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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/08/2018 06:17

CF SIL do not get to tell you what to do! Time you and DH stood up to them.

TwoBlueShoes · 10/08/2018 06:22

I got a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.

It's your money, OP. Who the fuck cares what they think.

You have one life. Stop pandering to these assholes.

MrsAidanTurner · 10/08/2018 07:03

It's illustration of how manipulated he is.. The sisters discussed what he should do with his, your money and they decided for him... He is neck deep in control issues. Break free.

strawberrypenguin · 10/08/2018 07:09

They can't force you to send money and you don't need their permission to stop. Just stop. You don't even need to tell them.

Think about how they've treated you and your DC. Stop letting them dictate your life. Get angry about it and do what's best for you and your children

Allegorical · 10/08/2018 07:11

I really think you should explain to her that you are not resending the money. You can’t afford it and your youngest is also still waiting. For their last two birthday presents but you had the good manners not to mention it. She needs it spelling out to her that it isn’t on.

Caribbeanyesplease · 10/08/2018 08:11

Threads like this are so annoying!!

“I’m a limp lettuce who is being ordered by a family member to do something totally unreasonable. Should I do it?”

Woman the hell up. How the heck do you parent effectively? Work effectively? Live as an adult??

MrsAidanTurner · 10/08/2018 08:37

It is annoying, but it shows how conditioned we are, how we want to please or not upset people or.. Walk on hot coals to keep up family links for our children

Caribbeanyesplease · 10/08/2018 09:03

MrsAidanTurner

This thread demonstrates that for many mumsnetters this level of “limp lettuce-ness” really is in another league

SirB0bby · 10/08/2018 09:26

I would say something along the lines of "I'm sorry niece didn't receive the money that we sent. Coincidentally, neither did DD2. Why don't you give DN £20 and I give DD2 £20 rather than each of us resend it. And while we are on the subject, we've decided that as they are all adults, we are going to just send cards from now on".

Fuzzywig · 10/08/2018 09:37

Send a replacement card with a slit running 3/4 the length of the bottom of the envelope. CF’s

WowLookAtYou · 10/08/2018 10:54

What do you mean, she's "insisting" on a replacement? She can "insist" all she likes, but she doesn't get to tell you how to spend your money.

Uncreative · 10/08/2018 11:02

If they mention this again, be direct.

‘SIL, this is getting very one sided. You want us to send presents to your children but haven’t acknowledged DD’s birthday for x years.’

Nothing further than that. Watch them squirm and justify and then just say ‘really?’

spiderplantsgalore · 10/08/2018 11:24

‘SIL, this is getting very one sided. You want us to send presents to your children but haven’t acknowledged DD’s birthday for x years.’

This is exactly what you should send.

Do you only have SIL's word for it that 'nice' SIL agrees with her?

But of course you've said that 'nice' SIL is just as greedy for money for her grown-up children.
You've also said she insists on bringing you and nasty SIL together even though you've told her this makes you uncomfortable.

She really doesn't sound very nice at all, just a bit less nasty than the other one.

Butterymuffin · 10/08/2018 11:29

'We'll have to agree to disagree on this' is a very useful phrase with people like this.

LeighaJ · 10/08/2018 12:56

I don't think nice SIL is actually nice, she just seems so by comparison to CFB SIL. 🤔

Kinda like how it was easy for me to be the "good" child as a kid because my sister was (and still is) a "nightmare" child.

"Nice" SIL is also grabby and supports CFB SIL in not only demanding replacement cash But more then you gave originally.

"Nice" SIL ignores her brothers feelings and that of you as well and does what SHE wants with family gatherings.

"Nice" SIL manipulates you all in to being forced to spend time with CFB SIL, so She can pretend everything is great on paper and social media I'm guessing too.

"Nice" SIL sounds happy to sit on the sidelines and not call her sister out on her cunting ways and doesn't seem to actually care how any of you are treated. Her words and actions do not match up.

SHE IS NOT NICE. She is selfish, manipulative, and grabby.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/08/2018 13:10

Absolute ROFL at them making a decision on what you spend your money on!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/08/2018 13:10

Nice SIL is not nice, she’s just not overtly nasty like the other one.

Bibesia · 10/08/2018 13:19

I get a text from SIL saying she has spoken to nice SIL about the birthday money and they BOTH feel we should continue.

So what do they intend to do about all the missed birthday money for your youngest?

hannnnnnnxo · 10/08/2018 13:36

Why are you being generous with toys if they’re all in their late 20s lol

Sending money through the post is ridiculous. It’s not recommended for good reason. Just stop doing it.

SIL sounds like she keeps the money for herself, why would she notice/care otherwise. It’s like she relies on your money. What proof do you have that her adult children and receiving the money?

In all honesty, just buy them gift cards if you must but I wouldn’t bother with a gift or a card anymore. Birthday cards just end up as clutter really - I’m 21 and wouldn’t really care about receiving loads of birthday cards, just sentimental ones.

Labmum · 10/08/2018 14:22

Oh wow! Your SIL sounds like a right "treat"! I definitely agree that you should stop sending money to your adult nieces and nephews. Send a card though so that they know you're deliberately not sending money anymore and learn to not expect it. They are so ungrateful!

I can give a viewpoint from a recipient point of view (albeit a lot less entitled on than your niece it would seem!)

My sister and I are in our early 30s and every Christmas we saw my Mum get so stressed trying to buy gifts for all her nieces and nephews and then as our older cousins had children down another generation to her great-nieces and nephews. We begged her to stop for YEARS, we told her just to speak to my Aunties and agree that as all of us were now adults they wouldn't buy birthday and Christmas gifts for any of us anymore and just to buy for their own children and grandchildren. Speaking to my cousins at family occasions they were also trying to convince their parents to stop with all the gifts too! They finally stopped a couple of years ago....(well I say stopped, they still buy for the great-nieces and nephews but its at least a few less people to buy for). Every Christmas and Birthday my Dad would make us spend an hour ringing everyone to thank them for our gifts. Its really hard work for them, we were always grateful for our aunties generosity and would thank them but there came a point where it just seemed silly as we were all in professional jobs with our own homes and in no need of "birthday money".

I intend to speak with my sister and form a gift agreement well in advance of our children becoming adults. We already have agreed to not buy Christmas gifts for each other and only for our nephews. We still buy each other a birthday gift though, usually voucher for an activity that we can go and enjoy together.

As a back up for Christmas gifts if they all live together and you are going to have to see them just give them a box of chocs and a bottle of fizz for the household? Just so you're not turning up empty handed?!

Labmum · 10/08/2018 14:28

I'm also not convinced that "nice SIL" is as nice as she seems if she indulges her CF sister in this nonsense!

Original poster
deepsea · 10/08/2018 15:40

Not to drip feed, but I was actually in hospital at the time she was demanding more money by text (she knew this nice SIL had told her weeks before I was going in) I was in there for a week, having just spent the best part of the year unable to walk and had various surgeries to fix the problem. For nine months I have been struggling with two dc, my house and getting around

Do you know how many texts to ask how I am I received? None
How many offers help? Same again

They both knew very well what was happening.

My relationship with them is just one way and always has been. I was so cross with her (I am in a lot of pain which doesn't help)

You are right about nice SIL too, I am not sure she has ever had our best interests at heart as she has shown us zero support over the years (as in not even a phone call) I have decided to see neither for the foreseeable. No more money, no more of our time and no more visits.

It might seem that I am limp, but I am actually very strong inside, and I have no qualms about following up your advice trust me. It has taken me a long time to see the 'wood from the trees' so to speak. I am there now.

OP posts:
Original poster
deepsea · 10/08/2018 15:44

I am not going to send her the bill for all of the birthdays she has missed for my youngest child, she will hit the roof, but I will be using the money I would have spent on their children to buy something for dd at christmas. My dc have been raised not to expect presents, so fortunately and this has helped no end with this situation.

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 10/08/2018 15:46

Tell her you’re sponsoring a goat in Namibia instead.

HolyMountain · 10/08/2018 15:49

Good to hear you’ve seen the wood from the trees.

Both SIL’s clearly don’t give a fuck about your family , really awful how you were treated when you were poorly.