not family then there is no point in any family relations, and that she needs to apologise for her comments. She says never. Hubby explains situation cannot be left as is, and things cannot just go back to normal after her comments. SIL doesn't understand and that they can! Hubby states that if she doesn't understand there is no point in continuing contact.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 13:41

Seeingadistance honestly I think it's probably something he has never considered doing, I imagine if he has it may be unaffordable for him.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 09/08/2018 13:52

Given that he's elderly, currently seems to have some degree of poor health, and is abroad for half the year, I'd think it was essential for him to have his personal and legal affairs sorted out. It would be a worthwhile investment, and planning ahead is certainly considerably cheaper than having to sort things out in an emergency.

With the best will in the world, and even with the best of family relationships, his current situation isn't sustainable. He's at a stage in his life when medical appointments will become more frequent - and unpredictable, and you can't keep travelling 80 miles to take him to appointments. And that's if he's ill when he's in this country!

Who deals with this when he's abroad?

Really, I think that now is the time that your DH and SIL need to sit down with their father and a lawyer and get things sorted out formally. It will be better for you all.

girlywhirly · 09/08/2018 14:01

FIL could use taxi’s or ‘dial a ride’ type transport to the surgery. Some surgeries will even arrange delivery of prescriptions to patients home address. It would be worth finding out about these things, if SIL is likely to be flakey.

A 120 mile round trip takes quite a chunk out of a day unless for an emergency. Not so bad if you are staying a couple of days.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 09/08/2018 14:04

I would consider sending Hippo's letter OP.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 09/08/2018 14:16

I think your SIL is very rude but I do think the gracious thing initially would have been for either FIL or DH to let her know you were going to be included in these matters. If it was my DM/DF, I would appreciate a heads up if my BIL was taking a more 'official' role like that.

That being said, it sounds as though she's been a dick for a while. By all means back off from her, but I'd leave your kids out of it for now.

KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 14:29

You don’t get to say my children are family but I’m not without repercussions

you sound exactly the kind of nightmare in law people don't tend to think of as family.

KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 14:31

Suggesting OP is the common denominator because of having gone NC with other relatives is victim blaming

yawn. Enough with the "victim blaming" for every little thing. OP is no victim and its offensive to bandy the phrase around as if it means so little.

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 14:40

@Koolaidpickle "you don't get to say my children are family but I'm not without repercussions" was said to SIL by hubby, and is a reasonable comment to make by him.

Re victim blaming there have been some posts that are victim blaming like the poster said unless you have been in the situation it's very difficult to identify manipulation etc

OP posts:
KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 14:49

Do you consider yourself a victim? Of what, precisely?

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 14:52

KoolAidPickle- there are posts that are victim blaming as I have chosen to go NC with a family member and possibly going to with SIL therefore I'm the problem- that's a clear example of victim blaming.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/08/2018 15:23

Would he be able to use a mobility scooter to get to the GPs?

My parent had prescriptions delivered monthly, I think.

Particularly useful in Winter!

They were able to get to the surgery though.

Although when not, a nurse came to them to take blood.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/08/2018 15:38

It sounds like FIL needs to grow up. There are people older and less mobile who don't have family nearby and just have to get on with it. It's ridiculous that you are all getting into this drama when there is a grown adult who can manage himself.

onanothertrain · 09/08/2018 15:43

I think it wasn't your place to get involved in the first place and why are you drafting letters? Do you have POA? I can understand why your SIL is upset, it's her father. You seem controlling and as though you're loving the drama.

dottypotter · 09/08/2018 15:45

That is so tactless to say you arent family i wouldnt blame you and your partner if you didnt talk to her again some people have no idea how to behave.

SleepWarrior · 09/08/2018 15:51

Let her get on with it if she feels your treading on her toes. It sounds like an ego issue on her part, which is entirely silly if it is. Do be careful not to turn it into a case of injured pride for yourself too - flouncing off and going 'NC' seems like it would fall into that category.

It's nice that you've been helping FIL but he doesn't sound frail enough that he desperately needs your help, just that it's useful and appreciated. So just let SIL fill her boots and get on with it if she wants to be childish, and perhaps let FIL know that you're open to helping him out again if he ever needs it.

Cloudyapples · 09/08/2018 15:53

Hungryhippos message is spot in! Kills her with kindness while also landing her with the responsibilities.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 09/08/2018 15:57

Imo sil doesn't want you figuring too high up in fil life incase he favours you in the will.
End of.
Back off as advised and enjoy your dc. Plenty of responsibility there for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2018 16:00

I agree with sending Hippo's letter, then backing away. Perhaps not total NC, but certainly LC and not initiating any contact with SiL.

In my family it's pretty much 'marriage in, divorce out'. In-laws are regarded as family, even after the death of the family member. My uncle was still family after the premature death of my aunt (Mum's sister) and my cousin is still family after the death of his wife at age 25. As a matter of fact, their new wives (and children) are also considered family after they remarried. You can't get away from us!

Nononannette · 09/08/2018 16:02

It’s only victim blaming if you are, in fact, a victim! I thought you posted to find out whether you are being unreasonable or not?

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 16:09

@Nononannette you are right I wanted to get opinions on aibu but didn't expect victim blaming- i.e. Its my fault as I've cut people out of my life before so maybe it's me, to happen- it's really inappropriate and unnecessary- a poster shouldn't need to explain other decision in their life. I think all the constructive advice I've had on here is really helpful

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/08/2018 16:18

Yes, pass it all back to SIL to deal with.

Re your FIL's legal arrangements, I would bet that it's not because they're 'unaffordable', it's because he knows making arrangements will upset at least one family member and he's avoiding conflict. That's fine for him but will leave you with a mess to sort out after his death. You and your DH should have a think about how you want to handle that. I wouldn't am surprised if you get informal requests from him to do X and Y but where he will be reluctant to put it in writing for fear of upsetting SIL.

KoolAidPickle · 09/08/2018 16:29

there are posts that are victim blaming as I have chosen to go NC with a family member and possibly going to with SIL therefore I'm the problem- that's a clear example of victim blaming

No it isn't. That's a different thing entirely. It's only victim blaming if there is a victim, the clue is right there in the name. What are you a victim of , precisely?

It's not unreasonable to suggest that if someone has a habit of cutting family members off for percieved injustices, then they may not be particularly reasonable when they are doing it this time. I think its pretty clear that you are contributing if not causing all the drama. Your email was extremely rude and she had a perfectly good point.

Nononannette · 09/08/2018 16:31

Of course, potentially, it could be you who is at fault!! Are you saying that’s impossible?
Seeing a potential pattern in someone’s behaviour is hardly victim blaming. This doesn’t sound like a black and white situation at all, based on our limited evidence

ChinkChink · 09/08/2018 17:04

If he spends more than 6 months of the year in another EEA country he is not entitled to be registered with an NHS GP. You are reading the S1 rules incorrectly - the S1 enables a person to register for healthcare with the state system of their EEA country of residence, and it is this that is funded by the UK to those entitled to an S1.

He would be entitled to urgent unforeseen treatment during a visit to the UK, but not regular care.

MissContrary · 09/08/2018 17:06

She sounds like she wants to be in control of the 'important' stuff and doesn't like you being involved unless it's the mundane crap she can't be bothered with.

I also don't understand how your fil can't sort it though. If he can manage to get himself abroad and back and cope alone there I'm sure he can manage here.

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