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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 10/08/2018 15:56

Some PP's have already mentioned this; how do you know that "other/nice" SIL agrees? How do you know that cards (or maybe just the enclosed cash) has got no further than the home address? Maybe comparing notes without going through "central control" could be revealing......
The suggestion made by a PP was good; wait for the next DD's birthday, or Christmas, to pass unacknowledged, then send a text of your own saying "good idea to call a halt now they're all grown up" also "now the children are older, we're ringing the changes for Christmas Day and going on a short holiday; maybe meet up just before or after."

bigknickersbigknockers · 10/08/2018 16:00

'Given you have neglected to send a card and money for youngest since she was 1, please can you transfer 17 x £20 (£340) immediately. That should cover the last 17 years.'

absolutely this.

Original poster
deepsea · 10/08/2018 16:01

My dh spoke to both of them individually a few years back the first time we tried to stop, so I know they both feel this way, and then SIL sent a text to say they had decided we couldn't stop birthday money this time.

The tone of her text was of outrage actually, really annoyed and upset with me for suggesting it, I wasn't expecting that if I am honest. I was expecting her to say yes it is about time we stopped and thank you for all of the years of gifts, but no it was really really aggressive and made me question whether it was me that had made the mistake in all of this. Hence my thread.

OP posts:
hannnnnnnxo · 10/08/2018 16:19

To be honest, your husband should really take the lead in dealing with this as it is his sister. At this point he’s basically just giving her money twice a year under the disguise of birthday money for the (adult) offspring. Honestly I don’t think it’s normal for adults to get money for their birthday off of every aunt/uncle - maybe when they were younger but not as adults, unless they were particularly close to them.

Brambleboo · 10/08/2018 16:39

You know what, I bet your niece barely even noticed there was no card/cash. I imagine, though, your SiL donning her detective cap and goes through all the cards when your DN is at work, to find out if anyone has DARED not send her precious adult child a card. How very odd she sounds.

If she insists this 'vital tradition' must continue, you'd be perfectly reasonable to politely point out that she forgets your youngest every year, so it can't be that bloody important.

user1467718508 · 10/08/2018 16:42

Just over here, daydreaming about CF SIL chancing upon this thread, and realising what a manipulating parasite she is.

p.s. I'm also in the card-didn't-go-missing camp.

BigPinkBall · 10/08/2018 17:14

My rule is if I send a present and I don’t get a thank you within a week of the gift being received then that person doesn’t get another gift, familial or not.

TwoBlueShoes · 10/08/2018 17:17

I wouldn't personally get into the lack of gifts for your daughter.

Just say that you feel the "children" are old enough to stop birthday money now and stop doing it. Don't explain further, don't get into an argument. Just state your position and move on.

FarrahMoan · 10/08/2018 17:19

I suggested to my sister that we stopped buying for neices/nephews when they turned 16 or 18 - I can't remember. She didn't want us to stop, despite the fact that my eldest nephew was working p/t, never said thank you and we rarely saw him.

I stopped anyway. Interestingly her present buying for my young kids has been sporadic ever since. The only birthday present my 6yo has ever had was for his first birthday.

Like pp have said I think she's forgotten the 16/18 years of presents that came before

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2018 17:24

Very rude, good excuse to stop right now. They are grown adults.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/08/2018 17:26

Sheffield not decide to stop, you do. What is she, your controller.she is rude, grabby and has very poor manners. It is a gift, not expectation.

Nousernamefound · 10/08/2018 17:27

Perfect time to stop.

Hungryagain · 10/08/2018 17:30

Tell ur SIL to fuck the fuck off! She is being so rude & obnoxious, anyone would think it’s for her! (Do her kids msg back thanking you for the card/money?) send only cards now, they are old enough to do without, a card is thoughtful enough.

user1485851222 · 10/08/2018 17:30

Don't even acknowledge the conversation further. From now on just send cards. They are adults, they would probably be motified if they knew their mum was behaving this way. It is entirely upto you, what you give or don't give on birthdays. If she has the cheek to moan again, then give her what for...

DesignStatement · 10/08/2018 17:36

WOW - this is not a sound family relationship so I doubt there would be much of a loss if you had a ‘fall out’. Can’t believe someone could behave like your SIL. I would definitely not send more money - they sound ungrateful, greedy and entitled. I’d give up on the gifts completely and solve the problem.
Your DH is not helping by cow-towing to them. Sounds like they operate on a horrible level and need standing up to or ignoring altogether.

Attitude84 · 10/08/2018 17:37

I get the impression that the money you are sending doesn’t even make it to the much older children and she is keeping for herself.

I would send a reply demanding right back that she stop begging for money and to leave you alone. Cheeky bastard.

Jayfee · 10/08/2018 17:38

Absolutely with the stop at 18. They are no longer children.

RightyHoChaps · 10/08/2018 17:38

Have you sent a text to her OP saying you are not going to replace the money? I read upthread that you intended to but couldn't see if you had yet?

She sounds like a user. I know its family but get this person out of your lives. I genuinely cannot see how she benefits your life at all or how she represents what family should be. Awful.

GoodbyeBlueMonday · 10/08/2018 17:40

Sorry, haven't RTFT due to indignation, but got to DH doesn't want to fall out because they are the only "family" he has. They are not family, they are blood relatives. Family actually give a shit about each other. I have a lot of family who I am in no way physically related to, who are kind, concerned and care about us and our kids. I also have a lot of blood relatives who can quite frankly go and fly a kite. I think your DH needs to learn this distinction as it can be exhausting pandering to assholes because they share your DNA.

Everyoneiswingingit · 10/08/2018 17:40

Bank transfer!

Everyoneiswingingit · 10/08/2018 17:41

Re above. In future do bank transfer but I wouldn't send more.

astoundedgoat · 10/08/2018 17:42

When you texted her saying that you didn't intend to replace the money and she fired off back at you, did you reply, OP?

Also, if there's a family row, how would you really notice? As said upthread, a row is only a row if two people participate. It doesn't sound like them kicking off would have any impact on you.

It would be nice to drop a text to her saying something to the effect of

"I didn't realise you would take this so much to heart, as you haven't sent Minideepsea2 anything for the last few years, for instance. Honestly - there's no need to worry about it, she would never be so cheeky as to expect a gift from you. I only mention it because I thought this meant that you wouldn't place such undue significance on a gift that Ella has never actually acknowledged anyway."

Everyoneiswingingit · 10/08/2018 17:43

Oh no they're adults! Scrap that. Stop sending /transferring any cash!

ApproachingATunnel · 10/08/2018 17:44

This thread is raising my blood pressure- stop pandering to these idiots. Their demands for new bloody card and whinging about adult niece being upset is beyond ridiculous.

blaukop · 10/08/2018 17:45

Dear God, the cheek of this woman is unbelievable! They are not babies, but fully grown people who quite frankly, should feel ashamed of receiving sums of money every year. Think it is more about the SIL's feeling aggrieved, more than anything. Clearly, you don't need people like her in your life. And it's all so one-sided too!

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