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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick my Daughter up early and be really angry with her?

229 replies

Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 14:23

My DD is 13 and has started going out and about in our local market town to meet a group of friends. I am ok with this generally as long as I know roughly where she is and can contact her if needed. However today I texted her at 1pm to ask her something and got no reply. Another txt 10 mins later - no reply. I then tried to phone her and she didn’t pick up - tried for about half an hour to make contact, all the time getting more and more worried. In the end I drove to where I thought she’d be and found her with her friends. I made her come home with me (half an hour earlier than we’d agreed) and I have had a real go at her about worrying me unnecessarily and keeping in touch etc.

The thing is she is normally glued to her bloody phone and uses it to tell me what time she needs picking up, asks for extra time etc etc but when I need to get hold of her she doesn’t pick up Angry. She said she’d put her phone in her friend’s bag and didn’t hear it ringing. She’s now sulking in her room. Did I over-react?

OP posts:
BlueberryPud · 08/08/2018 21:34

I'd have felt the same as you op. It can escalate from mild concern to borderline panic quickly

Agreed. But you have to rein it in when it's the middle of the day, in a town centre, when your kid is with her mates. She's not looking at her phone because all her mates are right there with her.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2018 21:53

"I'd have felt the same as you op. It can escalate from mild concern to borderline panic quickly."

Yes of course it can. But that is your problem, not your dd's.

IfNotNowThenWhen1 · 08/08/2018 22:09

You did overreact, but I would expect an answer too IF I called. That's not the same as wanting constant contact.
And I was out God knows where with God knows who at 13. So what? That's not the point. We didn't have phones now we do.
In fact it's my own experiences that make me more careful with dc. We didn't all grow up in an idyllic suburb or whatever.
OP next time just rationalise, breathe and try to stay calm until she's actually late.

PinkAvocado · 08/08/2018 22:15

If you did over-react, which I’m not sure I think you did, it’s not as much as some of the posters on here have who seem utterly determined not to RTFT and intent on making masssively projected assumptions.

MCC85 · 08/08/2018 22:18

Tbf I think your dd was very sensible in not being glued to her phone whilst out.
Theft of such devices directly from people are on the up and kids are sadly easy targets.
Maybe suggest to that she does check her phone regularly to make sure she doesn't miss you/dad/gran etc, but also make her aware that it is right not to be glued to it and to be aware of her surroundings when she does check.
Parenting eh.....it's a constant learning curve!

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 08/08/2018 22:38

Update and thanks to most of you. Spoke to DD when she got back from the fair earlier. I apologised for having a go at her but explained that it was v unusual and out of character for her not to look at her phone and respond for that amount of time and that’s why I got worried. She got that and she said sorry too. For the record, she wasn’t in a busy town centre but on the outskirts of town by a river/foresty area.

I asked if her friends had said anything about her getting picked up earlier and she said they had’t noticed as they knew she was off to the fair with her other friend so they were none the wiser. We have talked about how best to communicate when she’s out in future and I have taken onboard the overreacting comments on here so we’ll see ...

OP posts:
PaulRuddislush · 09/08/2018 08:08

Sounds pretty fair. Good luck to you both op, take care.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 09/08/2018 08:29

There's no way on earth that she put her phone in her friend's bag and didn't hear it!

So there's no way on earth that I have my phone in my pocket and don't hear it when out? I live on a main road, and my phone doesn't have a very loud ring. And because it's musical, if I do hear it, I don't always cotton on that it's my phone.

SluttyButty · 09/08/2018 09:18

In that case Op, you've demonstrated good parenting as far as I'm concerned. You've apologised, explained your over reaction and discussed it as mum and young adult. Can't fault that sometimes I find apologising hard

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 09/08/2018 09:36

Thanks Paul and Slutty

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 09/08/2018 09:42

My parents wouldn't have had a clue where i was all day long when i was 13. But that was in the good old days before everyone was glued to mobile phones 24/7

Nousernameforme · 09/08/2018 09:50

FWIW I think YANBU I have this put in place with my older ones (15 and 16 shock horror)

They can go where they like as long as i know where and i can contact them if i need to. Usually its a text with an all good? dinners at such and such if you fancy it. If they do not reply within 20 mins or so I will phone after a couple of tries I will go and find them.

Phones must be charged and on volume when they go out. They are aware of my rules and after a couple times of them testing when they were younger they now always text back

Lethaldrizzle · 09/08/2018 10:02

My kids don't have mobile phones yet but I'm hoping to delay it for as long as possible. Do we really need to know where they are all the time?

Gottokondo · 09/08/2018 10:09

Your job as a parent is to hopefully turn your daughter into an independent person who will hopefully become a positive member of society. At 13 I feel that you should try to check on her less so she can learn to be more independent from you. Kids don't suddenly learn this stuff at 18, it needs to be a gradual process.

Original poster
Canshopwillshop · 09/08/2018 10:17

@gottokondo - if you read the thread you will see that I don’t regularly check up on her! I’ve said this many times. She has regularly been out for several hours with no contact.
I’m going now as its all dealt with and I really don’t want to resurrect it all today.

OP posts:
llangennith · 09/08/2018 10:28

YANBU. You didn't embarrass your DD but she's learnt that she needs to let you know where she is at any given time and to keep her phone on her.
Can you agree with her that if you text or ring her and she doesn't respond within, say, 30 mins or an hour, there will be consequences?!
Children don't understand that parents really do worry about them. They finally get this when they have children of their own.

Debfronut · 09/08/2018 10:29

Well done for handling it so well and apologising. Parenting is hard and we learn on the job. I have been a parent for 26 years and still mess up at times. She will appreciate you discussing it with her. Have a great day

My38274thNameChange · 09/08/2018 11:07

Sounds fair. Your natural parental instinct is to panic but at least you explained it to her and she understands!

My DD13 goes AWOL for hours at a time but I have a tracker on her phone so I know where she is. It drove me mad the first few times she did it though. And when we were that age, phones didn’t exist!

Yokatsu · 09/08/2018 11:27

All you parents you expect your child to pick up no questions asked are really unrealistic about the limitations of mobile phones.

DS has medical needs which mean for swathes of time i NEED to be instantly contactable.

Even then with serious motivation to be contactable, there were times the technology let me down. Some app had drained my battery, i hadnt put the phone on charge properly overnight, I missed the call cos i just didnt hear it, the cell signal failed for no good reason.

To be instantly contactable i carried a spare battery pack, i changed my phone so it was picked for optimal cell coverage and battery life and then i carried it all the time in my hand. Ultimately i went out not a lot because the only way i could guarantee being contactable was by staying at home (near a land line).

Thats not much of a life for a teen.

Text messages can be delayed. Make plans that arent reliant on mobile phones.

Nousernamefound · 09/08/2018 17:42

As annoying as this is, it’s standard form for a teenager it seems. Hopefully she will reply in future, but in my experience it won’t change anything. My daughter is exactly the same. I’ve just learnt to relax about it. Try and remember we survived without phones and our parents couldn’t contact us at that age. Good luck.

colditz · 09/08/2018 17:45

I have a twelve year old and a fifteen year old and when I over react I find they are very accepting of "I'm really sorry, I panicked and over reacted. When I can't get hold of you my brain freaks out and it comes out angry but I'm really just frightened."

Flowerylampshade · 09/08/2018 17:49

I'd be glad she wa soit with pals and not constantly on the phone. I hate it when they meet up and spend the whole time online instead of interacting. Just eto her why and have a hug. Easy to panic though.

Frogletmamma · 09/08/2018 17:54

Sorry yabu a bit

momtoboys · 09/08/2018 17:55

It was a bit of an overreaction. I probably would have done the same thing, though.Grin

Yb23487643 · 09/08/2018 17:56

Def overreaction, can see needing to check she was ok, but not fair to take the stress out on her in fri t of her friends when it’s an honest mistake. I’d say sorry for embarrassing her & explain it’s cos u went a bit crazy with worry that she was hurt or kidnapped etc & weren’t thinking straight. Maybe ask if she’d check her phone every 1/2 hour or so when out with friends?