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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

441 replies

deepsea · 09/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

OP posts:
MrsAidanTurner · 09/08/2018 18:31

violets so gorgeous to read about your sisterly love 💕💕❤️. I pray I raise my dds to support each other like that.

I'm astounded by all the generous aunts out there who send money to nieces and nephews.

We have three aunts. Two are vv wealthy, over 40, no dc and one gives nothing the other puts no thought or effort into the only 2 kids in the families gifts except how to get it dirt cheap. She even waltzed in one Xmas with one gift for one and nothing for the other. She once handed over a photo album with half the cover ripped off. We're the reduced sticker has been.

I find it insulting. One dc has never even received a bday card off her.

I can't belive how many generous people are out there.

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2018 18:35

Book your Christmas away op. Take your poor little gobshites somewhere nice Grin

RomanyRoots · 09/08/2018 18:36

Sorry, but more fool you.
I'd reply saying the money was sent in good faith, but due to her insistence and list the times she has not sent a present for yours, you've decided to call it a day as her children probably have more money than you now, being as they are adults.

I'd have stopped after the first time she forgot tbh.

LumpSatAloneInABoggyMarsh · 09/08/2018 18:39

I would just leave it.

If they mention it again just say you have decided that from now on you will only be sending birthday cards to the nieces and that given they haven't even acknowledge your DD birthday for many years you're sure this will also suit them fine. Maybe do this in a joint message between all of them.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/08/2018 18:43

We cut them off at 18 in our family Grin

CoolCarrie · 09/08/2018 18:45

Good on you, book a lovely time away for Xmas, and tell them nothing.

RandomMess · 09/08/2018 18:49

Actually I would all your DN mobile numbers and get DH to text them
About how they are all adults now so believes it's time to end aunt and uncle gifts etc

He should text his DSiS and say how awful her nasty email to you was especially in light of the fact DD2 hasn't received a card or gift from them in X years and as a child she is very hurt that her aunt doesn't seem to care about her at all!

Maelstrop · 09/08/2018 18:58

She’s discussed it with the other one and they’ve decided you should carry on?! Are they insane?! Do they really think they can control you from afar? Are they on drugs? Absolutely fucking bonkers.

Please don’t let your DH cave on this one. It’s mad. Not bothering with your child for x amount of years and making out her grown up daughter is all upset! I bet grown up daughter couldn’t actually care less. Please, please respond to her saying that as she’s decided for however many years that your dd gets nothing, then you’re going to follow her lead.

Tinkobell · 09/08/2018 18:59

@deepsea ...your poor DH having such dominating and bossy sisters! Only repay the interest they show in your DCs, you have indeed been too kind for too long. Don't jump when the old shrews snap their fingers.

HolyMountain · 09/08/2018 19:00

I would give serious thought to going away at Christmas if you’re able to.

I’d be wary of ‘nice’ SiL too.

Honestly, break away from the pair of them.

DartmoorDoughnut · 09/08/2018 19:02

Def go away for Christmas

Cutietips · 09/08/2018 19:06

The more I read these threads and consider my own family, the more I realise how family members can fall into such entrenched roles that they don’t even question extremely weird patterns of behaviour. CFs defend the indefensible because they become so used to getting their own way. They become angry if they don’t get what they want because they become so entitled.

Meanwhile those who fall victim to them feel disempowered from challenging because they don’t want to deal with the CFs anger; because people around them don’t tend to support them (to save hassle themselves); because their judgement has been skewed by the years of the status quo.

OP read back your posts as if someone else had written them. Really both your SILs are completely out of order. They will not respect you more for allowing them to get away with it. It will just encourage them to organise things to suit themselves. Just keep clear about what is acceptable to you. You don’t have to give your reasons. And don’t let your SIL bully your daughter. That is completely unacceptable.

Cagliostro · 09/08/2018 19:07

Ugh Grabby gits

InfiniteVariety · 09/08/2018 19:16

My brother & I gave presents for birthdays & Christmas to each other's children until they reached the age of 18 when we stopped and now just send them cards. The last birthday present when they turned 18 was always a more substantial one (money).

ClearlyNotAFish · 09/08/2018 19:20

If you can, book something away for Christmas. If not, practice "sorry, we can't. We already have plans" for a quiet family C

Get in first, organize it on your terms.
To nice SIL "We've already made plans for Christmas, would you like to come over for a meal on x date?"
To other SIL "We've already got plans for Christmas, so why dont we meet at x place. Each pays their own and we don't do gifts this year."

BuntyII · 09/08/2018 19:30

Send a text to them all. 'Hi all, as DC are growing up we have decided to cut back on birthdays and Christmas. We will no longer be exchanging gifts outside the four (or whatever) of us and will be having a quiet Christmas at home this year. Perhaps we can all meet for a meal together in the New Year :) Love, OP x'

YouTheCat · 09/08/2018 19:37

My lovely brothers have no kids and still give mine nice gifts. I always put plenty of thought into their presents and , now that dd is working, I'm sure she'll do the same. If they'd decided to stop once the kids were adults that would have been fine too. It has never been expected but always appreciated.

OP, you aren't appreciated so just stop. Also, I don't see why you should go away at Christmas. Just don't see your sils and have a nice, stress-free time with your children.

lurkingattheback · 09/08/2018 19:37

Yep, as others have said

So sorry the card didn't arrive, I'll send another card soon. As you brought it up X cards/money haven't arrived for X years, she's too kind to think you forgot and I didn't want to make a fuss but could you transfer X for her. She'd be thrilled to know you didn't forget about her.

Going forward, let's just stick to cards to be on the safe side.

Xx

Ellie56 · 09/08/2018 19:46

Apologies in advance for talking about the c word in August, but that is likely to be the next drama on the horizon with nice SIL trying to shoehorn us into another horrible family get up.

I feel like booking a place for Christmas very far away Then do it OP. Then tell ghastly inlaws you have made alternative arrangements for Christmas this year.You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

And you can spend the money you are saving on not sending money to adults on your lovely Christmas break. Wink

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 09/08/2018 19:47

On my 13th birthday I got a card from my godmother with a note inside it addressed to my mum, which said something like ‘as Lisa is now a teenager we have decided that we will no longer be sending birthday presents and there is also no need for you to send them to our children any more’.

I was a bit miffed at the time but now I think she probably did us all a favour if it saved us from ridiculous situations like this!

I very much doubt that 23 year old Ella is so ‘disappointed’ by a missing £20 that she needs her mum to text her aunt to make it all better. If it’s that big a deal then Mum should just give her the £20 FFS.

Charolais · 09/08/2018 20:20

We hardly have any family left between us so it is them or nothing

You have your children and one day daughter/son in-laws and grandchildren. Don’t let your greedy SILs influence your family.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/08/2018 21:40

OP...I think I am missing something from your post..something I cannot quite get my head around its to do with your husband you stated earlier how lovely he was to you and your daughters yet how can he be?The reason I ask this is that for the sake of apperances or keeping the extended family together he is willing to allow the verbal abuse the dirty looks and the blatant ignoring of his children and wife to continue?It beggars belief he would not put the feelings of his own family at the fore front of anything,Why are you and his girls being subjected to this? I dont wish to upset you but as parents we have a duty to teach our children to be steong kind decent happy valued members of society,which I am sure you do,,,we do not or should not ever teach them that it is ok for people to disrespect them,.Your girls should so not be expected to put up with the blatant dirty looks and being ignored by other adults as an ok thing to do,,,It may not be apparent to your girls now but if your daughters are expected to grow up and engage with such vile people and accept there behaviour as normal neither you or your husband will be doing their development or mental health any favours,,,look how upset you are by this SIL and you are old enough to be rational about it but to subject your girls to it is awful,Cit the spiteful cow off now before she can make your girls feel like she has made you feel please,Let the SIL peddle her own kind of poison somewhere else as long as it is away from your family,,you own them nothing yet you and your husband owe your girls the protection from such disgusting entitled unhinged people...

DamsonGin · 09/08/2018 22:29

You should definitely book something for Christmas. It sounds like it would be no loss to have less of them in your lives.

Timeisslippingaway · 09/08/2018 22:32

You need to go nc with these people.

ClearlyNotAFish · 10/08/2018 06:09

Oh and the only way the SIL would know that her daughter will not get the card and money is if SIL has already opened it and taken the money. Anyone else would assume that you were a bit late to post it or that it had got delayed in the post and would turn up in a while.