Share passive aggressive comments you've received from your MIL

[oxymomon]

My MIL is a cow to me. But she is also cunning enough to be able to veil her comments so they go over the head of my husband and father in law. E.g. when I put on weight recently and she kept saying "you look healthy". I knew it was a dig but I couldn't say anything. I said it to my husband after and he thought she was just being nice.

I thought it would be helpful to hear what other passive aggressive comments others have received from your in-laws. But feel free to just share any out and out insults too. I'd also love to hear your responses, or do you all just grin and bear the comments?

I'll finish with one of her worst: when we first got engaged, she said "I was glad you didn't put it in the paper in case it doesn't work out"...

Mine is awful. A few classics...

Attacking my ‘Northern’ roots...
MIL: “Do you have a glass or a glarss Trains?” Me: “Not sure really, glass I suppose” MIL: “Well it would be good if you have a glarss here”.

Straight after claiming she’s never heard of the Midlands and telling me I am just Northern and that’s it, she was talking about someone else in front of me “oh he’s just Northern, they have no manners up there”.

At Christmas last year, DH was working, but it was our turn to spend it with his family.
MIL to DH: “I know the boys [my DC aged 4 and 2] will be spending Christmas with us, but wouldn’t Trains rather spend it with her family?” (We’ve been together 18 years, married for 10)

Me: “I told the boys Santa will be coming soon”
MIL: “Santa? Santa? OH!!! You mean Father Christmas!”

“Trains, you can’t be completely stupid because of what you do [dr] but you have no common sense”

Beyond that, I’ve been left out of family photos, not invited to immediate family hen dos, outright ignored, laughed at, belittled, etc etc... but I keep going back because despite it all, I want my DC to have a relationship with their family.

Too many to pick, but a recent favourite:

"Well, you were all nicey nicey when you were wanting to marry my son!"

Needless to say we haven't spoken since.

MIL to DH: “I know the boys [my DC aged 4 and 2] will be spending Christmas with us, but wouldn’t Trains rather spend it with her family?” (We’ve been together 18 years, married for 10)

I would have told her the boys would be spending Christmas with me, and if she didn't learn some manners that would not be anywhere near her!

How/why on earth do some of you remain polite in the face of this? What ructions could possibly be worse than being constantly belittled?

I was just pregnant with her first grandchild.......
"Come and sit down, you're important now".
Not sure if that's passive aggressive or just plain aggressive?

Not to me but my friends mother. Friend was in kitchen eating and her mother came in and said 'not doing Slimming World anymore dear?'

these are from my mother and mother in law - just for equal opportunity

"you'd look so much prettier if you made an effort - put on some make up - died your hair"

"your milk is making him sick - you should give him formula from a bottle"

"oh don't worry about not being a good mother [I wasnt worried - this was a random comment after helping my son with homework] - some women aren't cut out to be mothers"

"well you're a career woman - you can't expect to be a good mother like [insert other daughters name who is stay at home mother supported in full by parents]"

"do you have any traditions where you are from?" [insert me listing some of our family traditions that were meaningful to me] "no dear, I mean nice traditions that you can be proud of"

enough to make you feel better?

Autumnchill misread that as “friend was in kitchen eating her mother.”

Ooooo I could be here a while

While expecting twins and on bed rest at 6 months MIL told me I looked fat and would never shift it. This while she sat at a healthy 18 plus stone.....

First visit after birth of dd now 2. We don't want photos of a tired Mummy spoiling pretty pictures of our baby.

I could go on and on. Mostly she opens her mouth and inhales both feet without thinking, however my FIL has a vicious tongue and behaves like a toddler when he gets called on it. His favourite is sharing tripe on the dreaded facebook the claiming it was a virus or accidental

"You have to be careful with dresses with belts that go round the middle because they'll make you look fat" (i'm a size 8)

"I have to accept you now that he (my husband) has chosen you"

"is he happy with all of your decisions"

She was horrible to me at the lead up to our wedding. She didn't like anything i did. she didn't want me to get my hair done my make up done, flowers at the venue, she didn't want me to get a wedding ring with diamonds, she told me i was going to upset my husbands niece because she wasnt a flower girl and break her heart

sighs i have so many examples i could write a book

Not my MIL but my DM....I don't think you should have children, you're not really the type are you?

The MIL bashing on this forum disgusts me by its stupidity as much as by its nastiness.

Too many.

'You're very lucky, you know' (being married to DH). HELLO THE 1950s CALLED etc.

'I agree with TWO parenting decisions you've made. One: not to give a dummy. Two: not to put them in jeans as a toddler'.

We don't really see PILs, needless to say...

Again I could write a novels and don't want to be outed but. 'what degree did you do?,

Oh dear one of the useless ones then.

And my poor son, he has to help out with everything at home doesn't he, not only the cooking but looking after the children (his children) cleaning the house (his house), even having to help in the garden (his garden)...

She's made comments, disparaging comments about the size of his man hood 🤔🤔👿👿 in front of him.

Lost my df, a few weeks later it was my bday but I had to go ad sort his house out. I wasn't sure whether to take the dc with me or leave them with pils again (which they hate they always cry after and beg us not to leave them so we only do it when desperate really like when df died). I decided I would like them with me on my bday and we re gigged our schedule to make sure we did fun things with them. Fil said.. 'oh great poor kids, what are they going to do sing happy birthday to mum on the m 40 when they could be with us having fun'. Df was last close family member to go.

Mil didn't say a word about df passing, not a sorry... A card, flowers.. A kind word... Nothing. She came over scowled at me.. Then said a few hours later 'so have you sorted his stuff yet'.

14 years and she has never asked me about my dm, nothing and if my dc mention her (she passed away before they weren't born) Mil scowls and cuts across them. She then saw a picture on the wall and said.. 'Mrs auden is that your dm?,

I said yes and she said a very half surprised half haughty... Oh.

That was the only reference or vocal sound she has ever made about my poor dm.

And yet I have always tried to encourage dh to see them, the dc... To pop in. I have made huge efforts with her dm, dh granny.... And now... Having watched df die.. I just think life is too short to put up with it.

ethyred do you mean your disgusted by the sheer nastiness many of us have to put up with, by sheer fault of falling in love? Or you don't like us re counting stories about it.

Because mn and sharing the sheer pain has been a life line for me.

Every 6 months as regular as clockworkl I am told how obese and fat and disgusting I am and how U should do something about it...this is because every 6 months she embarks on a new fad diet for 3 days this is after her being continually dieting successfully for the past 40 years to my knowledge and still being a size 24 never having the will power or inclination to loose anymore than 2lbs before it being declared an equivical success! I shake my head and ignore...the rest of the time she seems to stay quite peacefully in her box but when she is dieting which is due again soon I seem to cop it too!!!

Some of these a shocking.

I'd just like to say that, whilst my MIL has had her moments (as has my own mother) she has been wonderfully supportive. We don't always agree on things but she has never criticised me. She has the empathy and understanding that she is a GP and we're in charge as we're the parents.

The only really awkward bit has been them insisting they are Mum and Dad which I'm not comfortable with. This has been resolved as they are now Nan & Grandad!

Having read this thread, I am thanking my lucky stars.

@ZaphodBeeblerox

"“Oh some women just refuse c sections for no good reason” - to me about 30 mins after I had a stillbirth"

That is appalling, one of the cruelest things I've read in awhile. I don't think I'd ever want to speak to someone that heartless again.

@Pigeonpresent

"And my personal favourite though not PA; with hand on DH’s thigh, looking into his eyes “ooh, if you weren’t my son”"

OMFG, seriously? Creepy AF.

Probably most memorable was when I asked MIL if she and FIL would like to join us for Christmas Dinner ( they only live 5 mins away), with very little thought she replied that she’d get back to me in case she had a better offer. Guess what I have never offered again.
DS frequently ( and I think he is aware of what he’s saying) throws it right back at her. We suggested going to a particular restaurant for her birthday she said she’d rather not go there, as she didn’t like the odd way they served the food (deconstructed) to which my DS replied “ I don’t like fancy restaurants either Grandma” I could have hugged him.
She is a real life “Hyacinth Bucket” and rather than being offended I now look forward to the entertainment value of her company.
She has a favourite grandchild (knicknamed “Sheridan” by DH) and I take great delight when my DS who is the same age quietly outperforms him in all areas.

“She likes her food” when i go for a second helping of pudding. And other comments about my appetite ( I am a size 10 when not pregnant/just had a baby).

“Oh feeding time at the zoo” “oh he’s going again” when I on demand breastfeed our new baby.

Oh gosh a few aggressive comments on the happiest days of DH and mines lives:
Wedding day - let me give you my make up as yours is horrible. Have you actually got any on? Everyone knows you’re not important on your wedding day and everyone will be looking at mil

When DS1 was born she asked us to change his name. DH said no. Then she asked us to change the spelling

DS2 - she refuses to pronounce his name correctly but in the ‘Indian way’ - despite the fact she’s British and we chose an English name!

Told me I don’t need to go and visit my dad any more as her and FIL are now my parents, and to call her mum. Walked out their house - my mum died when I was younger.

I love those mumsnetters who moan about mil bashing threads but really when you have one like mine and some of the others on here you can totally see why they resonate with so many.

"She's all fur coat and no knickers"
My crime? Taking my shoes off after I came in, as I'd been taught to do when entering someone's house. First impressions are fun

I think the people who whinge about these threads either have easy MIL's or are the very type of MIL being complained about.

My mil is just the type that thinks being a mother to my husband means she can treat him however she likes and still be entitled to respect. She expects him to do all the running/ phone calls etc, will ignore him for months if he does something she perceives as a slight against her and tries to pull on his heartstrings to get her own way by crying or developing some kind of medical issue that she will only tell him a few snippets about to try and hook him in! She's a nightmare and played a lot of power games when dh and i got together to test the boundaries and see who was more important to him...me or her. It was foolish as i couldn't care less how much time he spends with her and have always encouraged him to make more time for his family...it wasnt my fault that he prioritised time with me over calling her every day...twice! In the end her behaviour drove a wedge between him and her and ruined their relationship. Its a shame because he has shut her our emotionally now. He still sees her but it's not the same. I could never shut someone i care about out like that but he's learned that behaviour from her. I remind him a lot to make sure he never does that to me or the kids but i do worry that he can be like her sometimes. The sad part is that his mum is a nice person she's just got a very controlling side to her that gets in the way of things and seems to have ruined her relationship with most of her children and other relatives.

I am one of the lucky ones, in that my MIL is wonderful, but I can fully understand the need that PP have for sharing their not-so-wonderful experiences of their MILs (and other family members). for you all. Are you a MIL, Ethylred? I can't understand why your own post is so aggressive in its tone.

When we told my MIL that I was pregnant after being married for almost 8 years her comment was How will you manage about his meals when you're in hospital? We lived abroad and no-one was coming out to 'help'.
When we told her that we were having another baby, No 1 was about 14 months old she was appalled, You're worse than rabbits.

Years later I got a big promotion at work and when we told her her comment was Were there no men wanting the job? A married man with a family should always be given a job before a woman!

My MIL is lovely. She is relentlessly positive and supportive even though we have nothing in common and she probably doesn’t understand me at all!