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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 09/08/2018 17:09

The nerve of expecting you to give adults money when she is not giving your 9 year old a gift at all!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2018 17:10

I got a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.

This was the point to do a group text and state that you are surprised to learn nasty SIL finds adult children receiving gifts when she has forgotten to send your ds a gift of card for x number of years out of 9. Unfortunately you have decided that the adult children are adults and as the giver of gifts, you no longer wish to send them gifts.

I’d get your dh to send something along the lines: “It really is unfortunate x’s card and money has gone astray again. Deepsea and I have decided it is time to stop sending money to your adult children so we are sorry but we won’t be sending a replacement.”

Then when she sends you this email 🤬🤬 reply with “We are surprised you find sending gifts to your adult children so important when you did not sent a card or present to littledeepsea for x number of years out of x. As you made the choice to not send a gift, we would never complained and ask you to do the same.”

Personally I am suspicious that think the card perhaps didn’t go missing. Once is unfortunate twice is perhaps more than a coincidence. I think they’re taking you for mugs.

PhaLANge · 09/08/2018 17:13

This is unbelievable. I am so sorry to hear you've been railroaded into giving these horrible people money way beyond what is usually fair or typical, and also against your will. This is basically a protection racket! Give money to keep the peace!

I think you need to go completely no contact with either of the sil. If you really want to keep in touch with nice sil, make it clear that you will only see her without the other one, if the other is invited you will leave. I know it's hard but their behaviour is so appalling.

Family isn't everything. Sometimes family are so toxic and horrible that it really is necessary to cut them out. Friends are the family you choose and in my experience, often much more healthy, fulfilling relationships!

Just say to nasty SIL - your behaviour over this birthday money thing is so entitled and appalling that we have come to the decision to no longer send anything. Your attitudes are unpleasant to say the least and to demand that we continue sending monetary gifts to grown adults with jobs is really quite ridiculous. A gift should be given from a place of generosity and kindness not demanded and expected. Not too mention you have ignored our youngests birthdays for years now! We don't want to hear from you again.

Then just ignore all contact and get on with your life.

Lemontart25 · 09/08/2018 17:13

Well it sounds as if you are more or less NC anyway so what do you have to lose? Being mean to your children is where I would draw a very solid line. No excuses OP stand up for yourself & your family. We are all saying you are completely right. Also of I am honest I reckon she has had the money as after all this time she knows to expect it & if you replaced all 3 cards/money at Xmas then no wonder she is trying her luck. This will not be the last unless you end it. No one need family like that, trying to keep it together just for the name of 'family' is ludicrous.

wafflyversatile · 09/08/2018 17:15

arrange to be in their part of the country when nastysil is on holiday and see nice (ish) sil then. Or invite nice (ish) sil over when nastysil is on holiday.

Honestly you're not fussed about keeping in touch so no need to worry overly about her feelings. It's not like she cares about yours.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/08/2018 17:18

Missing the point here. However still relevant i guess. Why do these posties never lose our bills in the post.
Why is it always money that "goes missing"
Now On to her cheeky fuckery.
This is your SIL making demandsShock
Even my own sister doesn't demand from me and her kids are my maternal nephews.
and Trust me she's not without her CF tendencies. Well like most of us,I suppose.
Easy for us to say but just blank her.
What's she going to do take you to court and sue you for it.

HaveSomeGrace · 09/08/2018 17:21

Op how old are these SIL’s? They sound like the twins from the Simpsons...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/08/2018 17:21

Hold on you send her kids money and your poor gobshite doesn't even get so much as a colouring boOK from the Poundland.
FucK that. Where are your balls. Stop being a dormat and I say that in the nicest possible way.

bimbobaggins · 09/08/2018 17:25

People can think, expect, hope, demand etc all they like but unless they come into your house and help themselves to it then you are in control of this.
Just stop. When they text demanding it just be firm and say no.
I don’t understand why you have allowed this to consider yet your children don’t receive anything. They are setting the precedent, all you need to do is follow it

HaveSomeGrace · 09/08/2018 17:26

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Her poor gobshite??

YearOfYouRemember · 09/08/2018 17:27

Please say what Returnofthesmileybar said.

Gemini69 · 09/08/2018 17:27

I'm stunned at the brass neck of these Sisters in Law.. and also that you've allowed this to continue to the determent of your own kids this long Flowers

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/08/2018 17:28

IT'S just a figure of speech, Grace.

Candodad · 09/08/2018 17:31

Stop and don’t think twice about it.
My soblings are much older than me and their children are much closer to me in age. I bought my nephews and nieces presents from me being 16. They are now all 20+ and my own children are 10. A few years back I told my sister sending presents to the nephews and nieces would stop when each one of them turned 18. She said “well let’s stop now then because Inwill be buying when you won’t” she seemed to forget all those years I had bought. It’s just not worth arguing about.

Rebecca36 · 09/08/2018 17:36

That's not fair, things do go missing in post sometimes. I sent my cousin a gift voucher value £20 and she never received it - but she believed me!

Your SIL is being extremely unreasonable but it is entirely up to you if you want to replace the money. If you can afford it it would be nice but please, this time, send cheque or postal order. You are not obliged to though! There does come a time when relatives don't send birthday presents any more (except for 'big' birthdays), only cards - but I wouldn't want that to happen suddenly because of this mishap.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 17:45

I am absolutely not replacing the money.

Poor gobsite really made me laugh!! Grin

SILs are in early and mid fifties with fully grown children that are heading to be in their 30s soon.

My dh is the youngest and was late to the party getting married and having dc, so we do feel very very often like the second class citizens of the family. Not just because their dc are always drinking, partying and are all of the same age, just in the sense that our dc are never considered in any way because they have all moved on from this stage (which is understandable) My dc are ignored and forgotten much of the time, and although I really don't expect anyone to make a special effort for them, I do expect them to be interested and say hello, in the same way I am always courteous to their children.

I am getting more angry the more I think about all of it. We have been too too nice for far too long. So hard to unpick now but not impossible.

I feel like booking a place for christmas very far away

Apologies in advance for talking about the c word in August, but that is likely to be the next drama on the horizon with nice SIL trying to shoehorn us into another horrible family get up.

OP posts:
bibbidybobbidyboo · 09/08/2018 17:46

I'm astounded that grown adults let other grown adults get away with treating them like this. Just say no OP!!

YearOfYouRemember · 09/08/2018 17:49

They aren't the boss of you. Just because they both think you should continue doesn't mean you have too.

jelly449 · 09/08/2018 17:50

This is ridiculous. She's 23 not 3!!! I stopped receiving money from my family way before the age of 23! Don't re send it!

BlackWatchBelle · 09/08/2018 18:05

OP, you sound lovely hen, I want to give you a hug but then a slap for being so soft for so long. Your SIL's can get tae fuck! You do not need them, they offer nothing.

To your DH, I am sorry you lost your parents but you cannot ever buy your family. Decent family love you no matter what. Time to prioritise your immediate family unit, your wife is lovely and sounds like you have 2 smashing kids. Would you want your children to be treated this way? Would you allow them to treat others that way? Time to go no contact, mourn them then move on.

CoolCarrie · 09/08/2018 18:06

Bloody hell she is a piece of work! Don’t waste any more of your money on those ungrateful sods. We stop at 18 as well and I think that’s normal. You and dh have been very kind over the years, but enough is enough. Don’t send any more money, or if you do, tell them that is the last. Stick to your guns deepsea.

BMW6 · 09/08/2018 18:18

OP just who the bloody hell do they think you are to decide what gifts you will buy??????? The fact that it is not reciprocal is not cheeky - it is fucking disgusting.
They BOTH need to be told to get lost. Grrrrr.

busybuildingdens · 09/08/2018 18:20

I think I would be saying I wasn’t prepared to send anymore money in the post (or at all) seeing as Ella’s has gone missing, and the money they send for your youngest DD has been going missing for years! It’s a mystery!

busybuildingdens · 09/08/2018 18:20

In all seriousness though, you are right not to send any more, by any means!

LemonysSnicket · 09/08/2018 18:30

Our family stops when we turn 21. How ridiculous, her daughter will understand.

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