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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
FurryDice · 10/08/2018 20:43

I used to have to text my own sister to double check the kids’ birthday cards with money had arrived, because neither she nor the kids ever acknowledged them or said thanks otherwise. I gave up sending them in the end.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2018 20:44

As I understand it, it's the sils' children that are adults. Op's kids are a fair bit younger.

FurryDice · 10/08/2018 20:51

They should definitely know better then. My nephews were teenagers with their own phones so could have texted their thanks. I still felt bad about stopping but I just got so fed up with the ingratitude.

JuJu2017 · 10/08/2018 20:56

YANBU.
Did you bring up the card to your SIL and find out it was lost, or did your SIL call/text you to ask where it was as she hadn't receieved anything? If your niece was younger and your SIL had behaved reasonably (i.e, not expected a present and not been rude when one didn't arrive), I'd consider treating your niece when you next see her as a sorry.
To be quite honest, although I understand every family is different, I was under the impression that presents stopped when nieces/nephews turned 18 and monies were given to great nieces/nephews instead as and when they arrived. Maybe this should be a turning point for you and your SIL and an amicable, joint decision not to send presents to adults should be made.
My mum and her brother no longer speak over an issue with a birthday card and it's just all so catty and stupid - there's more to life than cards and money anyway.

JLo1979 · 10/08/2018 21:00

My eldest aunt requested that my mum and other aunt stop sending money to her children once they turned 18 as they were all adults then and she would do the same when we turned 18. My mum agreed but my other aunt didn’t and so I still get a card with £10 every year(I’m nearly 40).

My own nieces and nephews I spoiled rotten with babysitting, toy, birthdays and christmases. One year I received message from now exsil that our kids spent no time together and she wasn’t sending gifts anymore, the day before my sons second birthdays(her eldest nearly being adults at this stage). It upset me not for the gifts but I always and still do spend time with her kids and her eldest more so than her as they are nc and he lives with my mum. Nasty piece of work and I have never spoken to her since said text. It was the straw.

Please do not resend any card or cash to your dn. This sil is not worth your time!

Smudge100 · 10/08/2018 21:08

Send nothing further, no replacement, no cards of any description, certainly no money and make NO EXPLANATION. Just stop. YANBU but your SIL is. This is a ridiculous situation and one you’ve already said you can’t afford.

Gildedcage · 10/08/2018 21:13

I buy my adult niece and nephew presents for Christmas and Birthdays. I buy these because I want to. I don’t give them money because they earn their own and they don’t need money. I try to buy something that they would not buy for themselves (or at least with any regularity). There aren’t rules for when you stop sending gifts, unless of course you make your own! I agree, stop sending the money, for no other reason than you don’t want to make a gift. Also the lack of acknowledgement of your gifts by your nieces’ etc is pretty poor form, it doesn’t make you want to spend time choosing a gift if they can’t even acknowledge the sentiment.

A gift is never to be expected, and those who expect don’t get!!

E17Stowmum · 10/08/2018 21:23

Oh do share with her the text she sent, go on...

Tistheseason17 · 10/08/2018 21:24

They are adults. Stop.

notapizzaeater · 10/08/2018 21:24

She really is a cf .... it's not one rule for you and one for them

GreenTulips · 10/08/2018 21:31

JuJu2017

SIL demanded a replacement whilst op was in hospital

OPs 9 year old is ignored for birthdays and in person

DN are shearing towards 30 and work

Please read before you comment 'it's just a card'. It isn't

thebewilderness · 10/08/2018 21:34

Send a belated birthday card. Card only.
I am sorry this happened to you.

My cousin never told me that the card I sent to her youngest never came. I only found out two months later when it was returned to me as undeliverable for no reason that I or my post person could figure out.
From then on I always hand delivered cards with money in them.

Gide · 10/08/2018 21:37

Your SILs cannot decide between them that you should carry on sending money. Only you can decide this by just stopping. I’m glad to hear you’ve gone nc, they are cheeky fuckers of the highest order.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 10/08/2018 22:45

Wow! Your SIL is a proper twat isn't she and the nice one doesn't actually sound much nicer!!

I know you said you won't but I really wish you'd tell her she can kick it of the 8 she owes your youngest! And thank her for th good wishes whilst you were stuck in hospital. I'm of the opinion that if you (one) wouldn't take certain behaviour from a partner or a best friend then you (one) shouldn't take it from anyone else. Thank why're not worthy of you!!

Hushhush89 · 10/08/2018 23:58

Defiantly do not send a replacement...

My brothers birthday was in February so I posted his cards end of January, messaged him to keep an eye out and till this day he still hasn't received them. I apologised and offered him some money (same amount I put in card) and he told me not too (This is how family should respond, they shouldn't demand you post another with more money)... (I'll admit when I was at his tho I did leave some in his room as I felt bad...lol).

I now only post cards through post office and I always do it recorded delivery, that way I can check online that it has been received and if I'm not happy with the signature I can kick off about it. I post cards without money in the post box and I find it better if you stick them in brown envelopes as they can't tell it's cards and since I've done it these ways all my cards have been received xxx

YeahILoveSummer · 11/08/2018 00:39

She is incredibly rude don't give in to her. She sounds awful. You have been more than fair and she has not treated you with any respect. I'm mad for you 🤬

keffie12 · 11/08/2018 00:53

Good grief! Just because she says or demands XYZ does everyone jump to it with her?

A big fat no. They are grown up and should be working. Even if they weren't it's your choice and money. Your psrt im this is letting her conttol you. Stop it now.

The cheeky mare doesn't even send to yours.

Oh and if she stops talking to you at least you will get some peace. Its time you stood up to her

Passingwords · 11/08/2018 01:41

How does she know? Do her adult children all live with her & she checks their post or does she grill the re who has/hadn’t sent them anything?

celticprincess · 11/08/2018 06:59

My aunt sent some m&s vouchers in a card to my children at Christmas and they never arrived. I only knew as she rang me to say she hadn’t had her thank you message from me which I usually send. The card/vouchers never did arrive. We chalked it down to experience. No way would I demand she send more.

As for adult nieces and nephews in general I guess it’s usually up to the individual. My other aunt still gives me a card with a hair dressing voucher in it. Birthdays and christmases. She’s very generous and we see her regularly. The aunt mentioned above sent a card with a cheque for my 40th but doesn’t usually the other birthdays. My ex’s aunt always gave me a card with money in until we separated, and for a year or so after actually. His other aunt has stopped sending all great nieces and nephews money as she can’t afford it now as there are so many. She messaged us this and we had no issues with this.

OP needs to just stop sending money if that’s what she wants. Sil is being unreasonable.

HeatherChloeDog · 11/08/2018 07:11

If you went money in the post (1) a bit stupid but (2) it was a gift and so bad luck, the gift got lost,

Grown adults, give them money when they visit you. Invite them, if they come, shower them with affection and money, if they don't, then nothing,

Send them cards and say you'te not sending money any more as you can't trust the post, but you'll give it to them when they visit,

Petronius16 · 11/08/2018 07:15

Haven’t read the whole thread but hope someone has posted - DH's family DH's problem. He doesn’t want to fall out then, from now on, he buys cards, sends with money.

Pinkvoid · 11/08/2018 07:20

Never send money in the post! I’m shocked anyone still does this tbh.

Anyway, yes definitely stop sending them birthday money.

HeatherChloeDog · 11/08/2018 07:20

Regarding all the posts about not sending money after 18 - remember that children don't know this and at 18 they are still at school. When an 18 year old opens a birthday card and they are in the Sixth form and still have another 3.5 years of education and no income ahead of them, if you decide to stop sending money, it is best to explain why, and at least send them something as a present - a small box of chocolates doesn't cost much.

If you don't like them or aren't close, then fine, but why does their age matter? If you are not close when they are 15, stop then, or if you are close when they are 19 and in university, and struggling for money, carry on.

jocarter67 · 11/08/2018 07:32

She is very rude and has no right to speak to you like that. I genuinely have never heard of anyone sending adult nephews and nieces money for birthdays, I think you need to stop, you have 2 young children and you have 6 adult nephews and nieces. Put the money aside for your own children. She sounds like she is money grabbing and very ungrateful. If you carry on, you will end up sending money until they reach their 60’s .

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/08/2018 07:33

Glad you’re feeling more confident OP

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