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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 09/08/2018 10:53

We stoped at 18 (sisters kids are older than mine) and she stoped at the same time! So mine have 'missed out' if you like by a few years
But the money I save goes on them anyway and it enable us to give bigger gifts to our own children
£30 x 6 is an additional £180 between your two - which you can use to buy them big ticket items "from aunts"

Look at it that way and your kids are so much better off in the long run

BobblyBits · 09/08/2018 10:53

In our family (or DH family) the same old £30 John Lewis:house of Fraser voucher gets passed between us until someone spends it and then gets a new one. My DH has 3 siblings and it gets v frustrating. We still do their kids too although they’re young so not a problem. Also do wives of siblings. Always £30 and always adds up. Ridiculous

dementedpixie · 09/08/2018 10:56

Adults get just a card in our families. If we send money it's £10-£15. As for a token Christmas present, how about a bottle of wine or spirits each instead of cash. That way you have something to give and it's not too expensive

diddl · 09/08/2018 10:57

"The last time this happened a few years back at xmas we did send them all replacements."

Shock

If your kids aren't bought presents by the SILs then just turn it back to them-"we've decided to join you in not buying presents".

But really it's enough to just stop at a certain age of your deciding.

Your money, your choice!

JustJoinedRightNow · 09/08/2018 10:58

OP I just think you needn’t worry about a family falling out, because simply, what you currently have is not a good family, but rather people who are using you and taking money from you. Actually not taking, but demanding money from you.

If you fell out with them you would find yourself much less stressed and financially better off!

diddl · 09/08/2018 10:59

"£30 x 6 is an additional £180 between your two - which you can use to buy them big ticket items "from aunts" "

Why would you pretend that they are buying presents?

HolyMountain · 09/08/2018 11:00

Between them they are running the family show now, and they seem to be making all the decisions

You need to step back from this.

They are not in charge of running the lives of you , your Husband and your family decisions and the sooner he can get through this fear, obligation and guilt the better.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 09/08/2018 11:01

Tell her you will send more money when she starts acknowledging your youngest dd's birthday. Cheeky bitch that she is

SadieHH · 09/08/2018 11:01

I'd reply saying "Dear Grabby SIL, I won't be sending a replacement envelope of loot. Oh and by the way it was Sophie's birthday on the 24th April, as indeed it was on the 24th April for the previous 8 years. Please could you forward 8x birthday cards plus 8x £30 ASAP. Here are my bank details as I wouldn't trust the post office..."

ChocolateWombat · 09/08/2018 11:02

And no, don't raise the fact they haven't sent your DS regular gifts. Do not make this into a row or a matter of who is right and wrong. Maintain your dignity, just state your decision and don't enter into discussion or apologies.

It does strike me as a bit odd that you sent the cards to SIL and not direct to the kids. Absolutely communicate with the kids direct now - treat them as adults and expect an adult relationship and communication with them - so Sen dChristmas cards to them at their addresses. And definitely text your decision direct to them and don't expect SIL to relay the message or relay it accurately. If you do t know their addresses, ask SIL for them - you can say they are adults and you'd like to correspond directly with them now. If your DC are adults, send her their addresses too, in case she-D like to do the same.

When you next send birthday or Christmas cards, makes sure you write your address in them too. Maybe these grown up nieces and nephews don't know your address - they have been babied by their mother, but if you treat them as adults and deal directly with them, you might find you start to get an adult response from them too.

I think many families find adult children slowly move out of home and the adult generation doesn't have mob no.s or dresses for the newly adult children and a lot of communication still happens through the parents generation. You can start to move this on and now seems a good time.

GlitteryFluff · 09/08/2018 11:02

Please don't send replacement money!

GreenTulips · 09/08/2018 11:13

It does strike me as a bit odd that you sent the cards to SIL and not direct to the kids

They still live at home

Rudgie47 · 09/08/2018 11:15

No need to be rude or anything, just say its cards from now on and no replacement money you grasping cow.

rainbowstardrops · 09/08/2018 11:20

So she doesn't send one of your young children a card or present but she expects a card and money for her adult children????

I can't believe you've never confronted her on this but I'm a bit of a gob shite and am nc with my outlaws Wink

Send her a text ...... 'Fuck off'. That should do it

onalongsabbatical · 09/08/2018 11:27

@deepsea is your dh the youngest sibling? Because really he's being bullied by his sisters and may not be aware that that's what he's on the receiving end of. I've not read the whole thread but I've read all of your posts and I think this is much more concerning than just birthday expectations gone over the top.

Rosarollo · 09/08/2018 11:30

This relationship will never be repaired. Cut your losses now. Parents probably open post anyway but its all very money grabbing. All kids in extended family received money on occasions which stopped at adulthood.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 11:34

Yes my dh is the youngest by quite some years, and yes I agree they do lack respect for him despite the fact he is now a much older and very respected professional man.

There is more than a whiff of expectation and entitlement from them.

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 09/08/2018 11:35

text back

" I thought we had decided to stop money for birthdays as since we last spoke about it 2 years ago you have not sent Sophie Deepsea anything for her birthday, which is fine; so I suggest we leave it at that and just stick to cards" love Deepsea

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 11:38

Believe me I would love to tell her f* off in no uncertain terms

OP posts:
Alcina · 09/08/2018 12:08

I don't understand why SIL texted you rather than her brother about the missing card and cash. (Sorry if I've misunderstood.)

I also don't understand why your husband hasn't previously raised the lack of card for your youngest. Couldn't he just have said to his sister at some point, 'You know, Sophie's a bit sad that you always remember her sister's birthday, but not hers'?

But it's probably not the time to mention it now!

I see that your husband doesn't want to face a family fall-out, but if you and he are exasperated by this, then your SIL has already caused ill-feeling in the family, hasn't she? And I do think it's for your husband to sort it out with his sisters, really. Maybe he could phone the other sister and have a chat with her about it?

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 12:11

SIL clearly thinks it is my job to send cards and do presents etc, as she always texts me about them. I have done nothing to help myself in this respect because I have always done it (his very long working hours are no excuse really)

He is a laid back person and prefers to avoid any kind of scene, but it does rather leave us in situations like this :(

OP posts:
Theweasleytwins · 09/08/2018 12:24

Haven't received a present from my actual aunt and uncle since I was about 16? I'm 27 now
My 'aunt' (awesome godmother) still gives me and dsis a couple of thoughtfully selected presents and money. I still make/ buy her presents
My gps and dps still give me money to be spent specifically on myself (sahm) always make them presents or buy them something small

I would never expect anything

On the other hand dh gets fuck all from his parents who buy loads of presents for our children. He buys for them but they don't bother with him which is a bit sad

ShumpaLumpa · 09/08/2018 12:54

Is DH more successful than them, OP? That sometimes creates a sense of entitlement from less successful siblings, even when they're older.

Original poster
deepsea · 09/08/2018 13:11

Yes he is more successful than them.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 09/08/2018 13:20

I know this is unhelpful but I'd be so tempted to text back 'go the fuck away'.

Possibly this is my current mood but your SIL is an arsehole. 🤭