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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Inlaws dilemma- Help!!

187 replies

Advice79 · 09/08/2018 10:19

Apologies for long post!

DH and I have been married 8 years 3 kids and currently expecting our 4th child.

We took FIL to his GP appointment yesterday, and they advised a repeat blood test needed. FIL is out of country 6 months of year due to work, and flying out of country on Saturday. I quickly drafted a letter to GP from him asking permissions for full medical history including bloods/results/appointments could be discussed with Husband, and sister in law as there have been issues in the past over communications from which meant him flying back unnecessarily.

I asked FIL if he wanted me in there he said yes, so I added myself too. (For background I usually sort out his appointments, repeat prescriptions, collections etc). Note we live almost 80 miles from his GP, and SIL has never done this in the last few years.

FIL took letter into surgery and I emailed it to SIL, me and hubby so everyone is in the loop. We then took FIL to hospital for blood test to be done asap.

SIL then messages me to say following

"Hi I’m not comfortable with the GP discussing my Dad’s medical condition with you at the same time that it will be discussed with Hubby and I. It’s not appropriate and it’s not right as we are his children. I’ve spoken to FIL about this in the past when you have suggested this before and he agreed that that is not what he wanted. I’ll speak to him about it again but there appears to be crossed wires here.

I say "ok".

At this point I speak to hubby who is in hospital with FIL and he says SIL called him, and he explained to her that FIL was happy for me to be added to letter, and consented, it wasn't done in a malicious/cohersive way.

She replies

"I’ve just seen your email. I’ll write back to the GP today once I’ve spoken to FIL to get the letter reverted. In future I would ask that as my Dad’s daughter matters such as these are discussed with me also before any action I’d taken. It’s going to now look odd that a further letter is done"

I replied stating it's inappropriate she contacts me and that she needs to discuss with FIL and my hubby. She states she doesn't know what's inappropriate and that she is well within her rights to have this view. I state the following.

"To be honest if you dont know there is no point in discussing it with you. There are many different ways in which this situation could have been dealt with and I didn't need to be involved in any of it. What is clear is that you clearly have an issue with me, and that's fine, but I am pregnant, and dont need this addition stress and attitude from you, so I would appreciate it if you don't contact me further. As previously stated please discuss with Hubby and FIL . This would have been the most appropriate way of dealing with it, as it is his medical record, and I only did what FIL discussed with me and hubby and followed his wishes. This is my opinion and I'm well within my rights to have a view too just like you"

She then replies "Stop messaging me then and stay out of family matters"

Heated conversations then took place later that evening between hubby, FIL and SIL, and SIL states to hubby that I shouldn't get involved as I'm not her family, and these are family matters, (but I'm good enough to sort out flight bookings, collecting prescriptions, take him shopping etc when needed). I only get involved in things if FIL directly asks me to help him with something.

Hubby states I am family and she doesn't get to decide who is family or not. She repeats about 10/20 times I'm not her family.

Hubby then asks if our kids are her family, she states Yes, but Your wife is not family. Hubby then states if I am not family then there is no point in any family relations, and that she needs to apologise for her comments. She says never. Hubby explains situation cannot be left as is, and things cannot just go back to normal after her comments. SIL doesn't understand and that they can! Hubby states that if she doesn't understand there is no point in continuing contact.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
KC225 · 09/08/2018 11:50

I agree with Nicknacky. Back off and distance yourself from her by all means. She sounds a bit jealous and left out. She's rude and ungrateful - I will give you that. Hand over everything you have been doing but there is no need to go NC and drag the children into it. It's perfectly doable to be on a 'curt smile, nodding' distance from a relative you don't like.

Lifeinthelastlane · 09/08/2018 11:51

Oh dear. Of course if family have been racist toward your dh you won't want to see them, but you seem very hung up on the notion of "family". Obviously there are different degrees of family, and blood relatives are seen by most to be the closest. Marriage brings you into a family but you can leave it again through divorce, it's not quite the same.

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 11:51

Also in terms of an update for all when all of this was going on yesterday morning I said to FIL we can go back to GP and take my name off letter if he wasn't comfortable and I would not be offended. Hubby had the same discussion with him separately throughout the day on numerous occasions (I was not there) and he said No he wanted me to stay on.

When FIL, SIL and hubby spoke today after FIL stayed at SIL he then changed his mind and said he only wanted me to have access to prescriptions and appointments. I have explained that from now I don't want access to anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 11:53

Also SIL made it clear that I was not family of any sort extended or other.

OP posts:
KC225 · 09/08/2018 11:54

Your FIL is trying to run with the hare and the hounds. Step away, you have enough on your plate.

Nicknacky · 09/08/2018 11:54

I pity the FIL who has all these women determined to involve themselves in blood test results. No matter what he does someone is going to be pissed off.

NanooCov · 09/08/2018 11:55

I think you're blowing this out of proportion and would be being a bit dramatic to go no contact.

She was unreasonable in getting so snippy about the medical care/assistance - it's your FIL's decision not hers as to who gets involved - but perhaps it came from a sense of guilt that she hasn't done much to help her father to date?

This is probably a bit outing but one of my SILs has a similar attitude about who is and who isn't family - but it also extends as far as our kids. It manifests itself in a number of silly ways. If there is a family occasion not on "her side" she won't make any arrangements/discuss and will defer all discussion to her husband (my BIL). Similarly will not buy gifts etc for those not on her side of the family. Different story for her siblings, their partners and their kids.

It's all fairly trivial and annoying but I try not to let it bother me - life's too short. I consider all my nieces, nephews and in laws as my family. Might be slightly coloured by the fact that my sibling is not married and doesn't have kids though? Who knows.

Nicknacky · 09/08/2018 11:57

nan To be fair, I buy for my side and H buys for his.

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 11:57

@KoolAidPickle I have NC one member of family due to racist attitude towards hubby which I think is reasonable

OP posts:
Bowlofbabelfish · 09/08/2018 11:58

Firstly, read King Lear.

Then tell SIL that she, as family is now responsible for all of this and step back.

Nicknacky · 09/08/2018 11:58

What about the other members of your own family that you have no more contact for?

AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/08/2018 12:00

I can understand a man of his age, from a different country, not being good with technology. He’s not exactly jetting around the world running a high flying business, he’s running a vvvv small business in his home country.

It’s fine for you to be involved, whether you were family or not, because it’s what HE wants and he sounds like he has all of his marbles still.

I would ignore her whinging and carry on as you were, helping him if you are willing to. Ignore any calls/texts/emails from her. I wouldn’t make a big fuss over going NC with her. Your DH is in your corner. He can discuss whatever he feels necessary about their Dad and other than that not arrange to meet up etc. If she tries to arrange it, he can tell her it’s not happening until she apologises to you. Properly.

GandTthankyou · 09/08/2018 12:01

Sounds like she wants to be first in line for inheritance.

Nicknacky · 09/08/2018 12:02

Same could be said for the op....

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 12:03

Nicknacky I NC one family member I have several other siblings , parents, who I have strong relationships with

OP posts:
chocatoo · 09/08/2018 12:03

I wouldn't go NC, just be cool. Is this a situation where if you and SIL sat down for a cuppa together you could sort it out between you? Would need you both to be prepared to be conciliatory but if you could take the view of ' look we are both grown women, we both have a role to play in this extended family (regardless of what that role is), etc., let's find a way forward' you could then share with her what you've been doing for FIL and ask her if she'd like to take that on on. Life would be nicer in the longer term if you two could form a friendly, or at least civil, alliance.

hungryhippo90 · 09/08/2018 12:03

Sorry but I would take some time to write her an email with something like
“Dear SiL,
Our conversation was heated earlier, and I am saddened by your insistence that I am not your family, that is a view you are more than welcome to take, however, to My FIL, your father, I have been family.
After the divorce of FIl and MIl as you know FIl lived with us for two years, and when’s FIl moved out I became responsible for dealing with FILs prescriptions, shopping, medical appointments etc etc etc. I have taken on these responsibilities which have taken a great deal of time and care, because he is family.
If you asked FIl his wishes, he would confirm that he is and has been happy for me to be heavily involved with such things.

I do however see where you are coming from, and I can sense your guilt in having allowed me, as DIL to step in and take over responsibilities you should have assumed, so I will take a step back, and allow you the opportunity to deal with all of FILs requirements such as,
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
Xxx
X
X
Xxxxxx
Please don’t worry that I am offended that you no longer need such intense involvement from me, with the arrival of the new baby imminent I could really do with some extra hours in the day to attend to the children.

Much love and good luck.”

Then leave her to it.

Nicknacky · 09/08/2018 12:04

You said in an earlier post it was several members of family, not one

AStatelyPleasureDome · 09/08/2018 12:04

You sound a bit precious and controlling OP. Your children are not weapons to be used in your rift and they will be the losers if you go NC. I agree with a previous poster that it is alarming how often this is seen as a solution on MN. Whatever happened to talking through differences, resolution and compromise.

However, I agree that FIL should sort things out himself. You have enough to deal with in your life already.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 09/08/2018 12:04

So you didn’t need to be on afterall

Melliegrantfirstlady · 09/08/2018 12:05

I think it’s spiteful of you to stop helping just because he doesn’t want you on there?

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 12:06

FIL had made his arrangements clear to all in terms of inheritance which would be left to his two children. I really dont care about any of it. I'm a very independent person who has my own business and property assets so have no need for anyone else's.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 09/08/2018 12:06

Just read your update.

He sounds pushed and pulled between what he wants and what your SIL is putting into his head.

I can understand you are hurt by your SIL’s comments and probably by your FIL’s recent comment, but just leave it for now.

HelenUrth · 09/08/2018 12:07

"Because it’s an over reaction on both your parts and going NC (which I fucking despise as a MN saying) is a total over reaction and as you have done it with your own family it makes me wonder if you are the common denominator?"

@Nicknacky (and @Kookaidpickle) If you read OPs report of the row with her SIL and husband, you can see the SIL is vindictive, particularly given that OP has given a huge amount of help to FIL that SIL doesn't seem to be stepping up to handle. FIL has asked OP to help but SIL is having a go at OP rather than discussing with FIL.

Suggesting OP is the common denominator because of having gone NC with other relatives is victim blaming. If someone starts out with abusive people in their life, their sense of what is normal is off kilter from early on. So they aren't able to put a stop to behaviour that wouldn't be tolerated by a person who hasn't been affected by abusive behaviour. Thus it can get to a point where a person realises things have gone beyond a point they can tolerate and they will go no contact with a number of people in a relatively short period of time.

So to suggest someone is the common denominator in the way you did, is suggesting they are to blame - whereas in fact they are more likely to have started to assert themselves in the face of abusive behaviour.

By the way, NC is not an MN saying, this is commonly used all over the internet! You are perhaps lucky enough not to have had a master manipulator/abuser in your life and are not familiar with the various phrases/acronyms that some of us know all too well.

Original poster
Advice79 · 09/08/2018 12:08

Chocatoo I've tried to do this in the past with other issues and waited for dates from SIL to meet up to talk about them, but I get NC, it's ignored until we see each other at a family event and then it's all brushed under the carpet and things go back to "normal" until she decides to have another issue with something

OP posts: