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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:

Goldenphoenix · 09/08/2018 16:10

Oh please text her you won't be sending a replacement or any money in the future! If she falls out with you then it will be getting rid of a millstone around your neck frankly. Do defo mention she hasn't sent anything for your youngests birthday, what a prize CF and nasty piece of work!

TheMerryWidow1 · 09/08/2018 16:10

the more I've read the more angry I've got on the way you, your OH are children area treated.

You don't need to have an argument on the subject, just don't bother telling her your decision, its none of her business anyway. Your SIL can text all she likes if you ignore it that will wind her up even more, then she will explode ha!!

spidey66 · 09/08/2018 16:13

I've got 7 nieces and nephews. My personal plan is that I send gifts/money until they're 21, then just send them birthday/Christmas cards. I think that's appropriate.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2018 16:17

Exactly, one whole family present, my standard present between one family is a delivery of Thornton’s and Baileys and another get like a £30 Amazon card.

I’m astonished at your sil. The absolute cheek of say8ng her dc is upset at the lack of card/money when she’s 23!!

As mentioned, OP, no need for a row, just don’t respond and in future, just send a card, no explanations needed.

clippityclop · 09/08/2018 16:17

How common and grasping. The first time there was no thank you would've been the last for me. I would contact the 'child' direct, explain you are mystified by her mother's concerns, and you can't be responsible for the delivery of the card but hope she had a lovely day. Suggest you will take her out for coffee next time she's in the area. Ignore the mother and ignore your husband's objections and have the Christmas you really want to have with people you actually enjoy spending time with.

Original poster

deepsea · 09/08/2018 16:44

The birthday money really is just one aspect of what is ultimately a very difficult relationship.

I can't see them this christmas, and don't intend to even do drinks or anything. Nice SIL knows exactly what she is like, and I know she finds her really hard work I will get my excuses in early.

We have both told nice SIL separately that we like to see them but not other SIL so much, she listens understands and then invites everyone to everything anyway (so ignores what we have said) I can see she is in a difficult position as she wants to keep up contact and sometimes I feel abit forced into things as she knows our feelings (we don't)

This thread has really reminded me that I really don't need to keep justifying my decisions to them, and so what if SIL is offended she has done nothing at all to help family relations with her behaviour.

OP posts:

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 16:46

Does nice SIL also expect birthday cash gifts for her adult DC?

Original poster

deepsea · 09/08/2018 16:47

(we don't want to keep in contact [particularly)

OP posts:

sagasleathertrousers · 09/08/2018 16:50

My aunt still sends me birthday money. I wish she wouldn't. I'm 38. I suspect my parents still send her children money and that's why! It's all very silly. Time to stop.

Original poster

deepsea · 09/08/2018 16:51

Yes nice SIL is fully on board with cash gifts for her dc as well, and supports other SIL insisting that we keep doing it, it is not ideal :(

I get a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.
It felt at the time they were ganging up on us, but of course this is quite childish and I am sure they weren't, it just across like that.

OP posts:

PrincessScarlett · 09/08/2018 16:52

I can't believe you and your DH are allowing them to be vile to your children. Stop sending them money and stop allowing them to treat you and your children like this.

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 16:52

They definitely are ganging up on you OP.

Nice SIL sounds grasping too. It will interesting to see if she remains nice when the cash stops.

Does she remember your youngest's birthday?

ClearlyNotAFish · 09/08/2018 16:53

I get a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.

Well send one back saying that you have discussed it with DH and you would BOTH like an explanation as to why this should be a one way thing and why she has ignored your child for x years.

iklboo · 09/08/2018 16:54

Dear SIL - sorry for the delay in replying. I thought I really needed the loo but it actually turns out you've taken all of the piss.

gamerchick · 09/08/2018 16:54

Well if you act like a doormat then you'll be used like one.

Glad you're taking a stand. Tell the greedy cow to fuck off.

PrincessScarlett · 09/08/2018 16:55

And just tell them now the children are adults there will be no more cash in birthday cards. No explanation is needed but if SIL gets arsey just point out your youngest has received nothing for the last x years so you don't see what the problem is.

You need to stand up to these people.

confusedmomm · 09/08/2018 16:56

Perfect time To stop sending money tbh

Foslady · 09/08/2018 16:57

Wow, that’s nice of them deciding how to spend your money! I’d text back and just say ‘that’s a shame then, we thought as you hadn’t been sending gifts for one of our dc’s enough was enough and we’ll be sticking to that. I am really surprised that you feel we should in effect be paying you to be part of this family via birthday gifts, not very family like, is it?

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 09/08/2018 16:59

I can't believe the amount of people saying they don't buy adult family members birthday presents. There are no children in our family but we still buy for each other and go out for a family meal for everyone's birthday.

However demanding money is rude and as she hasn't done anything for your children's birthdays then I would be bothering with her.

YouTheCat · 09/08/2018 17:05

So she texted you to say she wanted you to send a 'new' card? That implies they received the first one.

I'd not bother texting back anything, or sending anything ever again.

chocatoo · 09/08/2018 17:05

Tell her to use the money that she didn't send for your child's birthday.

DarlingNikita · 09/08/2018 17:06

Of course YANBU. Your SIL is a cunt.

Block her number so she can't send any more bullying texts. Bollocks to her.

Re Christmas etc, say you want a 'no presents' rule from now on. Or suggest Secret Santa: fun presents for a maximum of £5/£10/whatever smallish amount. That's what my family do as we're largely adults and have varying incomes.

Knittedfairies · 09/08/2018 17:08

It’s not up to the SIL’s to decide anything on your behalf. I wouldn’t respond to any more texts about the ‘missing’ money. Just drop the rope.

PrincessScarlett · 09/08/2018 17:08

Good point YouTheCat. And as they've done it before with asking for replacement Christmas presents coupled with the fact they asked you for a loan, certainly looks like they are grasping.

Knittedfairies · 09/08/2018 17:09

Sorry - rogue apostrophe.

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