Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

[deepsea]

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

I know this is a little off topic but being the less successful sibling doesn't let you "off the hook" regarding gifts, nor should it.

My Dsis is very wealthy and I am struggling financially. She gives me a very, very generous amount of cash for my bday and xmas. It helps a lot and I'm really grateful. I spend about 2-3 months making up her bday and xmas box of things that I know she loves. Home made treacle toffee, knitted scarf, old photos made into a collage, CDs of all the songs that mean something to just the two of us.

I understand that this is the only family DH has left, but what pleasure and support does he get from the relationship?

I wouldn't carry on either. Still at the Cfery here. In DH's extended family (he has huge family) we have an agreeement that children get birthday/christmas presents until 18. Adults get birthday cards but not presents and for CHristmas we do a Secret Santa so that every adult who chooses to participate gets one present. (membership of the Secret Santa is not compulsory - once you hit 18 you get to choose every year on the clear understanding that the choice is Secret Santa or nothing :-) ) I see my (much smaller) family the whole time so we do buy birthday presents for each other but we would NEVER coplain about what people choose /are able to give us. (IN fact my best present for years was when dNiece and her partner were feeling skint, so they took over SDis's kitchen for a few days and made sweets for us all.) Stick to your guns!

He gets zero support and zero pleasure from them.
SIL and cousins are hostile towards my dc, that doesn’t help as my youngest is only 9.
Dh probably wouldn’t see his family from one decade to the next given the choice. I think he quietly has the measure of them.
We hardly have any family left between us so it is them or nothing.
We have some great friends though fortunately

Come on op!!!sil is being a very entitled cf and you are enabling this!
DO NOT SEND A REPLACEMENT (I wonder if it's gone missing or she's hard up this week).
Tell her that her dc are adults and you will be sending a card only.then stick to it.
Have something about you.

So they treat your youngest in a vile way or just ignore completely and yet you bend over backwards to keep sending them money and obeying their orders?

You and you husband are complete mugs and you are teaching your kids that it's acceptable for family to treat you all like crap. Just saying.

Then I'd plump for nothing frankly, time to quietly withdraw from contact. You have good friends - you don't need bad family.

Just because they’re family doesn’t give them the right to walk all over you.

So there is a row? So what? They treat you this way as you continually allow them to. You say you’d love to tell her to fuck off. Then do it. You’ve said yourself that your dh is not that bothered by them

No way you should be sending that kind of money to adult neices and nephews especially if they’re not remembering one of your dcs.

They’re not afraid to be rude so why should you

My SIL gives my eldest child (13) dirty looks and makes my dd very uncomfortable. I can’t think why she does this beyond the fact my dd is very tall and very pretty, SIL is very competitive with other women and always has been. She is the type that simpers over men whilst taking other women down silently. Everyone is fair game. It is extraordinary. My MIL found it impossible to have a relationship with her when she was alive.
SIL completely ignores my youngest child as if she isn’t there, which is slightly easier than being unkind.

So it is awkward at family events because she is so rude and spiteful, an creates a bad atmosphere. To be fair she is like to everyone not just us. So now we simply avoid going to family events. I don’t want to put my children through it.

We have decided definitely not to give them any more money obviously.

I know most of this has been said already, but we have very few 'close' family members (only one brother each, and only my brother is married with 3 children we have two - they are older by some years, not that it matters) and we have Godchildren too, who we are very close to.

However, we have all agreed among ourselves (family, and friends for whom we are Godparents/they are Godparents to our two) that 21 is very definitely the cut-off! So that means that now our 23 year old only gets a card (she also has a job, although she lives at home) and our 20 year old will get something when she's 21, and that's it (she'll still be a student, but it makes no difference). The fact that one still 'gets' while the other is 'too old now' hasn't caused any kind of resentment, mainly because they've been brought up not to expect any kind of CF-ery is acceptable in life!

Our two are also the eldest of all the Godchildren, but our friends feel the same, and we've always been in agreement. One will be getting the last 'special card/present' from us this year, and she's cool with that. My nephews/nieces are younger still, but we've got the same arrangement with them too.

Your SILs are very definitely CFs! Your husband needs to be on your side on this, but even he's not, you need to take the initiative and break this cycle of CF-ery!

Glad to read that you're not giving them any more money.

From what you've said they don't bring anything resembling happiness or positivity when you meet up, the way SiL treats your eldest dd is appalling ,I'm surprised you can tolerate it if I'm honest.

You should really be sticking up for your child when dirty looks are being shot at her by her own Aunt.

My why on earth would you send money to this family? They don’t like you. They are horrible to and about you and your children. It really is time to get a backbone. So what if that means you lose contact with them. I’m nc with my brother. Sil was vile to us and once too often to dd including at the actual funeral of my stepparent and my brother was violent at the burial. I got sick of having to pull my dd to one side to explain their behaviour was about them not her.

Your eldest is a teen and your youngest 9. They need protecting from this woman. The older she is the more spiteful she will get toward them. Who cares if your kids stop getting cards and presents as a result. Wouldn’t it just be nice to stop getting horrible texts from her?? It’s been lovely since I stopped communicating with brother and wife. Zero drama. No nasty texts.

Not rtft

It has literally nothing to do with your sil as the "children" haven't been children for decades.

Their reasons for carrying on? We don't have a huge family and the nieces etc don't get very much

Somewhat more than SIL's nieces etc get, though, innit?

HolyMountain It was at someone's wedding so very difficult at the time to call her out on it, but we have to all intents and purposes gone nc with her the exception of the cards (and birthday/xmas cards) because I won't allow so called family to treat my dc like this. So it is self solving that if we never see her then she can't make us uncomfortable.

Xmas is always tricky though, as is my other SIL who tries to keep up the happy family routine (all the while gritting her teeth I may add)

You honestly don't need people like that in your life even if they are 'family'.
The way you describe their attitude towards your children is disgusting and shouldn't be tolerated by you or your DH.
My outlaws in laws are vaguely similar and that is precisely why I'm NC.
I don't miss them. My children don't miss them and they probably don't miss us!
'D' still has a level of contact which I find difficult due to the way they've treated my children but that's up to him.
It's bliss not seeing them anymore!

We hardly have any family left between us so it is them or nothing.

Nothing is far preferable, and you have decent friends and your h is not bothered about seeing this bullying twat of a sister he has. You're not assertive so just ignore her texts. Send her FA. I'd actually block her. I loathe people who bully others like this. STOP engaging with them.

Christmas is such an emotive time , where families are supposed to get together and enjoy each others' company but this woman sounds absolutely horrendous.

Your other SiL seems oblivious to her sister's treatment of you or simply doesn't care.

Xmas is always tricky though, as is my other SIL who tries to keep up the happy family routine (all the while gritting her teeth I may add)

Not tricky at all. Just tell other SIL you're no longer wanting in person contact with twat SIL and would like to see her separately.

You got yourself a prize CF there OP. xxx

Doesn't sound like you have much to lose.

You say the other sister is nice. Does she also comply to keep the peace? Can your DH speak to her about it? Find out if she doesn't think it's all ridiculous? Do her adult children also still live at home? Maybe your DH and niceSIL can present a united front against evilSIL and both stop the birthday money nonsense.

And as with every previous poster, stop sending money.

Send a replacement card to the daughter saying sorry the other card went missing and you hope she had a lovely birthday. Put your mobile number in there. If she wants to get in touch with you independently she can.

As for SIL if you fancy why not text back and point out that you'd like replacements for the 8 cards and cash that have gone missing on their way to your youngest. If you're going to go, go nuclear.

Do what works for you from now on, you don’t have to keep getting sucked into their world where your
Family are lesser beings to be walked all over. If you do like one sil, invite them round the week before Christmas for drinks. If you don’t see the other one it can’t affevt you too much if she kicks off- texts can be ignored, phone calls not answered...

What should I do at xmas if we see them? Should I take a token gift for each child?

Once the children in a family group reach 18, I move to buying one consumable family gift to be shared - ie a good box of chocolates or biscuits. This might be a good solution for you for Xmas if you're worried about going totally empty handed. If they tell you they don't like those things (they sound rude enough to do this) you can say they should pass them on to the nearest food bank.

One SIL is nice and one (this one) is not so lovely. Between them they are running the family show now, and they seem to be making all the decisions.

Came to say the same as HolyMountain.

You and your DH have your own family - they can run whatever they like but it shouldn't impact on you.

Stop the cards.

Send them a message saying how much they owe you for DD2's missed birthday (8 x £30 by my calculation).

Don't see them at Xmas.

It doesn't mean you have to go NC necessarily (although I appreciate you barely see them much as it is) but do not meet on any occasions where it is customary to exchange gifts.

Why spend Christmas with people you don't like, who are mean to your children? Because the Sisters Grimm say you have to and they'll have a big tantrum if you don't? That would not sell a Christmas to me.

You are engaging too much, like you need their permission, or to be in a perfectly defensible position before doing anything. You don't have to be perfect yourself to shut down a CF.

There is absolutely no need whatsoever to respond to her text. There is no need to announce that there will be no more cash gifts for adults. Simply send cards with no cash in future and completely ignore and CF texts or messages, like they didn't even happen. Maybe their texts got lost in the ether.

Book yourselves a lovely Christmas at home alone or on holiday somewhere. When they invite you for Christmas simply announce you have other plans this year then ignore any nonsense.